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Do I stay or do I go?


Emily214

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I'll try not to go into too much detail but here is what is going on.

I am 21, and have been seeing someone (let's call him S) for 6 months now (he is 20). We meet every week and text everyday and are just generally very compatible and have strong feelings for each other.. My issue is, he has never had a girlfriend, claiming he has never been able to "bring himself" to have one. He is also Muslim, where I am not and he has an extremely strict family who wouldn't really approve of him having a relationship.

 

He has seen people in the past, but I am the longest he has ever gone with seeing someone. We have never had the exclusive talk but he has told me that he is not seeing anyone else and doesn't intend to. He constantly tells me how much he enjoys my company and also makes jokes about the future (talking about wedding, children etc)

 

Now, my question is.. do I stick around and hope he will change his mind on not being able to "bring himself" to have a girlfriend, or do you think I am wasting my time with someone who is scared of committing?

I got into my first relationship very young (15) and it didn't end until I was 20, so in one way if he doesn't want a girlfriend I'm not sure if this sort of "relationship" might be good for me but then I can't honestly say that's not me being influenced by friends/family, but at the same time I really like and S and I do wish we were together.

 

I have tried to subtly hint at what is going to happen and what is going on but he never follows on the conversation or says something like "I don't know what we are, but I like it." A personal problem is I find it extremely hard to let go of people and even if I am wasting my time I don't think I'd have the courage to move on. I feel like I have given a great deal to S and he is a big part of my life already and I wouldn't want to just give that up..

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

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No. You will always be a secret. If the family is strict, he will have to marry a muslim.

 

Move on. DO NOT ever wait for someone to change their mind. if he were into you, he would not risk losing you. The dude is stinging you along.

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He is also Muslim, where I am not and he has an extremely strict family who wouldn't really approve of him having a relationship.

Seriously? Just stop seeing him now. You will be shredded when he leaves you for the wife his family has chosen for him. I have read time and time again how "filler" girlfriends and boyfriends are heartbroken when the time comes to end the filler relationship.

 

Love yourself enough to stop having ANYTHING to do with him. Get into therapy to help you get the courage to love yourself enough to leave him if you can't do it on your own. Really....

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I have had a past experience with another Muslim man, a lot more emotional and intense. It almost killed me, there's a post on here about it actually. When will I learn *sigh*

 

Why are you getting yourself involved with men you know will never ever commit to you? Are you afraid of commitment so sub-consciously you choose men you know are safe? Do you enjoy the angst these men cause in you? What is the draw?

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Time to wake up and smell the coffee. His life will be determined for him and you won't be a part of it. Sorry, but that's how it will be. Mom and Dad have more than enough influence on him. You need to find a non Muslim guy who is free to choose his own girlfriend and then a wife.

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It just happens that the two Men I have been highly attracted and emotionally involved with have been Muslim. It's not like I am intentionally seeking them out

 

No, what it means is that you're not intentionally distancing yourself from them when they come within interacting distance with you...which is what you should be doing when you have been burnt before. Do not give yourself a chance to become "emotionally or sexually embroiled with them.

 

Once burnt, twice shy, right?

 

The definition of insanity: "Doing the same thing over and expecting different results." A. Eistein.

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I don't know they are not available until it's too late though? I dont make habit of asking on the first date if they are willing to have a relationship in the future

You DO know that they are not available.... their very culture tells you so. They will only marry muslim women from their culture. Know it, heed it, learn it and stay away from them.

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Does not mean to say I would know whether they can commit. There are many interfaith marriages and whilst I don't have this constantly on my mind, it does mean there are possibilities.

 

Do yourself a favor and quit trying to justify you breaking your own heart eventually: Next to none of those "interfaith marriages" include muslim men in them... and the majority of any that DO have muslim men in an interfaith marriage expect the woman to convert to their faith and customs... (most of which I'm sure you, as a western cultured woman, would not be jiggy with for long).

 

Look we are arguing symantics now. The bottom line is the first muslim man broke you emotionally and the second muslim man isn't committing and it is clear that you are a "filler." Open your eyes, luv and change up social circle. Stay single until you finish school if need be... the chances of you marrying who you meet in college are slim as it is anyway.

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Kinda needed the tough love.. I confronted him and he basically said we will be nothing. I just need to somehow find the strength to cut contact, which I don't know if I can do

 

Good grief! You're not helpless. You had a life before this guy. Why in the world, would you continue with someone WHO TOLD YOU that there is no future. That is masochistic and silly!

 

We have all moved on from people we loved, and survived. So will you!

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At six months in you've let yourself become this guy's secret. And you've already been through this once, so come on, you know the drill. This guy is not going to bend or change to the fantasy in your head, so stop deceiving yourself and stop disrespecting yourself by letting men keep you their secret they get to have before they settle down and marry the women their family approve of.

 

One of the most important things in a relationship is that two people are able to fully 100 percent share their lives together as a team, as a couple, before the entire world. I have no idea why you or anyone else would settle for less, but maybe it's all you think you can get. But it's all you're ever going to get if that's what you settle for and yes, you're settling. Or you would not be on this forum asking a question you already know the answer to.

 

If there's one bit of wisdom I can pass on from my own early days of dating it is this - always accept the person in front of you and always accept whether or not you can truly live with who that person is. This is key to a good healthy relationship that can grow and get better over time. And anything else is a lovely distraction at best, a heartbreak in the making at worst. The facts you've given us are that you are not the girl this man is going to marry, heck he won't even acknowledge you to the world at large as it is and it's been six months. And it doesn't sound like you are interested in joining his religion and taking positive steps to meet his family and gain their acceptance, so I'm not sure what you're looking for from us or him either really.

 

It simply is what it is and you can fantasy "I wish/I hope things will change through no effort on mine or his part" all you want. But I think you do know exactly what's going to happen. Why would time make a difference? When has time ever made a difference in who a person is or their core values or what is truly important to them? Short answer, it doesn't. I have known people my whole life and at the heart of it they are who they were when they were young, then middle aged then old? Circumstances might have changed a few sure, but that means action had to happen, not wishful thinking, but real action of either a negative or a positive source.

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Doesn't matter whether the boy is Muslim or of any other religion but if you know that he can't spend the whole life with you because of his family reasons then you should move on. Try to find the person who wants to be with you for whole of the life, and gives you commitment on his own .

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"He is also Muslim, where I am not and he has an extremely strict family who wouldn't really approve of him having a relationship."

 

This isn't something you as a non-religious adult should want to deal with. I know I wouldn't.

 

"A personal problem is I find it extremely hard to let go of people and even if I am wasting my time I don't think I'd have the courage to move on."

 

You may not like to read this, but the good news is that whether you have the courage or not to move on, it's almost certainly going to happen because of his situation, and then you will have grown into someone stronger by the end of it.

The approach I'd take if he were a girl? I would less than likely continue being friends with her besides some basic texting for a while, perhaps. Then I'd look for others to date with whom my values are more aligned. If she were to say "You've been distant. Everything all right?", I'd simply say, "Well, I've had a few dates lately, and so I've been busier lately because of that type of thing," etc. She might have a problem with that, but so what? I'm not about making mediocre investments in my time, and I don't think anybody should be. It'd be different if you were only concerned with being friends with the guy.

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