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Not sure how to deal with my girlfriend's cousin


oscuro

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I currently live in a small living situation with my girlfriend and mother. I'm the primary breadwinner out of us three and invited my mother because she was about to be homeless. We are working with my mother to help her find a home.

 

Needless to say that's stressful as it is so that's the context. My girlfriend invited her cousin to stay with us for the summer. Putting aside WHY my girlfriend did this and why agreed to allow that, her cousin is now here for the summer. Here are my concerns:

 

Her cousin is extremely shy. She often will not make eye contact. She will often look away and mumble or not say anything at all. When she first got to our apartment and was shown her space and her bed she appeared very sad to me. Everyone in this small apartment is getting the same response. So my girlfriend and I are concerned that she may be unhappy about the situation. One of the goals of this cousin is to basically move to and live in our city permanently. So her staying here for the summer is her attempt to do that--she wants to find a job and apartment. I decided on giving her only three months to figure this out.

 

Anyway, what can be done to help a person who is either VERY, VERY shy or is very unhappy and unwilling to talk? Suggestions on how to help a person like this feel comfortable?

 

Forgot to mention, she's 25 years old.

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I don't envy you, Oscuro.

 

So,

 

So her staying here for the summer is her attempt to do that--she wants to find a job and apartment. I decided on giving her only three months to figure this out.

 

And this doesn't sound too hopeful if she has to go for a job interview!!

 

" She often will not make eye contact. She will often look away and mumble or not say anything at all. "

 

 

 

 

Not likely to impress an interviewer. Why is she like this at age 25. Does she perhaps have some psychological problems?

I think no matter what you do and you all seem to be doing more than enough, you will not reach the core of her problems.

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I don't envy you, Oscuro.

 

So,

 

So her staying here for the summer is her attempt to do that--she wants to find a job and apartment. I decided on giving her only three months to figure this out.

 

And this doesn't sound too hopeful if she has to go for a job interview!!

 

" She often will not make eye contact. She will often look away and mumble or not say anything at all. "

 

 

 

 

Not likely to impress an interviewer. Why is she like this at age 25. Does she perhaps have some psychological problems?

I think no matter what you do and you all seem to be doing more than enough, you will not reach the core of her problems.

 

Well, luckily she had a job in her hometown and transferred to our city. So she is working part time currently. When I agreed to the conditions of three months it primarily due to the fact that we have little room and also because it seemed likely she could find a job. She also had an interview lined up for a new job... but that fell through.

 

However based on current conditions I guess you're right. Three months may be too short but if it is she should not have agreed to it. We're basically doing her a favor. If my mother was not here I would be more flexible.

 

Regarding her shyness, I've seen her talk a bit more when she needs to--to other people. I just don't know how or when she decides to talk. No idea. It's possible she'll do fine in some interviews.

 

Thanks for your response.

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IMO three months is more than generous. So she does have work, so the next item is for her to find her own place, even if shared accommodation with someone else.

 

She is 25, an adult woman and it is time she stood on her own two feet. Do encourage her to line up more interviews and get a job.

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IMO three months is more than generous. So she does have work, so the next item is for her to find her own place, even if shared accommodation with someone else.

 

She is 25, an adult woman and it is time she stood on her own two feet. Do encourage her to line up more interviews and get a job.

 

Do you think dealing with her shyness is a lost cause? Like maybe there's no reason to try to "solve" it? I bring up her shyness because I want the living situation to be comfortable for all of us and we get the sense she is sad and it's awkward just ignoring her (since she barely interacts). I'd like to figure out how to make her feel happy if at all possible.

 

I think three months is generous but not necessarily enough time for some people. I could figure out a way to live in a major city in three months. She may not be able to but I guess that's not our responsibility.

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Oscuro.

 

It isn't YOUR job to be her therapist. You are so into the "fixer" syndrome, and you are like a small-scale charitable organisation/refuge (I am referring to your threads of last year). Your mother has a mental illness, your GF/partner is (if I recall) depressed, and now you have taken in this "shy" cousin. Why the saviour complex, O?

 

You say:

 

"I'd like to figure out how to make her feel happy if at all possible."

When do you ever think of yourself, Oscuro?!!

 

You are the breadwinner, and on top of that you have this challenging situation within the confines of a very small apartment.

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Oscuro.

 

It isn't YOUR job to be her therapist. You are so into the "fixer" syndrome, and you are like a small-scale charitable organisation/refuge (I am referring to your threads of last year). Your mother has a mental illness, your GF/partner is (if I recall) depressed, and now you have taken in this "shy" cousin. Why the saviour complex, O?

 

You say:

 

"I'd like to figure out how to make her feel happy if at all possible."

When do you ever think of yourself, Oscuro?!!

 

You are the breadwinner, and on top of that you have this challenging situation within the confines of a very small apartment.

 

I suppose you have a good point. I'd like to think I don't have a "savior complex". Fix syndrome, yes. I may have that. Why? For my girlfriend I just sympathized with the depression she was struggling with but also presumed she was coping with issues that were more minor than they turned out to be...

 

For my mother, I didn't want her to be homeless and I suspected it would be harder to help her if the situation got worse. Within two years she moved 5/6 times. This cousin... my girlfriend really pushed for this and in return my gf got me a 6 month office lease so I can work there (I normally work from home). So I grudgingly agreed. So I just want this cousin to feel "okay" so that the living situation is comfortable for a few months.

 

However yes, I am likely inclined to try to fix things and I am willing to figure out how to stop. I suppose... me not worrying about this cousin is a first step in a process of trying to not fix everything? I guess I will just need to allow myself to not try to "fix" something that isn't my responsibility? Okay. I will try that.

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When do you ever think of yourself, Oscuro?!![/i]

 

I appreciate the directness of your response here... That's a really big thing for me to think about. Um, thanks. I probably don't do enough to take care of myself. I'll see what I can do. I do get stressed and I do need to manage that. I will try to not take on other people's problems.

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Well, Oscuro, no point in beating about the bush. I can understand completely that you would not want to see your mother homeless and I hope that you have made some progress in finding accommodation for her.

 

Just wondering why your GF pushed to have this cousin come live with you, and why you felt you had to agree to the "barter".

 

The whole situation sounds most unfair to you, Oscuro.

 

You know, the most underused word in the vocabulary is "NO"..........

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Well, Oscuro, no point in beating about the bush. I can understand completely that you would not want to see your mother homeless and I hope that you have made some progress in finding accommodation for her.

 

Just wondering why your GF pushed to have this cousin come live with you, and why you felt you had to agree to the "barter".

 

The whole situation sounds most unfair to you, Oscuro.

 

You know, the most underused word in the vocabulary is "NO"..........

 

I agreed to it because my girlfriend is trying to reconnect with lost family members and none of them are around her currently. Family seems very important to her (less important to me) so I presumed this was a very important thing for her. And it is but she is now realizing she made a mistake. She says I'm her "breaks" whenever she's making impulsive decisions. I am going to more aggressively put the breaks on these types of things next time.

 

Regarding my mom, she was hoping to move by the end of the year. Probably won't happen but she is visiting more properties now so that's good.

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Good idea to continue applying those brakes, Oscuro.

 

And I think it is grand to re-connect with lost family members, but not necessarily to have them all come live with me lol.

 

Yeah. I need to continue learning to be the "breaks". And this fam situation has certainly stretched the limits my ability. I have a lot to learn from this. Thanks for talking.

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To me it seems like a bit of an odd amount of attention for you to be giving her, trying to save her and fix her problems. I would be asking yourself if you are attracted to her.

 

Uh, no. I'm not sure why it's odd. We live in a very small apartment. I'm the host. She's a guest. I feel bad if she's uncomfortable in my home. She's also my girlfriend's cousin so I want to consider her family and offer my support to her in some way. Additionally due to the size of the apartment, I want to encourage all of us to be open with each other so that we can prevent conflict. Having a person here who can't talk makes things awkward.

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Uh, no. I'm not sure why it's odd. We live in a very small apartment. I'm the host. She's a guest. I feel bad if she's uncomfortable in my home. She's also my girlfriend's cousin so I want to consider her family and offer my support to her in some way. Additionally due to the size of the apartment, I want to encourage all of us to be open with each other so that we can prevent conflict. Having a person here who can't talk makes things awkward.

 

So she is basically treating your place as a place to crash to explore if she can make it in the city. You agreed to help her out - she owes you to keep her room neat but she doesn't owe you a close relationship. Based on your other thread - you have your mom living with you too, so I can't help but feel that she really feels awkward here and maybe not saying much is the best way she has to try to be unobtrusive. Four adult people in a very small apartment is a lot of people.

 

You are definitely someone who wants to fix people or change people's situations and when you decide that you don't owe people anything, neither do they owe you a thing beyond what had been agreed - you will be a lot more stress free.

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