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Thread: Insanely jealous of his ex wife

  1. #1
    gemsyv
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    Insanely jealous of his ex wife

    Hello Everyone

    It's been some years since I have posted on here about an ex boyfriend and hoped I would never have to come back (in the nicest possible way) but here I am.

    I'll try and keep it brief.... I have been with my boyfriend for 18 months tomorrow. He moved in with me 4 months into our relationship which has had it's huge challenges mainly surrounding the fact he has a 5 year old daughter who stays with us every weekend. Understandably this was a HUGE adjustment for me for obvious reasons and it's been a very rocky road but thankfully having his daughter around lately has finally smoothed out. I have a great relationship with her and I feel like in the last 2 months I have finally found my flow and place with it all. HOWEVER what I still can't deal with is the daily contact my boyfriend has with his ex wife. She started school last September and has been literally ill with a different ailment every other week since so the contact has increased immensely.

    Now let me just add that I am under no illusions that their conversations are purely about their daughter's welfare but I still can't get to grips with it and every single conversation or bit of contact he has with her tears me apart especially on the days where we have had a row or not getting on knowing that she has the best of him. My BF hates talking on the phone and will do anything to avoid calling me, yet when I find out he has called the ex for the tiniest detail that he could have text her to ask, it ties me in knots.

    I am an extremely jealous person so meeting and falling in love with someone who has his ex wife as a constant present in his life feels like a disaster at times. If I had known that 18 months on I would still feel this rotten about it then I wouldn't have pursued the relationship but now I'm this far in, and she is the only thing we argue about, I just don't want to leave him even though more days than not I feel so down about the situation and wish she didn't exist! She's not a threat to me at all, and he's made it very clear that he left her as was never truly in love with her, didn't find her attractive and they were more like best friends but that still doesn't change the fact he married her and had a baby together, even though she wasn't planned, and because of that they will always have a relationship that I'm an outsider of.

    I know this is about my personal insecurities (I am having counselling to address this) and have to either put up or shut up as me 'moaning' at him for something he can't change is making him miserable but I just feel like I'm in a rock and a hard place 100% of the time. I either stay and feel anxious every time I know they've been talking or leave the love of my life. Lose/Lose!!

    Has anyone else been in this situation? Did it get better? Can I overcome this?

    There's lots more I could say but I'll leave it at that for now............

  2. #2
    Lester
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    You've wasted two years of your life.

    All you have is four months of lust you confuse with committed love, and now more bills and chores. (Which of course isn't love either.)
    Now you avoid that fact, and him, by leaning on a daughter and blaming his ex.

    "If I had known..., but now I'm this far in,"
    - You're not far in, your just wasting time.

    Kick him out. Take some time to study and understand what real love is, and never make the same mistake again.

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  4. #3
    gemsyv
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    Errr I think you've made a lot of that detail up Lester. I don't have more bills and chores. My BF pays more than his way and actually does most of the cooking and cleaning so I'm onto a winner there. That really isn't an issue. I've also been with him for 18 months and not 2 years.

    When did I say he blamed his ex and leaned on his daughter?

    Sorry but your response isn't constructive or at all relevant to anything I have said.

  5. #4
    gemsyv
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    Sorry I must just add that his daughter has been the one that has been ill and started school in September, not his ex wife!!!

  6. #5
    gemsyv
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    EDIT:....His daughter started school last September and has been literally ill with a different ailment every other week since so the contact has increased immensely.

  7. #6
    greta96
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    When you start a relationship with someone who's been married before and share a child, especially such a young child, you have to expect that both the child and the ex wife will become part of your life permanently. No, she's not going anywhere, and that is the way it should be. They both need to co-parent, whether you like it or not, this is the reality. I'm not quite sure why you thought otherwise.

    The only one that can decide whether you can live with this forever is you. Lots of people, especially the ones who've never been married or had kids, cannot deal with having a partner who has been through all this and needs to be in constant contact with the ex. Lots choose not to, for this exact reason. It's not an easy road. While 18 months is long, it's not long enough to be impossible to undo. You are clearly having trouble coping with what your life will be like for the next 10+ years (if you stay), so you may want to consider ending this and finding a man who doesn't have this "baggage" (and I don't mean baggage as in something bad, just something extra that is there and will be there forever).

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  9. #7
    gemsyv
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    And that I completely understand. I'm a 36 year old intelligent women who obviously understands that neither of them are going anywhere and he wants to co-parent which is great.

    I could have worded my post better as what I am asking is whether anyone has been in my situation and can say they understand how I feel and maybe offer some advice on how to best deal with my jealousy feelings. I don't want to leave this relationship especially as we are on the same path for what we want for the future in terms of our own children and marriage but I do struggle and want to change this about myself.

    Maybe I should post this one a different forum?

  10. #8
    IAmFCA
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    My BF hates talking on the phone and will do anything to avoid calling me, yet when I find out he has called the ex for the tiniest detail that he could have text her to ask, it ties me in knots.
    This is the key detail.

    Your bf is who he is. You want him to attend to you in a different way. You see that he will tend to her a certain way because he has to. She had to leave to get what she needs. You wonder whether you have any power in this relationship. Why it isn't important enough for you to want something, without having to cause him harm/pain/consequences to get it.

    My advice is To accept who he is, or don't. Think about whether you would exit. Is this relationship healthy for you? Are you becoming more of your most authentic self? Why? Why not?

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    charity
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    Have you met the ex wife, had conversations with her? Perhaps if you got to know her a little you might see for yourself that she is not a threat.

    My ex from years ago had an ex girlfriend who was now his best friend. Initially I was insecure, jealous and very cautious about her. But once I met her and I saw their dynamic I absolutely embraced their friendship. I could just see that there was noting romantic there and they were ill suited romantically.

  13. #10
    gemsyv
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    As my original thread said he left her so she didn't leave him to get what she needed as you've said.

    Thanks anyway all, I'm not sure I'm being understood here as to what I'm asking for advice on but appreciate your responses.

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