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Why do people change their mind?


DCapus

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Hey all,

 

I just wanted to get some thoughts on my situation.

 

To give a little detail. Last year I broke up with my long term girlfriend (5 years, which is long term for me seeing as I'm 23 and this really shook me up for a while. However, recently I started speaking to and seeing someone who I really really liked. This was the first time since the breakup that I really thought whoaaaa there are actually other girls out there.

 

Anyway we went for our first date on Saturday, and we got on amazingly. Instant chemistry, conversation was great, and we finished the evening with a kiss. I met her again this Wednesday after work, and again it went great. Chemistry, lots of touching, kissing etc. So we agreed to meet up again next week. However this morning, she dropped me a message saying she had a change in mind about us. She said she thought I was great, and that she really had a great time with me (and I believe she was being genuine), but it just wasn't right.

 

Now obviously I'm disappointed as I really liked her. However, I'm not going to chase her to ask why she's had this change in mind (we went on two dates, she doesn't owe me anything). Nor, am I asking for advice on how to change her mind. If she doesn't want to see me anymore then that is her choice, if she ever changes her mind on that then hey positives. It's not for me to decide that for her. However, what I do want to know is why do you think people change their mind like this.

 

Let me know your thoughts, and cheers for the advice.

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It's less usual that people change their mind than that they never really liked you that much in the first place, but just liked the thought of having someone. As in, it's a lot less likely that you said or did something that made her think "I liked him so much but now that I've seen this side of him I don't want to date him".

 

What probably happened was she was only lukewarm about seeing you in the first place (maybe you aren't her type for whatever reason! Not your problem, there are plenty of girls who will like you). She was probably hoping that she'd grow to like you but after she went out with you a couple of times she realised that there wasn't enough of a spark between you two to keep dating. So she "changed her mind" about continuing to date you and decided not to waste either of your time since it's obviously not going anywhere. If you're honest with yourself, you probably feel the same way about her but just wanted to test the waters

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Glitterfingers: I get what you're saying but I really did feel we had chemistry. But then again that's my feelings on the situation, not hers so you could be very right. It's not the end of the world, just a little disappointing as I defo liked her. Still I did feel a spark but this is my first proper dates since breaking up with my ex so maybe I'm wrong.

 

MissCanuck. Tinder (hahahahaha I know). So yeah she would most likely definitely be speaking to other people I get that, and again you could be right.

 

Cheers for the messages, if anyone has other suggestions on why she changed her mind feel free to let me know.

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Glitterfingers: I get what you're saying but I really did feel we had chemistry. But then again that's my feelings on the situation, not hers so you could be very right. It's not the end of the world, just a little disappointing as I defo liked her. Still I did feel a spark but this is my first proper dates since breaking up with my ex so maybe I'm wrong.

 

MissCanuck. Tinder (hahahahaha I know). So yeah she would most likely definitely be speaking to other people I get that, and again you could be right.

 

Cheers for the messages, if anyone has other suggestions on why she changed her mind feel free to let me know.

 

I can nearly guarantee this is what happened.

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This is why I hate online dating... Nobody is serious because they have so many options! Connecting with someone is almost always going to be so much more special and lasting if you meet in person (an event, interest group or through friends).

 

In this situation, the best way to move on is to date someone new... go figure.

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It's really anyone's guess..

I find women are very influenced by their peer group/family so it's possible she mentioned something about you they didn't like and then she decided it was a disqualifing feature.

Or you were misreading her attraction level and assuming she felt the same.

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I can just share why I've changed my mind that early on. Sometimes on reflection I realized that I wasn't that into the person, sometimes I met someone else, and sometimes it was something that happened after - a conversation we had or maybe he seemed really clingy all of a sudden, etc. Also she might have seemed really into you but wasn't. I'm glad you're ok about it.

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On the other hand, I recently went on a date where I'm 99% sure the guy thought things were fantastic. He was so excited when we spoke afterwards. I, on the other hand, wasn't nearly as enthusiastic as he was and it became rather a turn off.

 

It could just be that she's not ready to be dating anyone yet, or that you just liked her a lot more than she liked you. It happens to the best of us.

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I don't think it's that people change their minds per se. They date you, you date them, the two of you each decide if this is something you want to pursue further or not at any given time in the first hours/days/weeks/months of dating.

 

And on those first dates everyone, unless they really are socially inept or sometimes have so many red flags they can't cover them up, is on their best behavior. Just the rush of being on a date, of potential, of talking to someone new is enough to make some people feel and act enthusiastic. Most people very badly want this to be "the one" and to fall in love and not have to date anymore. Or some people just like new experiences. Or some people are just naturally friendly and open and they make everyone feel like they're special. Or some people really do click in the beginning. Or. or. Or. I think it's different things for different people. This is why everyone who meets you for the first time can act like you're both best friends, have so much in common, think alike, blah blah blah. Because socially you are on the same page, which is very different to being emotionally or mentally on the same page.

 

But somewhere alone the way something changes a person's mind as they get deeper into spending time with you. That can be anything and everything under the sun, moon and stars ranging from how someone treated the wait staff to you reminded them too much/not enough of an ex, to nothing in particular just that initial "Gee, this is nice," never went beyond that to the stage of "This is nice with this person, and I want more."

 

And they are very different things. Good first dates, good dates period, do not a relationship beginning or middle or achieved goal make. For that more has to happen that makes both people want to continue to see each other beyond that initial smiling, talking, all looks good phase. In her case you and quite possibly she will never know why she decided she didn't want to go out with you further and it could be a million different things ranging from you laughed at something she did not find funny to her realizing that ouch she's not as over an ex as she thought she was to just nope, no attraction there. Great guy, but not for me to something else instead.

 

My point is dates are supposed to go well. But you're dating to see if you're both compatible and want to see more of each other. Regardless of the reasons, when one of you decides that no they don't then it's done. And that happens a lot. It's the same basic principle behind why we are not close best friends automatically with everyone we meet in a social situation and have a nice conversation or time with. There has to be that added attraction to make two people want to take it to the next step. And that's not something tangible that I can probably voice, having been on both ends of it myself in dating, job interviews, parties, and potential friendships. If the person decides they do not or will not make that added effort then the great time you had with each other is just that, a great time you had with someone who doesn't want more than that.

 

It's disappointing, but it is what it is. However, you now know that you are recovered sufficiently from your ex to potentially enjoy someone else. So keep dating, because you'll meet a lot of people and out of those there will be some who develop into something more be it friendship or beyond.

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Welcome to the real world young grasshopper, dating is more complicated than your naive head thought. And you'll probably go through dozens of the same scenarios with different people before you find a good match.

 

Don't take it personally. Online dating has unlimited options so chances are she just found another option she liked better. The more people you date, the less you'll care to even figure out why because it doesn't matter, just move on to the next.

 

Don't hate the player, hate the game .

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I don't think it has to do with online dating unless the people are dating online. People who are looking for a relationship in real life might see it as a candy store for the first day or so but the focus on finding a relationship will take over quickly so that the candy store thing fades out fast. People who are looking to casually date in real life will treat it just as they would going to a bar or club and looking for someone to date for the fun of it -unlimited options since by definition there's no goal of really getting to know the person deeply or emotionally for the long term. And people who are looking for online only connections in a casual way might always see it as unlimited because chatting online is pretty effortless.

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