My mom says I'm selfish and greedy

Last week my sister and my cousin were talking about taking a weekend trip to Las Vegas for my sister birthday. My sister is married and will be taking her babies and husband along. I don't feel like going to Vegas because I'm low on money and I'm trying to prepare to move at the end of July and I'm kinda worried that my finances won't allow me but I want to try to move because I'm really unhappy where I am. I did mention that I would like to go and I would try because it sounds fun but then once the excitement wore off I told my sister I wouldn't be going. My mom found out and said that I shouldn't have mention I might go if I wasn't going and I'm selfish and I only want to do things that I want to do. I'm like huh? Then my sister says she always has to BEG people to go with her somewhere. Mind you she goes to Vegas like every 6 months with her hubby and I have gone a couple times..but I just don't want to go. Then my mom says she will pay for everything. I don't want my mom paying for me to go to Vegas. They are not talking to me now. They say I complain and never want to do anything. I go see them often, I text with them all day. I don't understand why they are treating me this way. I got so upset that I let it spill that I am depressed an on anti depressants and guess what? They didn't care and still carried on about Vegas. What am I supposed to do? I just don't feel in the mood. Then they brought up me going somewhere for my own birthday. I might do something small for my birthday but I won't be driving over 4 hours anywhere and I'm pretty sure my boyfriend will be taking me out lol its my birthday but its not a big deal to me idk. I'm 35 so these things are nice but not a big deal to me. I just fee like total crap now because I feel like I don't deserve all of this over a trip to vegas.

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Other people's opinion of you is none of your business. So your mom thinks of you in this way. So what. She's nothing special herself. Don't change who you are just because of your mom's opinion.

I think you should do what you want to do and if you dont want to go to Vegas, then dont go. Save your money to move.

There is a huge difference between a conversation expressing hurt, and name calling for the purpose of manipulation.

If your sister is truly hurt by this, she can say things like, "It's very important to me that you come with me because of xyz. I feel hurt that you won't come."

That's not what was said. Instead they've attacked your character. That's what people do when you don't do what they want you to do. They hope you'll prove you're not selfish by doing what they want. Don't fall for it.

I've been having the same "discussion" with my family recently. I am selfish - according to them - because I want my next vacation for myself. I don't want to travel to see them in cities I've been traveling to (or lived in) for years. I'm 52, and have never had my own vacation. It's always visiting family. Yet they never visit me, and I live in a vacation spot.

They call it selfish. I call it well deserved time doing what I want to do. When they tell me I'm selfish, I just say ok. No sense arguing.

There is also no sense in hurting yourself to try and make others happy.

Sorry everyone I logged out yesterday because I was so upset. I feel a bit better today. I really need to take your advice and do what makes me happy. I feel like a lot of my depression is hinged on trying to please others!

There is a huge difference between a conversation expressing hurt, and name calling for the purpose of manipulation.

 

If your sister is truly hurt by this, she can say things like, "It's very important to me that you come with me because of xyz. I feel hurt that you won't come."

 

That's not what was said. Instead they've attacked your character. That's what people do when you don't do what they want you to do. They hope you'll prove you're not selfish by doing what they want. Don't fall for it.

 

I've been having the same "discussion" with my family recently. I am selfish - according to them - because I want my next vacation for myself. I don't want to travel to see them in cities I've been traveling to (or lived in) for years. I'm 52, and have never had my own vacation. It's always visiting family. Yet they never visit me, and I live in a vacation spot.

 

They call it selfish. I call it well deserved time doing what I want to do. When they tell me I'm selfish, I just say ok. No sense arguing.

 

There is also no sense in hurting yourself to try and make others happy.

Sounds very familiar to my situation. They are constantly going to Vegas and Vegas is cool but I don't enjoy it all that much.

I think the best thing going forward is "let me check. I'll get back to you" and then "no" or "i can't make a trip right now, but what about X instead?" rather than saying you are alll in and then changing your mind. It just makes things less stressful that way because at that point they could have been counting on you going. The thing is - if you say its about money and then they offer to pay because they want you there - then the only conclusion they can make is that you don't want to be with them. I know its not going to change them, but maybe it will help manage them better. I think the fact that you are getting ready to move is excuse enough (lots to pack, lots to do) but next time they bake up some plan, i'd have a reason ready.

Also, maybe the underlying thing is that they really want to spend time together - just the girls. Do you ever plan to go to lunch or spend the day with them so they get some time?

I wouldn't want to go to Las Vegas, either, so i don't blame you.

I think the best thing going forward is "let me check. I'll get back to you" and then "no" or "i can't make a trip right now, but what about X instead?" rather than saying you are alll in and then changing your mind. It just makes things less stressful that way because at that point they could have been counting on you going. The thing is - if you say its about money and then they offer to pay because they want you there - then the only conclusion they can make is that you don't want to be with them. I know its not going to change them, but maybe it will help manage them better. I think the fact that you are getting ready to move is excuse enough (lots to pack, lots to do) but next time they bake up some plan, i'd have a reason ready.

 

Also, maybe the underlying thing is that they really want to spend time together - just the girls. Do you ever plan to go to lunch or spend the day with them so they get some time?

 

I wouldn't want to go to Las Vegas, either, so i don't blame you.

I told her I would try. I didn't say I would definitely go. And yes I spend practically every weekend over my mom/sisters house. Its like its never enough. Its not even a girls trip my sister is taking her husband. I would be with my mom I guess.

Sorry if I sound mad. I guess I'm still upset because now they are forcing me to go and guilting me again. I'm so exhausted.

Shoebaby.

I feel like a lot of my depression is hinged on trying to please others!"

It is important to get out of that dynamic (people-pleaser or the "disease to please".

It's a book

The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome

by Harriet Braiker

"People pleasers are not just nice people who go overboard trying to make everyone happy. Those who suffer from the Disease to Please are people who say "Yes" when they really want to say "No." For them, the uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others is an addiction. Their debilitating fears of anger and confrontation force them to use "niceness" and "people-pleasing" as self-defense camouflage."

she yelled and screamed at me all night and I cracked. I'm going to Vegas. I feel so trapped sometimes. I'm moving soon and I don't want anyone to help me move, I want it to be a good peaceful time for myself but I feel they will force themselves in and it will be really stressful for me. I can't handle this anymore. I feel so tired and sad today.

Why are you so compelled by others. I would bet you are depressed when you do what other people tell you with a complete disregard for what you want.

You are an adult. If my mom was yelling at me I would hang up or leave. No one is forcing you to do anything.

If you don't want to go then just say it. You don't even need to give an excuse.

You should really stand up for yourself.

Why are you so compelled by others. I would bet you are depressed when you do what other people tell you with a complete disregard for what you want.

 

You are an adult. If my mom was yelling at me I would hang up or leave. No one is forcing you to do anything.

 

If you don't want to go then just say it. You don't even need to give an excuse.

 

You should really stand up for yourself.

I'm trying so hard. I guess its because its family. If it were anyone else I would tell them to go to hell. Ugh why is this so freaking hard for me?!

Why is it so hard for you?

I don't know why but it is very easy for me.

Shoebaby.

"she yelled and screamed at me all night and I cracked. "

What you are describing is like third-degree torture. I don't care who they are. These are tormentors, not "family".

It is unfortunate that one can choose one's friends but not one's family......

I realize its very very bad but I have so much guilt when she does this because she's getting older and she says that one day she will be dead and I will regret not spending time with her. I feel so guilty because when I am in tough times she helps me. I try to help her and be there for her too but I guess....I don't know the answer. I thought family was supposed to be supportive of each other. I'm realizing that it is not my family. Since I started taking my meds and exercising and meditating I realized that when she talks to me I get upset and tense.

This is emotional blackmail, SB. Don't fall for it.

and she says that one day she will be dead and I will regret not spending time with her.

You must work on this guilt-tripping SB. Truly.

"Family" is all too often just a myth, unfortunately.

I go see them often, I text with them all day. I don't understand why they are treating me this way. I got so upset that I let it spill that I am depressed an on anti depressants and guess what? They didn't care and still carried on about Vegas. What am I supposed to do? I just don't feel in the mood. Then they brought up me going somewhere for my own birthday.

I told her I would try. I didn't say I would definitely go. And yes I spend practically every weekend over my mom/sisters house. Its like its never enough. Its not even a girls trip my sister is taking her husband. I would be with my mom I guess.

The problem for some people is saying

"I'll try"

"sorry i can't go"

Them: YOU DIDN"T TRY HARD ENOUGH

Learn to maintain your boundaries ie. its okay to say NOOO

And if after saying NO upfront with no "dance" of you being partially committal and them bullying you into caving, they start bellyaching, yoiu end the conversation - brightly say "I am sure you will have a great time. Tell me how the new show is" and tell them you have to go.

SB.

"Toxic Parents; Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life"

by Susan Forward "

I would ignore anyone who is trying to manipulate me through emotional blackmail. I wouldn't be rude or aggressive back to her when she does it, I would just ignore her and do what I need to do. Your mom has some big issues if she is trying that. Very immature.

You can't control your mom though. You can only control you. Despite what you think your mom doesn't have any power over you that you don't give her. I would be assertive with your answers in the future too. Just say no.

I recommend reading up on "boundaries". It was revelation to me. A friend lent me tapes and it really was a game changer

I recommend reading up on "boundaries". It was revelation to me. A friend lent me tapes and it really was a game changer

Thank you I will look into this. I did look into in the past regarding romantic relationships but never really looked into with family...its basically the same but different scenarios I guess.

Hi, I am very sorry to hear how you feel about what is happening! I can completely understand how you feel about them pressuring you to do something you dont really feel like doing and I know how burdensome it can be! But you have to understand that you should live life to please yourself and your needs, not anyone else's! I know it can be hard specialy when it is your family that is putting pressure on you so you are more likely to crack than if a friend did the same! But, at the same time that means you should live your life the way your family tells you, which is wrong! What will happen when more important matters come to discussion? I personally believe you should stand up for yourself after you move out, and keep your decisions only to yourself! Not anyone else! I know how hard it can be so I hope your boyfriend and friends support you and understand all of this! Take care please....