My situation, need help and advice

Me and @ have been together for the past 4-5 years and have two beautiful girls together. Well my problem I feel starts off in the beginning. I met @ in high school and @ was and still is a genuine girl and she was everything you looked for in a girl you'd want to date and so it seemed. @ and I started talking and eventually started dating.

During the first 3 months we started

talking, I noticed @ didn't like talking mentioning or talking about her family. I figured they just had a sour relationship. At around that time she also started getting mad at me randomly and getting mood swings. I asked her why she was mad and at time she would break down crying and said she didn't know why.

Once we officially started dating, at around 6 months I asked her a certain "deep" question and she said she didn't like talking about "deep" topics. Most of our experiences together were and have still been messing around and making jokes and laughing. (Btw that's when we were and are on good terms)I love laughing and all that but I want to hear her input on certain things. For example. During the 9th month I would write to her why I love her so much, that I wanted her to be my wife etc.. every single time I sent her paragraphs explaining my love to her she wrote back "I love you". That response is not bad but she would never write anything to me in that way. Never give me any input.

When she was mad about something she wouldn't tell me. When she didn't like me doing something she wouldn't tell me. I would always have to analyze every single situation so I could make my best assumption to know how she was feeling. She also did not trust me because of her insecurities. She would see girls at the store checking me out and would get mad and I would tell her to let them be. She also flirted with guys just to make me jealous because of what other girls would message even tho I wouldn't flirt or message them.

During 9-1 1/2 year I almost broke up with her 3 times because she just couldn't communicate with me and because other problems came. So @ was a virgin before we did anything. @ told me that I made her feel comfortable and didn't rush her like her ex bf. She trusted me and told me she never had felt so much love from someone. She said she was ready but on many occasions she would be jerking me off and I would be touching her and she would push me away and we would stop. (I blame myself for allowing us to continue having intercourse)She would also touch me and get me hard and tease me and end up not doing anything to me. I understand that she's teasing but what comes next is not teasing.

I would finish her off and at times I wouldn't be finished and she would leave me there to dry! This happened so many times! I would even tell her how demeaning it would be to have to go to the restroom and finish myself off because my gf doesn't want to. I told her how bad it felt when she got me hard 6 or 7 times and wouldn't do anything to me and made me feel like a pig for trying to get her to finish me off!! I hated having to hint to her that I wanted to get finished off. If you wanna do it then do it I don't want to "make you" do it. At one occasion I told her "well I guess I'm just gonna go" and she just laughed and brushed it off.. I don't think she had any bad intention but she just didn't care enough what her lack of communication was doing to me.

I eventually confronted her and asked her why she was doing what she doing and she eventually through a period of another year, told me that her step dad did bad things to her. Now I realized why she pushed me away in sex and left me to dry and wouldn't want to talk about "deep" things. Keep in mind that when she told me this we were together for 2 years were living at her step dads house (renting) she made me keep this secret to myself and that was what destroyed me.

I went crazy living in the same house with the man that caused so much pain to the girl I love. She didn't want to go to the cops, she didn't want to do anything about the situation. I told her then she should get therapy and I'd pay for it but she refused it. ...she said couldn't get herself out of that sit but I feel like she never wanted to put the effort that was needed to get out of that sit.

He even made her kiss him in the mouth as a form or saying hi and not even did her real dad greet her like that. Coincidentally her step dad stopped greeting her like that after I complained to her that I didn't like that and I was gonna say something to him. I asked her why he stopped and if she told him to stop and she said no, he just stopped which led me to believe maybe it was consensual. (I hated thinking this could be a possibility)One day we were in the car and whenever @ I gets a phone call @ always puts it on speaker. This time her step dad called and she grabbed the phone while driving and held it to her ear to talk. The conversation sounded suspicious. I could hear him saying "is ___ there" and she said yeah and he said "ok talk to you later" and she looked suspicious. One week she was ok with him the next they weren't talking. It was weird.

So eventually we move out still with all these problems mounting. This was during our 2nd year and at this time I start flirting with girls here and there nothing serious. I would want to go to the clubs with my friends not to hook up with a girl but just to have a conversation with one because I was lacking that at home. I started talking to

Coworkers. I knew more about them

In a week then I knew about my girl since I've been with her.

Having sex with her at this point was not enjoyable anymore. @ is depressed so her sex drive is very low and she's bipolar so in a month she would tease me 20 times and out of those 20 we'd have sex 5 times. So those 5 times I felt like I was rushing it just to get my fix because it's been so long.. it wasn't passionate. I had a hard time keeping it up and I'm 22 rn.

At the 4th year I blew up and told her real dad about what happened to her. I couldn't keep it in anymore. I was going crazy. How could she expect me not to do something about it. She has never treated me the same since then. Fast forward to present day 5 years we still have those same problems now I'm starting to message other girls. She's caught me Several times messaging them.

Before our 2nd year never did I flirt with girls. I still haven't cheated. But now the urge to cheat is growing. Not because I want someone else but because I want to have a deep intimate relationship and she doesn't want to give me that. If she did then say goodbye to anyone else because I still see her as that piece of coal that through time and effort and patience it will into a diamond. I can leave anytime rn for a jade or emerald. Better than a piece a coal right? No because that emerald will never become a Diamond.

Recently she caught me again talking to other girls online and I think she's done with me but I don't want things to be done. I don't want to justify my actions but I just want to make her understand why I'm doing what I'm doing. She says that What should I do? Should I keep trying? We currently live together with our 2 daughters. I work and she stays at home and takes care of our daughters. I just don't want to break up our family. I want them have a chance to see there mom and dad together but I also want to do what's best for the both of us. I love her and I don't want to keep hurting her even if she hurt me.

Please break up wall of text into paragraphs.

You will get more responses

Your piece of coal will never become a diamond because she doesn't want to get help so you are holding on to a fantasy. Dating for potential of who they could be "if only" is never a good idea because typically what you see is what you get. The sexual teasing has been going on since the beginning.

If you don't want your family split then stop messaging other girls. "I couldn't keep it in anymore. I was going crazy. How could she expect me not to do something about it." STOP. If you aren't happy, end the relationship and figure out an effective co-parenting plan.

She is unwilling to get help so you have to decide to either accept her as-is or walk. There is certainly something going on with her, but if she refuses to seek help what can you do?

Has she actually been diagnosed as being bipolar? How old are your kids?