Toddler destroyed intimacy of all kinds

We have a problem. Our two year old has destroyed pretty much all intimacy in our marriage. My wife recognizes this but doesn't go along with ideas I have to correct the issues and so I told her that I am sexually frustrated. That was about two months ago.

The main issue here is the bedsharing. We have coslept with LO since day one. We have set time frames to get LO into her own bed but it never happens. As a result, intimacy between my wife and I has all but vanished. We have sex, on average, 2-3 times a month and I told my wife that I'm not happy about it. She says she's not happy with that either, and yet never helps me fallow through on ways to change it.

I told her that I feel as though our LO has replaced me. Like, before she was born, it was my wife and I in the front seats, then our LO was born and I'm finding myself all the way in the back. I've shared this with my wife. She feels real bad but then says things like "this is what happens when you have a baby" or "we can work these issues out" and yet nothing changes. So, three weeks ago we nearly split. We managed to talk things over and I told her I needed something more. I needed to be in her life more. The intimacy NEEDS to come back. But as of this day, nothing has changed. I don't know what to do.

What have you tried to do about fixing it besides complaining? Your post makes it sound like it's all on her to change.

I told her that I feel as though our LO has replaced me.

I'm all for communicating, but you need to take some time and effort to rationalize your feelings so that they can be discussed constructively.

What have you tried to do about fixing it besides complaining? Your post makes it sound like it's all on her to change.

I've made suggestions to move our LO to her own bed but my wife really wants her in our bed because it's easier. I've initiated intimacy on every occasion. All I can do is offer solutions but it's really up to her to fallow through on these solutions. It's a team effort not a one man job. If I tell her we need to move LO to her own bed, then I expect my wife to back my decision.

Well if that didn't get your wife's panties wet, I don't know what will.

 

I'm all for communicating, but you need to take some time and effort to rationalize your feelings so that they can be discussed constructively.

Yea, we've been around and around on that issue to no end. We communicate often and we say the same things. I only said I felt like I was being replaced only after we have been communicating about our issues.

She just doesn't sound interested in you.

Looking through your other posts, she likes to hit on other guys and get touchy with them when she drinks, ignores you the whole time, and then if you try to block her from going to these other guys to dance with them and flirt, she calls you controlling and wants to pack up her bags.... funny how when she drinks she gets more sexual, yet it's not ever directed towards you, only other men.

Try not initiating any sex with her, I'll bet several months will go by before she even brings anything up. She isn't attracted to you or else she'd have the kid sleeping in another bedroom and having sex with you way more often. The kid is 2 years old already, there is zero reason for a child that old to be sleeping with you guys, zero.

You are not the right match for each other.

Have another one and then 2-3 times a month will be the glory days

You expect her to follow through with your suggestions? No. Relationships don't work that way.

Here's another idea:

Pony up some money. Hire an overnight babysitter. Get a hotel room. Do fancy dinner. Treat her well and make her feel sexy.

I have never had a kid but I imagine she feels like a gross unsexy messy slob now.

Help her re discover how great sex is. And do it unselfishly. IMO, you come off as very demanding and selfish.

You expect her to follow through with your suggestions? No. Relationships don't work that way.

 

Here's another idea:

 

Pony up some money. Hire an overnight babysitter. Get a hotel room. Do fancy dinner. Treat her well and make her feel sexy.

 

I have never had a kid but I imagine she feels like a gross unsexy messy slob now.

 

Help her re discover how great sex is. And do it unselfishly. IMO, you come off as very demanding and selfish.

I've tried all of that. But it gets pretty expensive doing the whole hotel and babysitter thing all the time. That's not feasible advice. I've done things to make her feel sexy. I send her roses often, I suggest wearing sexy clothing, I tell her she looks sexy and that she's beautiful all the time.

Also, if you have no kids, you really don't know what it's like. If you think I come off selfish, that's on you. Kids drain all the energy from you. After 2 years of being brushed off by the one person you can turn to, your wife/husband, you'll start to feel jaded too.

She just doesn't sound interested in you.

 

Looking through your other posts, she likes to hit on other guys and get touchy with them when she drinks, ignores you the whole time, and then if you try to block her from going to these other guys to dance with them and flirt, she calls you controlling and wants to pack up her bags.... funny how when she drinks she gets more sexual, yet it's not ever directed towards you, only other men.

 

Try not initiating any sex with her, I'll bet several months will go by before she even brings anything up. She isn't attracted to you or else she'd have the kid sleeping in another bedroom and having sex with you way more often. The kid is 2 years old already, there is zero reason for a child that old to be sleeping with you guys, zero.

 

You are not the right match for each other.

I felt we are not a good match either. We really don't have anything in common. But, I love her, so I need to keep trying.

I've tried all of that. But it gets pretty expensive doing the whole hotel and babysitter thing all the time. That's not feasible advice. I've done things to make her feel sexy. I send her roses often, I suggest wearing sexy clothing, I tell her she looks sexy and that she's beautiful all the time.

 

Also, if you have no kids, you really don't know what it's like. If you think I come off selfish, that's on you. Kids drain all the energy from you. After 2 years of being brushed off by the one person you can turn to, your wife/husband, you'll start to feel jaded too.

Hey man. I asked what you did and you said none of the above. None of it. So don't get snippy. I only know what you write.

Hey man. I asked what you did and you said none of the above. None of it. So don't get snippy. I only know what you write.

Maybe you should reread what I wrote. I said we have tried the whole babysitter, hotel thing. It's a very temporary fix.

you take the kid to her cot. and you get up when she needs her diaper changed.

you're a parent too. you get to actually parent the kid. includes getting her used to her own bed.

having a child in the bed for two years because it's more convenient than getting up sounds like it'll be a problem in the long run, for the baby too.

so you get up and do it.

as for the intimacy, for many ppl it takes a while to recover after the baby arrives. tough it out dude. ETA sorry, if this has been going on for two friggin years it's not to do with the child. it's to do with the two of you.

just a passing thought, and might be completely off mark, but it may be possible your wife is intentionally putting the baby between you and her as a barrier for intimacy. and if she's turned off by your insistence there needs to be sex, then i wouldn't be surprised she's coming up with excuses about it being for the baby's sake.

Maybe you should reread what I wrote. I said we have tried the whole babysitter, hotel thing. It's a very temporary fix.

Not in your original post or your response to my question.

Well if none of our advice is good, I guess you're out of options.

I've tried all of that. But it gets pretty expensive doing the whole hotel and babysitter thing all the time. That's not feasible advice. I've done things to make her feel sexy. I send her roses often, I suggest wearing sexy clothing, I tell her she looks sexy and that she's beautiful all the time.

 

Also, if you have no kids, you really don't know what it's like. If you think I come off selfish, that's on you. Kids drain all the energy from you. After 2 years of being brushed off by the one person you can turn to, your wife/husband, you'll start to feel jaded too.

If you are the only one trying in the relationship, then that's not really a relationship. I know you don't want to let her go because you said you do love her, but, she doesn't reciprocate, hence her lack of sexual interest in you, her sexual interest in other men that she acts out on when she's drunk, her insistence that a 2 year old kid should still be sleeping with the both of you, she does it on purpose so that you won't bother her for sex. The writing is on the wall here, move on to someone else.

My first thought is she isnt all that attracted to you anymore and having the kid in the bed is her way of eliminating or lessening the frequency of sex. Could that be it?

The kid really needs to be in her own bed, and I do have kids, so I understand the need for kids to have their own bed in their own room. I think your wife has an avoidance thing going on.

Once we arrived at the club, my wife had a few more drinks and started to dance with a couple random guys. I wasn't worried as I was only a few feet away at our table. I wanted her to have fun, she earned it. Things started to get weird and uncomfortable when she started spending more and more time with one of the guys she was dancing with. She would come back to the table and tell me how he is there trying to pick up women. I finally had enough and got her back to our table. Unfortunately, she was only focused on him. Saying things like his friend is ruining his chances of hooking up with a girl he was talking to so she felt the need to "play Cupid " and intervene. I told her it's none of our business and to let them be. She wouldn't stop focusing on him and tried a couple of times to go to their table but I stopped her each time. Finally she was insistent on going and so off she went. I sat watching as she grabbed his arm and started talking. Finally I had enough and separated them and we then left the club.

 

When we arrived at home she disappeared into the bedroom, and texted me that she wants to pack her stuff and leave the next morning. She felt I was controlling her and not letting her do what she wanted. I think she was upset at the fact that I was able to join her and her friends that night. Originally I had to stay home because we couldn't find a babysitter. I was able to at the last minute however. I can't help but think what would have happened between him and her had I stayed home. I'm pissed at the lack of restraint and feel as though she completely disrespected our relationship.

 

Was I in the wrong in this? I probably should have stopped her from dancing to begin with. I now feel a complete lack of trust from her. I don't think I will ever be ok with her going out to a club or bar without me in the future.

That's what you wrote on your last post.

Listen, the problem here is NOT the kid, the kid is innocent and doesn't know any better and they get use to what they are being introduced to. She purposely chooses to place the kid between you guys in bed so that you don't pester her for sex. A kid that age has no business still sleeping with you guys, and I'll bet if you put your foot down and you take the child to sleep in their room, that she will have a fit about it.

All these people here suggesting you need to jump through hoops to get her to feel sexy and wanted..... what for ? Does she show you any attention and affection ? NO

In fact, had you not been out with her that night at the bar, she would have probably gone as far as kissing or sex with that guy she was fancying in particular. Sleazy of her to be attached at the hip to him, hit on him, dance with him, keep bringing him up while you were there in front of her watching everything, you telling her you didn't think it was a good idea she go over to him, she deciding she could care less what you thought and going to over to hit on him some more and then later when you drive her home she tells you she wants to leave you because you were controlling !

Ha ! Where does this hoe get off calling you controlling when you stayed sober all night watching her be sleazy with other men at the club and paying you no attention ? She all but threw herself at the guy that night.

Then with you, she can't be bothered for sex, to show you affection, she can't be bothered for anything.

It's time for you to MOVE ON, this is someone who doesn't value you, respect you, or feels any kind of love or lust for you whatsoever. She's with you because she got pregnant and stuck, not because she thinks you are the love of her life.

I'm sorry, but she isn't into you.

Two to three times a month? Welcome to life with little kids. That's pretty good if you ask any other parents in the world with small children.

You need to create a bedtime routine for the kid, and take the kid to bed yourself. This helps to train the kid it's time for bed. Here are some methods for you to review and research: /

Have you sought marriage counseling with a family therapist? A baby in the marital bed isn't healthy for anyone involved, as lots of babies get suffocated that way.

Given what other people have mentioned that you said about her (her drinking and hitting on other guys), I think you two really need to seek some marriage counseling. This goes beyond just having a little kid and having it hamper your sex life. Sounds like there are other issues going on and if you two have a chance of making things worse, you really need to see a professional to address this and the things she has done.

She just doesn't sound interested in you.

 

Looking through your other posts, she likes to hit on other guys and get touchy with them when she drinks, ignores you the whole time, and then if you try to block her from going to these other guys to dance with them and flirt, she calls you controlling and wants to pack up her bags.... funny how when she drinks she gets more sexual, yet it's not ever directed towards you, only other men.

 

Try not initiating any sex with her, I'll bet several months will go by before she even brings anything up. She isn't attracted to you or else she'd have the kid sleeping in another bedroom and having sex with you way more often. The kid is 2 years old already, there is zero reason for a child that old to be sleeping with you guys, zero.

 

You are not the right match for each other.

I completely agree with you. She's using the child as an excuse.

She is using the kid as an excuse. She can't honestly be breastfeeding a 2 year old and if she is, even long term nursing moms who nurse toddlers usually say its only once or twice a day at that age or only comfort nursing. Its not like baby just came home and its easier to roll over on her side and nurse every 2-3 hours. A 2 year old also can sleep through the night without needing a diaper change and are starting to get curious about using the toilet. The kid should be in their own room. Being in their bed to read a story to them is fine, but there is no need for the child to be in the marital bed at this point.

I think your beef is valid. Marital counseling is in order.

She is using the kid as an excuse. She can't honestly be breastfeeding a 2 year old and if she is, even long term nursing moms who nurse toddlers usually say its only once or twice a day at that age or only comfort nursing. Its not like baby just came home and its easier to roll over on her side and nurse every 2-3 hours. A 2 year old also can sleep through the night without needing a diaper change and are starting to get curious about using the toilet. The kid should be in their own room. Being in their bed to read a story to them is fine, but there is no need for the child to be in the marital bed at this point.

 

I think your beef is valid. Marital counseling is in order.

I was reading the other post about his wife flirting with another man in the club. That's totally inexcusable behavior. That's why I'm leaning more toward her wanting to be with other men. If I was him I would sit her down and just tell her to shoot me straight. Do you want other men or me?? Cause something I'd deff wrong here.

well at this point marital counseling is urgent, unless either of you fancies divorce attorneys and custody battles more.

Sorry OP, it sounds like your wife is checking out of the marriage. You should not have to beg for sex and sleep with a kid in the marital bed. I feel for you.