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Dating in the workplace - Ya or Nah?


Quirkster

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Not sure what to do with this one and wanted to get everyone's take on the hot topic of dating within the workplace. Generally speaking I try to avoid it at all costs, but then again the one that got away was also a co-worker.

 

Not ironically this new girl is shades of her - almost like life is sort of half jokingly going "Here's your do-over." We work on the same team, on the same floor, but sit a bit away from each other. At first I thought maybe I was just confusing her natural glow and smiley nature as flirtation, but last week as we were chatting on the way to the parking garage she made mention of a hotel bar next door that people use to kill time when there's too much traffic. She said we should check it out. Since I wasn't sure if by "we" she meant her and I or us and our colleagues. We were then chatting a bit on our work messenger the next day when I jokingly mentioned I was swamped and was gonna head next door and that she should come with. Her response was "I would be down."

 

I wanted to set up a happy hour or something right after that, but decided to hold off as I wrestle with this whole work thing. Not to mention I feel like my office has suddenly morphed into the movie "Something About Mary" as guys on my team sweat her all day long. They seriously find every reason they can to walk by her desk or get a word in edge wise. I tend to do the opposite, just don't want to be "that guy". Haven't really chatted her up at all since the hotel thing last week.

 

This girl is hitting all the marks for me - born in another country, law school ambitions, not blasting her life all over social media - I mean when we exchange glances whenever she walks by my desk I get that feeling in my chest that only a few girls in this life have made me feel. I purposely have to stop myself from looking sometimes as to not overdo it. We even have a mutual friend - whom she asked me about after she sent me a Facebook friend request (I rarely add people from work and prefaced her with that). Both of us were at a charity pool event last weekend and he let me know that she has a heart of gold.

 

Ya or Nah?

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I don't know if this is a traditional POV. But I find workplace relationships to be very high stakes.

 

Because of that, I would want to only pursue if you thought she could be THE ONE.

 

Are there any early deal breakers? If so, no.

 

If you start dating, get the tough conversations out of the way ASAP. Kids, money, religion, everything.

 

Try and assess compatibility right away so it can end quickly and you can continue amicably.

 

That's just my opinion.

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Definitely fine if you don't supervise each other or work closely together. Otherwise I wouldn't unless one of you plans to leave the company soon anyway. I originally met my husband at work. We never worked together, and it was highly unlikely we ever would. Our offices weren't near each other. We were very discreet and yet everyone knew (meaning everyone always knows). It was totally fine -I left the company about 7 months after we started dating but nothing to do with him.

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The workplace is a professional place not a pick up bar.

 

It will be distracting and it's not professional, without even going into how it will be should you two have a fight or break up. I thought people were smarter about these things these days and knew that work and romance do not mix, guess not.

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The workplace is a professional place not a pick up bar.

 

It will be distracting and it's not professional, without even going into how it will be should you two have a fight or break up. I thought people were smarter about these things these days and knew that work and romance do not mix, guess not.

 

I think the workplace is a great place to meet people with the conditions and precautions I recommended. I spent more than full time at my workplace and socialized with my colleagues too at company events (which is basically how I met my future husband). I think it's a shame to rule out the workplace entirely when it's so hard to find the right match.

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Nope. I wouldn't do it. Get to know her and when one of you transfers to another job ask her out. But she could be that way with everyone. And actually, people might come by her desk because they need to for work related things and you have an active imagination

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Nope. I wouldn't do it. Get to know her and when one of you transfers to another job ask her out. But she could be that way with everyone. And actually, people might come by her desk because they need to for work related things and you have an active imagination

 

Trust me, the guys are going over there for one thing. Her position isn't associated with anything which would require them to visit.

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I think the workplace is a great place to meet people with the conditions and precautions I recommended. I spent more than full time at my workplace and socialized with my colleagues too at company events (which is basically how I met my future husband). I think it's a shame to rule out the workplace entirely when it's so hard to find the right match.

 

That's kind of where I'm at with this at the moment. Hard to control when someone like this pops into your life.

 

I've always been very rigid about certain things when it comes to dating and I feel like I need to open up more and allow it to happen wherever it wants to.

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That's kind of where I'm at with this at the moment. Hard to control when someone like this pops into your life.

 

I've always been very rigid about certain things when it comes to dating and I feel like I need to open up more and allow it to happen wherever it wants to.

 

Lots of things are hard to control. I don't think you should date someone you work with on a team as I wrote above. There's a balance between "too rigid" and making harmful choices in the name of "go with the flow/be in the moment". Especially if you want something long term.

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Decide how important your job is to you and whether you're there to be professional at work, or whether you consider your job to be a dating pool. If it's a temp job and you're moving on to somewhere else, then play. If it's your financial lifeline and a developmental step in your career, I'd skip flirtation in order to be taken seriously about my judgment, and I'd treat any crush the same as I'd treat anyone else--with professionalism.

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I met my boyfriend through work but we work in a hospital that employs thousands on people. He worked in the administration department and I worked in the ward with patients. So we ran into each other once in the corridor. So can't really generalize that dating from work is not a good idea 😁

 

Anyway This is obviously different situation. When working in the same department and on the same team. It's possible to do but requires a lot of work. You need to make sure you are professional and don't make people around you uncomfortable. As long as it is low key and at work you are never a couple. I would try to avoid dating from same department but if you meet someone then why not (although I thought it's a bit odd to say that you've been looking for someone from a foreign country).

 

Once you are done with the flirty phase and decide to take it further then you need an honest conversation how it would be handled. And be careful with the flirting. It's very annoying and uncomfortable if it is noticeble.

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I met my boyfriend through work but we work in a hospital that employs thousands on people. He worked in the administration department and I worked in the ward with patients. So we ran into each other once in the corridor. So can't really generalize that dating from work is not a good idea 😁

 

Anyway This is obviously different situation. When working in the same department and on the same team. It's possible to do but requires a lot of work. You need to make sure you are professional and don't make people around you uncomfortable. As long as it is low key and at work you are never a couple. I would try to avoid dating from same department but if you meet someone then why not (although I thought it's a bit odd to say that you've been looking for someone from a foreign country).

 

Once you are done with the flirty phase and decide to take it further then you need an honest conversation how it would be handled. And be careful with the flirting. It's very annoying and uncomfortable if it is noticeble.

 

Well with me it's never a thing where I hang on people. In fact I'm probably the only guy on this floor right now not always trying to get her attention. I tend to remain more independent (sometimes to the point of appearing aloof).

 

This isn't a job I feel married too anymore and have been pretty unhappy here for the last year. I "think" I got the green light from her when she brought up the hotel bar stuff, but ya I'm also mindful of inviting drama in my workspace. She doesn't seem like that though and the mutual friend of ours never mentioned anything about her being a drama queen.

 

By the way let me clarify my remark about her not being from the States. I find American-born women these days have really poor values and consumed too much with all of the attention they're getting on social media. It's really bad in the city I live in, which is basically a vacation/resort town now. The international women I have met seemed to be less petty and carry themselves a little more elegantly.

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the way I see things:

 

to you what as more worth:

 

Her meaning she might be the one

Your job / career

 

pick one cause in the end you will have to choose. But I did meet people that turned out to be PERFECT for one another. The guy changed job and it was and still is perfect

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I have friends that met on the job. He was in the "forbidden" supervisory role over her. They will be celebrating their 21st wedding anniversary this year.

 

Common sense applies in all relationships regardless of where you meet.

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the way I see things:

 

to you what as more worth:

 

Her meaning she might be the one

Your job / career

 

pick one cause in the end you will have to choose. But I did meet people that turned out to be PERFECT for one another. The guy changed job and it was and still is perfect

 

In theory the thought of her is worth more than this job at the moment.

 

Of course as of the moment kind of getting the cold shoulder so this conversation kind of feels pointless. Such is life.

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Of course as of the moment kind of getting the cold shoulder so this conversation kind of feels pointless. Such is life.

 

One of the risks of trying to poach dates at work is that most people don't buy into the vision that that's appropriate. They won't look kindly on unprofessional judgment. Viewing your job as a dating pool can set you up for a lousy rep--which isn't exactly attractive to potential dates. It can create both social and professional barriers for you. I'd rethink the practice.

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One of the risks of trying to poach dates at work is that most people don't buy into the vision that that's appropriate. They won't look kindly on unprofessional judgment. Viewing your job as a dating pool can set you up for a lousy rep--which isn't exactly attractive to potential dates. It can create both social and professional barriers for you. I'd rethink the practice.

 

I get it - trust me.

 

Understand though that I'm typically very rigid about where I "look" when it comes to dating. Within the office space is generally not something I look to do for obvious reasons, but like I mentioned in my original post the one who got away was a co-worker. Hell, there are two people directly on my team who are also dating people here, but different departments though.

 

I think maybe this perceived opportunity came and went though. She's not really chatting me up at all or doing anything low-key flirty. Any conversations have been initiated by yours truly. I consider her gesture about the hotel bar just casual conversation for now. But man it felt good to have someone spark my attention like that, because it doesn't happen a whole lot. I miss the feeling of being crazy about someone.

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Not ironically this new girl is shades of her - almost like life is sort of half jokingly going "Here's your do-over." We work on the same team, on the same floor, but sit a bit away from each other. At first I thought maybe I was just confusing her natural glow and smiley nature as flirtation, but last week as we were chatting on the way to the parking garage she made mention of a hotel bar next door that people use to kill time when there's too much traffic. She said we should check it out. Since I wasn't sure if by "we" she meant her and I or us and our colleagues. We were then chatting a bit on our work messenger the next day when I jokingly mentioned I was swamped and was gonna head next door and that she should come with. Her response was "I would be down."

 

I wanted to set up a happy hour or something right after that, but decided to hold off as I wrestle with this whole work thing. Not to mention I feel like my office has suddenly morphed into the movie "Something About Mary" as guys on my team sweat her all day long. They seriously find every reason they can to walk by her desk or get a word in edge wise. I tend to do the opposite, just don't want to be "that guy". Haven't really chatted her up at all since the hotel thing last week.

 

Re-reading this. I seriously want to kill that part of my psyche once and for all - the part constantly looking for reinforcement. Instead of striking while the iron is hot, I commonly recoil for more due diligence. Everything's a thought process with me instead of acting naturally.

 

Should have just been an instant "sure when do you want to go?" or hell even pick the time myself. Grab a drink, chat with her, and not overthink it beyond that.

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So I pinged her on Monday at work. We briefly chatted about this past Sunday Funday we both had when she mentioned she was going to message me about a man in a romper she saw (inside joke we have), but decided not too. At that point I'm like alright enough's enough if she doesn't even feel compelled to hit me up when we're both out in the same area then there's no interest.

 

I went full on "ghost" after not seeing an reciprocation. That meant no communication, no exchanging glances, no messaging her - basically like she's not even here. Most of the time I have my headphones on engaged with my screen. So now she goes and ramps up on the walk-by's by my desk the rest of the week. Seriously today alone it had to have been 8-9 times. A handful of the times out of the corner of my eye I caught her trying to smile and make eye contact with me while I was chatting a colleague in the area, but I wasn't having any of it. Total Pavlov's dog.

 

I don't even know how it got to this point, but I had to do it considering SHE'S the one who suggested at one point we hit the hotel bar up next door. She sent me a friend request - only to me and none of our other co-workers. Yet she doesn't initiate any conversations on her own and will happily chat up the slobbering married or relationship guys in the office. I hate it, but had to.

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  • 2 weeks later...

"If you want to improve, be content to be thought foolish and stupid." - Epictetus

 

In the past I have always seemed to come up with reasons why I shouldn't follow my gut in these situations - like how this one's not initiating conversation enough or flirting enough. There's also the "co-worker" element which is far too convenient for me to cling to as a reason not to act. It's funny because I have a co-worker who sits near me who insists that he can tell she's into me, but yet I focus on reasons why she might not be.

 

I'm going to do this. I'm just going to ask if she's ready for that drink next door and in the end stay the mature, drama-free individual that I am.

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"I'm just going to ask if she's ready for that drink next door and in the end stay the mature, drama-free individual that I am."

 

In my opinion, don't ask. I would say something like, "I'm thinkin' now's about the perfect time to hit up next door," with a grin on my face. If she stalls, say, "Well come on," kind of with a country accent and a grin. If she says anything to the effect of, "Not right now," I'd say, "Okay, well I'm going." and I'd walk off perhaps. I doubt she'll stall or back out though. Not if she's into you.

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