I think I screwed up badly, or did I?

I am so confused, I don't even know what to think anymore!

I had a thread a while ago about a guy I wanted to have a FWB relationship with, and while we still haven't gone there yet, we became really close friends and talk every day. The one problem is - and yes, I will say it from the start - that while he sees me as a good friend and potential FWB, I have developed deeper feelings for him. But that's not the issue here, that's for another thread.

Anyway, as I was saying in the other thread, he already has a FWB he doesn't want to give up, and I thought I was ok with it. I didn't know too many details, and I didn't want to know them. Unfortunately last night I went out with friends to the place he works at part time (a bar), and since he wasn't there I just knew he was with her, and for whatever reason, after all this time, it really got to me. Like, I felt sick when I realized he was probably having sex with her that very moment, when I had asked him earlier in the week if he wanted to do anything with me and he said he was going to be busy. I felt like he chose her over me, and it hurt badly.

Well, there is another guy who works there every now and then, and he has always been interested in me even before me and my guy started talking, but I never gave him my number or went out with him. Last night, he kind of put me on the spot by whipping out his phone and asking for my number in front of others, and caught unprepared, and given the state of mind I was in, and also not wanting to make him look bad in front of those around us, I gave it to him. I reiterated though that I wasn't going to go out with him since there is a huge age difference between us that I'm not comfortable with. Then, I felt guilty for having given my number, and shortly after I went home. I do not intend to talk to this guy, in fact I blocked his number right away.

Now I'm stumped. My 'friend' will most likely find out I gave the other guy my number, and I can't deny it since all he has to do is show it. He will probably want nothing to do with me, even though technically I don't owe him anything since we are not together and there will never be exclusivity between us. Did I really screw it up, or why do I feel this guilty? Should I feel guilty? And how do I handle this? Do I confess on my own accord that I exchanged numbers with the guy? Do I only mention it if he asks me?

My head is about to explode... I know I will be told to just end everything with this guy, because my feelings are not those of a FWB... and this is something I will have to deal with eventually. But for now I really need advice regarding the number exchange situation... what's the right thing to do here? I won't go to that bar again that's a given...but other than that? How do I even bring it up and come clean? Or do I need to come clean, considering he was having sex with someone else last night?

The way I see it, you should not mention the exchange number incident. First of all, he will find out from others (possibly) and if you mention it you will show guilt which will put you in the "weak spot".

Given that you have more feelings for him than he has for you, the best case scenario is when(if) he brings this incident up you reply with something "We are FWB aren't we?You are not the only one who sees other people". This will "balance" the situation.

Thank you, I do feel confessing this to him would make me look guilty, especially since for whatever reason I do feel guilty. I would never actually date anyone he works with out of respect for him, that's a given. I really wish I had the presence of mind to come up with an excuse not to give out my number, without making the other guy feel bad/rejected....but I didn't and now it's too late to fix it.

I will say exactly what you suggested if and when he brings it up...it's the truth after all.

Thank you, I do feel confessing this to him would make me look guilty, especially since for whatever reason I do feel guilty. I would never actually date anyone he works with out of respect for him, that's a given. I really wish I had the presence of mind to come up with an excuse not to give out my number, without making the other guy feel bad/rejected....but I didn't and now it's too late to fix it.

I will say exactly what you suggested if and when he brings it up...it's the truth after all.

You are into him more than you think .

Well, don't see it this way. You did your good deed for that day . Some women would have done it on purpose just to make the other guy jealous! So nothing to worry about.

You are over-thinking this, and that's because you fear this will ruin your chances with your FWB.

But he's not going to be as upset as you think. He doesn't have those feelings for you. Yeah, it might be awkward given that they work together, but if he's having sex with someone else anyway, he's going to get over it.

I wouldn't bother mentioning it. If he does at some point, you don't need to explain yourself. Simply acknowledge that you did, and leave it at that. You can go out with whomever you chose. For what it's worth, you really do need to distance yourself from him. You're too attached and it's causing you too much strife.

You are into him more than you think .

 

Well, don't see it this way. You did your good deed for that day . Some women would have done it on purpose just to make the other guy jealous! So nothing to worry about.

Nooo, I would never do it on purpose, I truly care about this guy way too much to hurt him... nor would I lead the other guy on just to make someone else jealous. I guess I don't do well when put on the spot, I can never think of a diplomatic way to say no so I just say yes and deal with it later

You are over-thinking this, and that's because you fear this will ruin your chances with your FWB.

 

But he's not going to be as upset as you think. He doesn't have those feelings for you. Yeah, it might be awkward given that they work together, but if he's having sex with someone else anyway, he's going to get over it.

 

I wouldn't bother mentioning it. If he does at some point, you don't need to explain yourself. Simply acknowledge that you did, and leave it at that. You can go out with whomever you chose. For what it's worth, you really do need to distance yourself from him. You're too attached and it's causing you too much strife.

I am too attached. In fact, I'm afraid I might be in love with him I'd rather lose my life than lose him, so maybe that's why the guilt feels so heavy. Technically I know I am free to date and do whatever I want with whomever I want, but for whatever reason I feel like I am committed to him without actually being committed, in fact he seems to like the other woman way more than he likes me. What a cluster f***!

I am too attached. In fact, I'm afraid I might be in love with him I'd rather lose my life than lose him, so maybe that's why the guilt feels so heavy. Technically I know I am free to date and do whatever I want with whomever I want, but for whatever reason I feel like I am committed to him without actually being committed, in fact he seems to like the other woman way more than he likes me. What a cluster f***!

Wow, that's a serious statement. Is he a player or it just happened to like him so much?

Wow, that's a serious statement. Is he a player or it just happened to like him so much?

Both... he is a player I guess, but after talking with him for hours every day I came to realize we have so much in common that I can't picture my life without him in it. With the other woman he has almost nothing in common, which adds to my pain.

I am too attached. In fact, I'm afraid I might be in love with him I'd rather lose my life than lose him, so maybe that's why the guilt feels so heavy. Technically I know I am free to date and do whatever I want with whomever I want, but for whatever reason I feel like I am committed to him without actually being committed, in fact he seems to like the other woman way more than he likes me. What a cluster f***!

Oh man. That line. That's reason enough to cut ties NOW. You need to wean yourself of this guy and stat.

Oh man. That line. That's reason enough to cut ties NOW. You need to wean yourself of this guy and stat.

I don't think I can...but I'm really worried he will do it himself when he finds out about me exchanging numbers with that guy.

Both...he is a player I guess, but after talking with him for hours every day I came to realize we have so much in common that I can't picture my life without him in it. With the other woman he has almost nothing in common, which adds to my pain.

I may be blunt now but the reality is that if the other women are good looking and sexy it's easy to overcome the "things in common" unless you want long term relationship which he doesn't. The obvious advise would be to cut ties now but since you are not going to do it why not "play" with him a bit? At least you will not stand in the corner crying.

I may be blunt now but the reality is that if the other women are good looking and sexy it's easy to overcome the "things in common" unless you want long term relationship which he doesn't. The obvious advise would be to cut ties now but since you are not going to do it why not "play" with him a bit? At least you will not stand in the corner crying.

I don't really know how to "play" with guys...my feelings always seem to get involved.

Okay, this is really very simple. You don't mention it until he does. And when he does you snort and say, "Yeah, your "friend" (air quotes here or sarcastic emphasis) caught me flat-footed in front of everyone insisting on giving me his phone number and asking for mine. I felt trapped and panicked and did the dumb thing - I gave it to the guy. Then went home and blocked him immediately, because I have zero interest. Tell him if he says anything not to do that to a lady, okay? It did not sit well with me.

That is all you can say, because regardless that crap happens. I've had it happen and that's when my brother later was like, "Yeah, that's when you give them the number for 1-800 dial a prayer and hope they don't now try to call you on the spot to make sure you didn't give them a wrong number."

But Greta, you have given us all here some world class great advice, so all I would say is on your own what advice would you give yourself about this guy? And I'm going to leave it at that, because I know it's easier to give advice than it is to follow it sometimes.

Anyways the above is how I've handled something like that before. And if your friend gets upset there is nothing you can do about that, but tell him, "Excuse me, we are not exclusive, we are not even dating here, you have zero rights to get upset at me. Knock if off." Then you hang up on him and realize it was for the best anyways. You feel guilty, because you want more with the guy, but don't let him reduce you down to a number in his harem who says, "How high" when he snaps his fingers.

Never do that. The right people in your life will never make you feel like that. The wrong ones? Every.damn.time.

I don't think I can...but I'm really worried he will do it himself when he finds out about me exchanging numbers with that guy.

You're FWB as a best case scenario.

It is not going to transition to a relationship.

Do you get that?

I'm being blunt because you need to protect yourself. You will get heartbroken. It's a function of now or later. And I would bet now hurts way less than later.

Okay, this is really very simple. You don't mention it until he does. And when he does you snort and say, "Yeah, your "friend" (air quotes here or sarcastic emphasis) caught me flat-footed in front of everyone insisting on giving me his phone number and asking for mine. I felt trapped and panicked and did the dumb thing - I gave it to the guy. Then went home and blocked him immediately, because I have zero interest. Tell him if he says anything not to do that to a lady, okay? It did not sit well with me.

 

That is all you can say, because regardless that crap happens. I've had it happen and that's when my brother later was like, "Yeah, that's when you give them the number for 1-800 dial a prayer and hope they don't now try to call you on the spot to make sure you didn't give them a wrong number."

 

But Greta, you have given us all here some world class great advice, so all I would say is on your own what advice would you give yourself about this guy? And I'm going to leave it at that, because I know it's easier to give advice than it is to follow it sometimes.

 

Anyways the above is how I've handled something like that before. And if your friend gets upset there is nothing you can do about that, but tell him, "Excuse me, we are not exclusive, we are not even dating here, you have zero rights to get upset at me. Knock if off." Then you hang up on him and realize it was for the best anyways. You feel guilty, because you want more with the guy, but don't let him reduce you down to a number in his harem who says, "How high" when he snaps his fingers.

 

Never do that. The right people in your life will never make you feel like that. The wrong ones? Every.damn.time.

This is apologetic. Wouldn't suggest this.

Okay, this is really very simple. You don't mention it until he does. And when he does you snort and say, "Yeah, your "friend" (air quotes here or sarcastic emphasis) caught me flat-footed in front of everyone insisting on giving me his phone number and asking for mine. I felt trapped and panicked and did the dumb thing - I gave it to the guy. Then went home and blocked him immediately, because I have zero interest. Tell him if he says anything not to do that to a lady, okay? It did not sit well with me.

 

That is all you can say, because regardless that crap happens. I've had it happen and that's when my brother later was like, "Yeah, that's when you give them the number for 1-800 dial a prayer and hope they don't now try to call you on the spot to make sure you didn't give them a wrong number."

 

But Greta, you have given us all here some world class great advice, so all I would say is on your own what advice would you give yourself about this guy? And I'm going to leave it at that, because I know it's easier to give advice than it is to follow it sometimes.

 

Anyways the above is how I've handled something like that before. And if your friend gets upset there is nothing you can do about that, but tell him, "Excuse me, we are not exclusive, we are not even dating here, you have zero rights to get upset at me. Knock if off." Then you hang up on him and realize it was for the best anyways. You feel guilty, because you want more with the guy, but don't let him reduce you down to a number in his harem who says, "How high" when he snaps his fingers.

 

Never do that. The right people in your life will never make you feel like that. The wrong ones? Every.damn.time.

Thank you ParisPaulette, I am the worst at following my own advice! I know the best things to do, but when it comes to myself I usually make all the mistakes...

You're right about everything you said. As for the other guy, I did hesitate for a few seconds trying to wreck my brain for an out, and I considered giving him a slightly different number, but I've known him for years and I felt embarrassed to do this to him. I regret it so much, but I can't take it back. I hate when they do that. It's easier to get out of it with a stranger, but with someone you're familiar with, it's so tricky.

Everybody seems to think I shouldn't bring it up until and unless he asks. Chances are he won't even ask me, he might just cut me out when he finds out from the other guys, without giving me a chance to explain. I don't know what's going to happen. It's so true, he has no right to be mad at me. Living with knowing he is having sex with that woman is not a walk in the park for me, even though I never specifically told him how I feel. I'm just scared sick, and the tragedy is that the woman may still be in his bed as I'm typing this

Thank you ParisPaulette, I am the worst at following my own advice! I know the best things to do, but when it comes to myself I usually make all the mistakes...

You're right about everything you said. As for the other guy, I did hesitate for a few seconds trying to wreck my brain for an out, and I considered giving him a slightly different number, but I've known him for years and I felt embarrassed to do this to him. I regret it so much, but I can't take it back. I hate when they do that. It's easier to get out of it with a stranger, but with someone you're familiar with, it's so tricky.

 

Everybody seems to think I shouldn't bring it up until and unless he asks. Chances are he won't even ask me, he might just cut me out when he finds out from the other guys, without giving me a chance to explain. I don't know what's going to happen. It's so true, he has no right to be mad at me. Living with knowing he is having sex with that woman is not a walk in the park for me, even though I never specifically told him how I feel. I'm just scared sick, and the tragedy is that the woman may still be in his bed as I'm typing this

 

But there is nothing to explain!? This scenario would be the best although you would never want it.

He's not even your FWB. He is someone else's FWB. You are wasting your time and energy on someone who isn't into you.

You cannot be a FWB if there are feelings. Period!!! Why are you putting so much thought into being someone's booty call? C'mon! He already has at least one other girl.

You don't seem like the type that can do this. Do better for yourself and look for someone, who actually wants a relationship. Don't you think you deserve it?

You need to stay away from this guy.

Greta, you are actively trying to be a doormat for this guy and he doesnt want it. Regardless of whether or not he will ever respond to it, take a look in the mirror. Look at what you're allowing yourself to become for someone who has shown no romantic interest in you.

I think you need to take a giant step back and get your tunnel vision focus off him and start to focus on yourself. Love yourself and respect yourself first.

If he ever did agree to follow through with being FWB with you, i can tell you right now, you will end up devisatated. Please take better care of yourself.

There are others out there who will reciprocate your feelings in a positive, health, nurturing way. I seriously hope you'll reconsider the direction youve chosen for yourself.

Greta...With all due respect, this is sooo not like you.

Thank you, I do feel confessing this to him would make me look guilty, especially since for whatever reason I do feel guilty. I would never actually date anyone he works with out of respect for him, that's a given. I really wish I had the presence of mind to come up with an excuse not to give out my number, without making the other guy feel bad/rejected....but I didn't and now it's too late to fix it.

I will say exactly what you suggested if and when he brings it up...it's the truth after all.

But, you would not be dating this guy. It is only sex. He does not have feelings for you.

You are putting too much into this. If he liked you, he would date you, and you would not have to settle for a measly FWB. Why are you devaluing yourself like this? I agree with the above poster, as this is "doormat" territory.

He's not even your FWB. He is someone else's FWB. You are wasting your time and energy on someone who isn't into you.

True, no argument there...

You cannot be a FWB if there are feelings. Period!!! Why are you putting so much thought into being someone's booty call? C'mon! He already has at least one other girl.

 

You don't seem like the type that can do this. Do better for yourself and look for someone, who actually wants a relationship. Don't you think you deserve it?

 

You need to stay away from this guy.

I'm definitely not the FWB type, but I would have done it this once. Ugh...