How do I tell my "sugar daddy" I have a boyfriend now?

Yes, you read that correctly. This is a really awkward situation to be in and I honestly don't know what to do. My boyfriend (long distance) was my best friend for about a year before we decided to take things further (at the start of this year), so he already knows that at one point in time I was on a sugar dating website but that I never slept with anyone because I wasn't able to go through with it (sex is more of a special, relationship kind of thing to me). I only met two guys in person for a first 'date' and all we did was talk and they bought me dinner/drinks and one paid for my taxi home. I never got into an actual arrangement and after my boyfriend came into my life I stopped going on that site.

However, I made one "friend" off this website who I still keep in touch with. We have skyped and talked about meeting. I kind of fell for this guy when I first started talking/skyping with him, but it wasn't going to go any further until/unless we met. I told him at some point last year I couldn't meet him as I was in love with my best friend, and he actually convinced me that the relationship with my best friend was not viable because of the long distance, so I stopped talking to my best friend for a little while but still didn't meet my potential sugar daddy as I had some personal issues to work through and didn't want to get involved. During this time, he applied for a job at my university since he wants to move from where he lives currently (a few hours away) as he is unhappy, suffers from depression, insomnia and occasional alcoholism. He didn't get the job and told me he thinks it unlikely he'll get many opportunities to find suitable work where I live. We still kept in touch regularly even though I wasn't ready to meet him 'just yet'.

Fast forward to the start of this year, I started talking to my best friend again because I missed his companionship, and we very quickly reignited the sparks and decided that we were going to work hard to be together because it was better than the alternative of being apart. During this time, I still kept in touch with my potential sugar daddy. I felt we have developed a good friendship/rapport and I do care about him - I feel that I should check up on him from time to time as he has some issues that he struggles with and he has divulged them to me. He was overseas recently and I joked about how I was jealous I didn't get an invite, and he took it a bit more seriously than I intended and commented that he would invite me next time.

A few days ago he suggested he would have invited me to visit him on another trip he's taking if I weren't in the middle of my final exams. I didn't reply to the message. He sent another saying he's still really interested in meeting me. Again, I didn't reply. Today he messaged me asking how my studying is going. Now I am starting to feel upset and guilty. If I am honest with him and tell him I have a boyfriend, AND it's the same guy from last year, I think I will lose this friendship with him and I feel guilty for that because I actually care about him and wish he had a partner who would take care of him. I didn't know I would get involved with my friend again and that it would mean that my 'sugar daddy' and I would not get a chance to meet and explore some semblance of a relationship (he knows where I stand with regards to sex and romance).

Sometimes I kick myself for falling for my beautiful, amazing but broke single dad of a boyfriend. I'm a practical person and this rich man wants to pursue me but I'm hopelessly in love with my best friend. And I wouldn't change that, but how am I supposed to tell him the truth either? Am I supposed to tell him that I'm ending a friendship with this guy because I've chosen to be with him? I don't know what the correct thing to do is.

I know this sounds incriminating but I don't think I've strung anyone along or done anything unethical, I've made it very clear when I wasn't interested in pursuing anything more and my potential sugar daddy decided to wait around and maintain our friendship anyway. I'm not sure if that's because he wants a relationship with me, but it seems likely that he won't want to be friends once I come clean about being committed.

What is the best way to handle this situation so that nobody gets hurt/jealous? Can I remain friends with this guy or would it be unfair to my partner?

I was on a sugar dating website but that I never slept with anyone because I wasn't able to go through with it

Not sure I understand this correctly, but you have "sugar daddies" but no sex with them? If that's the case, what do you see them for? Their money? What you can get out of them? (Sorry about the questions but just trying to understand how this works and what it's all about).

That said, there is no way out but to tell the truth. You can't mess around with both guys at the same time, it's not right and unfair to all concerned (imo). You make your choice and end it with the other. Tell the truth.

Not sure I understand this correctly, but you have "sugar daddies" but no sex with them? If that's the case, what do you see them for? Their money? What you can get out of them? (Sorry about the questions but just trying to understand how this works and what it's all about).

 

That said, there is no way out but to tell the truth. You can't mess around with both guys at the same time, it's not right and unfair to all concerned (imo). You make your choice and end it with the other. Tell the truth.

Well the way that it works is usually open to negotiation. Some sugar daddies are okay with waiting for sex if they like the sugar baby, some of them are married or are senior and just want to be in the company of young women without necessarily involving sex, some sugar daddies expect you to have multiple men you're sleeping with and they basically give you an income (plus maybe shop with you, take you out for dinner, take you on overseas trips). And then some sugar daddies want a more or less exclusive relationship with their sugar baby which involves sex, romance but a clear division of power and responsibility (the sugar daddy meets financial needs, the sugar baby meets emotional/sexual needs). In the last case, more resemblant of what I would have had with this guy, it's more or less an unconventional relationship with an age gap and 'mutual benefits'. Some people find this unethical, and others think it's fair so long as the terms are open to negotiation and both parties feel they're getting exactly what they want out of it.

And I agree that I have to tell the truth, I just don't know how to go about it. Should I end things with my friend or leave the option open to stay in contact if he wants to, and should I come clean to my boyfriend about it and see what he thinks on the situation? I feel like I can be TOO honest at times so if I tell my boyfriend it might make him unnecessarily jealous. I don't want to entertain the idea of a relationship with the sugar daddy

What the hell is "occasional alcoholism?" There is no such thing. He is an alcoholic.

Yes. You have a boyfriend; therefore, you should not be talking to someone who is interested in you. It is a lousy thing to do to your bf. Sounds like you are an attention seeker.

Do your family and friends know that you were doing this?

What the hell is "occasional alcoholism?" There is no such thing. He is an alcoholic.

 

Yes. You have a boyfriend; therefore, you should not be talking to someone who is interested in you. It is a lousy thing to do to your bf. Sounds like you are an attention seeker.

 

Do your family and friends know that you were doing this?

Well I have known him for about 18 months and he's had two mild episodes where he would drink regularly throughout the week for a few months at a time. He is highly functional regardless and it's not a constant issue, just an occasional depressive-episode related thing. So tied in with the other issues like insomnia and low mood. I wouldn't say he experiences those things all the time, he has high points and low points, and seems to be getting progressively better in the last 6 months (I started taking more care of my health, and he followed suit and seems to be feeling a bit better).

I most certainly don't go out of my way to get his attention, we mostly have very brief conversations which just involve us exchanging how the other is, typically initiated by him maybe every 3-6 weeks. So we're not, you know, skyping or talking on the phone all the time or having deep conversations. He's just vaguely in my life. I have a feeling that the reason he's started pursuing me more is because he has sensed that I'm not engaging with him anymore and drifting apart.

My boyfriend and I built up to the point we are at now, and there were some issues we had to iron out before agreeing to be totally committed to each other (such as whether either of us was indeed willing to move to make the relationship work). Those things take time, and as things have developed I have gradually stopped talking to the other men in my life and no longer reply to messages which I continue to get from various people. I have been in situations at uni recently where guys have actively chatted me up and I have inadvertently given them the wrong idea (I am extremely friendly and affectionate, but on the autism spectrum and not great at reading people). As soon as I realise I go cold on them.

Some of my friends and family know about these things, others don't. It's not something that you bring up at Christmas dinner lol

Also for the record, I'm 26 and have lived independently since I was 18, so I don't think I'm under any obligation to spill details of my dating/sex life with my family.

I do not engage with men as friends, who have a sexual interest in me. Period. I think it is a form of stringing people along for the purpose of attention etc.... Yes, He knows that you have a bf -which is sleazy on his part - but he hoping that you will change your mind.

If this relationship is not something that your bf would be comfortable with, then you should not be having it. How would you feel if the situation were reversed?

Lastly, you still refer to him as a "sugar daddy' which shows that you do not value him as a friend, but more as a wallet. I would address your value system, as something sounds quite off.

I do not engage with men as friends, who have a sexual interest in me. Period. I think it is a form of stringing people along for the purpose of attention etc.... Yes, He knows that you have a bf -which is sleazy on his part - but he hoping that you will change your mind.

 

If this relationship is not something that your bf would be comfortable with, then you should not be having it. How would you feel if the situation were reversed?

 

Lastly, you still refer to him as a "sugar daddy' which shows that you do not value him as a friend, but more as a wallet. I would address your value system, as something sounds quite off.

I only refer to him as a sugar daddy in this post in order to differentiate the person I'm speaking about other than my boyfriend who I also referred to as my friend in the same post. Gets a bit confusing otherwise. My "sugar daddy" has never given me money and I have never accepted any kind of gift or gesture from him, there was the potential for a relationship in the future but as far as he knows I'm not dating anyone right now (as I hadn't intended to date anyone) and that's why I'm not dating him. He knows that I would be uncomfortable accepting an income from him but he would have done things like paid for me to visit him and go on trips with him so that we could have time together. Anyway, neither here nor there.

Since the commitment with my boyfriend is still kind of new, I'm still figuring out how to phase other romantic interests out of my life. I don't think you need to tell me it's wrong because it's not like I am flirting with other men intentionally or going out of my way to speak to this guy. What exactly have I done wrong by responding to a few messages asking how I am in the last few months since my relationship with my boyfriend has been developing?

I tend to have difficulty telling apart the guys who have a sexual interest in me and the ones who see me as a friend. But even in this situation where I know he wanted more than that, I was not stringing him along because I told him specifically that I wasn't looking to date him..unfortunately, untrue to my word, I fell for my current boyfriend. So it's not the "sugar daddy's" fault.

Now that I am in the position where I have to actually do something about it (seeing as I can't just ignore the 'sugar daddy' forever...or can I?), do you think I ought to tell my boyfriend or just tell the sugar daddy I'm committed? Or just not respond?

i think just tell him you have developed feelings for someone and are pursuing a relationship with them. he doesn't need to know whom with. from there on, it'd be best to not be in touch anymore, at all.

if your boyfriend and you haven't agreed to being exclusive, you don't have to disclose this. if you have....yeah. i dunno. i'd say if you are willing to completely disconnect from the other guys, maybe not stir the pot telling him stuff that would hurt. on the other hand, it just strikes me as fair for him to know, he should be equipped, information wise, to make half of the decisions about the relationship, and all this background would be something he'd want to take into account.

as for the other guys, once you have realized they are after more than friendship and you are not interested, you can simply block them. if you think you've led someone on to the point they have expectations, or feelings invested, you can also say sorry i realize i've given the wrong impression, and then distance yourself.

if you are on the spectrum and it is difficult to read people to the point it complicates matters for you in this way, maybe counseling specifically geared to enhance mentalization abilities would be in place.

Actually I think I understand what you are sort of saying. Like I should have known better than to 'string along' the "sugar daddy" since I wasn't sure that I wanted to date him (although I did suggest it was a possibility in the future and I did mean it when I said it)... And should have known better as my relationship was starting that I should have stopped talking to the other guy right away or told him sooner? I find it really confusing honestly, I don't know what the social etiquette is in this situation but to be clear, I am trying to do the right thing, not trying to string anyone along

p.s. in case you are considering telling your boyfriend the autism made you not realize you were encouraging interested guys, i would advise against it.

i understand what you are saying.

but it sounds highly contradictory that on

-one hand you don't understand simple advances, and imply you would not have entertained them had you understood.

-on the other hand, you understand the intricacies of sugar daddy/sugar baby arrangements, that they pose moral concerns for some people, and are able to assess where your boundaries would be with that, in order for it to still be morally acceptable to you (for example, you are okay with having trips paid for, but you don't see yourself accepting money).

you'd risk convincing him you are using autism as a free pass for disloyalty.

Actually I think I understand what you are sort of saying. Like I should have known better than to 'string along' the "sugar daddy" since I wasn't sure that I wanted to date him (although I did suggest it was a possibility in the future and I did mean it when I said it)...

And should have known better as my relationship was starting that I should have stopped talking to the other guy right away or told him sooner? I find it really confusing honestly, I don't know what the social etiquette is in this situation but to be clear, I am trying to do the right thing, not trying to string anyone along

i think just tell him you have developed feelings for someone and are pursuing a relationship with them. he doesn't need to know whom with. from there on, it'd be best to not be in touch anymore, at all.

 

if your boyfriend and you haven't agreed to being exclusive, you don't have to disclose this. if you have....yeah. i dunno. i'd say if you are willing to completely disconnect from the other guys, maybe not stir the pot telling him stuff that would hurt. on the other hand, it just strikes me as fair for him to know, he should be equipped, information wise, to make half of the decisions about the relationship, and all this background would be something he'd want to take into account.

 

as for the other guys, once you have realized they are after more than friendship and you are not interested, you can simply block them. if you think you've led someone on to the point they have expectations, or feelings invested, you can also say sorry i realize i've given the wrong impression, and then distance yourself.

 

if you are on the spectrum and it is difficult to read people to the point it complicates matters for you in this way, maybe counseling specifically geared to enhance mentalization abilities would be in place.

p.s. in case you are considering telling your boyfriend the autism made you not realize you were encouraging interested guys, i would advise against it.

i understand what you are saying.

 

but it sounds highly contradictory that on

 

-one hand you don't understand simple advances, and imply you would not have entertained them had you understood.

-on the other hand, you understand the intricacies of sugar daddy/sugar baby arrangements, that they pose moral concerns for some people, and are able to assess where your boundaries would be with that, in order for it to still be morally acceptable to you (for example, you are okay with having trips paid for, but you don't see yourself accepting money).

 

you'd risk convincing him you are using autism as a free pass for disloyalty.

it sounds like he was aware you weren't entirely ready to date him, so i think you were probably quite clear where you stand. after all, he was convincing you to pick him. but nonetheless, yes, it's best to stay true to yourself and leave if you are not feeling it. generally in life, do your best to keep a "clean slate" at all times. integrity simplifies life significantly.

yes. to avoid future misunderstandings and unpleasant surprises, also have a talk after having dated some time, to establish whether you both want to be exclusive.

The conversations about exclusivity are a real grey area at times and I resent that I didn't clarify it better when it first came up, but he told me months ago he isn't looking to date anyone else so I think this is implied exclusivity on my part. I was a bit more relaxed about it and just kinda going with the flow and seeing whether things developed, which I feel they have and I'm more sure of things now. I don't place a lot of emphasis on words and he's had to show me his commitment rather than just ask me for exclusivity, if that makes sense. Things tend to be ill-defined early on.

I have been trying to seek counselling for dealing with social issues, but I can't quite afford the level of treatment that I need in order to iron out the equally difficult challenges that I face across a broad range of things (not just social but also executive functioning things).

Mostly I just avoid social situations, but when I am in them I am extra friendly because I think I do miss the human connection as a result of avoiding it (anxiety stemming from so many social failures). That has meant in the past few months that I've unintentionally been super friendly or fallen for a guy's flirting with me which I didn't realise until it had been going on for a while (e.g. one guy who I have caught looking at me a lot who keeps asking me for help explaining things when he should be asking the teacher who is giving the lesson, and not talking in class). I am quite intelligent so while I am easily fooled into these situations, I realise after it's been going on for a while, feel embarrassed and shut down. I also have high ability for abstract thought and logical reasoning, which allows me to analyse situations afterwards but not to control them while I am in them as I lack the intuition, if that makes sense. It's a tricky place to be, high functioning but still challenged, and finding the right professional support for this is also hard as most therapy is geared towards male representations of ASD which can be very different (refusal to communicate and limited desire to think about social faux pas or to fix them).

My partner actually understands most of this, and is likely on the spectrum himself although not formally diagnosed. We have a lot in common in that sense. He did previously express a bit of annoyance that I continued to talk to a guy who was making sexual euphemisms to me, and I explained I don't have a lot of friends which is why I just let it slide, but I've since stopped talking to that guy. So he knows on one level that the guys exist, and I'm unsure whether I should bring it up again or just stop talking to them... or stop talking to them and let him know that I'm committed?

Thanks for your response though. I really appreciate the understanding

If you feel your values have changed and you no longer are so focused on what kind of money/material things a man can give you that you'd go to a sugar daddy website then simply end contact with the man you've been chatting with. If you still value men for the money/things they can give you then your boyfriend deserves to know this sooner rather than later since he probably cannot give you those things.

If you feel your values have changed and you no longer are so focused on what kind of money/material things a man can give you that you'd go to a sugar daddy website then simply end contact with the man you've been chatting with. If you still value men for the money/things they can give you then your boyfriend deserves to know this sooner rather than later since he probably cannot give you those things.

Thanks. I don't think I ever really valued money in men in terms of love/relationships, it was more that I was struggling financially when I first went on the site. My boyfriend actually is just jealous that there isn't a big market for sugar mommas honestly, otherwise he probably would have considered it once or twice the guy in question does have the potential to mentor me through my career goals, which my boyfriend cannot, and that was my main reason for wanting to keep the friendship. But obviously since the guy is pushing to move it into sugar daddy territory, I can't entertain that any longer...

or stop talking to them and let him know that I'm committed?

i'm not on the spectrum, but i relate to not quite getting when someone is being more than friendly. but i find that this is often simply denial. i sense it, but then talk myself into believing they're just joking or being friendly. and then in retrospect, it's so obvious it's embarrassing. the saving grace, for me personally, has been that i never respond in the same way, so they either walk away, or stay on my terms, and the flirting stops very early on.

btw, i know that's not what you're asking in this thread, but i just thought i'd throw it in there, regarding executive function. i've had mild to moderate problems with that, and also haven't had therapy to deal with that specifically. my problem is related to adhd. i don't have an official dx yet (i'm scheduled, it's just a terribly long waiting list), but two separate therapists have suggested i may have it. i struggled to accept that in a way, but i think it would explain a lot. i've found very helpful ways to deal with it online, and the improvement has been noticeable. if your problems are similar, perhaps adhd resources may be helpful, even though that's not what you have.

Thanks. I don't think I ever really valued money in men in terms of love/relationships, it was more that I was struggling financially when I first went on the site. My boyfriend actually is just jealous that there isn't a big market for sugar mommas honestly, otherwise he probably would have considered it once or twice the guy in question does have the potential to mentor me through my career goals, which my boyfriend cannot, and that was my main reason for wanting to keep the friendship. But obviously since the guy is pushing to move it into sugar daddy territory, I can't entertain that any longer...

Yes and you value getting money by offering companionship to men - other people who financially struggle would not be willing to trade companionship/sexual favors/attention for money. Do you still? Please don't rationalize it because if you do, you can't objectively evaluate whether you still want to be the woman who seeks money in this way. You can find mentors (I did, several!) who want to mentor you and who are not advertising on a sugar daddy site or don't also want to get you into bed by using their wealth. Boyfriends need not be mentors. My husband has been a mentor to me in a few ways but I have also mentored him in a way. However we each have always had professional mentors in our lives.

that strikes me as the most elegant solution tbh.

 

i'm not on the spectrum, but i relate to not quite getting when someone is being more than friendly. but i find that this is often simply denial. i sense it, but then talk myself into believing they're just joking or being friendly. and then in retrospect, it's so obvious it's embarrassing. the saving grace, for me personally, has been that i never respond in the same way, so they either walk away, or stay on my terms, and the flirting stops very early on.

Yeah! I think it is not that uncommon to have trouble reading these situations. It's just compounded by the fact that I unintentionally do things like accidentally linger in people's personal space or tap someone on the shoulder to quietly/privately ask them a question which can seem quite intimate. Sometimes I notice a particular feature on their face/head and stare at it for too long - one guy I noticed his grey hairs, which I thought was odd because he couldn't have been older than about 25, and I think he thought I was checking him out. Another time I was staring at some papers on the desk next to where my lecturer was standing, he moved awkwardly out of the way and I realised it seemed like I was staring at his crotch! Just silly little things I do which I constantly have to step back, analyse and learn from. I'm getting better as I get older, but I'm still painfully socially awkward and find that I am misunderstood often. Again, my boyfriend knows this and I often tell him when something embarrassing has happened to me (he finds it hilarious)

Another time I was staring at some papers on the desk next to where my lecturer was standing, he moved awkwardly out of the way and I realised it seemed like I was staring at his crotch!

I very frequently come off flirting or interested in girls. I have a different social way than most people and I am very talkative. I am also totally blind to people being attracted to me in the moment. I have great introspective so it is obvious later.

With how I am I find that I pretty much have to shut down most non essential interactions with people that are interested in me.

I extremely rarely complain about my wife and praise things about her. There is no doubt about how much I love her if you speak to more for more than 5 minutes. Even so, many women think that I might be somewhat interested simply because I talk to them.

Even if they know I have a wife, and I am very happy, they might continue to chat with me hopefully. In my experience I have to break any friendships with people if they develop the feelings.

Just saying this because I feel like you can't just tell them you have a boyfriend. If you really want to invest yourself in a relationship you don't need to keep friends with other people that are pursuing you.

It doesn't sound like you even need to get rid of a sugar daddy. Just need to let a guy know you don't want him as one.

Yes and you value getting money by offering companionship to men - other people who financially struggle would not be willing to trade companionship/sexual favors/attention for money. Do you still? Please don't rationalize it because if you do, you can't objectively evaluate whether you still want to be the woman who seeks money in this way. You can find mentors (I did, several!) who want to mentor you and who are not advertising on a sugar daddy site or don't also want to get you into bed by using their wealth. Boyfriends need not be mentors. My husband has been a mentor to me in a few ways but I have also mentored him in a way. However we each have always had professional mentors in our lives.

Do I value that or do I just value knowing that I could if I wanted to or needed to? I'm sorry but I just don't feel it's quite that simple. As I mentioned, I looked at the option at a time when I was financially struggling, which I do occasionally as I'm trying to put myself through university. I would like to do a PhD and move into academia, and be fully self-sufficient and not relying on anyone. I have very high goals for myself.

My bf is a broke single father, and at the moment I am unsure of his career goals as he had to stop studying since he recently got full custody of his toddler daughter. I don't ever expect to be relying on a serious partner, but I would want to know that my partner can hold his own and that he has some ambition (wouldn't everyone?). Sometimes I am not sure of my boyfriend's goals/ambitions, because of his current circumstances it can be hard to tell, but I love him anyway. I don't think I would mind too much being the breadwinner in our relationship and possibly making twice what he makes. But the issue of whether we would be able to travel together and whether he will try to develop himself professionally/financially is one that is impossible to address this early on. It would possibly bother me if we ended up having a lot of economic disparity and that meant I was "carrying" the relationship in a sense, but I don't know how things will turn out, and if we had kids together it might be good that he wants to do the stay-at-home dad thing since I want a career.

All that other stuff like having someone pay for me to travel with them are just unimportant, fun ideas to throw around and play with while I'm still relatively young. (i.e.) If I chose to have a friend with benefits, you wouldn't then go and assume that my values are that I only want noncommittal relationships for the rest of my life.

btw, i know that's not what you're asking in this thread, but i just thought i'd throw it in there, regarding executive function. i've had mild to moderate problems with that, and also haven't had therapy to deal with that specifically. my problem is related to adhd. i don't have an official dx yet (i'm scheduled, it's just a terribly long waiting list), but two separate therapists have suggested i may have it. i struggled to accept that in a way, but i think it would explain a lot. i've found very helpful ways to deal with it online, and the improvement has been noticeable. if your problems are similar, perhaps adhd resources may be helpful, even though that's not what you have.

I think I do have mild ADHD but it can be hard to differentiate with ASD as a lot of the symptoms overlap, like becoming absorbed in topics of interest, or an inability to concentrate (because I'm focussing on the details of something else or researching something unrelated to what I should be doing). So yeah, I've done a lot of actual research in the scientific literature and tried to implement ways to manage different things (planners, lists, routines etc). I even get assistance from the uni for this sometimes. But ultimately I can't avoid getting overwhelmed and falling off the wagon when I face issues or go through changes. It's something I constantly have to work on, and ironically trying to remember and attend therapy appointments is so draining it can be more trouble than it's worth sometimes

Have you found anything that works for you though?

I have planners and lists of daily tasks (morning routine, bedtime routine) that I stick on the walls, and a long list of things I need to get on top of that's attached to my "vision board" so I can attend to it when I have time

I very frequently come off flirting or interested in girls. I have a different social way than most people and I am very talkative. I am also totally blind to people being attracted to me in the moment. I have great introspective so it is obvious later.

 

With how I am I find that I pretty much have to shut down most non essential interactions with people that are interested in me.

 

I extremely rarely complain about my wife and praise things about her. There is no doubt about how much I love her if you speak to more for more than 5 minutes. Even so, many women think that I might be somewhat interested simply because I talk to them.

 

Even if they know I have a wife, and I am very happy, they might continue to chat with me hopefully. In my experience I have to break any friendships with people if they develop the feelings.

 

Just saying this because I feel like you can't just tell them you have a boyfriend. If you really want to invest yourself in a relationship you don't need to keep friends with other people that are pursuing you.

 

It doesn't sound like you even need to get rid of a sugar daddy. Just need to let a guy know you don't want him as one.

I could probably communicate to him that I don't want him as a sugar daddy but seems unrealistic/unfair to then want to keep him as a friend, or at least that's what people here seem to be saying. Thus maybe better to just, as you say, cut him off and not try to stay friends.

As I mentioned, I looked at the option at a time when I was financially struggling, which I do occasionally as I'm trying to put myself through university. I would like to do a PhD and move into academia, and be fully self-sufficient and not relying on anyone. I have very high goals for myself.

Trying to understand this - are you basically saying you have no issue in using men for money when you are financially struggling, and using them/their money to help put you through university? This doesn't bother you at all?? (Sorry if I got this wrong).

Trying to understand this - are you basically saying you have no issue in using men for money when you are financially struggling, and using them/their money to help put you through university? This doesn't bother you at all?? (Sorry if I got this wrong).

I do take issue with it, which is why I didn't follow through with it... I probably benefit from knowing the option is there though (not much money in my family if things go wrong). In this situation, my conditions were for exclusive romantic involvement with someone and not accepting an income from them (so quite unlike sex work/escorts/prostitution in that sense) - in reality it is probably just the idea of support that I was looking for since I have been in some financially very difficult situations and have faced homelessness a few times in the past. In the last 12 months two different extended family members very generously gifted me $5000 which has greatly improved my living circumstances/outlook for completing my studies, which is why I would no longer consider "sugaring", but there was certainly a time where I did. Of course it violates my values and sense of identity, but then again so does having to give up your home and lose your possessions... Tough decision, no? Interested in your opinion on that, though.

For what it's worth, if the men are single and are actively looking for a younger woman to date who they are happy to help out financially because they feel that is the only way to have the type of relationship they want with the type of woman they want, then I don't think it's morally wrong for a young woman who is in a difficult situation to accept that help, no. Again though, I think it's a tough decision and I certainly know that most women who do it are probably just escorts in that sense. I have a knot in my stomach just thinking about it. So I clearly do have an issue with it