Insanely jealous of his ex wife

Hello Everyone

It's been some years since I have posted on here about an ex boyfriend and hoped I would never have to come back (in the nicest possible way) but here I am.

I'll try and keep it brief.... I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months tomorrow. He moved in with me 4 months into our relationship which has had it's huge challenges mainly surrounding the fact he has a 5 year old daughter who stays with us every weekend. Understandably this was a HUGE adjustment for me for obvious reasons and it's been a very rocky road but thankfully having his daughter around lately has finally smoothed out. I have a great relationship with her and I feel like in the last 2 months I have finally found my flow and place with it all. HOWEVER what I still can't deal with is the daily contact my boyfriend has with his ex wife. She started school last September and has been literally ill with a different ailment every other week since so the contact has increased immensely.

Now let me just add that I am under no illusions that their conversations are purely about their daughter's welfare but I still can't get to grips with it and every single conversation or bit of contact he has with her tears me apart especially on the days where we have had a row or not getting on knowing that she has the best of him. My BF hates talking on the phone and will do anything to avoid calling me, yet when I find out he has called the ex for the tiniest detail that he could have text her to ask, it ties me in knots.

I am an extremely jealous person so meeting and falling in love with someone who has his ex wife as a constant present in his life feels like a disaster at times. If I had known that 18 months on I would still feel this rotten about it then I wouldn't have pursued the relationship but now I'm this far in, and she is the only thing we argue about, I just don't want to leave him even though more days than not I feel so down about the situation and wish she didn't exist! She's not a threat to me at all, and he's made it very clear that he left her as was never truly in love with her, didn't find her attractive and they were more like best friends but that still doesn't change the fact he married her and had a baby together, even though she wasn't planned, and because of that they will always have a relationship that I'm an outsider of.

I know this is about my personal insecurities (I am having counselling to address this) and have to either put up or shut up as me 'moaning' at him for something he can't change is making him miserable but I just feel like I'm in a rock and a hard place 100% of the time. I either stay and feel anxious every time I know they've been talking or leave the love of my life. Lose/Lose!!

Has anyone else been in this situation? Did it get better? Can I overcome this?

There's lots more I could say but I'll leave it at that for now............

You've wasted two years of your life.

All you have is four months of lust you confuse with committed love, and now more bills and chores. (Which of course isn't love either.)

Now you avoid that fact, and him, by leaning on a daughter and blaming his ex.

"If I had known..., but now I'm this far in,"

- You're not far in, your just wasting time.

Kick him out. Take some time to study and understand what real love is, and never make the same mistake again.

Errr I think you've made a lot of that detail up Lester. I don't have more bills and chores. My BF pays more than his way and actually does most of the cooking and cleaning so I'm onto a winner there. That really isn't an issue. I've also been with him for 18 months and not 2 years.

When did I say he blamed his ex and leaned on his daughter?

Sorry but your response isn't constructive or at all relevant to anything I have said.

Sorry I must just add that his daughter has been the one that has been ill and started school in September, not his ex wife!!!

EDIT daughter started school last September and has been literally ill with a different ailment every other week since so the contact has increased immensely.

When you start a relationship with someone who's been married before and share a child, especially such a young child, you have to expect that both the child and the ex wife will become part of your life permanently. No, she's not going anywhere, and that is the way it should be. They both need to co-parent, whether you like it or not, this is the reality. I'm not quite sure why you thought otherwise.

The only one that can decide whether you can live with this forever is you. Lots of people, especially the ones who've never been married or had kids, cannot deal with having a partner who has been through all this and needs to be in constant contact with the ex. Lots choose not to, for this exact reason. It's not an easy road. While 18 months is long, it's not long enough to be impossible to undo. You are clearly having trouble coping with what your life will be like for the next 10+ years (if you stay), so you may want to consider ending this and finding a man who doesn't have this "baggage" (and I don't mean baggage as in something bad, just something extra that is there and will be there forever).

And that I completely understand. I'm a 36 year old intelligent women who obviously understands that neither of them are going anywhere and he wants to co-parent which is great.

I could have worded my post better as what I am asking is whether anyone has been in my situation and can say they understand how I feel and maybe offer some advice on how to best deal with my jealousy feelings. I don't want to leave this relationship especially as we are on the same path for what we want for the future in terms of our own children and marriage but I do struggle and want to change this about myself.

Maybe I should post this one a different forum?

My BF hates talking on the phone and will do anything to avoid calling me, yet when I find out he has called the ex for the tiniest detail that he could have text her to ask, it ties me in knots.

This is the key detail.

Your bf is who he is. You want him to attend to you in a different way. You see that he will tend to her a certain way because he has to. She had to leave to get what she needs. You wonder whether you have any power in this relationship. Why it isn't important enough for you to want something, without having to cause him harm/pain/consequences to get it.

My advice is To accept who he is, or don't. Think about whether you would exit. Is this relationship healthy for you? Are you becoming more of your most authentic self? Why? Why not?

Have you met the ex wife, had conversations with her? Perhaps if you got to know her a little you might see for yourself that she is not a threat.

My ex from years ago had an ex girlfriend who was now his best friend. Initially I was insecure, jealous and very cautious about her. But once I met her and I saw their dynamic I absolutely embraced their friendship. I could just see that there was noting romantic there and they were ill suited romantically.

As my original thread said he left her so she didn't leave him to get what she needed as you've said.

Thanks anyway all, I'm not sure I'm being understood here as to what I'm asking for advice on but appreciate your responses.

Hi Charity

A few times yes. I'm very friendly but she's cold so that's difficult as I feel I'm making an effort which is pushed away. As I said she is no threat to me and he has made it vey clear he feels nothing for her but I still feel jealous. It's horrid!

At the risk of asking a silly question....Is she good looking?

At the risk of asking a silly question....Is she good looking?

It sounds nasty to say but no not at all which is why I don't find her a threat. We are complete opposites in every way and BF says I am sooo his type and she was sooo far from his type which makes it difficult to understand why he was with her for 10 years and he knows most people struggle with that fact but he has his reasons for staying but knew it was time to get out as he knew he couldn't be with someone he didn't love or find attractive for the rest of his life.

So what do you think you are actually jealous about?

D you think this is all your problem? Or do you think its your inner feeling not being happy with the relationship in some way?

So what do you think you are actually jealous about?

 

D you think this is all your problem? Or do you think its your inner feeling not being happy with the relationship in some way?

I know it's all my problem. BF can get jealous too but he knows it's his insecurity and that I've done nothing wrong so keep his feelings to himself whereas I explode with them. I guess it's the feeling that he's giving her attention that eats me up. I know it's childish and pathetic and I should 'grow up' as he says but I feel how I feel. I'd give anything to switch the unhelpful, irrational feeling off!

Are they still 'best friends'?

I'd have a problem too with the bf being on the phone all the time with the ex, child or not, and avoiding doing the same for you. Yes, they have to co- parent and communicate. That shouldn't interfere with how he treats you, you should be the priority over the ex.

Him saying 'grow up' isn't very helpful, and I don't know the whole story here, as I feel like you two should be able to talk about issues without it continuing to escalate into arguments.

Is there anything he could reasonably do that would make you comfortable? Is the jealousy because she's in his life at all or the nature of the dynamic he has with her feeling lopsided to you ( that you are essentially sharing your boyfriend with her on the emotional intimacy front)?

Are they still 'best friends'?

 

I'd have a problem too with the bf being on the phone all the time with the ex, child or not, and avoiding doing the same for you. Yes, they have to co

 

Hi Itsallgrand

 

No and haven't been for many years so again that's not an issue. All messages I have read have all been only about their daughter and any phone calls I've been privy to again are to discuss her. I know I don't help the situation as unfortunately however the conversation starts I end up boo'ing and insisting he doesn't understand how I feel to which he just gets frustrated by and then the conversation is over.

 

I don't at all feel I am sharing him with her on any level emotionally, in fact from what he's told me they weren't emotional towards each other when married so certainly won't be 4 years on but I guess I'm jealous they share something that we don't yet and that's hard! They didn't even want children together but when she fell pregnant she decided she wanted to keep the baby as they were getting married a few months after they didn't see why they wouldn't. He left her when their daughter was 18 months old.

 

Anyway as I said most women, would be grateful that the ex wife doesn't interfere or cause trouble for us but I still can't shake the horrid feeling I have about her! It makes me so annoyed that I can't just get over it and accept it's how it is!

I'm going with Lester's original advice.....

I think based on the facts that there is very little to be threatened about. You're living with this man. He's allowing you into his daughters life. So what ..he talks to his ex on the phone? You live with him. Sleep with him ...etc. she gets a phone call. Big whoop. It's normal for exes to still have contact especially when the child is so young. Seeing this woman as a threat is not serving you well. When they talk on the phone just go do something else instead of raging. Does he hide their phone conversations from you? Is he being sneaky? Maybe just ask if everything is ok...you get more bees with honey than with vinegar.

You also have a prime opportunity to bond with his daughter. Don't let her see you as the woman who came between her parents. Ever. She will resent you for it. Take this time to really turn this around in your favor. Trust me...letting go of things you can't control, will make your relationship so much better and easier.

Best in all....

As my original thread said he left her so she didn't leave him to get what she needed as you've said.

 

Thanks anyway all, I'm not sure I'm being understood here as to what I'm asking for advice on but appreciate your responses.

Who left whom is complicated. My exH left me, but I had been done with him well before that. (I had reason to wait.)

The bigger point is that you see him calling her but he won't call you. But you live together. My guess he would rather not interrupt his day because he can talk to you later. You are missing some kind of affirmation, some kund of attention from him - the phone call is how you expressed it but I think it is something deeper.

Maybe its this: the most important person in his life - their daughter - has issues and therefore is top of mind for him. These issues concern him more than anything else. He talks about them with her, and not with you. As a result, he and his ex have and reinforce the bond they share over the most important thing in his life.

Now I see a whole new reason for Woman # 2 wanting kids after Wife #1 is gone... i see it at a deeper emotional level than I did before. ... i digress...

OP, its a phone call that you want and don't get. Why doesn't he call you? Why does he call her? How do you answer these questions in your mind? What does he say when you ask these questions?

I think based on the facts that there is very little to be threatened about. You're living with this man. He's allowing you into his daughters life. So what ..he talks to his ex on the phone? You live with him. Sleep with him ...etc. she gets a phone call. Big whoop. It's normal for exes to still have contact especially when the child is so young. Seeing this woman as a threat is not serving you well. When they talk on the phone just go do something else instead of raging. Does he hide their phone conversations from you? Is he being sneaky? Maybe just ask if everything is ok...you get more bees with honey than with vinegar.

 

You also have a prime opportunity to bond with his daughter. Don't let her see you as the woman who came between her parents. Ever. She will resent you for it. Take this time to really turn this around in your favor. Trust me...letting go of things you can't control, will make your relationship so much better and easier.

 

Best in all....

I want to keep re-iterating that I know this is my issue. Also to clarify his daughter isn't the issue for me. We have bonded beautifully and often she wants to be in my company more than his. Never would she know that I am jealous of her mother and I only ever have positive things to say about her. When she is with us (in my home I'd also like to add) that we are a lovely little family unit now!

I know I need to let go, doing it is the difficult thing. Thanks though.

I probably am making a bigger deal out of the phone call issue. He usually texts her but yesterday was an example where he called her to ask her something that wasn't urgent and in my opinion he would never have called me to ask but to have sent me a message instead. That's where the jealousy lies that on occasions she gets the best of him. I'll continue my counselling in the hope it improves things for me.

I think I have my answers from you all thanks. I guess I was looking for some reassurance that I wasn't the only woman on the planet to feel like this and some sympathy for my situation as taking on someone else's child is bloody hard for not much reward most of the time. As I said before I'm possibly posting in the wrong forum if that's what I'm seeking.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond though.

The fact that he has a lifelong bond with this woman ...because of his daughter is the root of the issue. Not the daughter herself. He is sharing something with her that you don't have with him.....however, one day that may change. If you have a child together then you too will get it.

On a positive note...at least you are aware of your issue and are trying to fix it. That in itself is progress...

In my opinion, the only legitimate reason to regularly contact an ex is if a kid is involved. I really can't say whether his contact is excessive or not, maybe it is, but this sounds more like you than him. I believe jealously has a purpose, but you've let it consume your life. If you can't deal, you can't deal, and if you can't, leave. Good for you for going to a therapist, but I don't know if that is going to be sufficient, nobody here can really legitimately say if you're going to overcome this, because they're not you. Yes, I absolutely think some people have overcome similar situations, but frankly that doesn't amount to a hill of beans.

Would it be better if he didn't do this around you, and never brought it up?

The fact that he has a lifelong bond with this woman ...because of his daughter is the root of the issue. Not the daughter herself. He is sharing something with her that you don't have with him.....however, one day that may change. If you have a child together then you too will get it.

 

On a positive note...at least you are aware of your issue and are trying to fix it. That in itself is progress...

That's exactly it JA0371!!