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Is there such a thing as a (near) perfect match?


thornz

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After my break up I have been listening intently to my friends discussing the problems in their relationships and how they resolve them. It has led me to conclude that there really wasn't any major issues in my last relationship except communication.

 

One friend however assures me that there are no problems in her relationship and that they don't really ever argue. They met, decided they both wanted the same things from life and are living happily ever after.

 

They've been together 2 years, she's been added to his mortgage and moved in after a year and they're trying for a baby. He recently proposed and they have started to organise the wedding. Now I'm naturally cynical by nature but even taking this into account it seems very odd to me.

 

Is this usual to meet somebody, fall in love and live happily ever after with no arguments. They are clearly very smitten and mushy with each other. I honestly can't see how you can be with someone and not argue. That can't be healthy surely!

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So disagreements are there in every relationship. The difference is the way they are managed. Your friends who never argue... i think they discuss disagreements in a way that it does not look like they are arguing. When they talk maybe they respect what the other one is saying and other party is adding to it. At the end they both come up with the best resolution and align with each other. The key is respect and love rest all come on its own like patience. They are not egoistic or selfish or trying to win the conversation. It is not complicated, just need to talk common sense.

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There are couples and couples. I mean some couples are like friends, they never argue and they solve their problems with logic and compromises. On the other hand, there are couples who are more "emotional" and led by their instincts. These couples tend to fight a lot and violently but the sex tend to be better(from my personal experience).

 

To each his own!

 

There is no point generalizing. To answer your title's question I think there is perfect match by reality standards(not imaginary standards).

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Perfect? Maybe not. "Near" perfect? Yes. I would say I have a near perfect match. Together a life time and very very rarely "fight". Sure, we have the occasional disagreement/argument, totally normal in any relationship (imo) - I actually can't remember the last time we had an argument, maybe last year some time. I have no idea.

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Ok, so the consensus is they do exist and the determining factor is how disagreements are handled.

 

I watched a brief video on YouTube last night about conflict which made me realise some things about me and my ex.

 

Conflict was defined as not an argument but "when one party feels they have a need that is being unmet by another party". It then went on to discuss the stages of conflict resolution and stated that some people jump past the discussion stage and jump straight to the point where no resolution has been found. This stage can be expressed differently by different people as either Anger, Anxiety or Depression.

 

I think myself and my ex would both jump to that stage, him becoming angry and pursuing an argument and me becoming anxious and withdrawing/avoiding.

 

It's very interesting stuff, I've got a lot to learn. If I can improve my communication and discuss openly and ask for my needs to be met I can avoid unnecessary arguments in my close relationships? Do you think my theory is correct?

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Perfect does not exist in this world, in the context of this topic or in any other sphere.

 

Any couple who tells you they NEVER argue are not telling the truth.

 

Smitten and mushy are two words that trigger off flashing red lights in my mind!

 

Not every couple or relationship start out the same way.

 

Is this usual to meet somebody, fall in love and live happily ever after with no arguments. T"

 

Definitely not "usual". The process is a little more complex than that lol.

 

And ENA would not exist if things were as easy as the couple you mention seem to protest.

 

It is interesting that in a stable partnership or marriage the occasional arguments can be about small stuff. A very simplified example would be taking out the garbage bin.....L

 

It is an important skill to learn to discuss or even argue an issue, whether in a relationship/marriage or in any other sphere.

 

Certainly, before even contemplating a LTR or marriage the couple do need to see if there are very major differences in their outlook on a whole range of issues. There also has to be a lot of give and take.

 

Mind games, second-guessing and failing to clearly and explicitly asking for or stating what one or the other wants are so detrimental.

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After my break up I have been listening intently to my friends discussing the problems in their relationships and how they resolve them. It has led me to conclude that there really wasn't any major issues in my last relationship except communication.

 

One friend however assures me that there are no problems in her relationship and that they don't really ever argue. They met, decided they both wanted the same things from life and are living happily ever after.

 

They've been together 2 years, she's been added to his mortgage and moved in after a year and they're trying for a baby. He recently proposed and they have started to organise the wedding. Now I'm naturally cynical by nature but even taking this into account it seems very odd to me.

 

Is this usual to meet somebody, fall in love and live happily ever after with no arguments. They are clearly very smitten and mushy with each other. I honestly can't see how you can be with someone and not argue. That can't be healthy surely!

Hahahaha, they WILL find something to argue about I guarantee it . Two years isn't an eternity it is barely a scratch on the surface .

 

Communication and how you resolve conflict is extremely important .

 

 

Are there some near perfect matches? Yes. We agree on probably 90% of things. We have the occasional argument once or twice a year. Always the same two topics . We have been together long enough though that we know no argument is going to end our marriage. It is just a disagreement of opinion .

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You say your only problem was communication. It may feel small, but I think that's one of the biggest issues a relationship can have.

 

Yes I agree absolutely, I think if we had been able to communicate we would have been fine. I'm working on learning how to communicate but obviously I can only learn for myself.

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As an aside, Thornz, could I suggest you try not to over-think too much.

 

That's what my ex said. I was just about to say I don't see any harm in just thinking things through in my head to find a solution, when actually that is what caused problems. I just wanted to think alone and not share how I was feeling so we could talk through solutions together.

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Perfect does not exist in this world, in the context of this topic or in any other sphere.

 

Any couple who tells you they NEVER argue are not telling the truth.

 

Smitten and mushy are two words that trigger off flashing red lights in my mind!

 

Not every couple or relationship start out the same way.

 

Is this usual to meet somebody, fall in love and live happily ever after with no arguments. T"

 

Definitely not "usual". The process is a little more complex than that lol.

 

And ENA would not exist if things were as easy as the couple you mention seem to protest.

 

It is interesting that in a stable partnership or marriage the occasional arguments can be about small stuff. A very simplified example would be taking out the garbage bin.....L

 

It is an important skill to learn to discuss or even argue an issue, whether in a relationship/marriage or in any other sphere.

 

Certainly, before even contemplating a LTR or marriage the couple do need to see if there are very major differences in their outlook on a whole range of issues. There also has to be a lot of give and take.

 

Mind games, second-guessing and failing to clearly and explicitly asking for or stating what one or the other wants are so detrimental.

 

I think they're still in the honeymoon stage and give another year or two with a screaming baby to deal with the will hit the fan. Then again, maybe they just do really communicate. They certainly make time for each other, the amount of times I've been told by my friend that she can't see me this week as she is making time for her partner is not a low number. Then again she has a Mid-week "weekend" so they might not spend a lot together.

 

I was second guessing a lot and didn't dare communicate my needs for fear of rejection. I'm working on that.

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There's no harm in thinking things through but try to resist the temptation to treat too many issues as complicated as an excuse to avoid simple basic truths. I think that perfect people don't exist but perfect or near perfect matches do. Obviously communication in a healthful way is a cornerstone of any jelatjy relationship. It's common sense and no need to analyze or study. As far as communication issues on your last relationship I'd suggest thinking about it only to the extent you want to change something you do or don't do in future relationship. I think delving into your past interaction with him is mostly a waste of time. I've been working my tail off on better communication with my 8 year old and its a work in progress. Some of my work is thinking about different approaches and most is about implementing and checking in with myself to take my emotional temperature and then figuring out what to do if I'm stressed or getting there. Good luck.

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Thornz, it would be sad to think that the arrival of a baby or babies, the screaming variety or not, would be damaging to communication between the couple you mention or any other couple.

 

Try not to second-guess other couples, or what other couples do or don't, heh heh.

 

Healthy, well-adjusted (not perfect) partnerships and marriages do make time for each other. Otherwise what would be the point in entering a LTR or marriage? It is assumed you marry the "other" to spend time with them and not live separate lives under one roof.

 

Also:

 

"I don't see any harm in just thinking things through in my head to find a solution"

 

No harm at all, in fact a good idea.

 

But thinking something through, and over-thinking, rumination, constant circular thinking.....very different.

 

You said on another thread:

 

"Unfortunately my inherited predisposition to analyse and disect in minute detail, myself and other people will always cause me to have doubts. I am analytical and suspicious of everything in life until I know otherwise. Then add my upbringing in care between multiple foster homes leaves me with an expectation of and on occasion desiring moving on from whatever job, relationship, house I'm in. "

 

I am sure these are issues on which you will have much insightful feedback from your psychotherapist.......

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There's no harm in thinking things through but try to resist the temptation to treat too many issues as complicated as an excuse to avoid simple basic truths. I think that perfect people don't exist but perfect or near perfect matches do. Obviously communication in a healthful way is a cornerstone of any jelatjy relationship. It's common sense and no need to analyze or study. As far as communication issues on your last relationship I'd suggest thinking about it only to the extent you want to change something you do or don't do in future relationship. I think delving into your past interaction with him is mostly a waste of time. I've been working my tail off on better communication with my 8 year old and its a work in progress. Some of my work is thinking about different approaches and most is about implementing and checking in with myself to take my emotional temperature and then figuring out what to do if I'm stressed or getting there. Good luck.

 

At the moment most things I think about are related to how I would like to do things differently in relationships (friendships too). Common sense doesn't prevail when I'm emotional I'm afraid. When it comes to relationships, nothing is common sense to me because I've never really had one that was healthy and lasted a long enough time for me to learn the basics. I suppose that will all be unravelled in therapy. I also needed to look up YouTube videos about communication to realise that what I thought was OK communication is actually not communicating at all! I've a long way to go but I've made a start at least.

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Thornz, it would be sad to think that the arrival of a baby or babies, the screaming variety or not, would be damaging to communication between the couple you mention or any other couple.

 

Try not to second-guess other couples, or what other couples do or don't, heh heh.

 

Healthy, well-adjusted (not perfect) partnerships and marriages do make time for each other. Otherwise what would be the point in entering a LTR or marriage? It is assumed you marry the "other" to spend time with them and not live separate lives under one roof.

 

Also:

 

"I don't see any harm in just thinking things through in my head to find a solution"

 

No harm at all, in fact a good idea.

 

But thinking something through, and over-thinking, rumination, constant circular thinking.....very different.

 

You said on another thread:

 

"Unfortunately my inherited predisposition to analyse and disect in minute detail, myself and other people will always cause me to have doubts. I am analytical and suspicious of everything in life until I know otherwise. Then add my upbringing in care between multiple foster homes leaves me with an expectation of and on occasion desiring moving on from whatever job, relationship, house I'm in. "

 

I am sure these are issues on which you will have much insightful feedback from your psychotherapist.......

 

Yes there I do with my second guessing again! Yes they should spend time together but personally I wouldn't tell my friend I can't see her all week because I'm spending it with my partner.

 

I'm aware that statement is enabling myself to be insecure in relationships and giving myself justification to be unhappy. I think therapy will help change that yes.

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I'm sorry but to me you come across as one of those people who are sort of bitter and resent other couples happiness, and question their happiness because you dont want them to be as happy as they seem... simply because your own experiences with relationships have not been that good & whether you admit it or not, I think envy plays a part in your thought processes and mindset.

 

I'm in one of those 'near perfect' relationships, my boyfriend & I have been inseperable since the day we met (nearly a year ago), simply a great match in every single aspect. I never believed in that kind of love either before. . until I met him.

 

Like the couple you mentioned, we are also spending heaps of time together (we live together.. duh!) & there are weekends where we just relax at home together instead of being social with others.

 

Ever since being with him, I have noticed people like you... people who are kind of resentful of us, envious, and question how we can be so happy (yes, we are totally cheesy & people who meet us for the first time would guess we're still in the honeymoon phase... but trust me, we're way past that stage, especially considering that we've lived together for quite a while also now). We've been asked how we can spend so much time together & still get along that well. It seems like this is a rare thing; to meet someone you never get sick of, dont fight too much with, and consistently choose to be with, faithfully. I feel like this is somehow 'weird' to other people and like some of them begrudge us for it.

 

I agree absolutely with another poster who said that failure to communicate / ineffective communication is one of the biggest issues a relationship can have. Also, IMO 95% of all people are just incompatible with eachother. . it takes some luck to find that 5%. You dont have to be the best communicator in the world, you just got to find someone who complements your weaknesses and considers you worthy enough to put up with your occasional bull, lol. (Very simply put).

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Bunney.

 

"Begrudgery" is I am afraid rather widespread.

 

Thing is, we must never compare our relationships/marriages to those of others. Every couple is a world unto themselves.

 

There has to be a lot of give and take, or as one couple said to me "accommodating the "other"). Perfection doesn't exist, and reality is the place to reside.

 

But, you know, Bunney, I sometimes wonder if people actually have the faintest idea of exactly what they are seeking in the "other".

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I'm sorry but to me you come across as one of those people who are sort of bitter and resent other couples happiness, and question their happiness because you dont want them to be as happy as they seem... simply because your own experiences with relationships have not been that good & whether you admit it or not, I think envy plays a part in your thought processes and mindset.

 

I'm in one of those 'near perfect' relationships, my boyfriend & I have been inseperable since the day we met (nearly a year ago), simply a great match in every single aspect. I never believed in that kind of love either before. . until I met him.

 

Like the couple you mentioned, we are also spending heaps of time together (we live together.. duh!) & there are weekends where we just relax at home together instead of being social with others.

 

Ever since being with him, I have noticed people like you... people who are kind of resentful of us, envious, and question how we can be so happy (yes, we are totally cheesy & people who meet us for the first time would guess we're still in the honeymoon phase... but trust me, we're way past that stage, especially considering that we've lived together for quite a while also now). We've been asked how we can spend so much time together & still get along that well. It seems like this is a rare thing; to meet someone you never get sick of, dont fight too much with, and consistently choose to be with, faithfully. I feel like this is somehow 'weird' to other people and like some of them begrudge us for it.

 

I agree absolutely with another poster who said that failure to communicate / ineffective communication is one of the biggest issues a relationship can have. Also, IMO 95% of all people are just incompatible with eachother. . it takes some luck to find that 5%. You dont have to be the best communicator in the world, you just got to find someone who complements your weaknesses and considers you worthy enough to put up with your occasional bull, lol. (Very simply put).

 

Sorry to disappoint but it's not bitterness, envy or resentment, quite the opposite as a relationship like that not only seems very odd to me but is actually quite frightening as a concept. You're coming across as very defensive even though you said you didn't believe in such love until you meet your partner. Does that mean you were bitter, envious and resentful of other couples who seemed to have the love you didn't believe in?

 

Perhaps you might like to reconsider that your friends and associates are not jealous but simply baffled by the unusual nature of your relationship and/or concerned for your well-being.

 

I suppose I left out quite a few details about this particular couple that raised concern with me and the fact that my friend has such severe anxiety I told her she shouldn't be trying for a baby without first dealing with that as I don't believe she will cope and may end up very sick and it will put a strain on her "perfect" relationship.

 

I would say my feeling towards their relationship is one of cynicism and worry. My friend is a bury her head in sand type and her partner also has his own issues so I wonder if they genuinely will be as happy as they seem in the long term. I worry that they will have a baby (they are both very naive) and the poop will hit the fan big time.

 

I'm also actually questioning whether I consider her a good friend due to her behaviour, like the one I mentioned. We had made plans for Wednesday and when I messaged her asking whether she would like to do something relaxing instead of our original plan she told me she would be busy all week spending time with her partner. This has happened quite a few times now.

 

However, that wasn't the point of my post, my post was to establish whether it is possible to find a "perfect" match. The consensus is that there is such a thing but that good communication is necessary.

 

So what I can take from this is without being able to communicate I will never make things work even with a perfect match (I do believe my ex was a good match, I was said to be the female version of him). Luckily I'm working very hard on this in therapy so I'm feeling optimistic in some ways.

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" I told her she shouldn't be trying for a baby without first dealing with that as I don't believe she will cope and may end up very sick and it will put a strain on her "perfect" relationship. "

 

Did she ask you for your opinion on whether she should try to conceive? If she didn't then the issue is really with you - you're going to attract people who are so insecure that they're ok with this kind of unsolicited and highly personal/sensitive input or you're going to alienate people including potential romantic partners who will seek to distance themselves from being told what to do without asking for input/advice. So yes good communication is essential and my sense is that you are judging others' relationships because of how those people react when you pry into their personal affairs without being asked for such input. Just a guess.

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Thornz, you have enough to deal with yourself right now without becoming a marriage counsellor for your friend. Indeed it is most unwise to get involved in any way in someone else's marriage as you will not be thanked for it.

 

And no, I maintain there is no such thing as a "perfect" match. A good match, a suitable match, yes. Perfection does not exist.

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Sorry to disappoint but it's not bitterness, envy or resentment, quite the opposite as a relationship like that not only seems very odd to me but is actually quite frightening as a concept. .

Not sure if I understand this correctly, but are you saying a happy, successful "near perfect" relationship is odd and a frightening concept?

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Ok, so the consensus is they do exist and the determining factor is how disagreements are handled.

 

I watched a brief video on YouTube last night about conflict which made me realise some things about me and my ex.

 

Conflict was defined as not an argument but "when one party feels they have a need that is being unmet by another party". It then went on to discuss the stages of conflict resolution and stated that some people jump past the discussion stage and jump straight to the point where no resolution has been found. This stage can be expressed differently by different people as either Anger, Anxiety or Depression.

 

I think myself and my ex would both jump to that stage, him becoming angry and pursuing an argument and me becoming anxious and withdrawing/avoiding.

 

It's very interesting stuff, I've got a lot to learn. If I can improve my communication and discuss openly and ask for my needs to be met I can avoid unnecessary arguments in my close relationships? Do you think my theory is correct?

 

Communication is huge in a relationship. When you get to that anger/anxiety stage you're really at the meat of the conflict. That's where the pain is, and that's what needs to be dealt with- the "unmet need." Do you stop the argument at this stage, or do you begin the negotiation? Because that's where it needs to happen, in my opinion. It's where you can reach the best compromise so that these feelings don't have to be provoked again. But you do need to take a deep breath and push through, not be chased away by the intensity of your feelings. If that makes sense.

 

I'm working on learning how to communicate but obviously I can only learn for myself.

 

Yes! unfortunately, once you master this it's only half the battle. Good communicators can be hard to find!

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I think we would also need to define what is meant by "unmet needs".

 

I agree with everything that is being said about communication, but it IS important to remember that no spouse is supposed to be the other's therapist, mind-reader, minder, consultant etc. Or, put differently, the husband/partner is not supposed to be a "male girl-friend" nor is he cut out for that role.

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