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Thread: Confession: Ending an affair

  1. #1
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Confession: Ending an affair

    Hi everyone.
    I recently ended a long distance affair....I am disclosing this now because it's pretty imperative to my healing.

    My ex Mam is quite a bit older than me, affluent, somewhat wealthy and very MARRIED.
    He's been married 32 years. One grown daughter.
    The decision to end this is mine. I love him and I know he loves me...but like ALL affairs, I know he is never going to end his marriage for me...and rightfully so. I even said many times that if I were evil enough I would just share him with her...but I know it's wrong and I've wrestled with this for more than a year.

    I have never had an affair before and it's one of the most heart wrenching things I have ever been through. I will never do it again .

    I already made a thread about our breakup....but I never disclosed that he is married. I thought the feedback would be more honest if I did.
    I know I was wrong...which is why I broke it off....but it still hurts. It hurts because I lost so much of me, but I have felt love for someone on levels I may never feel again, and I will always treasure that. I have also felt tremendously lonely and yes..many times tremendously devalued. Mostly by myself. I started to feel bitter and resentment because I wanted it all....then I realized I was just like all those "other women' out there. I wasn't really all that special. If I were....why was I settling for crumbs. I took it for a year....then I realized all those holidays alone. All those times he had to call me from his car.

    I don't blame my MM at all. He was always honest with me about everything. Sometimes too honest. I have no doubt that he loved me. Some might disagree...but I know he did. I went into this with my eyes wide open..now I need to do what's right for everyone. It hurts like hell. It's still fresh....

    Not looking for any advice . I know I won't get much empathy....trust me I understand. No one is harder on me than I am to myself. I guess I just wanted to be honest.. Because living this lie has truly been hard.
    Im just human.

    My heart is broken.

  2. #2
    Gold Member Limiya's Avatar
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    That was a lovely written post, and very articulate and in touch with how you feel.
    Sometimes you can't tell your heart who to fall in love with. It just does.
    It just makes it harder down the road to end it.

    You did the right thing. You're gonna feel the same as most people will when going through any breakup.
    You recognized this for what it was. You being another woman, and you will never get more than that. As lovely as these men might be (on the surface), you can't get what you want or need.
    And it could have gone even worse, with the wife and you both being hurt in the long term. But I'm sure you're aware of that.
    Just think of it as an experience, one that inevitably had to end. You're left with good and bad memories, like with any relationship. You'll soon get over the initial pain and heartache, and eventually you'll meet someone who is available.

    It's easy to condemn you. However, if it was as easy as 'He's married. Not interested' then there would be no such thing as other women at all. Emotions make it complicated.

    I wish you all the best.
    Limiya

  3. #3
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You know what I always think about when I read posts like this? How the wife is sat there thinking her marriage is okay and might not be perfect but her husband is her husband.
    She has no idea that another woman has snuck up to her husband and has decided to become a home wrecker and mess with a man who made vows and is wearing a ring.
    I know you're all about you and he's "love" and so what if he's married? but these people have shared a life for over 30 years...it's matters!!

    I will never understand why women like you has zero morals on what you are doing to another human being (the wife) and how she does not deserve this and how you are causing pain whether you think so or not.
    She is a human being, she fell in love with him too and made vows to him, she carried his child, how do you get it in your mind to deface that and do as you please with someone else's husband?
    It doesn't matter because he 'loves' you? You didn't mean to? You couldn't help your feelings?

    You're right, I am one of those that has no sympathy for you. You willingly decided to create a cheating type relationship and those are the utmost selfish and in my opinion, hateful.
    Because you take someone else's life in your hands and their heart and you squeeze it with pain and twist it with deceit and you do not care.

    One day you might fall in love where you will want marriage or a long term relationship and maybe some woman will cozy up to your man, only then will you know what this kind of pain is and you won't understand why someone would willingly choose to take something from you and destroy and not respect what you've built with a man.

    I hope you never feel that kind of pain, because it is much worse than what you are feeling right now. Betrayal from someone you've given your life to and betrayal from another woman who does not care what she has done, is the worst kind of pain someone can feel.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    You know what I always think about when I read posts like this? How the wife is sat there thinking her marriage is okay and might not be perfect but her husband is her husband.
    She has no idea that another woman has snuck up to her husband and has decided to become a home wrecker and mess with a man who made vows and is wearing a ring.
    I know you're all about you and he's "love" and so what if he's married? but these people have shared a life for over 30 years...it's matters!!

    I will never understand why women like you have zero morals on what you are doing to another human being (the wife) and how she does not deserve this and how you are causing pain whether you think so or not.
    She is a human being, she fell in love with him too and made vows to him, she carried his child, how do you get i in your mind to deface that and do as you please with someone else's husband?
    It doesn't matter because he loves you? You didn't mean to? You couldn't help your feelings?

    You're right, I am one of those that has no sympathy for you. You willingly decided to create a cheating type relationship and those are the utmost selfish and in my opinion, hateful.
    Because you take someone else's life in your hands and their heart and you squeeze it with pain and twist it with deceit and you do not care.

    One day you might fall in love where you will want marriage or a long term relationship and maybe some woman will cozy up to your man, only then will you know what this kind of pain is and you won't understand why someone would willingly choose to take something from you and destroy and not respect what you've built with a man.
    I hope you never feel that kind of pain, because it is much worse than what you are feeling right now. Betrayal from someone you've given your life to and betrayal from another woman who does not care what she has done, is the worst kind of pain someone can feel.
    Sherry, believe me I get it. I'm not a home wrecker. Far from it. I do have a good moral compass, and I do have integrity,which is exactly why I ended the affair.
    I expect some backlash for posting this. It's fine. You don't know me personally so it's easy for you to point your finger and look down on me. Again...that's fine. Im sure somewhere in your life you've done something you're not proud of. I sure hope no one berated you for your choices. Especially if you owned up to it.

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  6. #5
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    So the breakup had nothing to do with him refusing to move closer but instead with his refusal to leave his wife for you?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    As I stated before, I still think of the wife and how she has dedicated her life to this man and how it would feel to find out that he was with you and that you chose to be with her husband knowing he was taken.
    Pain like that never goes away. 30 some years, wow. She would no doubt feel like she did it all for nothing and gave everything she had, all for pain and betrayal.
    God willing you never get back karma.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    So the breakup had nothing to do with him refusing to move closer but instead with his refusal to leave his wife for you?
    No. I never asked him to leave her. Ever.
    He told me he wanted to be with me...but giving up half of everything after 30 years is a lot.
    I would never expect him to do that. We had discussed me moving closer to him but I refused unless we were
    Officially together.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    As I stated before, I still think of the wife and how she has dedicated her life to this man and how it would feel to find out that he was with you and that you chose to be with her husband knowing he was taken.
    Pain like that never goes away. 30 some years, wow. She would no doubt feel like she did it all for nothing and gave everything she had, all for pain and betrayal.
    God willing you never get back karma.
    Really Sherry? Attack me all you want...his wife was never hurt. If she gets hurt it's because of what her husband did. I am not married to her. I struggled lot with this...knowing I could destroy someone's life.
    Trying to make me the villain isn't going to work.

  10. #9
    Bronze Member EternalOptimis's Avatar
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    I was on the other side of this. My now ex revealed that she'd had a number of affairs with married men. I was devastated and in hindsight I should have ended it right then. I'm with sherysher, mortality is not flexible. You knew he was married when you helped him cheat. A "mistake" is mixing salt and pepper. This was a conscious choice. Over and over. The unkindeness and deception required to maintain such an affair become familiar terrioritory to her and it can back to bite me less than 2 years into our relationship. She never owned up to it, rationalizing it as she was "the getaway driver rather than the bank robber".
    I have one question. Genuinely want to understand. What goes through your mind when you choose to continue it? Did you for example ever think of the innocent woman and children on the other side?

  11. #10
    Platinum Member JA0371's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by EternalOptimis
    I was on the other side of this. My now ex revealed that she'd had a number of affairs with married men. I was devastated and in hindsight I should have ended it right then. I'm with sherysher, mortality is not flexible. You knew he was married when you helped him cheat. A "mistake" is mixing salt and pepper. This was a conscious choice. Over and over. The unkindeness and deception required to maintain such an affair become familiar terrioritory to her and it can back to bite me less than 2 years into our relationship. She never owned up to it, rationalizing it as she was "the getaway driver rather than the bank robber".
    I have one question. Genuinely want to understand. What goes through your mind when you choose to continue it? Did you for example ever think of the innocent woman and children on the other side?
    Of course I thought of them. Im not some evil monster. I ended this affair various times ...for this exact reason. .only to foolishly go back.

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