Newlyweds & another harsh argument - Have I been unreasonable?

Hello all! Thanks for reading. This is my second post in the last ~2 months, and I got some great advice last time, and was hoping to bounce something off the group.

I've been married for about 3 months, and we've been off to a rocky start. Long story short, we're both 38, and had a very informal, small, lovely wedding. We've had a lot going on this year, so money was tight, but it turned out that a small wedding was the perfect thing for us. We delayed our honeymoon until August, and here's what it gets tricky:

We're heading to Ireland for our honeymoon, and hubby has family who lives there (in three different cities), and he used to live there as well. Of course, he wants to see his family, as I do as well. So, we're visiting relatives in all three cities, and he also wants to spend another evening hanging out with his old friend in a different city. OK cool. We've also discussed taking his Mom, who lives next door to us, with us on the trip (and we would hang out with her there for a few days). Still good! Because this year has been such a roller coaster ride, the only way to take a honeymoon was for me to withdraw some money from my 401K (which I did) to cover the costs. Thankfully, I'm in good shape there and I can hardly think of anything else to spend it on (except a retirement, haha). Anyway, I'm fine with taking the money out. So, the lowdown is that I'm covering the airfare for us and his Mom, and we're spending 7 of our 14 days in Ireland with his friends and family. Cool!

When we got to the nitty gritty of planning our "alone time" for the non-family 7 days, I mentioned two sites that I would really like to see. Of course, as luck has it, they are on different sides of the island, but it's a small island, so it's doable. When I proposed the sites, and stated that I really want to visit both, he gave me quite a hard time, citing distance, time spent in the car, I need to learn how to drive stick beforehand, etc. I was thrown off-guard. After all, this is our honeymoon, and we're spending a big chunk of it with his Mom and his family in different locations. Where's the compromise?

So, I tried to compromise. We're heading to a wedding on the East Coast in a few weeks for his best friend. All his buddies are flying in for the event. He's excited. We were looking at airfare/times the other day, and I found a really affordable fare, however the times weren't quite ideal (getting in at 9pm day before, leaving 10am morning after). I understand he wants to hang out with his friends, and I want everyone to have fun. The next best airfare was about $250 more, with better times. So I tried to compromise in a way that (I hope) was fair, and I said "let's meet in the middle. We'll get the more expensive airfare with better times, if you're willing to visit the two sites in Ireland."

He blew up at me, and said I was using the East Coast wedding as a "wedge" to get what I wanted for our honeymoon. I stayed calm, and did my best to explain that this seems like a fair compromise - or as fair as it can be, given the two different types of trips. He wasn't having it, and uninvited me to attend the wedding with him.

So, yeah... my husband told me I will not be his date at the wedding, and he is going alone.

I'm just at a loss for how to handle this. I felt like we were planning on a great honeymoon, but he is giving me such a hard time about seeing two sites that I wish to see on our 14 day trip. Yet, he doesn't seem to feel inconvenienced by his best friend's wedding, and is willing to spend more time/more money to be there for his friend's wedding. He doesn't seem concerned with what I want to do on our honeymoon, and gave me a really hard time about seeing the sites I want to see. That feels inequitable.

I'm really hurt. Is there an angle to this I am not seeing? Was I wrong to try to compromise the Ireland trip with the East Coast trip? Why is he so angry with me? Any/all feedback is warmly appreciated!

He uninvited his own wife to the wedding??? Thats a NO NO. He should have accomodated for the ireland trip.

I would put my money back in my retirement and have a honeymoon when he can grow up.

Thanks Nikego. I appreciate your thoughts. I was completely stricken when he uninvited me; I felt the compromise was fair. I'm still a bit in shock that I have been uninvited. Aside from the fact that there's a whole swarm of ugliness going on between us right now, I know all of his friends. And I know the couple who is getting married pretty well. They're both wonderful people, and I want to be there.

He uninvited his own wife to the wedding??? Thats a NO NO. He should have accomodated for the ireland trip.

I would put my money back in my retirement and have a honeymoon when he can grow up.

Thanks Seraphim... Good advice. I'd rather delay the honeymoon now. We're clearly not in a good place. I feel bad for his Mom, though. She's excited about this trip and just got her passport renewed to come along with us. She's 80 and doesn't have much money coming in, so we wanted to pay for her ticket. Putting the money back in my 401K would also mean canceling her trip. That makes me want to cry... I adore my mom-in-law.

Thanks Seraphim... Good advice. I'd rather delay the honeymoon now. We're clearly not in a good place. I feel bad for his Mom, though. She's excited about this trip and just got her passport renewed to come along with us. She's 80 and doesn't have much money coming in, so we wanted to pay for her ticket. Canceling the trip and putting the money back in my 401K would also mean canceling her trip. That makes me want to cry... I adore my mom-in-law.

I understand and that is part of the tragedy of it. But he is really acting very spoiled . He's married now and his life is no longer about him and all his friends . Having friends is perfectly fine in a marriage but they should never take over the relationship . I feel bad for you and his mom .

Your his partner now so you are suppose to be a team. he almost sounds shady..

I understand and that is part of the tragedy of it. But he is really acting very spoiled . He's married now and his life is no longer about him and all his friends . Having friends is perfectly fine in a marriage but they should never take over the relationship . I feel bad for you and his mom .

 

That's pretty much where I'm at - thank you for the kind words. I feel like seeing his friends on this East Coast trip, to him, is more important than spending a honeymoon with me and doing two things on that trip that would make me happy. I am heartbroken about his Mom and this trip, on top of feeling supremely miserable about his reaction to the honeymoon in general. How does one deal with a spouse who acts spoiled? >>

Your his partner now so you are suppose to be a team. he almost sounds shady..

I agree Nikego. I don't feel like his partner. When we talked the other day, when I saw he was become angry, I mentioned that we're partners and we need to be on the same team. I firmly stated the other day, as I have in past discussions, that "I look forward to spending time with your family in Ireland, and that is our plan. And, if we're withdrawing money out of a 401K to have a honeymoon, let's really do it up and HAVE A HONEYMOON." I've always been cool with spending 50% of the honeymoon with his family. But I'm not cool with being given a really hard time about seeing two sites I'd like to see. I'm trying to make him and his family happy with the 50/50 thing. But because we're spending 50% of our time with the family in 3 cities, he doesn't want the rest of the trip to be in a car, visiting sites far apart.

If you wanted a honeymoon, I would not have chosen Ireland, where the focus isn't about the two of you having a first lovely trip as a couple - but its a family vacation with mom. If you want to go to Ireland, fine, but i think that you should make a different trip for your honeymoon or should have just gone away for an extended weekend at least. I mean, at this point, Ireland is going on a trip and not really a honeymoon with the lack of proximity to the wedding and spending it all with family is hardly romantic.

Can you afford to send mom by herself to visit with a relative in Ireland, and because of her age, the family in different towns come to her? Who knows how many more chances mom will get to go, but its not your responsibility.

Also, how is his mom a lovely person and her son such a brat? Maybe she is a sweet lady - but she never said no and always indulged him. Who knows.

At any rate, I would think it might risk your marriage, but i think you should say that you have decided its best to put the money back in the 401 k. Afterall that is YOUR premarital retirement money. He is not putting equal in form his premarital money. I think you should have saved up for your honeymoon together before the wedding or save up as a couple now and go where you can afford to go. But maybe the money is best spent in couples counseling. Because it was small - does that mean that you didn't do premarital counseling as well?

All I can think is try couples counselling? He's not hearing you, if that cant be changed he's going to make for an awful partner. And compromise on Ireland trip might look like two family visits (maybe His family could move a little to meet him in one location) and your two spots or one week together and one week apart but that's starting to get into "is this our honey moon or are you just using me to get overseas" territory...

Also I assume since you're uninvited he's now paying for himself? You could send the getting married friends a little card saying hello and congratulations.

If you wanted a honeymoon, I would not have chosen Ireland, where the focus isn't about the two of you having a first lovely trip as a couple - but its a family vacation with mom. If you want to go to Ireland, fine, but i think that you should make a different trip for your honeymoon or should have just gone away for an extended weekend at least. I mean, at this point, Ireland is going on a trip and not really a honeymoon with the lack of proximity to the wedding and spending it all with family is hardly romantic.

 

Can you afford to send mom by herself to visit with a relative in Ireland, and because of her age, the family in different towns come to her? Who knows how many more chances mom will get to go, but its not your responsibility.

 

Also, how is his mom a lovely person and her son such a brat? Maybe she is a sweet lady - but she never said no and always indulged him. Who knows.

 

At any rate, I would think it might risk your marriage, but i think you should say that you have decided its best to put the money back in the 401 k. Afterall that is YOUR premarital retirement money. He is not putting equal in form his premarital money. I think you should have saved up for your honeymoon together before the wedding or save up as a couple now and go where you can afford to go. But maybe the money is best spent in couples counseling. Because it was small - does that mean that you didn't do premarital counseling as well?

Abitbroken - you're probably right about Ireland not being the best honeymoon spot. But in truth, it was where we BOTH wanted to go. I was never upset about spending 50% of it with his family. I just became upset when he wouldn't accommodate the two sites I wanted to see. The convo about Ireland really came to a head the other day when we were talking about the two sites I wanted to visit, and he was angry with all the driving. I mentioned that we might consider inviting all of his Ireland-based family to the family house in a rural part of the country for a weekend - that way we can see everyone, it's an easy-ish drive for all, and we can still have a great honeymoon! He didn't want to do that, because he felt that he wanted to visit his family house with only me, and maybe his mom (who can't travel there on her own any longer, given her age).

It would probably be very strange for me to pay his Mom's ticket, now that we're not going, given that we've only been married for 3 months, and I'm an "in-law" paying for the ticket. She wouldn't accept it either, as she's a very gracious, aware person. For various financial reasons, we didn't have the out-of-pocket cash to spend on a honeymoon, but we both wanted to take one, and splurge a little. It's been a rough year for both of us, and we really wanted this break. I agree and understand that raiding a 401K is not the wisest thing to do, but I was OK with withdrawing. You're right... maybe that money is better invested in counseling.

With him uninviting me to the East Coast wedding... I worry there's more at play here than what I have described with the honeymoon debacle. I'm not saying cheating, but what is going on with him? Why uninvite your wife to your best friend's wedding? I sometimes wonder if he really doesn't want to be married, and is looking for easy fights.

Are you still living in "his" house in the bad neighborhood? How did that end up getting resolved?

Did you see any signs of his "my way or the highway" attitude in the two years you dated before getting married?

All I can think is try couples counselling? He's not hearing you, if that cant be changed he's going to make for an awful partner. And compromise on Ireland trip might look like two family visits (maybe His family could move a little to meet him in one location) and your two spots or one week together and one week apart but that's starting to get into "is this our honey moon or are you just using me to get overseas" territory...

 

Also I assume since you're uninvited he's now paying for himself? You could send the getting married friends a little card saying hello and congratulations.

Thanks for your thoughts 1a1a! I responded with a post above about my previous compromise for melding the big Ireland family trip into one event during our honeymoon, and it wasn't well-received. You and abitbroken are on the same wavelength! I hate even having to type these posts/comments, because it feels "martyr-esque" in a way it shouldn't be. I want to see his family overseas. I also want us to have a nice honeymoon and to see two sites that stick out in my mind.

For the East Coast wedding, he is paying for himself, presumably. We just got married and haven't joined finances. Since we never got to the stage of booking tickets together, I only assume we would have booked/paid separately, but I guess that's a bit of a moot point now!

I'll tell you what would get his attention: Saying you're not doing the Ireland trip. And if he has that big of a problem with it, then you can tell this self-centered dope that you want a divorce.

You have the patience of a saint. I dont know how you are remaining calm during this man-child's tantrums. Uninviting you to the wedding is a really low blow. Who does that? He sound spoiled and a my way or the highway kind of guy.

If it was me (and it isnt) I'd go for the week to Ireland and see the family then I'd go to the other two places on my own and he can hang with the family.

You two already need couples counselling so that he can learn to grow up.

Are you still living in "his" house in the bad neighborhood? How did that end up getting resolved?

 

Did you see any signs of his "my way or the highway" attitude in the two years you dated before getting married?

Stealth researching boltnrun! I am still living in "his" house in the bad neighborhood, but I have been staying in my own house since Wednesday (we argued on Tuesday). After this fight and him uninviting me to his best friend's wedding... I don't know... I feel very shaky about how he views us and marriage, aside from issues we've had in the past.

The house thing was tabled, and I stopped bringing up buying a new house together because 1) it was causing arguments b/c he didn't want to move out of his current house, and 2) I have been trying to sell my house for the last two months and there's a financial sequence that's important. I admit in the past months, I really wanted to talk/dream together about what our next house would be, and when that would happen. I felt/feel unsafe at his house because of the neighborhood. It caused many arguments, but he refused to move into my house, so that's what it is.

The my way or highway stuff... truth be told, I knew he was stubborn. I had more than an inkling. But I thought it was stubbornness to a degree that can be appeased/compromised. I am learning now, perhaps, that my assessment might have been off the mark. Most people want to look for that good silver lining in others' faults, and my husband is wonderful in many ways. I do feel that I am quickly learning that life together will be lived to his specifications exactly, with no room for compromise. That is stifling.

Do NOT sell your house. Sounds like you might need it.

Maybe take your MIL to Ireland and the spoiled guy can stay home.

So you've set up a dynamic where you two disagree about something, he digs in his heels and refuses to compromise, then you give up and give in.

How does 40 years of that sound?

To reply to nsolo, seraphim, melancholy123, and boltnrun in one post - because some sentiments were shared and I want to spare your eyesight...

I'm not quick with using the D-word, but I HAVE started staying in my own home the past couple of nights, which is currently on the market. After my husband uninvited me to the wedding, compounded with the honeymoon talk, I just... I don't know... I want to find a word or phrase to describe what I'm feeling, and the best I can do is say that I feel second-best. Betrayed, almost, although maybe that is harsh.

I am re-considering selling my home. Incidentally, my realtor is the fiance of my husband's best friend who is getting married on the East Coast in a couple of weeks! But she is wonderful and I have no concerns there.

I don't know that I have the patience of a saint. If I did, perhaps I wouldn't be staying in my own house these past few nights, without a clear vision of when/if I plan to move back in with my husband. I have no vision of my husband's vision and this is the problem.

And boltnrun, you are ever succinct. When you stated "How does 40 years of that sound?", it resonated painfully but truthfully. It doesn't sound splendid. And I am thinking about taking my house off the market and letting my marriage air out. 40 years of this sounds heartbreaking.

I agree, keep your house, you may well need it before long.

Your husband is selfish and unreasonable .

And, why the hell are you taking money from your 401k. Have you looked at the tax consequence? Not smart!!!'

If you don't have the money, you shouldn't spend it.

If you do feel the need to take a vacay, go with your girlfriends. Your husband is a jerk. If this is what life is like three months in, I can't imagine what it will be like five years down the road.

"...withdraw some money from my 401K (which I did)..."

- This is no laughing matter!

The penalties, interest, compounding and loss of momentum will make cry in a few years from now.

This is you still trying to fix this guy into being a husband with money.

To reply to nsolo, seraphim, melancholy123, and boltnrun in one post - because some sentiments were shared and I want to spare your eyesight...

 

I'm not quick with using the D-word, but I HAVE started staying in my own home the past couple of nights, which is currently on the market. After my husband uninvited me to the wedding, compounded with the honeymoon talk, I just... I don't know... I want to find a word or phrase to describe what I'm feeling, and the best I can do is say that I feel second-best. Betrayed, almost, although maybe that is harsh.

 

I am re-considering selling my home. Incidentally, my realtor is the fiance of my husband's best friend who is getting married on the East Coast in a couple of weeks! But she is wonderful and I have no concerns there.

 

I don't know that I have the patience of a saint. If I did, perhaps I wouldn't be staying in my own house these past few nights, without a clear vision of when/if I plan to move back in with my husband. I have no vision of my husband's vision and this is the problem.

 

And boltnrun, you are ever succinct. When you stated "How does 40 years of that sound?", it resonated painfully but truthfully. It doesn't sound splendid. And I am thinking about taking my house off the market and letting my marriage air out. 40 years of this sounds heartbreaking.

Absolutely ,do not sell your house . Take it off the market right now . Unfortunately ,the man you married has no clue what marriage is. Marriage is a compromise and sacrifice . Forever compromising and sacrificing for the good of the other person . And if you are both doing that it's wonderful for the next 40 years .

Doing some math though your mother-in-law had him in her 40s and probably spoiled the snot out of him. He was the baby or any only and they get very spoiled at times . Though this is not her fault or problem anymore he's 38 years old and he needs to grow the hell up .

But from the sounds of it you're going to need everything that's yours . Don't bend into this fellow . Because obviously he's used to people bending if he blows a hissy. I wouldn't go to this wedding either even if he wants you to come afterwards don't bend. And he will just look like an idiot .