You Can Be Friends With An Ex.

Only if...

Maybe this isn't healthy. Maybe it's not for everyone. But it works for us.

I'm choosing to write about this because I feel like it's a very unusual situation and I want people out there who may want the same thing, to know that it CAN happen.

My ex and I were together nearly 6 years, and broke up last year. We are both 27 and we met when we were 21 years old. We were very involved in each others lives. We worked at the same place (how we met), we lived together for most of our relationship, we had the same friends, we very rarely spent time apart. From the night we got together, we only spent a handful of nights apart for the entirely of the relationship. The relationship became, more than anything else, a habit to us both. It was very convenient. We were best friends more than lovers. We had both invested in this relationship to a point that it felt silly to not pursue it. We got engaged. We kept telling ourselves and each other that we were happy, but we obviously weren't. I wasn't happy, but I refused to admit it. I had spent so much time with this man, why would I throw it all away? I started acting out, drinking heavily, not understanding the reasons behind it.

When he broke up with me, my world came crashing down. We were so integrated in each others lives, I could not imagine how I was supposed to function without him. It wasn't even necessarily HIM that I wanted, now that I'm looking back, but what our future was supposed to be. We talked about having kids, we talked about marriage and were engaged. I was supposed to be planning a wedding, but instead I was looking for a one bedroom apartment. This isn't how my life was supposed to pan out, goddamn it!!

But there were a lot of flaws in our relationship I've realised now that I've had time to reflect. There was never any passion. We cared deeply for each other, but it was always mostly platonic. We were together because it was easy. It made sense. As time went on, it was expected. I don't even know now if I was ever really in love with him.

Nowadays, we are still the best of friends. It has only been 5-6 months since the initial breakup, and we are both in new relationships now. Mine isn't going as well as his is, but that's not a problem for me. We talk regularly. We see each other every now and then for a beer & a chat. I give him advice on his new relationship, he gives me advice on mine. We still share changes and exciting news with each other. We both agreed during the breakup that we didn't want to lose each other from our lives, and we have worked hard to make sure that doesn't happen. He has agreed that he doesn't want anything to come between our friendship. I'm his best friend, and he is mine. We know each other like the back of our own hands, but we just have no desire to be in a relationship anymore. The only difference between last year and now is that we don't live together or have sex anymore. It should be weird, we laugh about it all the time, but it's not weird. It's normal for us.

Were we ever really in love? Probably not. Even after nearly 6 years. But it's made me realise how truly important friendship is. He's still the first person that I want to tell when I have news, and vice-versa for him. Not because we are in love, but because we know each other so well.

We still work together. We both considered moving on and finding another place to work when we broke up, but neither of us wanted to so we decided to try and make it work. It was tough at first, but it's normal now.

This, to me, is friendship in the purest, rawest form. It's hard to find someone you connect with so well, and even if a relationship isn't on the cards (anymore, or never was) doesn't mean that it can't be fulfilling.

I do not want him anymore. I do not fantasise about how we could be together. If he came to me tomorrow and asked to work things out, I would not do it. I can be sure of that. As unconventional as it may be, it truly works for us. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think that since: "I do not want him anymore. I do not fantasise about how we could be together. If he came to me tomorrow and asked to work things out, I would not do it. I can be sure of that." it's possible for you to be friends. Because you both accepted the break up, moved on and are even in new relationships. And you even pointed that you cared deeply about him but were together because it was easy and nice. In your case I believe that makes friendship possible so soon.

However if one of you was hurting and was still wanting the other, a healthy friendship wouldn't be possible. I believe that to be friends with exes both have to have healed, accepted and moved on from the relationship and there can't be resentments.

Definitely not, Annia. If we were both hurting, or one of us hurting, there's no way it would work.

But now, my phone rings and I'm like "oh, it's 'John', wonder what he's up to" or I'm like "oh, I'll call him back later", like with any friend. Sometimes I do, sometimes I forget. He's not at the front of my mind, like he was when I WAS hurting. That's the difference.

There was never any passion. We cared deeply for each other, but it was always mostly platonic. We were together because it was easy. It made sense. As time went on, it was expected. I don't even know now if I was ever really in love with him.

I think this is the primary reason why you guys can become friends so easily.

Because you never really loved one another in that romantic way so becoming friends probably felt more natural than when you were together.

I know I was in love with my EX, so when she cruelly broke my heart it crushed me and because she was so cruel I could never be friends with her.

No offense intended, but my thoughts are, you're trying to convince yourself that this is working, (temporarily, yes...long term, no, (imo). With that being said, I can't picture anyone moving on to a new relationship, and at the same time being best friends with their recent ex, in the span of 5-6 mos.

At the very least, I'd proceed with caution, while at the same time viewing this in a realistic light.

No offense intended, but my thoughts are, you're trying to convince yourself that this is working, (temporarily, yes...long term, no, (imo). With that being said, I can't picture anyone moving on to a new relationship, and at the same time being best friends with their recent ex, in the span of 5-6 mos.

 

At the very least, I'd proceed with caution, while at the same time viewing this in a realistic light.

No offence taken, I knew that it would be difficult for most to understand

i take it the new partners know that the difficulties encountered with them are being discussed with past partners?

i take it the new partners know that the difficulties encountered with them are being discussed with past partners?

Of course not. But they know we talk regularly.

functional tandems have no need for traingling.

do you know those little stools from the old days, the three legged ones? i have heard therapists mention those in connection to triangling in unhealthy relationships- trying to sit on two legs wouldn't work, because the duo is unstable. On three legs, the weight is dispersed, and so is the pressure.

i would question the health of all these relationships, if they require a third point in the system.

just something to consider.