The trials of pregnancy, labor, and new motherhood

My first child was born 4 months ago, and she is very healthy and delightful and adorable. In many ways I should consider myself lucky. I have a very supportive, helpful and kind husband. My daughter sleeps through the night. However, I'm having a really hard time!

The pregnancy was miserable for me. The first trimester I was terribly nauseated. Second trimester, I had a nonstop horrible headache plus sciatica. Third trimester, nausea returned and back problems worsened and I couldn't sleep more than 2 hours per night due to the pain. Leading up to my induction (she was 9 days late), I hadn't slept in days. I was very worried I wouldn't have energy to push her out!

Somehow I managed to avoid a C-section. It was a traumatic experience for me, though. They messed up the epidural and the pain came raging back after an hour, so they decided to re-do it. Well, somehow they messed that up, and my head/face/neck went numb! I was terrified, thought I would be permanently paralyzed or die. My blood pressure shot up to over 190/100 (when it had been around 120/70) but they didn't even give me any BP meds or do anything (which is against the ACOG guidelines). Thank goodness it wasn't pre-eclampsia. The stress apparently sped along the labor and soon after I was pushing. Even though I'd had an epidural, I could feel one of the nurses jamming her hands into me and stretching me out, apparently to help the baby's head pop out. I don't know if that is normal protocol but I sure doubt it. They stitched me up afterwards. As a result of that, it's been 4 months and I still have not fully healed down there. Every time I use the bathroom is painful. I went to the dr about it and they simply said I needed more time to heal and checked for UTI (negative). Well, that was 2+ months ago, and nothing has changed.

After the trauma of a 20+ hour labor and not sleeping at all for days, I immediately had to start breastfeeding. No rest for the weary! They started explaining how to change her diaper, etc. Didn't care about my health and exhaustion one bit. When I mentioned how exhausted and in pain I was, they just laughed and said "Welcome to motherhood!"

The breastfeeding was the worst part. It turned out my daughter had a tongue tie, which made breastfeeding exceptionally painful and difficult. For the first month, I did nothing but struggle through the pain. I was told she needed to feed every 2 hours around the clock. Well, each feeding was such a struggle that it typically lasted 1.5-2 hours. Typically I'd spent 18-20 hours on breastfeeding activities, and the remainder of the time changing diapers, burping her, or trying to eat/sleep. Thankfully, she had a tongue-tie removal and after several more weeks, breastfeeding was no longer painful. In fact, I was getting in a good breastfeeding rhythm and was able to sleep for 6 hours in the night without awakening with painful engorgement.

That all ended when my maternity leave ended. I have a rather stressful job in health care where time management is critical. Now I have to leave every 3 hours to pump milk. The pumping isn't nearly as effective as actual breastfeeding. Instead, it stimulates more milk production and I've been getting horrible engorgement and clogged ducts every time I work. Then on my days off I spend all my time either breastfeeding or trying to massage out the clogs or walking around with cabbage in my bra. The massaging is terribly painful, but if I don't get the clogs out it could progress to mastitis, which I understand to be much worse. So it is a huge stressor. I decided to try to hand express and not use the pump, but the day I did that, hand expression took 5 times as long as pumping, and I ended up bruising my breasts so badly that I couldn’t lie on them that night to sleep. Moreover, I still had overproduction of milk. So I'm back to barely sleeping again, with my heart racing every night before trying to go to sleep as I wonder how long I'll last before I wake up with engorgement, how bad will the clogs be, how long will it take to unclog them, how hungry will my daughter be, will she be able to remove the clogs, will she wake up in the night if I need to feed her?

Now my daughter and I are both sick. She started daycare three weeks ago, only 2 days a week, but already she has gotten ill! Never had gotten sick before. Trying to care for her while I’m sick myself is a challenge. Since I’ve lost my voice, I can’t talk or sing to her, and singing is her favorite! I lip synched to a couple videos of myself singing, and she liked that until she figured out it wasn’t me singing right then.

My husband and I just bought a new house. We have two months to pack and organize all the renovations we want to do. Not sure how we'll get all that done when we're barely slogging through as is! Our current house is chaos. I want to have energy to pack and plan things for the new house, but I have none.

Just needed a place to vent about this. If I ever mention how hard it is to anyone, all I get is the same cliché: “welcome to motherhood!” My mom has been nice and helpful, but she gets disturbed if I sound too negative, and she lives a 4-hour drive away. She raised me as a single mom while also completing a PhD, writing her dissertation, and writing a separate unrelated novel. She had a much harder time that I did in many ways. I don’t know how she did that!!

Anyone have similar experiences? If so, how did you deal with it?

The first year of parenthood is really hard. The scary memories of birth do fade with time. ( my son's birth was dramatic in that I need an immediate D&C for hemorrhage while I was awake)

My son never slept, he ate every two hours around the clock . He was a pretty high maintenance infant.

I get where you're coming from. ( my son is older now though almost 20 )

I'm not sure about advice because everybody's experiences are so different . Just know that there are so many parents out there that are feeling everything you do.

You can stop breastfeeding -- it is not the end of the world. I should add that I am a big breastfeeding advocate and nursed my daughter until she was 2-1/2, but I had a really easy time of it. Hundreds of millions of American babies have been healthfully raised on formula (I actually wrote my master's thesis on this) and since she has already been nursed for a few months she has gained many of the immunity benefits already. It sounds like that would take a lot of stress and strain off your life.

Also, movers can pack you!!! Yes indeed, it costs money, but it is a wonderful thing. You need to start thinking more in terms of farming out work instead of taking on more. And stop comparing yourself to your mother, your life is different, you are different, you are getting a lot done, appreciate yourself.

Motherhood is a big adjustment, it is fine that you are not chipper and delighted all the time. It is perfectly normal.

The first year of parenthood is really hard.

 

I'm not sure about advice because everybody's experiences are so different . Just know that there are so many parents out there that are feeling everything you do.

I agree with the above. The first year is really tough. I had the most horrendous pregnancies, ended up in hospital on IV for 2-3 months with both my kids (first pregnancy ended in miscarriage). I actually LOST weight. Both kids born full term but weighed less than premature babies - very underweight. Feeding every 2 hours for weeks and weeks etc. My daughter in particular had a rough start, very frail, very very tiny child, asthma, allergies etc. Just thinking about those days gives me nightmares. I could go on and on and on but no need.

But hey, both grown and thriving. I survived it all too, as most mothers do. And you will too. And yes, one could say "welcome to motherhood" - it truly changes your life forever. Hardest and toughest job in the world (imo).

I have two children, one natural and the 2nd a Csection.

After my first delivery, which I won't go into, but it was a typical nightmare of everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

I was in the hospital for 8 days after a `natural' delivery and due to a change in medication, I had to pump in the interim.

The pediatrician who checked on my son everyday took one look at me and said `there's no reason to try to be Super Mom. Give that

baby a bottle" Which was surprising coming from a pediatrician because they are typically advocates for breast feeding. I stopped

pumping that day and for that matter didn't breast feed my 2nd child either.

I had an elective csection with my 2nd son due to the damage done the first time.

Some may argue with me, but I don't feel my kids missed out on anything otherwise and I was definitely less stressed. They were fat and happy

and slept through the night.

Just one example. Not trying to talk you out of breastfeeding. It's great it you can do it. But don't feel guilty if you choose not to.

Oh my goodness yes.

I no longer know how I got through much of anything, and now they are in high school and they are turning out every bit as amazing and wonderful as I could hope for.

I think there is something telling in the fact that with child #2, I let go of my attention to detail in many respects. I learned to let go, in fact, as a theme about how to live. Best lesson ever.

I agree. Stop the breastfeeding.

I breastfed both my children. I had problems for the first 4 weeks and after that it was plain sailing. For me, Pumping never caused any of the problems that you are experiencing. I wonder are you pumping too much ie more than your daughter would have if she were feeding directly?

Anyways at this stage if you are suffering from engorgement and pain after 4 months , this is where formula is a gift. Use it. The pain and stress you are feeling will only hinder your care for your child so try to eliminate the cause of it which sounds to be the pain that you are in.

is there anyway you can find a closer daycare so you can breastfeed your daughter at your lunch time? Also, if pumping is painful, have you tried a manual pump, a different type, etc?

Thank you for all the helpful replies! Hearing others' experiences definitely helps a lot! Thank you!! It's crazy to think that many women must go through really difficult and painful experiences having children, and yet no one really talks about it. Yes, I suppose it is taboo, because if we complain about it, it sounds like we don't love our children enough, which of course is NOT the case! Society believes we must just soldier ahead and endure whatever pains come our way and keeps our mouths shut, because we chose to be mothers and this is just part of motherhood. It seems so wrong to me.

Despite not even working today, I'm clogged again, and in abject misery. It seems hopeless, such a large portion is clogged. It feels like large sheets of thick metal are under 1/3 of my breast.

Unfortunately with my job, I work 10-hr shifts and I am not allowed to leave the premises. My husband has been bringing my daughter to work on the weekends so I can feed her in the middle of my shift.

The daycare is supposed to be one of the best in town. It's also right next to my husband's workplace, so he can visit her on breaks. The thing I find off-putting is that my daughter smells like perfume every time she comes home from daycare! Don't daycares have no-perfume/no scented body lotion policies? I am afraid to inquire about that because I don't want the caregivers to turn against me and potentially not provide my daughter with as much attention & care. The smell of the perfume gives me an instant headache and I'm sure it's not good for my baby girl to breathe in.

I have only tried the Medela pump. The pumping itself doesn't hurt, it's just that it seems to lead to more clogging and my breasts fill up with milk really quickly! I am sure I'm not pumping too much because on the contrary it always seems like I barely have enough milk for Sylvia's daycare. She's always really famished when I come home, poor thing. I could easily pump more but am too scared to stimulate even more milk production. Yes, I should try another pump and see if it works better for me.

I am scared to start weaning. I've read it is really painful and miserable, and that's coming from people who didn't have overproduction issues. Ideally, at 6 months I could feed her every morning and evening/before bed -- three feedings -- then supplement with feel food/organic formula.

When in desperation I mentioned to my husband that we get some backup formula for days when we might not have enough milk (because if I pump on days I'm at home with the baby, the clogged ducts/overproduction becomes an absolute nightmare), he did not seem receptive. It's clear he wants to breastfeed her only, although he acts sympathetic to me. All the literature says it's best for baby's health to breastfeed, so that's what he wants to do, although he doesn't say that explicitly. Instead whenever I suggest formula (mind you, just for emergencies!) he just kinda makes a face and it's obvious he doesn't like the idea.

Well, he's not the one with painful boobs right?

As far as perfume smell I would bring it up . I work in a daycare and no daycare worker is going to neglect the child because you brought up a perfume smell .

Feel so hopeless. Called in sick from work and was hoping I could stay home and rest. Besides the stress of calling in sick (see other thread), and being sick, I also have a horribly clogged breast. Half of it is a brick and even when I pump NOTHING comes out. It has never been this bad. Even though I had daycare for my daughter today, I decided to keep her at home so she could breastfeed and hopefully remove the clogs. Since the clogging I fed her last night at 7pm, 10pm, 3am, 8am, and 10:30am, but nothing works. Last night I took a hot shower, massaged the clogs, tried pumping, and no success. Sometimes I can sleep it off, but I couldn't sleep last night again. I wanted to nap during the day while daughter was at daycare, but can't nap in this condition. Now I can't rest at all because I have to take care of the baby. I am in such pain. Dr just says to keep nursing as much as possible. It's crazy that with all the prescription drugs out there, and all the different medical devices, no one has devised anything to remove breast duct clogs! Why? It seems like it would be a lucrative business. There has to be a better way to stop this suffering!!!

I'm a guy and I thought pregnancy and the first 6 months was hell. My wife had preeclampsia and had her bp hit 240/170. Our daughter had ear infections all the time and i averaged about 2 hours a sleep a night. My wife and I would break down in the shower and have crying fits daily. I had to be the main person to take care of our daughter because my wife's bp wouldn't go down for 3 months after.

I would definitely recommend stopping breastfeeding. The pros of breastfeeding don't outweigh the insanity you are giving yourself. My wife stopped at 9 months and wish she stopped at 3.

The first 6 months are hell. But my wife still wanted to have another so badly not even 2 years later. Memory is a funny thing.

Wow, that sounds awful. I wish I had known what it would be like beforehand. Yes, this is hell. How can people live on so little sleep? I'm sure it takes off many years of one's life. It's so unhealthy.

If I stop breastfeeding, I'll probably get even worse clogs. from what I'm read, weaning can take months, and it's very painful even for women without overproduction issues like I have. Frankly, I am terrified to wean. Obviously I'll have to do it at some point though.

Weaning needs to take place at sometime, you're right. Sure,it's painful initially but it gets better quickly. No demand no supply. Think at this point if breast-feeding has caused entire chaos in your whole life it's not worth it . Some people have an easy time of breast-feeding some people don't . And you might have more success the second time around if you have other kids .

My wife took 4 days of extremely painful engorgment before it got better after weaning. I do honestly feel like it took a little time off our lives. I can't imagine how single parents do it, my wife is a champ and I worked a ton and still it was insane. It does get better though.

If you are having a hard time ask your husband if he can help more. Or try to get extended family to help. My wife had some bad depression that i didn't even know about until after a couple months. Once I found out about it I helped more than I thought I even had in me.

Just look to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Some babies are also better breast feeders than others too. Mentoring sometimes helps too. One of our moms has had 6 babies in 9 years and has breast fed them all. Maybe find an experienced breast feeding mom that can give tips.

What about getting a second opinion about your wounds. If you are still in pain, etc, maybe your maternity leave should have been extended or maybe the doctor will tell you you need a little more time off.

My wife took 4 days of extremely painful engorgment before it got better after weaning. I do honestly feel like it took a little time off our lives. I can't imagine how single parents do it, my wife is a champ and I worked a ton and still it was insane. It does get better though.

And yet you had a second child a couple years later? Wow! I think this will be our one and only, for sure.

If you are having a hard time ask your husband if he can help more. Or try to get extended family to help. My wife had some bad depression that i didn't even know about until after a couple months. Once I found out about it I helped more than I thought I even had in me.

What kinds of things did you do to help?

I'm not sure exactly why my wife wanted to again. We talked about waiting but she became very insistent. I tried to remind her how rough it was but I couldn't. She got me onboard after she held to her guns for awhile.

I helped her by getting our daughter and bringing her to my wife for ever night feeding. I've actually held my daughter while she feeds and my wife sleeps (this took awhile of feeding experience before my wife could sleep while feeding). I also took our daughter and watched her for about 2 to 3 hours everyday when I got home from work so my wife could sleep.

I would kick her out of the house so she wouldn't get cabin fever as badly. I changed all diapers when I was with my daughter, even with this my wife still changed more.

I took FMLA and watched her for 2 weeks so my wife could have family time with all of us but not be solely responsible for her.

I was scared ****less about taking full responsibility for my daughter but i had to dive into it. After I did my wife and I got a good groove. I let my wife take "crying showers" as often as she needed.

It was very very hard but it was still worse for her. Better to equally damage bother of our sanity than one of us go totally crazy.

I grew up very poor and my family didn't have the "luxury" to have sexist job roles. My wife and I split everything as evenly as possible. Pregnancy is obviously going to be hard to equalize between genders so I should naturally have to do a lot to even try.

Ballerinababe, mom to mom. It's not at all the flip "welcome to motherhood". PLEASE. I want mostly (if not all) to extend you my support, a cyberhug, an "I can relate!", a "I hope you feel validated and encouraged by all these posters lending support" and that's mostly what I want to write because sure I can give a lot of input, loads, but I hesitate because every experience is different, every baby. My baby is now 8 and in the first year of his life I had a stroke (blamed on the pregnancy but I recovered really quickly), got married, relocated from my hometown of 43 years, became unemployed for the first time in my adult life (other than when I was a full time student), etc.

I had so much trouble breastfeeding those first 12 days -no supply, tough feeding times, etc. On day 12 I had the stroke "oh, blood thinners won't get into your breast milk" - well, no, I wasn't going there because how many of such studies have been done anyway? So I stopped, with my husband's full support and encouragement and I will tell you -with a nice percentage of relief. He took wonderfully to formula (he had already had some both when he was a newborn briefly in the NICU and maybe we supplemented those first 12 days, don't recall).

So I'll share with you what I hope isn't too cliche but might help you.

It takes a village. If someone offers you any kind of help that you believe might be helpful at all, say thank you and take it. No apologies, no hesitation -take it. If it's not going to be helpful say no even if it's well-intentioned/well-meaning. It's ok to feel like the B word sometimes if the alternative choice is even more sleep deprivation, stress etc.

Feel free to ask for help. This is the time.

I am really sorry you and your baby were/are sick!! That sucks. And I didn't work outside the home the first 7 years (he is 8) but I can relate a minor bit to your stress of having to call in and say you can't make it -so far I have only had to do that once because my child was sick and my husband had to work and it was only to reschedule one phone call but still it wasn't easy or pleasant.

Whether you decide to keep on with the nursing, switch to formula, do both, whatever - "fed is best" IMO and more than that - whatever you choose will be the right choice for you and your family - you count too!!

You've got this, you can do this, I promise you it gets better (and even your upcoming decision about how to feed will, whatever you decide, relieve some of the pressure because I know you've reached a point where you will choose the way that relieves pressure -including physical- as you should), and do what you need to do to keep yourself as even keeled as possible - for me it was exercise (while wearing the baby!) and later breathing exercises, and talking on the phone to certain people. On that note -be selective about who you interact with - I am an extrovert and felt like I needed a lot more space as a new mom-socializing exhausted me. (I posted threads about that back then) - if someone starts wanting you to momsplain everything you choose, or gives you input when you haven't asked, or tries to convince you to do something out of your comfort zone (I will never forget the older relative who wanted to give me a break at a family gathering "I'll take the baby in the stroller for a walk around the block" and I thought "um, you're unsteady on your feet and blind -only peripheral vision - and these are busy city streets, um nope" and I said "I would love to take a walk WITH YOU and little one around the block!) just say no. You can be polite, civil (or nearly so) and take care of you and your baby.

As far as the baby getting sick at daycare I've heard about that happening, it's typical, and when you have a moment to exhale or breathe or whatever maybe it wouldn't hurt to reevaluate the cleanliness of the environment/staff ,etc - but it sounds, unfortunately, typical.

I wish you -and your family -all the best. It will get better soon. Hang in there. And when you post about how your baby gazed into your eyes with that "wow you're my MOM!!!" I might then say "welcome to motherhood!"

Today was another rough day! Couldn't sleep again. Only slept maybe 2 hrs. Went into work at 9am, greeted with a note saying the technician who helps me greatly wouldn't be coming to work today, and that we were getting a huge order in. Great. I tried to pump around 10:30am only to discover I'd forgotten to bring the pump!! My wonderful husband left work, drove home and got the pump and brought it to me. By that time I desperately needed to pump, so I went into the room I've been using to pump (and was told I could use). Well, I opened the door and was told that all rooms were reserved today for job interviews! I asked where I could pump and the reply was,

"You can pump during the times we're not in here," to which I asked,

"When will that be?"

"I'm not sure, but check back a bit later."

!!!!!

Every time I pump, I have to shut down the entire pharmacy. I can't just wait around for a room!

I went into a brief panic until I stopped into an optical center and was told I could use the optometrist's office to pump. Thank goodness for that, but I shouldn't be forced to beg random offices to use their facilities.

Then I was so busy I had no time to eat anything, and when I got home my daughter was crying to eat, so I had to feed her, and then we didn't have any food for dinner, so I biked to the store, and by the time dinner was ready, it was almost 10pm, and I hadn't eaten anything for over 24 hours.

Now I'm rushing to finish eating and post this before I have to feed her again.

Will respond to the other posts soon, thank you Batya and alchemist!

Well, all I can say is that you are a real champ. I gave up breastfeeding almost immediately because I had a breast infection and also my daughter did not seem to know what to do when it came to breastfeeding. I was really fed up and just told the doctor to dry me up. I just couldn't take it anymore. chi

I have a 9.5-month-old who is the joy and love of my life. I can tell you that it DOES get easier. The first few months are the hardest, for sure.

I'm a huge advocate for breastfeeding and plan to continue until one of us is totally over it (I'm thinking 14-18 months), but it takes a lot of time and dedication, and since I work from home, I don't have to worry about pumping or dealing with any of that. I just feed on demand. So if BFing is making life much harder for you, then stop. As beneficial as it is, your baby needs a happy, less-stressed mommy more than she needs your breast milk.

If you want to chat with someone else also experiencing new mommyhood, feel free to message me!

I have a 9.5-month-old who is the joy and love of my life. I can tell you that it DOES get easier. The first few months are the hardest, for sure.

 

I'm a huge advocate for breastfeeding and plan to continue until one of us is totally over it (I'm thinking 14-18 months), but it takes a lot of time and dedication, and since I work from home, I don't have to worry about pumping or dealing with any of that. I just feed on demand. So if BFing is making life much harder for you, then stop. As beneficial as it is, your baby needs a happy, less-stressed mommy more than she needs your breast milk.

 

If you want to chat with someone else also experiencing new mommyhood, feel free to message me!

Wow, how do you get any work done at home when your baby is there with you?

Just over 6 months and I'm still breastfeeding. A couple weeks ago my milk supply slowed down finally and I haven't been waking up in the night with painful engorgement. However, now when I pump instead of having an abundance of milk, I have just barely enough. It's a new kind of stress to deal with. I just bought some Mother's Milk tea to see if it might help.

Wow, how do you get any work done at home when your baby is there with you?

Just over 6 months and I'm still breastfeeding. A couple weeks ago my milk supply slowed down finally and I haven't been waking up in the night with painful engorgement. However, now when I pump instead of having an abundance of milk, I have just barely enough. It's a new kind of stress to deal with. I just bought some Mother's Milk tea to see if it might help.

As hard as the days/nights are remember please to count your blessings and if you can do breathing exercises while you count them even better -from the mom of an 8 year old - a tired mom given 8 year old's 24 hour bug simultaneous with getting busy at my part time job. Juggling galore and I remembered to count my blessings last night (one of which that I could sleep in my own bed and not worry about him getting dehydrated, etc)

Good luck with the nursing! I nursed for 12 days and had to/chose to stop for several reasons.