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Thread: Girlfriend won't accept my Instagram Follow Request?

  1. #1
    ASmash
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    Girlfriend won't accept my Instagram Follow Request?

    My girlfriend of 8 months does not want to accept my follow request on Instagram. I asked her about a month ago, but her phone met its fate during a Gatorade incident. She has since gotten a new phone for the past week when I noticed that her Instagram profile had been updated even though her account is set to private. I asked her again if she would accept my request and I heard excuses from "I'm not sure if it works" to "I don't want to start adding all your friends" and then "I don't want to see your pictures because I'll start wondering about who or what was going on." After some bickering, she insisted I read an article on Dailydot which essentially has a psychotherapist recommend couples unfriend their partners. When I said I don't agree and just can understand why someone would go out of their way to keep their instagram private from someone important, she responded that I'm just trying to play games. She said "you want me to see your instagram, you want to make me jealous, you want drama." She was upset at this point. I just don't see how we can be playing games when my cars are all out on the table but she's hiding her hand.

    I recognize that social media can spring up doubts especially when there is no context to what is posted. But I think couples should just be direct and ask their SO about it. This is why I think that there shouldn't be anything to hide. I've removed my ex-girlfriends from my social media accounts. I do have a good amount of friends, male and female. If anything, I think Instagram is just bringing light to some insecurities she has. I've been open about my past, but I can see she struggles with opening up about hers. Her accounts of her past are very generalized. We are both in our mid-30s, so I understand we have a past but I'm not afraid of coming across a picture I may want to question or feel jealous about. I would just ask her about it and address it. She can do the same with me.

    If she doesn't want to look at my profile, she doesn't have to look. I think that it really is that simple. But I feel like if she maintains an Instagram account sharing pictures and adding followers, why can't she share that part of her life with her boyfriend of 8 months. Why not just accept my follow request? We're exclusive and committed to each other, but something as pedestrian as a request like this makes me wonder what am I missing here?

  2. #2
    ballerinababe
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    Quote Originally Posted by ASmash [Register to see the link]
    Why not just accept my follow request? We're exclusive and committed to each other, but something as pedestrian as a request like this makes me wonder what am I missing here?
    I don't think you're missing anything here. She answered your question:

    Quote Originally Posted by ASmash [Register to see the link]
    After some bickering, she insisted I read an article on Dailydot which essentially has a psychotherapist recommend couples unfriend their partners...
    She doesn't want the drama that social media can sometimes bring to relationships. It's understandable. If you feel it symbolizes some character flaws in her, then I'd recommend finding a more compatible girlfriend that will add you to all her social media accounts.

  3. #3
    ASmash
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    I don't understand what kind of drama I could she be concerned about? If there's something on her profile that would cause drama, why not talk to me about it? If there's something to hide on a social media page, why not disclose it to your SO. If it was a private journal, I can understand that. But Instagram on the internet, what kind of privacy expectations does she have?

  4. #4
    Quirkster
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    That is a massive warning sign.

    Personally I wouldn't tolerate it. Mature adults can share their social media and not have it turn into a jealousy-fest. What doesn't she understand about that?

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  6. #5
    ParisPaulette
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    It's likely one of several things. One, she's had a boyfriend or love interest in the past who followed other girls on social media, made comments, stirred up feelings of jealousy and upset in her and now she just wants to avoid the whole damned thing = which is a very distinct possibility. From what she has told you, I'm leaning towards that as the reason. Two, your own actions in some way make her wary about having you on her social media. I have no idea if that's true, so take my speculation for what it is - just speculation. Only you will be able to look at your own actions and then honestly tell yourself if something you've done or said might make her not want you on her social media for whatever reason. Also your friends, because she said something about your friends and that makes me suspect just a wee tad that there might be a problem with one or more people in your social circle. Again, that's just speculation. Three - she has something she's hiding on her Instagram account and she doesn't want you on there, which kind of makes very little sense to me since obviously you know she has an Instagram account. And the whole thing is over that and not say her Facebook account. Or four, it is something else entirely altogether.

    Only you can really know what the answer truly is, but from her responses I'd say it's either one or two. And I don't blame her a bit, because the crap I see on this forum and in other places over things like "My boyfriend likes bikini pics of strange girls or the nude his female friend posted a pic of" or "my girlfriend had a meltdown over some girl posting "Hey cutie" to my account" is way more common than you would think. Enough so that no I and my husband don't really do social media much anyways. We're not on each other's accounts, but we can see them as there's nothing to hide or we'll sometimes show the other one a funny joke or nice pic someone has posted. We don't really center our lives around social media.

    Whatever her reasons though if she says no you should respect that. If it's something you can't handle or don't like, and really I can't blame you either for that, then you have the option of just ending the relationship. Maybe try changing the tactic of add me to explaining why you'd like to share in that venue and see her work and how not being included makes you feel - in a mature fashion. And it might get you a whole lot further.

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  8. #6
    ~Seraphim ~
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    My husband and I did not have each other on social media for 10 years, no biggie.

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  10. #7
    s0fly
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    I've been in the same situation, the guy I was exclusively seeing wouldn't except my follow request fo whatever reason. He came up with bull excuses when I asked him about it. I'm no longer seeing him and I think it's a red flag. Turns out he didn't want to share parts of his life with me.

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  12. #8
    ASmash
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    Quote Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~ [Register to see the link]
    My husband and I did not have each other on social media for 10 years, no biggie.
    If your SO asked to connect on social media, did you deny the request? I think that's the part that concerns me.

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    nsolo
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    "I recognize that social media can spring up doubts especially when there is no context to what is posted. But I think couples should just be direct and ask their SO about it. This is why I think that there shouldn't be anything to hide."

    This is a tough call, really, because the relationship kind of hangs in the balance due to another "silly" (as many people would consider this) social media situation. But it's really not silly because of the principle involved. She sounds a bit like a b-word, and she sounds like she's not willing to compromise. I wonder how she'd react if you said, "I have to tell you that it really bothers me that you're hiding your Instagram from me like you would a diary." If her reaction were a very negative one, I'd have an awfully hard time staying with her.

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  16. #10
    Careerchoice
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    Your reasoning is sound. You should not tolerate her insecurity.

    The true test is how much conviction do you have to your position? Insecurity is a huge issue that will end your relationship if you let it fester. So continue to confront it, even if it means putting the ultimatum of ending the relationship on the table, i.e., tell her to add you and continue to be upfront with you about her insecurities or you'll walk. This issue is that important.

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