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American in LD relationship with Brit w Aspergers.


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We have a beautiful time while together but then a few.weeks.after I'm back in the states he stops talking to me all together. He's said it's his.depression and that he's no good and i.should walk.away. It doesn't make any sense because he acts perfectly fine while we're together, and the love and closeness grows each time we're together

I also suspect him of having other online relationships with other women not necessarily physical ones but definitely online relationships I don't know if he's doing it because that's what he's always done or because he's trying to forget about me because we are so far apart but he had a lot of female Facebook friends when I met him so I kind of suspected that he was a little bit of a womanizer so I don't know if he's using his Asperger's and depression as an excuse . I am torn between the fact that he really loves me and that maybe he's just like I like you when you're here but you're of no use to me when you're not here.

Anyone else deal with someone with Asperger'? If so do they generally have an avoidance of commitment or they promiscuous do they play mine game what is it?

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Hmm. I have "Asperger's" or High Functioning Autism. Consequently, I've known a few people with the disorder/made friends who have it. But most of what I say can only really come from my own personal experience and my understanding of ASD based on the many years I've spent researching it in detail - it is a highly heterogeneous disorder that affects people in unique ways.

 

People with ASD or depression do not normally use these as an excuse... However, both myself and people I've known with the disorder can occasionally have some of our behaviour mistaken as narcissism and antisocial conduct because we don't always have the natural ability for mentalising (that is, considering the mental states of other people, and thus how our actions are perceived by them or might make them feel). We can be very blind to the effect that we are having on other people, as well as naive about interpreting other people's signals (he may not know that you are upset unless you tell him specifically). People with ASD can most certainly learn from experience, many are even able to identify subtle cues but lack the complete understanding of cause and effect. These challenges make clear and direct communication vitally important in interpersonal relationships with someone like this.

 

Another thing I've heard anecdotally, and would agree with myself, is that people with ASD have somewhat different views on the world than 'neurotypical' people. We tend to bring a lot less emotion into decisions, and view things more in terms of practicality/logic rather than social construct/social etiquette. So yeah, it is possible that he has other online relationships in which he gets his emotional/social needs met. I don't think you should assume that he does this because he's a "womaniser" - he may not be romantically or sexually interested in these people in any way, but entertains the friendships because they offer him something intellectually that he struggles to find in his everyday life. I've heard it's not uncommon for people with ASD to entertain inappropriate relationships (e.g. become a teacher's pet in school) because they have trouble finding people they relate to, and thus when they do they invest quite heavily.

 

To answer your question ultimately, no I don't think he's playing mind games because manipulation is something that most people with ASD are practically incapable of. Most often will lean more towards too much honesty, sometimes bluntness or inappropriate oversharing.

 

You should work on your communication with him - just because he has ASD doesn't mean that you are any better of a communicator than he is. People with ASD and people without it can often be speaking 'two different languages'. You have to be clear with him about what you want and need, and expect from him (including that you expect exclusivity and a greater degree of commitment).

 

But at the same time, you might also have to trust that he knows himself and may in fact be right when he says you should walk away. He may not have the ability to be what you need him to be, and the fact that he's honest about this is not playing mind games. It's giving you a choice.

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We have a beautiful time while together but then a few.weeks.after I'm back in the states he stops talking to me all together. He's said it's his.depression and that he's no good and i.should walk.away. It doesn't make any sense because he acts perfectly fine while we're together, and the love and closeness grows each time we're together

I also suspect him of having other online relationships with other women not necessarily physical ones but definitely online relationships I don't know if he's doing it because that's what he's always done or because he's trying to forget about me because we are so far apart but he had a lot of female Facebook friends when I met him so I kind of suspected that he was a little bit of a womanizer so I don't know if he's using his Asperger's and depression as an excuse . I am torn between the fact that he really loves me and that maybe he's just like I like you when you're here but you're of no use to me when you're not here.

Anyone else deal with someone with Asperger'? If so do they generally have an avoidance of commitment or they promiscuous do they play mine game what is it?

 

Everyone is an individual. But ask yourself - is there any potential here? Did he have plans before he met you to eventually live in the states? Do you plan to move there? If not, this push/pull just isn't worth it. I think i would date men locally, particularly because you have nice dates in person but he doesn't really seem interested in maintaining a relationship between visits. Most people do want "in person" relationships. If they were in person and then someone had to move - they are more likely to continue but to me it just seems like its not really what you are looking for.

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