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Girlfriend won't accept my Instagram Follow Request?


ASmash

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My girlfriend of 8 months does not want to accept my follow request on Instagram. I asked her about a month ago, but her phone met its fate during a Gatorade incident. She has since gotten a new phone for the past week when I noticed that her Instagram profile had been updated even though her account is set to private. I asked her again if she would accept my request and I heard excuses from "I'm not sure if it works" to "I don't want to start adding all your friends" and then "I don't want to see your pictures because I'll start wondering about who or what was going on." After some bickering, she insisted I read an article on Dailydot which essentially has a psychotherapist recommend couples unfriend their partners. When I said I don't agree and just can understand why someone would go out of their way to keep their instagram private from someone important, she responded that I'm just trying to play games. She said "you want me to see your instagram, you want to make me jealous, you want drama." She was upset at this point. I just don't see how we can be playing games when my cars are all out on the table but she's hiding her hand.

 

I recognize that social media can spring up doubts especially when there is no context to what is posted. But I think couples should just be direct and ask their SO about it. This is why I think that there shouldn't be anything to hide. I've removed my ex-girlfriends from my social media accounts. I do have a good amount of friends, male and female. If anything, I think Instagram is just bringing light to some insecurities she has. I've been open about my past, but I can see she struggles with opening up about hers. Her accounts of her past are very generalized. We are both in our mid-30s, so I understand we have a past but I'm not afraid of coming across a picture I may want to question or feel jealous about. I would just ask her about it and address it. She can do the same with me.

 

If she doesn't want to look at my profile, she doesn't have to look. I think that it really is that simple. But I feel like if she maintains an Instagram account sharing pictures and adding followers, why can't she share that part of her life with her boyfriend of 8 months. Why not just accept my follow request? We're exclusive and committed to each other, but something as pedestrian as a request like this makes me wonder what am I missing here?

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Why not just accept my follow request? We're exclusive and committed to each other, but something as pedestrian as a request like this makes me wonder what am I missing here?

 

I don't think you're missing anything here. She answered your question:

 

After some bickering, she insisted I read an article on Dailydot which essentially has a psychotherapist recommend couples unfriend their partners...

 

She doesn't want the drama that social media can sometimes bring to relationships. It's understandable. If you feel it symbolizes some character flaws in her, then I'd recommend finding a more compatible girlfriend that will add you to all her social media accounts.

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I don't understand what kind of drama I could she be concerned about? If there's something on her profile that would cause drama, why not talk to me about it? If there's something to hide on a social media page, why not disclose it to your SO. If it was a private journal, I can understand that. But Instagram on the internet, what kind of privacy expectations does she have?

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It's likely one of several things. One, she's had a boyfriend or love interest in the past who followed other girls on social media, made comments, stirred up feelings of jealousy and upset in her and now she just wants to avoid the whole damned thing = which is a very distinct possibility. From what she has told you, I'm leaning towards that as the reason. Two, your own actions in some way make her wary about having you on her social media. I have no idea if that's true, so take my speculation for what it is - just speculation. Only you will be able to look at your own actions and then honestly tell yourself if something you've done or said might make her not want you on her social media for whatever reason. Also your friends, because she said something about your friends and that makes me suspect just a wee tad that there might be a problem with one or more people in your social circle. Again, that's just speculation. Three - she has something she's hiding on her Instagram account and she doesn't want you on there, which kind of makes very little sense to me since obviously you know she has an Instagram account. And the whole thing is over that and not say her Facebook account. Or four, it is something else entirely altogether.

 

Only you can really know what the answer truly is, but from her responses I'd say it's either one or two. And I don't blame her a bit, because the crap I see on this forum and in other places over things like "My boyfriend likes bikini pics of strange girls or the nude his female friend posted a pic of" or "my girlfriend had a meltdown over some girl posting "Hey cutie" to my account" is way more common than you would think. Enough so that no I and my husband don't really do social media much anyways. We're not on each other's accounts, but we can see them as there's nothing to hide or we'll sometimes show the other one a funny joke or nice pic someone has posted. We don't really center our lives around social media.

 

Whatever her reasons though if she says no you should respect that. If it's something you can't handle or don't like, and really I can't blame you either for that, then you have the option of just ending the relationship. Maybe try changing the tactic of add me to explaining why you'd like to share in that venue and see her work and how not being included makes you feel - in a mature fashion. And it might get you a whole lot further.

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I've been in the same situation, the guy I was exclusively seeing wouldn't except my follow request fo whatever reason. He came up with bull excuses when I asked him about it. I'm no longer seeing him and I think it's a red flag. Turns out he didn't want to share parts of his life with me.

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"I recognize that social media can spring up doubts especially when there is no context to what is posted. But I think couples should just be direct and ask their SO about it. This is why I think that there shouldn't be anything to hide."

 

This is a tough call, really, because the relationship kind of hangs in the balance due to another "silly" (as many people would consider this) social media situation. But it's really not silly because of the principle involved. She sounds a bit like a b-word, and she sounds like she's not willing to compromise. I wonder how she'd react if you said, "I have to tell you that it really bothers me that you're hiding your Instagram from me like you would a diary." If her reaction were a very negative one, I'd have an awfully hard time staying with her.

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Your reasoning is sound. You should not tolerate her insecurity.

 

The true test is how much conviction do you have to your position? Insecurity is a huge issue that will end your relationship if you let it fester. So continue to confront it, even if it means putting the ultimatum of ending the relationship on the table, i.e., tell her to add you and continue to be upfront with you about her insecurities or you'll walk. This issue is that important.

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If your SO asked to connect on social media, did you deny the request? I think that's the part that concerns me.

 

We believe in having parts of our lives that belong to us, that we are still separate individuals despite being married . We still have a right to privacy . But we are also from an era long before social media. I was 20 years old in the 80's so social media doesn't hold the same fascination for us . But I think the basic thing is we still believe in the privacy of the individual even in a committed relationship or marriage .

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What lies at the core of this is an issue of trust. OP is being made to feel he can't trust her by actions and she isn't doing much but throwing excuses.

 

She can say no. My ex gf did the same thing. So i just left her alone about it. Now we are ex's doesn't matter at all.

 

If it is a deal breaker move on. If not then let it go.

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To me, it would be a piece of the puzzle. I would base it off how other things are going on in your relationship, is anything else a little off.

if things are fine then I would let it go IMO, if there are situations where you question here, then yeah it probably would not sit well with me..

 

but if any of the above that I just said is a little off, you have bigger issues then just social media.

 

I also did not like her response about her and her jealousy. Why cant she accept your follow , and she not add you back if she is worried about being jealous. Its not like FB

 

idk ive never been in a situation like this before with social media. Most of my exes barely posted stuff .(THANKGOD)

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We believe in having parts of our lives that belong to us, that we are still separate individuals despite being married . We still have a right to privacy . But we are also from an era long before social media. I was 20 years old in the 80's so social media doesn't hold the same fascination for us . But I think the basic thing is we still believe in the privacy of the individual even in a committed relationship or marriage .

 

It's a different game for the younger crowd.

 

Instagram is a MAJOR flirtation/attention device for them. Your relationship already has the trust/sanctity of marriage backing it - which is what is missing from the OP's scenario.

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It's a different game for the younger crowd.

 

Instagram is a MAJOR flirtation/attention device for them. Your relationship already has the trust/sanctity of marriage backing it - which is what is missing from the OP's scenario.

I get that. I still don't think people are owed every piece of a person.

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I get that. I still don't think people are owed every piece of a person.

 

You can share your social media with your significant other and not "owe every piece" to that other person.

 

Plus married people cheat too and people were cheating long before social media.

 

Incidences of cheating are on the rise with the boom of social media because people have more access to the opposite sex than they did in the 80's and 90's. I'm not clear on what would go on someone's social media that isn't implicitly already a part of a couple's relationship. Few things come to mind and they're NOT good.

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You can share your social media with your significant other and not "owe every piece" to that other person.

 

 

 

Incidences of cheating are on the rise with the boom of social media because people have more access to the opposite sex than they did in the 80's and 90's. I'm not clear on what would go on someone's social media that isn't implicitly already a part of a couple's relationship. Few things come to mind and they're NOT good.

 

Well, I am sure my husband does not care about talks about make up,jewelry and other female stuff. My bffs are also not his bffs. Just to name a few.

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Social media nowadays is part of our lives, whether we like it or not. If this girl is not willing to have him on her instagram then clearly she wants to hide a certain part of her life from him. RED flag! Not an open and honest relationship.

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Well, I am sure my husband does not care about talks about make up,jewelry and other female stuff. My bffs are also not his bffs. Just to name a few.

 

So then are you implying the only people on your Insta are your girlfriends? If not, then that's where the grey area begins.

 

I'm as independent as they come, but I find it odd to separate ones social media from their spouse, partner, and/or loved one. Sure, you need your own space - but that's what hobbies are for. Albeit I was always under the impression that marriage meant sharing all of your life with someone.

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So then are you implying the only people on your Insta are your girlfriends? If not, then that's where the grey area begins.

 

I'm as independent as they come, but I find it odd to separate ones social media from their spouse, partner, and/or loved one. Sure, you need your own space - but that's what hobbies are for. Albeit I was always under the impression that marriage meant sharing all of your life with someone.

No, I have gfs in person too. But he does not know all my friends,no. I was raised on the other side of the country from him for 20 years of my life before meeting him. So he doesn't personally know all my friends. I personally don't know all of his and I don't need to . I don't need social media surveillance to know he loves me and is loyal. We live our lives with each other in person.

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No, I have gfs in person too. But he does not know all my friends,no. I was raised on the other side of the country from him for 20 years of my life before meeting him. So he doesn't personally know all my friends. I personally don't know all of his and I don't need to . I don't need social media surveillance to know he loves me and is loyal. We live our lives with each other in person.

 

The two of you are rare birds. That level of trust was properly nurtured - unlike what the OP is experiencing.

 

Btw, the comment about the girlfriends was to illustrate whether or not your Instagram also had a male following. If other men are on there, but not someone's husband - then it's easy to see why that would raise alarms for some people.

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The two of you are rare birds. That level of trust was properly nurtured - unlike what the OP is experiencing.

 

Btw, the comment about the girlfriends was to illustrate whether or not your Instagram also had a male following. If other men are on there, but not someone's husband - then it's easy to see why that would raise alarms for some people.

 

I think I have one male person on my FB as a result of networking on social media about son's condition ( and other people's kids too). Basically my social media is about networking and awareness of my son's condition or keeping lines open to decades long friendship or work friendships. ( I work with all women ) Other than that all pretty boring .

 

My husband did have quite a few women on his Facebook when he had Facebook who were work friends or aquaintances. That does not bother me at all .

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The two of you are rare birds. That level of trust was properly nurtured - unlike what the OP is experiencing.

 

Btw, the comment about the girlfriends was to illustrate whether or not your Instagram also had a male following. If other men are on there, but not someone's husband - then it's easy to see why that would raise alarms for some people.

I completely agree with this! I don't understand at all why a spouse would block their spouse but accept/follow people of the same gender as their spouse? To me this is a major red flag.

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just an update, I had a follow up conversation with my girlfriend last night after reading some of the replies. She explained that she did not want to accept my following request because she will want to start looking at my instagram and she knows I have pictures going back 5 years. Some of those pictures include female friends and she feels pictures of me with those female friends are disrespectful. She asked me how would you like it if I had pictures of different guys holding me, grabbing me, holding hands, etc.

 

I tried to explain to her that those females are just friends and I have removed all my ex-girlfriends from my social media accounts. The pictures I have with female friends are always side-by-side. The only pics of me holding a female would be me hugging a family member. I don't have any pictures grabbing, holding handings, or anything romantic. Just one-armed side-hug platonic poses in a few pictures. That's about it. She has mentioned she wants to avoid asking about the context and who they are. She says the pictures are disrespectful and she's not insecure or jealous, but the night before she said I was trying to make is a her see my Instagram to make her jealous. I think it is a trust issue.

 

I try to understand that she probably doesn't want me to know about any crushes, guys she's dated, etc. that are evidenced in her profile. But I feel like it dumb to pretend that there are guys in her past. Attractive women will inevitably get hit on by men (or women), and I can't control that. I just trust my SO and when I feel insecure or jealous, I've learned its best to just talk address it.

 

I think that the Instagram dispute relates to an ongoing issue of we have about whether guys can have female friends. I am someone who use to be in sales, now I'm a lawyer very involved with professional networking activities, I was always part of student government in college and law school, I volunteer for alumni associations events; I make a lot of male and female being very involved. She once got mad that I caught up with a college friend who is also a lawyer over dinner at a burger shack on a friday night because she felt it was a date. I told her about it before hand and my gf was working that night. It was strictly platonic and she was giving me tips on a trial I was planning for.

 

My gf is on the opposite spectrum and has a difficult time trusting guys. She has an ex-boyfriend that started see a female friend that she didn't like after they broke up. She's a nurse and she has lots of anecdotal stories of coworkers husbands who took of advantage or cheated on her colleagues. Her mom is still married but very emotionally distant to her father. I think she generally doesn't trust men and therefore struggles to trust me.

 

At this point, I don't care so much about following her on Instagram anymore. I still think transparency is pretty important and think that she shouldn't have a problem accepting my follow request. She won't admit it, but I think we have a trust/jealousy/insecurity matter we need to figure out. I've been cheated on but felt the biggest lesson I learned was that trust is essential because I went through a couple relationships where my insecurities caused problems in past relationships.

 

Anyway, I think we need to figure out a way to address the insecurity (therapy?) or break up. I really don't want to do the latter but I don't know if we have many other options at this point.

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