He makes me feel lonely, unloved & used. What changed? I've tried everything.

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years. We are about to have our second child. I first got pregnant in 2015, about a year after we had been together and then six months after our daughter was born.... Surprise! We are expecting our son in July, only a month away. This second pregnancy has been really hard for me, while with the first I barely felt any different- just big. But I feel like when I was pregnant with my daughter I was also a lot happier in my relationship, too. My boyfriend was so sweet to me, so loving and caring and really seemed to pay attention to me throughout the whole thing, was always touching my belly, telling me I'm beautiful & I really felt like he felt that way. This time- it's the complete opposite. He barely ever touches my belly, doesn't talk about the upcoming baby, seems very distant, unloving, and doesn't seem to really notice any of my wants or needs.

I do everything around the house, and work full time and do most of the parenting when it comes to our 1 year old daughter. We both work an 8-5 schedule, so we work exactly the same amount so I feel like there is no excuse for me having to do most of the work, especially since I'm 9 months pregnant!! I am constantly chasing our daughter around, and trying to clean up after BOTH OF THEM... I don't know what I'm going to do. It will be like having 3 children. But anyway, I am hoping this is some kind of phase he is going through, and that things will change when we have our son.

My main concern though isn't all the housework stuff, it's the fact that he seem so uninterested in me. We practically have no relationship. We wake up, say good morning & goodbye, come home, and at least we eat dinner together most of the time, but that's it. After that he just seems like he would rather be doing anything else but spending time with me. He does his thing and I either watch tv or read... its been so lonely for such a long time. I've tried just giving him his space, I've tried talking to him and telling him how utterly lonely and unloved I feel, I've tried to just brush it all off, but nothing seems to help and nothing is changing and I'm really starting to worry that this is a permanent thing, with the way he's acting..... He doesn't even go to bed with me anymore. He stays up and plays his games and I wake up very early so I have to go to bed by 9 or 10. And as for being intimate, that is almost non existent in our relationship and he really doesn't seem to be worried about the fact that we rarely have sex. and when we do it is never enjoyable for me. That's all about him too. I barely want him to kiss me lately, because i feel like it's not genuine. I want to be hopeful, or maybe this is just part of me being pregnant and hormonal? I try to be calm and level-headed.... but when things just don't change, I'm not sure what I can do. I feel like I'm trying so hard for our family and getting nowhere.

Does anyone have any advice?

Welcome to the world of 'real life'....

Sorry this is happening to you. D you have any friends who can babysit one night a week or once in a while?

Becoming parents especially more than one child makes it hard to do the 'dating or relationship" thing. Maybe you can ask him to go to dinner one night, without your daughter and talk about things. Don't accuse, just ask him how he is doing.

Sometimes being parents takes it's toll on the romantic aspect of a relationship.

Let him know that you still value him as a partner and as a dad. You are pregnant and yes, he should be pulling his weight.

Have a discussion with him....and see what his reaction is.

JA0371,

I have had so many talks with him- I can't even count how many. I've tried voicing how I feel in so many different ways...and things change for a week or two, and then go right back to the way they are now. He just doesn't react when I try to have a conversation with him. He's not a very talkative guy as it is, and when i try to have a conversation about our relationship, I tell him how I feel and then the conversation just ends. He just doesn't really reply at all. He says he's sorry I feel that way, but I don't really get any information about how he feels or how we can fix the situation. He's so hard to communicate with. and I have accepted this about him, but sometimes it really gets in the way of solving our problems. I really do feel like I have tried. He is a good dad, and I tell him that every day. He loves our daughter and I can tell. I guess I am just tired of being the one that is always trying the hardest, always giving... yes, we have someone that can babysit every now and then, but like I said, I'm tired of always being the one to initiate spending time together, especially when he doesn't seem to enjoy spending time with me at all. and maybe all I need to do is wait this out, keep doing what I can until things get better. But I am just so sad and lonely right now, and I have been for most of my pregnancy. So this has been on-going for at least 9-10 months. But maybe you are right. maybe i just need to suck it up and try harder.

Tell him you feel you are taking for granted, and that you will no longer do his laundry, and cook for him. Then, stop doing his laundry. Don't cook food for him anymore. The household chores, yes - that ties into him totally taking you for granted.

If you've talked about with him, then you've done your part. Stop enabling his lazy-arse behavior. Give him a list of things he must do, and hold him accountable. Having another kid - GAME CHANGER, and he needs to pitch in - hands down. Respect comes to those who don't let others treat them like doormats.

One kid was easy. I have two!!!!!!!! Holy cow! New level of parenting. Work out the chores thing first.

First of all, you need couples counselling. Also, would he agree to a weekly date night?

Tattoobunnie-

LOL I am so nervous to have this baby! I keep hoping maybe one more won't make a huge difference and it will be easier than I think. (don't get me wrong, I am happy too, i know it will be worth it) but my daughter will only be a year and 4 months old when my son comes along. How far apart in age are yours? And that's funny you say that, last night I told him that if things continue like they have been I am going to quit doing his laundry and I will just do mine and my daughters. A list is a good idea. maybe I can write down and split up the chores so we both think it's fair, the only problem is he really tends to blow them off. I have recently tried asking him to do a lot more instead of just expecting him to pitch in, but sometimes he just doesn't do whatever it is I asked him at all and I can't stand a dirty house so I usually just do it, because it's easier than waiting/trying to get him to do it. And as for not letting him continue his lazy behavior, I don't know what to actually do about it. Maybe just not do anything for a week so he sees exactly how much I really do? I'm not sure. That would be almost painful for me, it makes me feel so stressed when things are dirty! but if it meant him appreciating me a little more, I would do it.

Let his laundry PILE up. Do not give in!!!

Mine are 3.5 years apart, and it is exhausting. They are my pride and joy, but they are EXHAUSTING and can be overwhelming. I also work Full-time, and am the breadwinner, and I'm still nursing the 18 month old. The eldest turned 5 in April. My hubby is a hoarder, but he does all the yard work, electrical work, plumbing, most of the cooking, works full-time, stuff with the kids, and even though he has a pile high of laundry, that's his responsibility. He's not a kid, and I'm not his mom, and hell no am I the maid. I have two kids worth of laundry already to do!

And go easy on yourself, I hate a dirty house, but picking up after them and a man-child, forget it - it's a battle you won't win. You just have to appreciate that at least the kids are happy and fed, and maybe you've gotten a few hours of sleep. And when you tell him to do something, even if it takes weeks, he needs to get into the habit of doing it. And when he does do it, stick with it, and thank him. Don't redo it. Just let him learn to do it.

My hubby is a hoarder (and would be 20x worse if I didn't nag him almost every other day), but hey, keeps the hoard somewhat manageable (sort of). But trust me, if you do all of it by yourself, and don't give him the opportunity to get to it, then you will always be the one doing it. And those video games. Take them someplace (like your mom's), and just leave it there, and that you demand time for yourself too, and if he's bored, he can clean or contribute, and if he can't clean or contribute, make sure you let him have it! No grown man with kids should have time for video games!

Congrats by the way!!!! So exciting!!! They really are best friends for life.

please don't wash a single item of his clothing until he is forced to go to work in a bedsheet.

yes, all of this is entirely wrong. counseling.

eta because i can't help myself: perhaps the child's diaper would fit him better than the bedsheet.

picking up after them and a man-child, forget it

but i'm a beotch because i lost my patience for this stuff years ago.

I should also reiterate - I love my hubby!! But you give them an inch, they will take a mile, or hours of gaming.

Tough love! You have to do it. Or, ya just going to be drowning in things that need to get done, and just growing more resentful.

It sounds awful TiredMama.

"I've tried talking to him and telling him how utterly lonely and unloved I feel, I've tried to just brush it all off, but nothing seems to help and nothing is changing and I'm really starting to worry that this is a permanent thing, with the way he's acting..... He doesn't even go to bed with me anymore. He stays up and plays his games and I wake up very early so I have to go to bed by 9 or 10."

I've been your husband. Again, I think you need couple's counselling. But really, what made me truly change was fear of losing her. Hopefully you don't have to go that far.

well thank you for the advice! and yes- I already have started growing resentful and that's what I want to avoid!

unreasonable-

I want to completely avoid it going that far. I don't want our relationship to end because of some silly things like this. I never threaten to leave or anything, because I don't want our relationship to be that way, I want it to be solid. But I can't deal with this forever. It's mostly the feeling unloved part- yes, him not helping out does make me feel used and unappreciated. But the biggest issue for me is the lack of attention.

and unreasonable-

In reply to your question about if he would agree to 1 date night a week, I think he would, or at least every 2 weeks, and I think that would help.

unreasonable-

I want to completely avoid it going that far. I don't want our relationship to end because of some silly things like this. I never threaten to leave or anything, because I don't want our relationship to be that way, I want it to be solid. But I can't deal with this forever. It's mostly the feeling unloved part- yes, him not helping out does make me feel used and unappreciated. But the biggest issue for me is the lack of attention.

I'm sorry that you are being treated like this. I'd like to just point out here that these aren't silly reasons. They are very valid reasons. And valid reasons to end a relationship. You don't have a relationship right now. You are just a woman taking care of two children, one of whom is old enough to take care of himself. I hate to say make a chores list and have him do his part because a grown man should not need a GD chores list. But maybe if it makes you feel better you can put together a chores list. Maybe you need to go get some "me" time and leave him with your daughter and the house for a weekend and tell him that he needs to step up and be a parent. He's not baby sitting he's BEING A PARENT! On top of that if you've told him how you feel and he hasn't responded or changed then maybe you need to sit him down and tell him what the consequences are of not meeting your needs. And there have to be consequences. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this? Obviously his needs aren't being met either but he's not telling you what he needs and eventually when you have two people who aren't getting their needs met, the whole thing falls apart. It may be that you just need to drop the rope and let him go and move on with your own life and find people and things that will meet your needs.

It's hard, you have one kid and one on the way but being in a miserable life makes for miserable kids. Don't be miserable, don't nag, don't keep taking care of him. Take the steps that YOU need to make YOU happy. And if he wants to be a part of that then he will step up. If he doesn't then he will have made his decision.