I hate my parents for having a lot of kids

I'm the eldest of five siblings. My mother stays at home and my dad works abroad. My mother used to have a nice government job but she quit (with my father's influence) because she was about to have me. Since then, she never entered the workforce and continued to have my 4 younger siblings.

My parents never used any form of contraception because they only believe in natural family planning. They're both religious. My dad, the only breadwinner in the household, also doesn't earn that much, just enough for our needs.

I'm just really pissed at them for making obviously poor decisions. I'm also pissed at them for believing in religious crap that having more children means having more blessings, and that contraception is wrong, blah blah blah. They can't keep up with meeting all of our needs (they tend to forget even small stuff like freaking socks), they obviously can't give us the good education, good opportunities to learn hobbies and other self-development stuff, nice things, etc. because of their financial situation.

My fights with my mom always end in me berating her and my dad for having so many children they can't support properly. She just answers me, "So what do you want to do, kill them?" It's so stupid. I always tell her that because of this, I don't ever want to have kids. It's also so annoying how my dad always complains he works hard to send us money and it never seems to be enough... well, duh, that's what you get for having 5 kids.

How old are you? It's sounds like you are still living at home. If that's the case start saving up now to move out.

Yes, if you are of an age where you can move out ,do that.

I agree to move out ASAP and get a part time job if you're still in school. LOL my child complains that he is an only child and doesn't have a sibling. Can parents ever win, sigh ;-)

Wow.

You're 21. Don't like it? Move out.

Have you tried buying your own socks?

If you're 21, living at home, and have the luxury to sit on the computer and complain about it, it sounds like you're being provided for just fine.

Seriously, how many kids your parents had is their life decision, not yours. Not to mention, it's a decision that has already been made, so I don't really blame your parents for saying "What do you want us to do, kill them?" What kind of response are you looking for?

Personally, I'm grateful for my five siblings. Sure, there are things my family could have afforded if it had just been me and my older brother, but we would have all missed out on vast emotional wealth. Can you really point to a sibling and say to yourself "My life would have been better if he/she weren't born and we had gone on an expensive vacation/had better clothes/gone to a better school/etc instead?"

Yes, there are times when big families drive you absolutely against the wall, so like others have said, get yourself some space. If possible, move out. If not, find productive things to take you out of the house (get a job, take classes, get involved with volunteer work). This would hopefully have the added benefit of helping you achieve some of the things you wish you had in life. But your parents don't owe those things to you, and they definitely are not accountable to you for their marital decisions, including how many children to have.

My son has no siblings. He finds it very lonely.

I was angry at my parents for years when I was a child because I felt that life took a nosedive after my siblings were born. Well, it did, both were on the spectrum and my parents both got depressed and it really messed me up for a while. I had to grow up quickly and I had to take a "parental" role over them at a young age because, well, I had to. The way I talk to both of them is more parental/authoritarian because they need that structure and guidance. I love my siblings, I don't wish them away, but I acknowledge that life was/is definitely harder for us as a family. But my anger at my parents is gone. It was their choice and they did the best they could for us. I get that now. Water under the bridge.

The nice thing about being an adult is that once you're on your own, YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN LIFE. If you don't want a big family, don't have one. Simple as that.

I decided at a young age that I didn't want to risk repeating what happened with my family so I got sterilized. Just because my parents chose to roll the genetic dice does not mean that I have to at all.

Why aren't you working and contributing to the family? Why haven't you moved out?

I don't understand your argument with your mother. It is really silly. What do you expect her to do, it's done.

I agree with you that it's grossly irresponsible of them .

Now you can go out and make your own choices.

Your parents can't be that broke if you all just went on a family vacation.

I'm the eldest of eight. We were very poor - at least in a financial sense - also. I left home at 17 and have never regretted it; are you really expecting your parents still to provide for you at 21?

It seems that one thing they never taught you was self-reliance, and I very strongly encourage you to develop this within yourself. You will realise that you actually have a whole world full of opportunities once you stop resenting your parents for not providing them.

Good luck!

I'm the eldest of five siblings. My mother stays at home and my dad works abroad. My mother used to have a nice government job but she quit (with my father's influence) because she was about to have me. Since then, she never entered the workforce and continued to have my 4 younger siblings.

 

My parents never used any form of contraception because they only believe in natural family planning. They're both religious. My dad, the only breadwinner in the household, also doesn't earn that much, just enough for our needs.

 

I'm just really pissed at them for making obviously poor decisions. I'm also pissed at them for believing in religious crap that having more children means having more blessings, and that contraception is wrong, blah blah blah. They can't keep up with meeting all of our needs (they tend to forget even small stuff like freaking socks), they obviously can't give us the good education, good opportunities to learn hobbies and other self-development stuff, nice things, etc. because of their financial situation.

 

My fights with my mom always end in me berating her and my dad for having so many children they can't support properly. She just answers me, "So what do you want to do, kill them?" It's so stupid. I always tell her that because of this, I don't ever want to have kids. It's also so annoying how my dad always complains he works hard to send us money and it never seems to be enough... well, duh, that's what you get for having 5 kids.

Someday you will regret not appreciating your siblings.

And there is no guarantee if they had only one child it would be any different.

You are old enough to have a job to support yourself and to buy your own luxuries.

It may be news to you, but the world doesn't revolve around socks. I know people who didn't grow up with much materially, but they grew up with love, good discipline and other intangibles that are precious. Instead of acting like a spoiled brat to your mom, would it kill you to help out with your siblings?

Your parents can afford an education. its called public school. And if you had good grades, between your financial need and good grades you would have had a scholarship or grant to start you out - you could go to trade school or get a certification to start a reasonable career. I know many people who worked their way through school - had grants to help for the first little bit, then got a job and took classes to get through the rest and are highly successful people.

There are people who would love to have what you have - parents, siblings, etc, but they don't because they are an only child, their parents died or divorced etc.

Also, hobbies are something our parents made us save up to be involved in. They did not pay for us to take horseback riding lessons or anything extra above and beyond what was offered for free at school. We had to babysit, mow lawns, to do that stuff. So stop being so ungrateful. By all intents and purposes, your parents should no longer be supporting you, but they do.

btw, would it hurt you to watch your younger siblings a couple times a week so mom can get a part time job? Oh right, its beneath you

Many children raised in fundamentalist families with beliefs such as this have trouble adjusting to independence. I think the rebellion here is healthy. Those who do believe contraception is against god, and that having as many children as possible 'to do gods work' are also patriarchal and there is a tendency to hide neglect and abuse because of a strong belief in the umbrella of god, husband, wife, kids. It is an authoritarian structure.

Questioning is squashed and discouraged, and all answers are 'god will provide'.

So I had to speak up. Good for you for rebelling against a value system that puts pat belief over reason. Good for you for questioning, and wanting education, and wanting to not simply pop out a bunch of babies yourself.

Many children raised in fundamentalist families with beliefs such as this have trouble adjusting to independence. I think the rebellion here is healthy. Those who do believe contraception is against god, and that having as many children as possible 'to do gods work' are also patriarchal and there is a tendency to hide neglect and abuse because of a strong belief in the umbrella of god, husband, wife, kids. It is an authoritarian structure.

Questioning is squashed and discouraged, and all answers are 'god will provide'.

 

So I had to speak up. Good for you for rebelling against a value system that puts pat belief over reason. Good for you for questioning, and wanting education, and wanting to not simply pop out a bunch of babies yourself.

There is a difference between "wanting as many kids as possible" vs believing in natural family planning to space children. Having 4 kids is a big family nowadays but its not rediculous by any means. I know plenty of people who have done fertility treatments or have used contraceptives and specifically planned to have 4 or 5 or planned for 3 but child number 3 ended up being twins. Just because they don't use the pill doesn't mean these kids were unwanted, unplanned or not spaced out. Its not up to the 21 year old to know all about mom and dad's sex life or to speculate about it.

Looking through the lens of an entitled, selfish 21 year old also muddies things up a lot. The takeaway here is not to judge the parents but to motivate the OP to take some ownership in their life. I thought my parents were awfully misguided myself when I was 17-20 and it was all apart of the push/pull of leaving the nest and coming into my own. Now at my age i don't think things were bad at all. The OP needs to focus on school or having a job or maybe instead of treating their siblings ungratefully actually getting to know them and enjoying them.

I also know people who have just one or two kids and the older kids who are still living at home 18+ HELP OUT by paying some money to their parents to offset the food they eat and bills they create instead of just wanting more and more. I certainly pitched in. Not to the extent where my whole paycheck went to that and i didn't have money for incidentals, but i made dinner once in awhile, bought any special food and pitched in a certain amount every month. If the OP is complaining about mom cutting corners, then they should help while they are using the cable, water, phone, etc

Absolutely, people who are 21 should help or be independent. My son started paying rent at 18 so he can learn about independence.

And at 21 if a child hates what their parents stand for they need to go and make their own life.

Certainly learning independence includes accessing the roles our parent(s) have had in our lives.

I fully agree with OP leaving the family home and living life on her terms. Taking ownership for her self.

There was mention of childhood sexual trauma which she has not had therapy to address. This may be part of her anger.

I don't necessarily agree that she is an entitled selfish 21 year old. She sounds like a confused one, stuck in her familial net. Her family can't give her guidance on independence because the mom isn't. And I can't think of anything more entitled and selfish, honestly, than having a bunch of kids and refusing birth control because you want it, then not providing for them but sitting at home shrugging 'what do you want me to do?' . The other mother isn't taking responsibility for choosing that life for her kids - it's about her.

Whether 5 kids is 'reasonable' as the world stands right now is very debatable. So I don't agree with the sentiment of 'they are just doing the best they can'. No, theymade choices, and of course those choices are allowed to be questioned. It didn't impactonly them, and will continue to impact others for a long time.

HopefullyOP has outside support. And can get herself setup onher own very soon.

There was mention of childhood sexual trauma which she has not had therapy to address. This may be part of her anger.

In a different thread? Because I am not seeing that in the OP.

Her family can't give her guidance on independence because the mom isn't. And I can't think of anything more entitled and selfish, honestly, than having a bunch of kids and refusing birth control because you want it, then not providing for them but sitting at home shrugging 'what do you want me to do?' . The other mother isn't taking responsibility for choosing that life for her kids - it's about her.

She is saying "what do you want me to do?" because her adult daughter that is being supported (even if not the style to which she thinks she is entitled) by her parents is self-admittedly BERATING her for the number of children she chose to have, a decision which cannot be changed short of murder.

Obviously, the OP hasn't given us enough detail for us to know the exact financial situation, but it's fair to assume that this person has regular internet access and a high school education. The things she is complaining about having are "perks," not essentials (plenty of people don't get to go to "good" schools, do hobbies that require money, etc.) The sock thing seems like she is annoyed at her mother for not noticing that people need socks and providing them, not that they can't actually buy socks.

So I don't agree with the sentiment of 'they are just doing the best they can'. No, they made choices, and of course those choices are allowed to be questioned. It didn't impact only them, and will continue to impact others for a long time.

Of course they made choices, and it was entirely their right to make those choices. They decided that having a big family with many children and honoring their religious convictions was more important to them than living an affluent lifestyle. Is that the choice you would make, or the OP? Clearly not, but that's okay because its THEIR choice, not anyone else's. Obviously, if they are actually abusing/neglecting their children, that is different, but nothing said so far supports the idea that the kids aren't receiving basic support - food, clothes, shelter, basic education. This girl's priorities don't align with her family's, which is fine, but she needs to go make her own life instead of whining about the one that has been given to her.

HopefullyOP has outside support. And can get herself setup onher own very soon.

No one is owed a post secondary education by their parents. I have ONE child and he doesn't get an education a la mommy and daddy.

I also think many stay at home mom's can teach things of value not just ones who work. I know one stay at home mom of 6 and her kids are all polite, helpful ,well mannered kids. They are loving and jovial. And some kids I have seen of working moms are obnoxious little shytes. And vice versa. A working mom doesn't always teach independence and greatness because if that's the case all our grandmothers and great-grandmothers were worthless women, right?

Wow! So entitled. Quit whining and get a job, your parents shouldn't still be supporting you. If you're not happy with your lifestyle then make a better one for yourself.

No wonder the OP, Forever, hasn't returned!!

It is not unusual to reach adulthood and have different values than your parents. That's fine. Use that intense reaction of yours as energy to move forward toward the future you want for your self. I don't understand hating other for their choices, but it does seem that in the decade of the 20's there is often blame toward parents. Later, maybe much much later in life, you may gain a different perspective without having to adopt all of their values or life choices. You have survived your childhood, so congratulations for that.