Teenager found my secret 'personal' items

I don't see my counsellor until Wednesday and need guidance, I literally feel like a piece of me has died.

My 15 yr old son found/stole my 'little box of toys' (I noticed them missing a long time ago.. and I thought I had thrown them out with my last move.)

I was given them by an ex and havent used them since we broke up 5 years ago.

Today i am home sick, so I did what most abnormal sick people do and that's clean my house.. I decided while in the spirit of cleaning to change the sheets in both my sons rooms.. long story short - when I moved his bed back there were my items, including my favourite underwear!

I'm no prude .. but I'm not extroverted either. I know he's been 'exploring' for some time as he spends too long in his bedroom and bathroom with the doors locked.

I do not wish to 'scar' him by going off like a mental woman, but it's not acceptable that he has gone through my room and obviously rummaged deep in the back of my wardrobe to steal these items.

I won't be home when he gets back from school, so I have written him a couple very short notes.. one saying I'm disappointed in him for stealing my personal affects. And two that his door is to remain open from now on until I trust him again. I can't face him.. it's actually sickens me that he's taken and even knows that I had these items.

I'm saddened/ashamed/embarrassed that he found these items. I understand that its completely normal for a teenager to explore their own bodies... but this is horrible.

Am I doing the right thing by leaving the notes? I have what I thought was a good relationship with him, we are open about dating and 'stuff', I just feel this is so disrespectful.

Please when replying, don't harp at me for having these items, they were concealed and I thought hidden away, I don't flaunt sexuality in my home and thought I was doing a good job of separating my 'private' life from him. I am absolutely gutted.

Having those items is totally normal.

But don't punish him for finding them. Don't punish him for having his own sexuality.

Don't make him keep his door open. That, in my opinion, is one of the worst things you can do. That's taking away HIS privacy because he violated yours, and I don't think that's a good lesson.

Instead, be upfront with him. Speak to him - no notes. Speak to him candidly about sex and privacy and rights. You can use this as a springboard for a very important conversation on sex, privacy, and consent.

Well, he didn't " find" them. He INVADED his mom's privacy by stealing them from HER room. Not acceptable. His sexuality is not the question here . Stealing items from his mother is . That he needs to be told won't be tolerated.

Well, he didn't " find" them. He INVADED his mom's privacy by stealing them from HER room. Not acceptable. His sexuality is not the question here . Stealing items from his mother is . That he needs to be told won't be tolerated.

I never said it was ok???

I'm just saying society needs less shaming of sexuality. At least in my opinion!

ETA: the not punish him thing isn't saying it's ok. But sex is already seen as shameful. Why make it worse. Just my opinion.

For me it is not a question of sexuality but theft is theft whether from your parents or the corner store. Because it is about sex toys for me it doesn't mean it is different. Today people let too much slide and pooh pooh it away.

lisii, not being a parent, i really have no advice, but i dunno, maybe it would make you feel better to hear boys do this kind of stuff in other households?

brace yourself, this one is...no words.

i was left with no reply i could think of when my friend, pi$$ed off, told me that in the morning while getting her other child ready for school, she walked into the master bedroom and found her 9 year old boy with...an erection....masturbating...standing right...above her pillow.

mind you, nobody in that family is a sicko and the child is otherwise amazing, and there have been no similar incidents or anything of the kind prior. this oedipal stuff is just...a whole separate...special... compartment in life.

i feel gross just having said this. i made it worse, haven't i?

honestly, i don't know how i would've reacted.

i don't think that keeping his door open is the way to go here, but you absolutely have to deal with him stealing your sex toys and underwear - that's completely inappropriate.

I understand that boys will be boys, but by the same token stealing is stealing, and that needs to be addressed. Having said that it needs to be pointed out how that is wrong, and won't be tolerated.

Either way, rather than leaving notes, I think having a heart to heart talk would be more beneficial, (imo).

when I moved his bed back there were my items, including my favourite underwear!

What the hell is he doing with his mom's panties? That is borderline incest.

Theft is a huge issue as well. I would be sending this child off to counseling and lay down some strict ground rules/consequences. That is disturbing.

I don't entirely know how you should handle this situation in the long term, but I would remove the notes. The first thing I would do is take the toys back (and probably dispose of them or bury them somewhere) - he will notice them missing fairly quickly. Then take some time to figure out how you want to address this with him

I would probably not take the approach of shaming him for having possession of the toys in and of itself, as I find it unlikely he uses them with you in mind (or if he is thinking of you, he's probably just thinking about how he can avoid you intruding on him while he explores). But I would very clearly explain how his actions have impacted you, as teens typically do not have the foresight and ability to understand the way that their actions affect the people around them. You should most certainly tell him that you are both hurt by his behaviour and embarrassed, and that those actions damaged the trust between you

I wonder if he didn't think you'd notice them missing (how could his mum possibly have a sexuality?), or if he thought you owning them was incriminating enough that his actions wouldn't matter... I feel bad for you OP, but I feel bad for him too as he will probably never forgive himself once he realises what he's done

The most disturbing aspect of all of this (imo), is the fact that he stole your underwear. Something just very very wrong with that. Only way around this is a good solid talking/discussion and definitely need to lay out the ground rules, the absolute inappropriateness and that it will NOT be tolerated.

i mean ppl are shocked that a child acts almost if they possess the sexuality of the opposite sex parent, but it's what brings about the central complex of the human psyche. it just does not manifest so obviously with most children, and many don't ever show it behaviorally, which doesn't mean they magically skip the oedipal period.

of course it needs to be addressed, and of course there need to be boundaries in place. but it doesn't mean the child is incestuously inclined or deeply disturbed in the least.

lisii, you're right to have a psychologist booked. it'll help. don't sweat it so much.

Thanks everyone, I think everyone of you brought up everything that has been swishing in my head.

The panties went with an outfit that the ex had bought me, it was in the same box as my "toys", I didn't have it in my undies drawer, he never touched my daily wears.

I think/hope, that as it was in the back of my closest he didn't associate it with me, I hope/think it was more of a dress ups thing... hoping. (the toys are a different matter) - everything has been discarded into the rubbish.

I had been at the hospital with my Youngest all afternoon so wasn't in the mindset to talk with him when I got back, he did read the notes and I said to him that we will discuss it later and that he hasn't heard the end of it, I also explained to him that as he stole from my room and invaded my personal space I will be taking his electronic devices from him, and they will only be available for school work, (until I have a least spoken to my Counsellor)

Of course he's on his best behaviour, he is a wonderful kid.. He's always been inquisitive about his bits. I can't punish him for doing what is "normal"... but like you all said, he has crossed some serious boundaries.

Thing is, when I was a teenager I use to read my dad's penthouses... he even had a book on Karmasutra.. that he had hidden in the top of his wardrobe... I never stole from him though.

Ugh... just when I started thinking that I had this single parenting thing under control

Thanks for your support RainyCoast,

I'll update with what the counsellor recommends.

 

Thing is, when I was a teenager I use to read my dad's penthouses... he even had a book on Karmasutra.. that he had hidden in the top of his wardrobe... I never stole from him though.

 

Of course, it's normal to be curious, it's normal to explore, which is why I don't think shaming or removing his privacy is the right way to go. But stealing intimate items from you is crossing lines.

As a mother of two sons, I would just take the things back and not mention it.

Stealing and invading your privacy is not acceptable. In any other circumstances I would have a talk with him and there would be consequences.

But I don't know how one can have this conversation with him without the waters getting murky and him feeling a sense of shame for the sexual aspect of the items he helped himself to.

Let alone his mothers!

The items being missing from under his bed will be noticed and he'll know you know.

If he is a great kid like you say and there are no other instances where his behavior is in question. . .I'd let this one go.

I did find some porn in my sons drawer once. He was in high school and at the right age to have a natural curiosity about these things. It first glance I confiscated them. Second thought, I returned them.

My youngest got a laptop from his dad for his birthday. He must have been 12 at the time. He left it on, on the coffee table while he went outside to hang out with friends. I clicked on his history and he had been visiting all sorts of xxx porn websites (such as anal fisting among other hard core things!) I did have talk with him. Had it been anything else I wouldn't have. I told him his curiosity was absolutely healthy and normal but I just didn't want my 12 year old who, was young and impressionable to think this is what the average couple does. We talked about love, intimacy and with that comes responsibility. . etc. .. . .but I did keep his labtop for 2 weeks.

You're a good mom. There isn't a one size fits all answer for this. You'll make the right decision.

I would not let it go with theft being involved. If it is not addressed, then what example is the parent setting? It's a parent's job to teach their own child responsibility no matter the circumstances. He'll go right back in her room and take other things that doesn't belong to him.

What he did was NOT ok. A teenager knows better than taking things that doesn't belong to him.

The bedroom door is because he invaded my privacy, it is not long term, but it is until I speak to my counselor this afternoon, He had to know how it felt for me. Taking his electronic's away is such a standard disciplinary measure, he needs to understand that just because it's in our house, it doesn't give him the rights to it.

We talked last night and this morning briefly, it's not something either of us want to discuss in detail.

I'm not disciplining him for exploring his body, I have explained that to him and he understands fully where I am coming from.

This is just to keep you on your toes, Lisii. chi

The bedroom door is because he invaded my privacy, it is not long term, but it is until I speak to my counselor this afternoon, He had to know how it felt for me. Taking his electronic's away is such a standard disciplinary measure, he needs to understand that just because it's in our house, it doesn't give him the rights to it.

 

We talked last night and this morning briefly, it's not something either of us want to discuss in detail.

 

I'm not disciplining him for exploring his body, I have explained that to him and he understands fully where I am coming from.

Absolutely the disciplining is not about his sexuality . It is about taking what does not belong to him and invading YOUR sexuality . It has nothing to do with his sexuality at all .

Taking his electronic's away is such a standard disciplinary measure, he needs to understand that just because it's in our house, it doesn't give him the rights to it.

I'd personally change the wifi password. But that's because I'm evil.

This is just to keep you on your toes, Lisii. chi

Haha! I know right!!! Kids who'd have "em! (me)

I spoke to my counselor, she doesn't think there is an issue - she made humor of it and told me some worse stories, she said it was good I made him accountable over the stealing and overstepping boundaries.., I'm getting a male friend (he's like an Uncle to the boys) to talk to him about boy things, as the boys look up to him. I won't tell him the whole story, god forbid can't have that going around my town! ekkk!

Thank you all so very much for not making me feel like a bad mum over this... it was rather embarrassing, I'm very lucky to have you all! ((hugs))

Having those items is totally normal.

 

But don't punish him for finding them. Don't punish him for having his own sexuality.

 

Don't make him keep his door open. That, in my opinion, is one of the worst things you can do. That's taking away HIS privacy because he violated yours, and I don't think that's a good lesson.

 

Instead, be upfront with him. Speak to him - no notes. Speak to him candidly about sex and privacy and rights. You can use this as a springboard for a very important conversation on sex, privacy, and consent.

I agree 100%