Let's add some confusion with some confusion

so my wife that I've been separated from for a couple months in the last couple weeks will out of the blue say things or do things to show she cares, still wants our marriage. We have gotten to the point agreeing to take things slow, because we had a bad habit of rushing into everything in life.

So last week, having a very typical conversation she randomly through text writes "I'm not asking you to move back in yet, but I do miss you". I made the mistake a week n half ago of staying in the bed(no sex), but apparently that is what triggered her missing me was me being back in the bed. Which I reply with miss you too, but that was the end of it.

Then today she was busy with a friends wedding as she's a bridesmaid. I took our little guy with me for the day. We were texting here and there which was all very positive. She sent me a few pics of her in her brides maids dress. To which, I reply that she looked absolutely stunning. The conversation continued to be very positive and almost loving again. As I was out doing stuff with our child, I get a random text saying "love you, sorry I haven't responded. Super busy with the wedding stuff"

I reply with"it's ok, love you too". I about dropped my phone as I haven't heard her say love you or miss you in I can't remember when. Maybe I went overboard, but I also responded with "you know I'm not one to get emotional, but I did get a bit choked up from that. It made my day to hear that and how much I do miss you".

Then again as always with that stuff with her. The switch hit like we just didn't have a moment and then she began to ignore any talk to do with even how the nights going. I did make the mistake of keep going on about it by trying to get a response out of her. I apologized if I came on too strong. But she just continues to pretend like I never said it.

I want to accept and feel those things she tells me, but it's like a seperation regret. She needs to blurt those things out, then proceeds to act like it was never said and go on about her day. Almost like a jackyl and Hyde thing.

So, just a few outsider thoughts. Firstly, she was probably busy enjoying the wedding and being part of the bridal party which made it hard for her to have a substantial conversation with you... It might help to try taking her perspective on things rather than simply responding/reacting to what she says and does. (i.e.) Could there be another reason for her behaviour outside of some emotional/intentional cue that she's giving you?

Another point to consider: you've agreed to take things slowly, but it's not enough for you that she says she misses and loves you. You feel the need to further that conversation. I'm guessing this is because you need quite a lot of verbal validation and emotional support from her. At a trying time such as this, you may need to be a lot more patient, as you can (by the sounds of it) risk taking things too far and asking more of her than what she can give you right now.

There's an emotional push and tug in relationships...sometimes you have to be willing to settle for small but meaningful comments and savour those. It was a sweet little exchange that you had, she says she loves you and you say that made your day to hear it. You can, in fact, settle on that and try and ride that high for a few days without needing to take it further. Be patient. Let her come to you and open up - create a safe space for her to do that. Isn't that what you want?

Knowing how to give space and limit your requests of someone is a skill that you need to hone in order to have a healthy relationship. It's not going to be perfect right now, so little steps in the right direction should be accepted and appreciated

So, just a few outsider thoughts. Firstly, she was probably busy enjoying the wedding and being part of the bridal party which made it hard for her to have a substantial conversation with you... It might help to try taking her perspective on things rather than simply responding/reacting to what she says and does. (i.e.) Could there be another reason for her behaviour outside of some emotional/intentional cue that she's giving you?

 

Another point to consider: you've agreed to take things slowly, but it's not enough for you that she says she misses and loves you. You feel the need to further that conversation. I'm guessing this is because you need quite a lot of verbal validation and emotional support from her. At a trying time such as this, you may need to be a lot more patient, as you can (by the sounds of it) risk taking things too far and asking more of her than what she can give you right now.

 

There's an emotional push and tug in relationships...sometimes you have to be willing to settle for small but meaningful comments and savour those. It was a sweet little exchange that you had, she says she loves you and you say that made your day to hear it. You can, in fact, settle on that and try and ride that high for a few days without needing to take it further. Be patient. Let her come to you and open up - create a safe space for her to do that. Isn't that what you want?

 

Knowing how to give space and limit your requests of someone is a skill that you need to hone in order to have a healthy relationship. It's not going to be perfect right now, so little steps in the right direction should be accepted and appreciated

Everything you stated is very true taking into account her side. However, given our situation And MY emotions. It all seems very up and down to where I don't know what's genuine from her anymore. It's hard for me to just let things develop on their own time when I'm the other person in the marriage. It's very hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that she went from being madly in love with me to wanting nothing to do with me(wanting a divorce) back to asking me to come around, misses me, loves me. All the while, in between all that I get spurts of the same outcome as I left.

The same day she said she loved me, she came home super drunk and nothing but treat me like crap and yell at me for no reason other than that's what she's done since she's changed the past few years. The thing is, I backed all the way off to the point of not contacting her to let her come to me. Which she did, but the minute I attempt to take a step also, she goes right back and says I'm pushing her away. It feels like this whole process like everything else. Is when she wants it and how she wants it. It's never 50/50 with us. If something isn't ok for me to do and she will dig into me, then I find out she thinks it's perfectly fine for her to do it. If I bring it up, she either shuts me out, or tells me she's allowed to have a private life and be an individual.

I feel like she doesn't want to hear my side of any of this but I must listen and change to what she thinks is wrong with it all for us to work.

Example before I left: I work 50+ hours a week, if I'm not working I'm with our son. Which is just him and me all weekend while she is at school and or work. In a nutshell, we never ever seen eachother to start with. However, after not seeing her all week and weekend(which has been like this for a year now) she will go out till bar closes. Then sleeps in until it's time to go back to work.

What I'm getting at is, I asked her if we could even spend a little time together because she made all the time for friends and none for us, but never hesitate to ask for financial help. She never would, so when she asked me to come back around I thought she would of worked on her side of things. Well low and behold I went and did counseling, tried to see it from her side, etc.... but the last two weeeks have been the same outcome of our son and I sitting around waiting for Mom. Nothing changed with her and she didn't seem to take any time to work on herself and her underlining issues. She just ignores anything and everything that's a negative. If your not fun and want to run wild then she doesn't want to deal with it to include bills.

It just feels like the only way she will want the marriage is if I do all the changing, and change to a T of how she wants me. Which is to financially give her everything I have, and to shut my mouth and put a smile on my face while she choses to leave for her friends and going out. Never express my frustrations, and never expect to spend anytime together. That seems to be the only way.

random text saying "love you, sorry I haven't responded. Super busy with the wedding stuff"

Maybe the text was for her mom or dad? If it was random, she may have accidentally sent it to you. How is she pretending she didn't say it? Did you verbal diarhhea text messages while she was whooping it up as a bridesmaid. I dunno about you, but I have yet to see a bridesmaid with their phone glued onto their hand while they are dancing with best friends.

I think you need to take a deep breath, and chill - go do some yoga. I'm so not trying to be patronizing, but you may be working yourself up over nothing because you really want things to work out. Save the crazy for counseling.

random text saying "love you, sorry I haven't responded. Super busy with the wedding stuff"

 

Maybe the text was for her mom or dad? If it was random, she may have accidentally sent it to you. How is she pretending she didn't say it? Did you verbal diarhhea text messages while she was whooping it up as a bridesmaid. I dunno about you, but I have yet to see a bridesmaid with their phone glued onto their hand while they are dancing with best friends.

 

I think you need to take a deep breath, and chill - go do some yoga. I'm so not trying to be patronizing, but you may be working yourself up over nothing because you really want things to work out. Save the crazy for counseling.

It was directed at me, because after I said "it's ok, love you too." She responded with weddings make her emotional.

She pretends or almost seems to regret it because when she says the love you or miss you it will be in the middle of a conversation that is about random things, she'll say those things then right back to what we were talking about. Then that's it's. Then the rest of the day and her demeanor is the same. Not very loving, very distant and preoccupied regardless if there's a wedding going on.

Everything you stated is very true taking into account her side. However, given our situation And MY emotions. It all seems very up and down to where I don't know what's genuine from her anymore. It's hard for me to just let things develop on their own time when I'm the other person in the marriage. It's very hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that she went from being madly in love with me to wanting nothing to do with me(wanting a divorce) back to asking me to come around, misses me, loves me. All the while, in between all that I get spurts of the same outcome as I left.

 

The same day she said she loved me, she came home super drunk and nothing but treat me like crap and yell at me for no reason other than that's what she's done since she's changed the past few years. The thing is, I backed all the way off to the point of not contacting her to let her come to me. Which she did, but the minute I attempt to take a step also, she goes right back and says I'm pushing her away. It feels like this whole process like everything else. Is when she wants it and how she wants it. It's never 50/50 with us. If something isn't ok for me to do and she will dig into me, then I find out she thinks it's perfectly fine for her to do it. If I bring it up, she either shuts me out, or tells me she's allowed to have a private life and be an individual.

 

I feel like she doesn't want to hear my side of any of this but I must listen and change to what she thinks is wrong with it all for us to work.

 

Example before I left: I work 50+ hours a week, if I'm not working I'm with our son. Which is just him and me all weekend while she is at school and or work. In a nutshell, we never ever seen eachother to start with. However, after not seeing her all week and weekend(which has been like this for a year now) she will go out till bar closes. Then sleeps in until it's time to go back to work.

 

What I'm getting at is, I asked her if we could even spend a little time together because she made all the time for friends and none for us, but never hesitate to ask for financial help. She never would, so when she asked me to come back around I thought she would of worked on her side of things. Well low and behold I went and did counseling, tried to see it from her side, etc.... but the last two weeeks have been the same outcome of our son and I sitting around waiting for Mom. Nothing changed with her and she didn't seem to take any time to work on herself and her underlining issues. She just ignores anything and everything that's a negative. If your not fun and want to run wild then she doesn't want to deal with it to include bills.

What's she like with your son? Sounds like she's unhappy with her life in general and thus pushing you away and minimising her responsibilities. You may be right in that you may not be at fault here. If that's the case and she's unwilling to change her attitude and behaviour, then the outcomes are not looking good. You should prepare yourself to find stability and peace in being single, at least for a while, as there is no quick fix to this situation. Even if you were to move back in, things aren't going to magically get easier anytime soon. That's the overall impression I'm getting from you anyway.

Keep up with the counselling, but steady yourself and put yourself and your son first.

Yeah, things aren't looking up. She sounds a bit selfish and emotionally manipulative. She also sounds like too much work.