My GF became defenseive when I asked who sent her roses on her Birthday....

I have had a bit of a rocky relationship with this girl and we're giving it a second attempt after she broke off the relationship about four years ago. I spend several nights a week at her place and we're supposed to be exclusive with each other. I took her out for her birthday and when we went back to her place her roommate says "there are flowers for you." I see there are actually two faces with roses and two different cards. We walk back to her room and a few minutes pass. Finally I ask her, "who sent you the flowers?"

Now I understand she can't control whether guys send her roses. But she snapped at me saying "I don't know who send them. It's my birthday, people sent me flowers." I say "why don't you open the card and see who sent them?"

She, who frankly has anger management issues in general, becomes furious and says she's not going to do open the envelopes now and look at the cards. She's so upset she tells me to "go!" and leave her apartment.

My gut tells me if she had nothing to hide she would have opened the cards.

Is it wrong of me to ask who sent her the flowers if we are in an exclusive relationship? I've seen plenty of scenes in TV shows or movies where flowers arrive and people say "who are they from" and "read the card."

Should she be angry at me for asking such a question?

What kind of work have the two of you done to try to resolve the issues that broke you up originally? Have you attended counseling, spoken about how to communicate better with a specific plan in place, have you read any books or attended any classes?

What kind of therapy or treatment or classes is she involved in to work on her anger management issues?

In other words, what are you two doing differently this time around?

I agree with you. I too would be questioning why she got so mad and defensive if she had nothing to hide.

Its quite normal for an exclusive couple to enquiry about who sent her such a thoughtful gift...

My thoughts: Either you frequently show her that you don't trust her and your enquiry was just a boiling point or she has something to hide and caused an argument so that you wouldn't find out who she's stepping out with.

OP. What makes you think it was a man who sent her flowers. Geeze I'd get ratty too if I got interrogated like that.

My female friends have been known to send me flowers, and also couples I know.

Holy crap, what is her problem?? She is seriously rude and has no reason to speak to you like that. You had a right to ask about the flowers, after all, you are in a relationship.

Why do you allow her to talk to you like that?

That's not right.

OP. What makes you think it was a man who sent her flowers. Geeze I'd get ratty too if I got interrogated like that.

 

My female friends have been known to send me flowers, and also couples I know.

Interrogated? The girl I am sleeping with receives roses and cards and you think I am interrogating her because I (1) first gave her time to open the card and see who sent them but instead she chose to put the cards in her purse and (2) when I finally asked her who sent the cards she became defensive.

I am sorry but I think the normal human reaction would go something like this: "Oh, look! Flowers! How pretty. I wonder who they are from." And then they open the card to see who they are from. My intuition and frankly common sense says if someone who doesn't do that has something to hide. I know if I came home to a gift I'd want to know who sent it. Is that just me?

Holy crap, what is her problem?? She is seriously rude and has no reason to speak to you like that. You had a right to ask about the flowers, after all, you are in a relationship.

Why do you allow her to talk to you like that?

That's not right.

Thank you Sherry. That's what I was thinking. I'm trying to be patient with her and communicate to her that that's not an appropriate way to communicate. But when she gets upset its like she doesn't see straight and she just gets more angry.

You mention a rocky relationship, OP. It's going to get rockier if you keep on like this.

Don't nag, OP. The flowers may have come from her cousin on the far side of the country. It isn't that she has anything to hide, just irritated at the questioning.

Just my take on it.

It sounds like a normal question to me. Her demanding you "Go!" because you asked in not cool, IMO. Anger management or not, it is pretty dismissive, and wouldn't sit well with me.

Listen to me, OP. You are, you say, back with this lady after breaking up four years ago. You can, or not, say why you broke up then. Obviously she must have some great qualities for taking up with you again.

I ask again, why do you immediately assume it is "guys" who sent or send her flowers. Maybe it was a man maybe it wasn't.

And forget the TV shows and movies. They aren't real life.

Maybe Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp sent her the flowers..........

I recall some years ago (and I am married) I received a beautiful orchid from a client (male) in thanks for some work I had done (and for which I had charged). I just planked it on a shelf in our living room. Husband merely remarked: nice plant. Another admirer? To which we both burst out laughing.

I respect your opinion Lahermes, I truly do, but I think OP had a right to ask.

There shouldn't be any secrets between partners and no reason for her to become hostile over a question. Whats the big deal with her telling him who sent them? The only reason why she would is if she had something to hide.

And I also think that her telling him to..go...is right rude and so disrespectful. Don't allow yourself to be talked to OP, you are not a child, you are a grown man.

Certainly telling him to "go" seems a bit much.

We all have secrets, Sherry, all of us. I do not tell my husband all my secret thoughts and I am sure neither does he. We are two separate people.

That aside, as I have said above, a little humour goes a long way. There are all kinds of ways of asking.....

Once more, with feeling....

"she broke off the relationship about four years ago.

But, you. OP have taken up with her again. Why?

I don't think there was anything wrong with asking. Heck, I've asked random people at work "Who sent you the pretty flowers? Someone loves you!"

But...I think this incident is a symptom of a larger issue.

What have the two of you done differently this time around? What is she doing to deal with her anger issues? What have you done to help build trust in the relationship?

OK, and then I log off. It is all hours over here on the other side of the pond...

"we're supposed to be exclusive with each other."

This is evidently the woman who people thought was working in the escort business. Yes? I did look at other threads because I wondered why you were in such a state about the flowers.

So, despite her many (perceived) faults you are back with her again. Evidently, there has to be a reason.

Forget the flowers and get to the heart of the matter, OP.

A poster responded thus to you previously, only a couple fo months ago.

Look, there's no trust here. She's clearly withholding information from you. Why are you trying to make this work? It's not normal that there is so much evasiveness and that you can't even say what it is your girlfriend does for a living.

So, come clean, OP and quit waving the flowers around. What is going on?

And btw, no such thing as soulmate. Mythological.

I have had a bit of a rocky relationship with this girl The understatement of the year, OP.

NOW I get this remark:

"Now I understand she can't control whether guys send her roses."

Don't second guess yourself. You called her out on some BS and her reaction confirmed you were right. If she had nothing to hide, then she wouldn't have hid anything. The only way you'll stop being the victim in this relationship is if you stick up for yourself. Don't back down.

Uh.... I have gotten flowers/roses from my family members on my birthday.

But her kicking you out of the apartment after a date... F that. I would not put up with that level of disrespect.

I think you should look at the big picture: anger issues!

How can you have a future with someone who is so explosive and dismissive??????

Why in the world would you return to this:

"Should I turst this girl I'm seeing or is alcohol more important?

I am dating a girl I used to date a few years ago. Back then pretty much every time she drank she got drunk. One day I came home from working and she was gone. Packed and left. She had a history of doing that, three times in fact. Fast forward to today (she's almost 34) and we've had our ups and downs. She cheated on me before but blamed it on the alcohol and said she was taken advantage of by her ex. I told her if she had not lied about going out with a girlfriend and was instead with her ex...while living with me, none of it would have happened. She still blames him and the booze and she doesn't seem to taken any responsibility. This past Friday night she tells me she's working. Although I don't know exactly what she does because she doesn't have a regular job but does different jobs as a "consultant." When she goes off to "work" particularly at night she never answers her phone. I mean I call her and she NEVER answers her phone. I've never experienced that. I think when your BF or GF calls you, especially if you're working who knows where with who knows whom, you should answer your phone, particularly considering our past trust issues and how we're supposed to be building trust now. I think a significant other should answer their phone if they're "working" and its 11: 00 p.m. at night. This past Firday she' was "working" and never answered her phone. Then she calls me around 10:30 p.m. Says she's tired. That she's driving home and almost home and going to sleep. I say I love you and wish her a good night. AT 12:30 my phone rings. It's her. But she's not talking to me. She's laughing and I hear she's talking to some guy. I hear his voice too. I listen and say her name but she does not answer! Line goes dead. I call her a dozen times and she does not answer. I drive to her place which is about 5 minutes away. She's not home. I wait there for her. At 1:30 in the morning she comes home. She's drunk. She obviously lied to me about being almost home. Instead, now she says she had a frustrating night so she went with this guy from "work" to do a couple of shots! In her mind somehow this is okay. I am now the bad guy for being at her place. Saturday we're supposed to go to lunch. She picks me up. Her seat is reclined very far back. I'm a car guy. I tell her her seating position is dangerous. She's out of alignment with airbags, etc. She slams on her brakes and says get out of my car. She gets very angry pretty easy. I get out. Later that day I smooth things over with her on the phone. I spend the night at her place and we make love Sunday morning. I have to leave to move my car from an 8:00 a.m. parking zone. It's Superbowl Sunday, just two days after the Friday night incident. I call her around 1:00 in the afternoon. She tells me she's going to a party, sometime around 2. I say it would be nice if she mentioned this to me. I ask if I can go she says "You're not on the list." I say to her I want to go with her she says no. Now, in my mind, I'm already thinking its not cool for a GF trying to build trust, especially after what just happened on Friday, to go off to a super bowl party without me. Anyway, She's gone all day....and into the night. I call her she never answers her phone. Finally, around 9:00 p.m. she answers. She's drunk. So she's drunk Friday night and now Sunday. I ask her how she got to the party and she says "a friend." I ask who is 'he", the guy that drove you, and She hangs up on me. I go to her place, needing to see for myself. Around 10:30 a car pulls up. Two guys and two girls, one being my GF. She still is not answering my calls. She's drunk. She blows the guy a bunch of kisses, doesn't actually kiss him from where I am standing. I walk up to her and say her name. She turns and sees me. She's mad at me for being there. Says I'm insane for being at her place. Apparently she doesn't think there's anything wrong with coming home drunk, Friday and Sunday and she thinks its okay to not answer my calls, even at night when she's "working." She thinks its okay to go do shots with some guy she meets at her "job" at 1:00 a.m. and seemingly be some guys date to a party. What's going on here? Is this a sign of alcoholism or just a girl that doesn't care or is self absorbed or has no heart? Is this a girl I should trust?"

You must really hate yourself, to allow this lying, cheating, angry drunk back into your life. She is doing it to you again, and you have no one but yourself to blame for going a second round. I will never understand why people put themselves in this position. ](*,)

OP, this woman is a mess. Your previous threads prove it.

The flowers don't even begin to tell the story of your relationship with her.

Why do you keep fooling yourself into thinking she's an honest and upstanding citizen?

So, OP, all this drama and four years later you are back again with this person. Why? Have you asked yourself why?

So, OP, all this drama and four years later you are back again with this person. Why? Have you asked yourself why?

My guess, he thrives on drama and toxicity, due to low self worth.

Probably you believe that if you can pin this woman down (figuratively) and get her to love you and commit to you, that will prove you are worthwhile and deserving of "love".

But, chasing a woman who has done nothing but give you grief (in between what I presume is spectacular sex) isn't the way to feel good about yourself.

My guess, he thrives on drama and toxicity, due to low self worth.

No, that's not it at all. Without going into specifics, I am a professional, successful, in great physical condition and I've had great relationships....before this one. I hate drama, and that's a problem. The bizarre thing is she says she hates drama......but when I ask her to do the most basic things, things every girlfriend did without my ever asking, it becomes a drama....the very drama I want to avoid. So for example, I called her and texted her over a two day period asking her to call me (this weekend) starting Friday night. She called me Saturday morning and then would not return a single call or text until Sunday night.....and her roommate told me she hadn't been home. If she wants to avoid drama one would think a "normal" person would answer her phone or call back at some point. When your GF or BF does not call back and disappears Saturday day, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, that of course creates drama. Particularly where there is a past where she cheated on me when we dated four years ago.

No, that's not it at all. Without going into specifics, I am a professional, successful, in great physical condition and I've had great relationships....before this one. I hate drama, and that's a problem. The bizarre thing is she says she hates drama......but when I ask her to do the most basic things, things every girlfriend did without my ever asking, it becomes a drama....the very drama I want to avoid. So for example, I called her and texted her over a two day period asking her to call me (this weekend) starting Friday night. She called me Saturday morning and then would not return a single call or text until Sunday night.....and her roommate told me she hadn't been home. If she wants to avoid drama one would think a "normal" person would answer her phone or call back at some point. When your GF or BF does not call back and disappears Saturday day, Saturday night, Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon, that of course creates drama. Particularly where there is a past where she cheated on me when we dated four years ago.

It wont work. You need to ask yourself why you allow someone to treat you with so much disrespect and still think that its going to work out at some point.