Can't endure this pain anymore ...

Oh god

It's been such a long long long tough day

I'm so tired. Both physically and mentally.

Everything in my life has been a total mess recently. Usually I'm a tough person. I go through hell and come back burning with strength. I handle things with an optimistic perspective.

This time i just can't find that strength in me.

I lost all my self confidence. I feel embarrassed and humiliated. I feel like a total failure. Am not getting anywhere near what i want. If anything, am actually going further away from that.

So tired of myself, so tired of trying. So tired of dreaming. So tired of not achieving.

Today I'm weak, lost, tired. Even my beloved ones aren't doing okay and this adds to my pain.

What am I doing wrong? What's wrong with dreaming and trying? What's wrong with leaving the comfort zone every now and then? What's wrong with being a nice tough person trying to be the best version of herself?

I keep failing again and again and again and again. They say failure brings you one more step closer to success. They say fall seven times and stand up eight. But am just sick of this. Am sick of my life and the useless piece of I have become. Sick of my ignorance, my lack of intelligence, my slow stupid mind and my low self esteem.

So damn sick of this life and I want it to end.

My dear self, I still love you, i still believe in you. But today am tired. Even self love takes much more efforr than the energy I'm left with right now.

Just the thought of how much pain is waiting for me to endure, how much failure and disappointment. How much responsibility I have to take. How much more I have to go through. All of this is just suffocating me. I don't even know if it's worth it anymore. Don't know if i want to live another day feeling the way I do right now.

Sarah. Don't let the goblins close in and win. Don't let their monologue get to you.

"Sick of my ignorance, my lack of intelligence, my slow stupid mind and my low self esteem."

You know very well you are none of these things.

Even my beloved ones aren't doing okay and this adds to my pain.

At least you got close people who love you. And if you truly love them, you wouldn't hurt them.

My best friend committed suicide 4 days ago. I have (...had...) only 2 best friends, and she was one of them. There is nothing that will bring her back. Our sisterhood is gone, and I am left with shattered pieces that I have to pick up. I haven't started counseling yet until next week and it still F'ing painful. I am a super tough person who rarely cries.. But I am experiencing crying spells left and right at random. They haven't gone away. I can't fully express how much pain I am going through, how difficult this to deal with. It's one thing to adjust to the death of someone from a natural cause or a disease, but it's another when the person you cared for deliberately ended it and you couldn't do a damn thing to stop it in time.

The only goddamn thing she left in this world was a suicide note. For me. And that is how I will remember her last moments... How she gave up instead of taking the help, support, and love that was offered to her by the many lives she has touched.

I'm not even sure how I am going to keep my S**t together at both her viewing and funeral. I have to drive to one of them alone because my husband is working and I live the farthest away. I really don't want to go to both events, but as her very close best friend and it's the right thing to do. It's what I have to do. And I am going to be surrounded by her friends and family, who are helpless, pissed off, and in anguish over a suicide.

Suicide destroys everybody. You may end your pain, but you hurt everyone who loves you. It is not fair to them. Please go and talk with your friends and family so that they can help you through your most difficult time. Failure is part of life's challenges and you need to learn how to grow from it. But you don't have to deal with them alone.

I strongly suggest you read my thread from a few days ago:

Dreaming and trying is admirable if anything else. A person who writes like this can't be incompetent. You just have burned out. Stop trying to achieve anything for a while, just quit for a period in order to regain your strength . Good luck!

At least you got close people who love you. And if you truly love them, you wouldn't hurt them.

 

My best friend committed suicide 4 days ago. I have (...had...) only 2 best friends, and she was one of them. There is nothing that will bring her back. Our sisterhood is gone, and I am left with shattered pieces that I have to pick up. I haven't started counseling yet until next week and it still F'ing painful. I am a super tough person who rarely cries.. But I am experiencing crying spells left and right at random. They haven't gone away. I can't fully express how much pain I am going through, how difficult this to deal with. It's one thing to adjust to the death of someone from a natural cause or a disease, but it's another when the person you cared for deliberately ended it and you couldn't do a damn thing to stop it in time.

 

The only goddamn thing she left in this world was a suicide note. For me. And that is how I will remember her last moments... How she gave up instead of taking the help, support, and love that was offered to her by the many lives she has touched.

 

I'm not even sure how I am going to keep my S**t together at both her viewing and funeral. I have to drive to one of them alone because my husband is working and I live the farthest away. I really don't want to go to both events, but as her very close best friend and it's the right thing to do. It's what I have to do. And I am going to be surrounded by her friends and family, who are helpless, pissed off, and in anguish over a suicide.

 

 

Suicide destroys everybody. You may end your pain, but you hurt everyone who loves you. It is not fair to them. Please go and talk with your friends and family so that they can help you through your most difficult time. Failure is part of life's challenges and you need to learn how to grow from it. But you don't have to deal with them alone.

This is heartbreaking. I am so sorry for your loss.

Big hug!

Why is that low-esteem? What's the reason behind this.