His ex still wants him - am i going crazy?

Hey everyone,

I would really love your advice on this because I feel like I'm going crazy. Me and my boyfriend have been a couple for 6 months (since december), we have been friends with benefits for around 2 months before the relationship. I didn't want a relationship with him because he has a 3 y.o kid with his ex gf and I knew it's gonna get complicated, but he didn't wanna accept that and he worked hard for me to fall in love with him, and i did. We've been happy until I realized that his ex still loves him and she doesn't know about us because when we went on a date in March i posted a story on instagram and she saw it, i told him and he started texting her that we are just friends and nothing more, I got mad, ruined our date and went home crying (we live together), he said he only did it because they have a kid together and she will be using him as a weapon not letting him see his son. And yes it happened like that because after she found out we are living together she didn't leave his son with him anymore unless he was going at her house. I accepted that, but after a month it didn't feel good to know that he's at her house knowing that she still loves him and her door will always be open for him. After the date i became insecure and crazy so i started going into his phone and reading the text with his ex, and one message he told her that he loves her. I confronted him about that and he said he only said it because she didn't wanna hurt her and she would become crazy if he didn't, and yet she still didn't know about us being a couple. I knew he is a coward and he wouldn't be able to say it straight in her face to stop flirting with him and wanting to be friends again (her definition of "friends" is him staying overnight at her place) so I convinced him to update the relation status on facebook. She then went crazy on his sister (she told me) that he was lying to her and gave her hope because in march he was telling her we weren't together when we are actually since december. She eventually calmed down and said that it's hard to her because we became official.

Few days ago I spoke with my boyfriend, told him everything i had on my heart, he said he was an ass and realized that not wanting to hurt her he hurt me instead. He said that he still wants to maintain a good relationship with her because of his son, but she is still only allowing him to see his son at her place.

I know we have talked but I still don't feel better, and I don't know what to do to trust him. The idea of her being always in his life is eating me alive.

Where to begin? There are so many red flags here.

1) Why are you already living with him?

2) It is bad that he hides you from his ex.

3) It is bad that he tells her he loves her.

4) He needs a formal custody/visitation schedule to see his child

You should not trust him. He is far too attached to his ex and he's playing the both of you. He's nowhere near boyfriend material and you will probably wind up hurt again very soon. I would break up with him and move on so you can find a man who doesn't come with an ex and all the associated drama. This isn't what a healthy or lasting relationship is made of, OP.

Thank you so much for the fast reply.

Well we are living in a share house, we were housemates but we would always end up staying together in one room.

Normally I wouldn't have accepted this but he's giving me attention, he spends all his time with me and he's talking about me to everyone, especially his family, how he loves me and wants a future with me. His sisters are telling me he's a coward and he doesn't want to hurt anyone and his ADHD is not really helping. But after what happened I can't really trust him and try to be really focus on his reactions towards a problem.

He needs to get into a courtroom and get a legal decision made on custody if that's his excuse, because she can't stop him from seeing his child unless she has a very good reason. If he won't do that, I can almost guarantee you that he still loves at least some of her; people don't just use those words to appease people they don't care about.

That's all fine and dandy he tells his family about you, but then why is he hiding you from his ex and telling her he loves her?

It's not because he's a coward. It's not because he has ADHD. Stop listening to these excuses. It's because he is trying to keep the door open with her. If he were as crazy about you as he leads you to believe, he would have no problem being honest with everyone - including his ex.

Stay at your own risk. I can just about promise you this won't end well for you.

He needs to get into a courtroom and get a legal decision made on custody if that's his excuse, because she can't stop him from seeing his child unless she has a very good reason. If he won't do that, I can almost guarantee you that he still loves at least some of her; people don't just use those words to appease people they don't care about.

I told him that, even that i will help him with money because it's obviously gonna be expensive. But he wants us to move somewhere else together before because living in a shared house he's not gonna have him win the case.

I wanna believe him but I can't get out of my mind that he still cares about her. Maybe he should because is the mother of his child?

What would be an okay situation for dating a guy with a child? Custody arrangements that don't allow for emotional blackmail affecting it. It would also involve a man only communicating to his ex about the child and NOTHING ELSE. He could create boundaries and get legal documents for custody arrangements that wouldn't involve supervised visits at her home if he wanted to. He's a grown man capable of doing these sorts of things, isn't he?

Go back to your own bedroom. When your lease is up, move to your own digs. If you don't deserve frustration and inappropriate behavior by a boyfriend, then don't accept such nonsense. As far as I've heard, there has been no global disaster that there are no other available cute, sexy guys on the planet who would make far better boyfriends. Hold out for one of them.

I told him that, even that i will help him with money because it's obviously gonna be expensive. But he wants us to move somewhere else together before because living in a shared house he's not gonna have him win the case.

I wanna believe him but I can't get out of my mind that he still cares about her. Maybe he should because is the mother of his child?

Not to the point of hiding you and telling her he loves her. His behavior with her is actually quite the opposite of caring; caring doesn't involve deception and leading her on.

Don't give him money for anything.

Not to the point of hiding you and telling her he loves her. His behavior with her is actually quite the opposite of caring; caring doesn't involve deception and leading her on.

 

Don't give him money for anything.

As we spoke a few days back we don't argue about this anymore, but as I can't trust him anymore I'm pushing him away being cold with him, what's bothering me the most is that he's doing the same, he says he cares about me but he's tired. I know what that means. This won't go long, but it's a bit too complicated to break things up now because I'm in a different country, i've been on sick pay because of a bad back, just started to go back to work 2 weeks ago, so I've got no money yet to go home, I've got no-one here, I feel alone and useless. And i think he feels the same, I feel bad for him, but i can never know for sure because he never opens up to me. I feel lost and I don't know what to do.