I cheated and lost him

I had a great relationship with my ex for over 3 years and we lived together. Ever since we started dating I knew what we had was really special. But I messed up. I developed a crush on another guy who I became friends with. I never planned on cheating and never wanted to hurt my bf. One day I put myself in a risky situation of being at the other guys house and I physically cheated for the first and only time. I didn't let it go all the way but it was bad what happened. I confessed to bf and tried so hard to fix it for another 6 months, did therapy, no contact with other guy, reading as much advice as possible, etc. He broke up with me as I deserved. I feel like garbage and I have never felt this kind of guilt and regret in my life. He has since moved on and seems happier without me which I am glad he is not hurting anymore. Seeing how much I hurt him was the most pain I have ever felt in my life. I will never forgive myself. I know I can't fix this relationship as he has clearly said it's over. He has told me he is dating and sleeping around now and I am sure he has found plenty of girls who are much better than me, that wouldnt be hard. But just wondering if anyone has any advice for getting out of this depression. What do I do with my life now when it feels like I ruined it. Thx

But just wondering if anyone has any advice for getting out of this depression. What do I do with my life now when it feels like I ruined it.

I can only suggest counselling/therapy.

I have done a lot of counselling... spent over a thousand dollars already and I don't have a good insurance plan unfortunately don't really have the money to keep going. Anyone have any other suggestions? I'm losing hope.

I have done a lot of counselling... spent over a thousand dollars already and I don't have a good insurance plan unfortunately don't really have the money to keep going. .

How long did you go? What did your therapist suggest? I'm surprised you have had no decent results after seeing a therapist. If they can't help then I am not sure what's left.

I saw 3 so far. They mostly talked about how I should forgive myself and about his role in the problems as well. But he is honestly an amazing guy and I can't forgive myself when he doesn't. All that is left is suicide I suppose but I don't want to hurt anyone else ever again especially him who i know would be hurt. So I don't have any options right now. I'm also on meds for depression which are probably why I'm still alive right now.

I have never cheated on anyone, but I have done some bad things and know how difficult it can be to see and come to terms with that. Last year I falsely accused my ex of having taken advantage of me in terrible words and accusations, which hurt him so bad that it killed his feelings. So, I've been going through and working through the fallout of what I've been feeling. I'm still in the process.

1) Ask yourself why you cheated on him in the first place, what lead to that action. Run it through in your head as to how you would've done it differently now, including how you would've handled any challenges or difficult feelings that made it tempting.

If any of those challenges or issues that lead to the cheating are still there, identify and work on them.

At the same time, how would you have handled it even with the challenges and temptations, since such things are often there in life, but it's how we handle it that results in various outcomes.

Rather than pointlessly ruminating and flogging yourself, this could be a productive and learning exercise.

2) Did you apologise to your ex already? It does not need to be long or repeated, but sincere, honest, acknowledging, and also this apology should be just for the sake of apology, not asking him to take you back (he should understand that also).

If you've already done that (sounds like you may have), then that box is ticked.

3) Forgive yourself by loving and understanding yourself. Understand that we are all human, and sometimes we make mistakes that are bigger than others and regret them a lot. You did, I did, I know others who did. Nobody up in the heaven is interested in us feeling terrible, seething in depression, self-flogging, self-hating and being unproductive in our lives. Wherever the Higher Power is, I am pretty sure He/She/It has already lovingly forgiven us and wants nothing less for us than to move on, do our best each day, and enjoy life, each precious day of which is a gift.

I am still struggling similarly, but I remind myself that self-loathing is a sin also, and an act of psychological/emotional violence against ourselves. And where is God? Inside us. So, we should strive to love, forgive, and be kind to ourselves at least to a fraction of what the Higher Power already does. Self-loathing is dangerous, b/c when we dislike ourselves, we have that much less love, kindness and positivity to give to others.

4) Finally, I leave you with this video:

Something relevant I came across while watching a show:

"Neuroplasticity: Every action affects our neural topography. We literally become what we do, not what we’ve done or what we will do. We are best defined by our actions in the moment."

So, we should learn from past, let go of it, and NOT be defined by it. Past is a lesson, not a life sentence.

Thank you so much for your nice comment I really appreciate your understanding. Yes I have apologised sincerely and I think that is why he is interested in being friends with me still instead of hating me. I feel very lucky for that although I really want to be with him in a relationship again. I am still working through the guilt as you know it can be unbearable. I will keep trying

I understand. My ex and I were in long distance the whole time, so it took a while for him to be able to hear my apology. Similarly, he is interested in being friends, but made it clear that his feelings are gone. Those accusations hurt him a lot and made him feel like it was all wrong. My behaviour at the time was ugly and not possible for him to understand.

It is difficult for me also, b/c I am in love with him, and I don't know if I can be just friends. But acceptance is important. And sometimes, some things are not meant to be, even if it is difficult for us to see it in the moment.

How long has it been for you since all of this happened?

It's nice you can admit all that, and make the monumental effort you did. So at least you tried, which is still honorable despite having cheated in the first place. There's many cheaters who would never do any of that, so don't be so hard on yourself.

That sounds really tough. I know it is hard to be friends and my ex said something really similar. He said I hurt him too much for him to be able to love me but he still likes me as a friend. Do you think that can change with time? Right now we agreed to have space to move on.

The cheating happened almost a year ago, break up 3 months ago, last contact a week ago. How about you?

First, let me say that this is not a good forum to come to if you're looking to feel better after cheating. For the most part, posters here have been cheated on and have no sympathy for cheaters.

That said, I think you should go easier on yourself. The reasons are general and specific

General: Humans are not monogamous. At least no sexually - probably not in any way. Not everybody cheats, but everyone is tempted to. We are programmed to want to reproduce with many different people - that is the best strategy for the propagation of our DNA. So, if you're feeling bad or confused that you developed a crush on someone else, don't. Or, at least realize that just about everyone has faced the same temptations and desires that you did. Now, it is true that not everyone succumbs, but lots and lots do. So, you're are far from being alone in what you did and the reasons you were tempted include that you're human - heck, the reasons you gave in include that you're human, too. What you did is incredibly common.

Specific: If I'm understanding your post correctly, it seems that you were together for 9 months after you cheated. Is that right? Is that because he didn't find out for 9 months, or because he tried to stick it out and couldn't? If it's some degree of the latter, then your breakup is not because of the cheating - or, not principally because of it. If it's the former, then, well it still might not be because of the cheating. Lots of people can forgive something like that if it happened long enough ago. Lots can't, but you should remember that many couples survive infidelity. Especially if it had taken place long before it was discovered. You say it was a one time thing. If it was and it was 9 months ago many many guys could have forgiven you. My point is that although your cheating played some role in your breakup, it may not have been the only reason you two aren't together. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not, but you should try to let yourself off the hook a little. The odds are extremely high that cheating was just one of many reasons he left you, whether he acknowledges it or not.

Finally: You sound young. Maybe you're not, and, if not, forgive me, but if so, you have plenty of time and there are plenty of men. Maybe, even him, again. Who knows? But the important thing is this: The next time you're in a relationship and find yourself tempted you will find it much easier to resist that temptation. You're now in a much better position to make your next serious relationship last. In that sense, what you did will, ultimately, through the pain, make your future self and life better.

How things feel now is not at all necessarily related to how they will feel years from now. Not at all.

Sorry! I just re-read your OP carefully this time. So he stuck it out with you for 6 months?!? I'm sure your cheating really hurt him, but the cheating is not why you two aren't together anymore. I know this won't make you feel better right now, but believe me when I say that you two are not together because he wasn't the guy for you. And you weren't the woman for him.

That you aren't together is your fault, but it's his too and neither of yours - and it's not because you had a sinful afternoon, at least not primarily.

Forgive yourself.

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I would have to disagree respectfully as he has made it very clear it is because of the cheating. In terms of the confession I confessed what happened a few days after it happened BUT I remembered more details months later while going through therapy and started bringing up more details that happened which was extremely painful for him to hear but he really wanted to know the details.

After the break up he even came back after a month thinking of working things out and saying he missed me. But then when we started talking about the cheating again he changed his mind, said he could not forgive it and it hurt him too much

Also yes I am fairly young and this was my first really serious relationship.

For many of us, getting cheated on changes everything -- even if we desperately want it to not have occurred or to go away.

Some some of us try to repair things with the one who cheated. The thinking is that w can rise above their failing, that our love will be stronger than the evil inflicted on our intimacy.

But it doesn't work. So we have to move on to someone else that we can trust with our love.

The intensity of feeling that we had? Dashed by realizing it is not shared to the same level.

So your best way to get over this is to realize that whatever weakness you had that led you to do this is something you'll need to control in the future. If you cannot then you will suffer heart break again and again.

Is it true that he could fall out of love with me because of that?

And is there any way that I can bring back his feelings of love?

Is it true that he could fall out of love with me because of that?

 

And is there any way that I can bring back his feelings of love?

Most definitely. Any person cheated on by the one who supposedly loves them exclusively can feel so assaulted and wounded by that experience that it changes their feelings forever.

I suppose it is theoretically possible to get him to love you again. However, even if you do? It will never be the same. There will always be a nagging feeling of doubt.

Is it true that he could fall out of love with me because of that?

 

And is there any way that I can bring back his feelings of love?

He may or may not love you.

But what has definitely suffered is his trust for you.

Without it a relationship can't exist, no matter how much you love someone.

He wasn't able to get the trust back. That's what ruined the relationship. Not his ability to love.

thank you

Is it true that he could fall out of love with me because of that?

 

And is there any way that I can bring back his feelings of love?

I'm afraid it is. The consequences of being cheated on are too painful. I was cheated on as my previous relationship broke up, and I asked for details and she told me, and almost a year on it still makes me ill if I think about it. I have had to move on, and so will you. You will think about him probably more than once every day but as time progresses you will ease your discomfort. you have youth on your side. and as amazing as he is you will have to find someone new.

I share your pain, and I know you want things to go back the way they were, but life isn't like that I'm afraid. If he doesn't want to know the only thing you can do is work on yourself, spoil yourself a little you are hurt too.. you might have triggered it but you need to repair yourself. I went for therapy as well as posting here. it was good, but therapists will only trigger things for you to figure out they're not magicians and don't have the answers. Do you have friends you can bounce off to keep your mind on other things?

I really wish you weren't going through this, and reading your posts brought a lot of stuff back for me (My gf was young and it was her first serious relationship) - in fact I had to check your location as I thought it was her!

Do something to keep your mind active - as crazy as it sounds (having never gone near it in my life) I've started to exercise and although I start with "Stuff" in my head by the time I've done my walk or workout my head is clear and I am more upbeat.

Lastly I think I saw you mentioned suicide in one of your previous posts. You must stop that immediately. I thought about taking my own life on more than one occasion. I didn't and I am so glad. there is no answer that will fix your life instantly but suicide is not an option. and how you see the world now is not how you will see it in a year, trust me I have been there.

please keep posting and keep working on you.

big virtual hugs.

Highlandman thank you for your really nice response. I'm so sorry for what you went through and you seem like a very kind and understanding person. You do remind me of my ex a bit. I'm doing a bit better the past week and hope that you are doing well too!