Confession: Ending an affair

Hi everyone.

I recently ended a long distance affair....I am disclosing this now because it's pretty imperative to my healing.

My ex Mam is quite a bit older than me, affluent, somewhat wealthy and very MARRIED.

He's been married 32 years. One grown daughter.

The decision to end this is mine. I love him and I know he loves me...but like ALL affairs, I know he is never going to end his marriage for me...and rightfully so. I even said many times that if I were evil enough I would just share him with her...but I know it's wrong and I've wrestled with this for more than a year.

I have never had an affair before and it's one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever been through. I will never do it again .

I already made a thread about our breakup....but I never disclosed that he is married. I thought the feedback would be more honest if I did.

I know I was wrong...which is why I broke it off....but it still hurts. It hurts because I lost so much of me, but I have felt love for someone on levels I may never feel again, and I will always treasure that. I have also felt tremendously lonely and yes..many times tremendously devalued. Mostly by myself. I started to feel bitter and resentment because I wanted it all....then I realized I was just like all those "other women' out there. I wasn't really all that special. If I were....why was I settling for crumbs. I took it for a year....then I realized all those holidays alone. All those times he had to call me from his car.

I don't blame my MM at all. He was always honest with me about everything. Sometimes too honest. I have no doubt that he loved me. Some might disagree...but I know he did. I went into this with my eyes wide open..now I need to do what's right for everyone. It hurts like hell. It's still fresh....

Not looking for any advice . I know I won't get much empathy....trust me I understand. No one is harder on me than I am to myself. I guess I just wanted to be honest.. Because living this lie has truly been hard.

Im just human.

My heart is broken.

That was a lovely written post, and very articulate and in touch with how you feel.

Sometimes you can't tell your heart who to fall in love with. It just does.

It just makes it harder down the road to end it.

You did the right thing. You're gonna feel the same as most people will when going through any breakup.

You recognized this for what it was. You being another woman, and you will never get more than that. As lovely as these men might be (on the surface), you can't get what you want or need.

And it could have gone even worse, with the wife and you both being hurt in the long term. But I'm sure you're aware of that.

Just think of it as an experience, one that inevitably had to end. You're left with good and bad memories, like with any relationship. You'll soon get over the initial pain and heartache, and eventually you'll meet someone who is available.

It's easy to condemn you. However, if it was as easy as 'He's married. Not interested' then there would be no such thing as other women at all. Emotions make it complicated.

I wish you all the best.

Limiya

You know what I always think about when I read posts like this? How the wife is sat there thinking her marriage is okay and might not be perfect but her husband is her husband.

She has no idea that another woman has snuck up to her husband and has decided to become a home wrecker and mess with a man who made vows and is wearing a ring.

I know you're all about you and he's "love" and so what if he's married? but these people have shared a life for over 30 years...it's matters!!

I will never understand why women like you has zero morals on what you are doing to another human being (the wife) and how she does not deserve this and how you are causing pain whether you think so or not.

She is a human being, she fell in love with him too and made vows to him, she carried his child, how do you get it in your mind to deface that and do as you please with someone else's husband?

It doesn't matter because he 'loves' you? You didn't mean to? You couldn't help your feelings?

You're right, I am one of those that has no sympathy for you. You willingly decided to create a cheating type relationship and those are the utmost selfish and in my opinion, hateful.

Because you take someone else's life in your hands and their heart and you squeeze it with pain and twist it with deceit and you do not care.

One day you might fall in love where you will want marriage or a long term relationship and maybe some woman will cozy up to your man, only then will you know what this kind of pain is and you won't understand why someone would willingly choose to take something from you and destroy and not respect what you've built with a man.

I hope you never feel that kind of pain, because it is much worse than what you are feeling right now. Betrayal from someone you've given your life to and betrayal from another woman who does not care what she has done, is the worst kind of pain someone can feel.

You know what I always think about when I read posts like this? How the wife is sat there thinking her marriage is okay and might not be perfect but her husband is her husband.

She has no idea that another woman has snuck up to her husband and has decided to become a home wrecker and mess with a man who made vows and is wearing a ring.

I know you're all about you and he's "love" and so what if he's married? but these people have shared a life for over 30 years...it's matters!!

 

I will never understand why women like you have zero morals on what you are doing to another human being (the wife) and how she does not deserve this and how you are causing pain whether you think so or not.

She is a human being, she fell in love with him too and made vows to him, she carried his child, how do you get i in your mind to deface that and do as you please with someone else's husband?

It doesn't matter because he loves you? You didn't mean to? You couldn't help your feelings?

 

You're right, I am one of those that has no sympathy for you. You willingly decided to create a cheating type relationship and those are the utmost selfish and in my opinion, hateful.

Because you take someone else's life in your hands and their heart and you squeeze it with pain and twist it with deceit and you do not care.

 

One day you might fall in love where you will want marriage or a long term relationship and maybe some woman will cozy up to your man, only then will you know what this kind of pain is and you won't understand why someone would willingly choose to take something from you and destroy and not respect what you've built with a man.

I hope you never feel that kind of pain, because it is much worse than what you are feeling right now. Betrayal from someone you've given your life to and betrayal from another woman who does not care what she has done, is the worst kind of pain someone can feel.

Sherry, believe me I get it. I'm not a home wrecker. Far from it. I do have a good moral compass, and I do have integrity,which is exactly why I ended the affair.

I expect some backlash for posting this. It's fine. You don't know me personally so it's easy for you to point your finger and look down on me. Again...that's fine. Im sure somewhere in your life you've done something you're not proud of. I sure hope no one berated you for your choices. Especially if you owned up to it.

So the breakup had nothing to do with him refusing to move closer but instead with his refusal to leave his wife for you?

As I stated before, I still think of the wife and how she has dedicated her life to this man and how it would feel to find out that he was with you and that you chose to be with her husband knowing he was taken.

Pain like that never goes away. 30 some years, wow. She would no doubt feel like she did it all for nothing and gave everything she had, all for pain and betrayal.

God willing you never get back karma.

So the breakup had nothing to do with him refusing to move closer but instead with his refusal to leave his wife for you?

No. I never asked him to leave her. Ever.

He told me he wanted to be with me...but giving up half of everything after 30 years is a lot.

I would never expect him to do that. We had discussed me moving closer to him but I refused unless we were

Officially together.

As I stated before, I still think of the wife and how she has dedicated her life to this man and how it would feel to find out that he was with you and that you chose to be with her husband knowing he was taken.

Pain like that never goes away. 30 some years, wow. She would no doubt feel like she did it all for nothing and gave everything she had, all for pain and betrayal.

God willing you never get back karma.

Really Sherry? Attack me all you want...his wife was never hurt. If she gets hurt it's because of what her husband did. I am not married to her. I struggled lot with this...knowing I could destroy someone's life.

Trying to make me the villain isn't going to work.

I was on the other side of this. My now ex revealed that she'd had a number of affairs with married men. I was devastated and in hindsight I should have ended it right then. I'm with sherysher, mortality is not flexible. You knew he was married when you helped him cheat. A "mistake" is mixing salt and pepper. This was a conscious choice. Over and over. The unkindeness and deception required to maintain such an affair become familiar terrioritory to her and it can back to bite me less than 2 years into our relationship. She never owned up to it, rationalizing it as she was "the getaway driver rather than the bank robber".

I have one question. Genuinely want to understand. What goes through your mind when you choose to continue it? Did you for example ever think of the innocent woman and children on the other side?

I was on the other side of this. My now ex revealed that she'd had a number of affairs with married men. I was devastated and in hindsight I should have ended it right then. I'm with sherysher, mortality is not flexible. You knew he was married when you helped him cheat. A "mistake" is mixing salt and pepper. This was a conscious choice. Over and over. The unkindeness and deception required to maintain such an affair become familiar terrioritory to her and it can back to bite me less than 2 years into our relationship. She never owned up to it, rationalizing it as she was "the getaway driver rather than the bank robber".

I have one question. Genuinely want to understand. What goes through your mind when you choose to continue it? Did you for example ever think of the innocent woman and children on the other side?

Of course I thought of them. Im not some evil monster. I ended this affair various times ...for this exact reason. .only to foolishly go back.

No. I never asked him to leave her. Ever.

He told me he wanted to be with me...but giving up half of everything after 30 years is a lot.

I would never expect him to do that. We had discussed me moving closer to him but I refused unless we were

Officially together.

So saying you wouldn't move closer unless you were "officially together" is different from asking him to leave his wife? Because wouldn't he need to leave his wife in order for you two to be "officially together"?

So saying you wouldn't move closer unless you were "officially together" is different from asking him to leave his wife? Because wouldn't he need to leave his wife in order for you two to be "officially together"?

No. It not the same because I never asked him to leave his wife. If he left it would be because he wanted out. Not because of me. I told him this many many times..

You're right OP, vilifying you will do no good if you still cannot see what your choices meant to another person. She wasn't hurt? Why? Because she has not found out?

I could go on for days on why you do not do this to another human being willingly and you are sitting there blaming it on the husband? Sigh. You and he both decided to create chaos and decided to create pain.

He was not and is not a single man, he has a child with this woman albeit a grown one. I realise too that you will never feel that kind of pain unless it is done to you.

Don't willingly stab another human being in the back and then want sympathy from others because your hand now hurts from doing so.

I wrote this thread because I ENDED an affair. Meaning it's over.

I never asked my MM to leave his wife for me. Not once. So to attack me for having has an affair that I have ended is pointless. Obviously I knew it was wrong or I would continue doing it.

He was always honest with me about everything.

I have not read any of your previous posts that I remember of. Congratulations for ending it. I hope that you manage to never do it again. However, if he was always honest with you about everything, you need to question why you put yourself in such a scenario to begin with. I can imagine how one might end up compromising their values due to loneliness but it is not clear what was your end game; what you were hoping for. At the end of the day entering such an arrangement IS a choice. It sounds like you are owning up to part of it - the affair- but it is unclear whether you own up to trying to break up their marriage. The fact that he was a willing accomplish does not change the fact that you opted to enable him to cheat. The well off older married man going for a much younger model is quite a cliche too. That was quite an unfair competition you engaged in. It might be worth to reflect on what made you enter such a competition in the first place as that is probably part of the reason for whatever type of emotional availability is keeping you single. Good luck with your healing.

I have not read any of your previous posts that I remember of. Congratulations for ending it. I hope that you manage to never do it again. However, if he was always honest with you about everything, you need to question why you put yourself in such a scenario to begin with. I can imagine how one might end up compromising their values due to loneliness but it is not clear what was your end game; what you were hoping for. At the end of the day entering such an arrangement IS a choice. It sounds like you are owning up to part of it - the affair- but it is unclear whether you own up to trying to break up their marriage. The fact that he was a willing accomplish does not change the fact that you opted to help him cheat. The well off older married man going for a younger model is quite a cliche too. That was quite an unfair competition you engaged in. You may need to reflect on what made you enter such a competition in the first place as that is probably part of the reason for whatever type of emotional availability is keeping you single. Good luck with your healing.

Thank you Clio.

Yes I do own up to it. Entering the relationship knowing he was married. Honestly I never expected to fall for someone that much older than me...so as cliche as it sounds, it really did just happen...there was no ulterior motive.

I will do some soul searching ...and see how and why I did this. I may never know. Sometimes you just can't put a label on the way you feel or why.

I take it you have never been on the other side of infidelity.

Good that you ended it. Hopefully in your next relationship, your man doesn't encounter a woman with a similar "moral compass." I say that not to crucify you, but to point out the vast discrepancy between your words and your actions. You say you have good morals, but your participation in an affair strongly suggests you lost them somewhere along the way. Now is the time to get them back and never be so careless with them again.

Perhaps if this happened to you, then you would truly understand how hurtful your behaviour as the Other Woman was. Time and attention your MM spent on you was still time and attention taken away from his wife and family. I see that you assume that just because his wife didn't discover the affair, she wasn't hurt. If you really believe that, you are very much lacking insight into how even undiscovered infidelity hurts a relationship. I guarantee you she is not as clueless as you think. She's been married to him for too long not to notice when something isn't right, even if she can't identify exactly what that is. You and he both altered the landscape of their marriage. He couldn't have done without your consent, and vice versa.

Cut any and all ties with this bottom-feeder.

No. I never asked him to leave her. Ever.

He told me he wanted to be with me...but giving up half of everything after 30 years is a lot.

I would never expect him to do that. We had discussed me moving closer to him but I refused unless we were

Officially together.

But to be officially together he'd have to leave her. And why would he want to move closer? What excuses would he give the wife?

The point here is that he never wanted to leave his wife. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too, and this arrangement was very convenient for him. You can call it love or any other name, but it is what it is.

I won't give you much backlash because I feel that you know that you've made a big mistake and you're suffering the consequences. I hope that you heal fast, learn from this and won't repeat it again.

No. It not the same because I never asked him to leave his wife. If he left it would be because he wanted out. Not because of me. I told him this many many times..

That's just semantics. A good man (or woman), won't cheat and if he feels such a strong will of being with someone he will leave them. Period. I'm not even going to talk about the danger (STDs) for the other person that it is to cheat.

Thanks god you ended this and now lets hope that you stick to it for good. Good luck.

JA0371, when you met him, do you think you went for it precisely because you knew nothing would ever come of it?

you knew he wasn't going to leave the family for you, and didn't ask him to.

the distance plus the marriage and kid made him doubly off charts.

i don't know about your dating history, but sometimes we give ourselves a semblance of a relationship which we know will never become more because we feel not ready, or not fit for an actual one.

the rational part of you may not want this type of relationship, but a promising and healthy one.

and sometimes there's a part that wants 7 bolted doors between us and the real thing.

and they compromise like this.

i'm only saying this because i am hoping you get to the bottom of why you chose this, so that you don't go through stillborn relationships again.

I actually remember your thread last year, when you were all excited about going to meet him...so I just went back and read your old post on it. You said he was your FB friend and that he was a somewhat well known figure, but you were clearly into him based on your online conversations...so did you know he was married at that point? You sounded full of hope, so something tells me you didn't know about it.

Either way, listen I know crappy things happen to good people. I don't think you're a bad person with an unhealthy moral compass only based on this affair. Sometimes, we really click with people, or at least we think we do, especially when they are very skilled at making it appear that way. This guy was clearly looking for long distance hookups, since being married and a somewhat relevant public figure I'm sure he didn't want to risk affairs with local women. You were probably not the first 'other woman', and won't be the last. And chances are his wife knows who she's married to, but chooses to turn a blind eye because the benefits of the marriage outweigh the negatives. I don't know their situation, but I agree with you somewhat, it is him who is married and owes her loyalty, so he is the main culprit here. Yes it would be nice if us, as women, were strong and level headed enough to say no when this type of situation occurs, and make a conscious effort to stop these a-holes from cheating, but sometimes the heart, ego, hormones or whatever else may be get in the way and before we know it, we're in too deep.

Of course what you did sucks, but what he did sucks even more. You clearly learned from this and now know to never do it again, and I think this is a valuable lesson. Being the other woman is not as fun and exciting as it looks from the outside, far from it. It is a lonely road paved with disappointment, heartaches and feelings of inadequacy. I am glad you chose to get off this ride and give yourself the chance to meet a man who can commit to you and be yours fully. It couldn't have been an easy decision, and you will suffer just as much as after any other breakup. You have some work ahead of you, because on top of the loss you will also have to deal with the guilt you'll be feeling for a while, but the reality is that while yes you helped this idiot cheat, it is him who is the root of the problem, who is a rotten person, and you are absolutely better off without him. He was only wasting your time, so kicking him to the curb was the best thing you could have done.

Now try to forgive yourself and heal, and most importantly, stay strong in case he tries to hook you again, because going back would be a major waste of your time.

You could experience levels of love which would blow this out of the waters.

It all depends on what you want and what you choose going forward.

I know you think this is a love story, but through my eyes it's something totally different. A man who would approach me while married and try to be with me - that's a huge disrespect. There is nothing loving about that. He showed you his capacity for love, in treating you as someone who would be a side piece, and in his willingness to betray the woman ( his wife) who he promised everything to. He is a liar and a cheat, so I think it foolish to continue to believe he is an honest man and that he loved you. That's just my opinion. If you are going to heal, really go deep, and fully come out of the denial about what it is you are mourning.

I agree with Rainy too. And I think it's fully possible to understand why you did what you did. You just have to be brutally honest with yourself. Whatever you got out of it was worth going against your values ( according to you) - so that was some strong motivation that led you to get involved.

I think it took a lot of courage for you to admit this in an open forum. And for that i do congratulate you. It is understandable many among us on the receiving end of infidelity will see you as the face of the "other man / woman".

And I AM beginning to understand why some people do it despite holding themselves to a higher standard.

In my case, her carefully constructed self-image became too removed from reality for us to remain together. I was too black&white; that it took one thing and one thing only to engage in an affair. That of self-interest. One prioritises their own needs above everyone and everything else (including their morals).

Big piece of advice, either don't tell your next partner and avoid being judged, or (and this takes strength and moral courage) admit it early then do everything in your power throughout your new relationship to give you partner no reason to ever mistrust you.

Thank you Clio.

Yes I do own up to it. Entering the relationship knowing he was married. Honestly I never expected to fall for someone that much older than me...so as cliche as it sounds, it really did just happen...there was no ulterior motive.

 

I will do some soul searching ...and see how and why I did this. I may never know. Sometimes you just can't put a label on the way you feel or why.

If you continue to believe "it just happened" and it wasn't your choice to get involved with a married man, it's highly likely to happen again. No need for labels on the way you feel or why - because only your actions are relevant and how you react to those feelings. You used the label "officially together" and you know he prioritized being married (for whatever reason) over being with you. Married man cannot date, by definition - no label, just reality, so if he can't date of course he couldn't "officially" be with you. I'm not attacking you for this affair just not seeing in the least how you plan to not do it again if you evade your responsibility with "it just happened" and "no ulterior motive", etc.