How can I get my mom to speak more civilly with me?

My mom is not a very logical person and often very glib, so how she talks to me often makes no sense or is very thoughtless or inconsiderate. I feel so powerless taking all her jabs because every time I respond to her in order to pacify her, it's as if she doesn't hear me and continues on with her barrage of attacks. Sometimes before she speaks, I'm already afraid of the interaction because I expect her to find any opportunity to yell at me. For example, I would make breakfast as I always would for everyone, but she would come out of her room with an accusatory tone, "What? You didn't make me breakfast?" I say "Yes, it's on the table," and she would just mindlessly say, "Where? Well, I don't see it."

I just don't understand it because how can she not see it? It's on the table, right in front of her...

Just now, she was telling me to clean the toilet. She normally cleans it, so I didn't know where the bleach was. I've looked for it before when I thought the toilet needed cleaning but couldn't find it and just thought ehhhh. So after listening to her angry tirade, I just asked her, "Ok, I'll clean the toilet, but where's the bleach?" I don't talk back and I don't speak with attitude. I just want the information so I can do what she wants me to do and I just wish she could simply say, "I don't want to always be the one to clean the toilet, so can we share the responsibility?" or just simply ask "Hey, can you clean the toilet? It's getting dirty."

So after asking for the location of the bleach, she remains quiet. I say "Uh... mom?" a couple of times before she says angrily "Go look for it yourself!"

???????????

I tell her I couldn't find it. Still angry, she says things about how I need to get my vision checked, put my glasses on, etc. and finally tells me how the bleach looks. Me, I'm just really upset at this point, and when I am, I just keep quiet. I feel so confused and trapped and I'm thinking about why she's being so angry, what I can say/do. In the past, she gets angry at me for speaking up (as in "You could have just said so-and-so" or if I told her she was unnecessarily insulting or degrading me). So now I just put up with it silently.

I really don't mind cleaning when it's starting to bother her. I know why she gets so frustrated too - I don't notice when things need cleaning, so I'm half the problem. I've told her before that I just don't notice, but if you just point it out to me or ask me to do something, I'll do it - which has always been the case. She told me this morning to clean the cat litter, so I did. That one was civil though. I just don't when why sometimes she's civil and other times she gets nasty. It makes no sense, it's unpredictable, and I can't really talk to her because I'm afraid to.

She's not like this to other people, so it makes me think there must be something wrong with me. I must be doing something wrong or I don't know. It just feels really bad and I want to change this dynamic, but how?

How old you are makes a huge difference on what advice I would give you. General advice though is that you will NEVER be able to control how you mom interacts with you. You can only control how you interact with your mom. My mom is a pushy, controlling, aggressive woman. I understand how difficult it can be.

How old you are makes a huge difference on what advice I would give you. General advice though is that you will NEVER be able to control how you mom interacts with you. You can only control how you interact with your mom. My mom is a pushy, controlling, aggressive woman. I understand how difficult it can be.

Yeah, you're right. It's probably better to ask how *I* can approach the situation. What I can do/say differently. My parents have been on the verge of divorcing half my life because she wouldn't change (though my dad has gone to great lengths trying to compromise), so I doubt I can change her. I'm 25 and I know I'm too old to be living with my parents from a western perspective, but it's preferred in the Asian culture until we have our own family. Still, kind of embarrassing to admit this. I've thought about moving out, but I'm only working part-time and still continuing education. I've an anxiety disorder and don't see myself as self-sufficient yet, so there are a lot of limitations... at least perceived limitations? I'm not sure... I just feel stuck in my situation.

I see that you are 25 and in school. Are you working? Who supports the family?

25 is old enough to stand up for yourself. If you are financially dependent on your mother then she has some right to dictate things to you. How she does that isn't in your power either. You could always tell her how she is being but she seems unresponsive to conversation.

If you are financially independent that is somewhat different. But honestly more information is needed before i can give any direct advice.

Wiggen:

I note what you say:

I'm 25 and I know I'm too old to be living with my parents from a western perspective, but it's preferred in the Asian culture until we have our own family. Still, kind of embarrassing to admit this. I've thought about moving out, but I'm only working part-time and still continuing education. I've an anxiety disorder and don't see myself as self-sufficient yet, so there are a lot of limitations

Problem is, OP, that your anxiety disorder can only get worse in that environment. Your mother sounds rather toxic.

Perhaps you could get this book and it might help:

"Will I ever be good enough" a book by Dr. Karyl McBride