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Am I being selfish or unreasonable?


Wooodd

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Hi everyone,

 

Sorry for my first post to be one of all doom and gloom, but I'm stuck and don't know what to do.

 

I want to start by saying that I love my Wife with all my heart. That being said however we are going through some real issues, and I have been "suffering in silence" for several years.

 

We have been together for around 13 years and married for 8 of them, and we have a daughter who is 7 years old (I also have a 17 year old son from a previous relationship). Since the birth of our daughter my wife has suffered with a variety of issues such as depression, anxiety, and OCD. These have developed over the last 7 years and gotten progressively worse.

 

In the beginning I was really sympathetic to what she was going through. Being a very laid back individual (some say too laid back) I struggle to fully understand her situation but I was always supportive and listened to her and tried to accommodate her needs.

 

We are now 7 years on and the situation just gets worse and worse. She has tried counseling but that didn't help much, and her anxiety leaves her unwilling to take any medication for fear of the resulting side-effects. Throughout the last 7 years my sympathy with the whole situation has dwindled (for which I hate myself).

 

Just to give you a brief insight into what we are going through, Ill summarize in bullet-points some of the main issues:

 

  • She gets angry all the time over the smallest of things and flies off the handle. Just this morning, not being able to find our daughters hat resulted in her shouting at our daughter for 15 minutes how it was her fault.
  • I am the only one who works, and as such I do expect her to pull her weight and do the majority of the housework through the week. Is this wrong, she thinks it is as she is constantly complaining that I don't help out. This is despite me working 11-12 hour days and her doing maybe an hours housework a day. She wont look for work as she in scared she will mess it up (but will gladly volunteer and work for free for a friend).
  • The housework she does do has gotten less and less as time has progressed, and now consists of hoovering, washing pots, and cleaning surfaces.
  • She does not cook, ever (not even making toast). Her anxiety is such that she is paranoid she will poison someone and they will die.
  • She cannot take or administer any medication, even a spoon of calpol to our daughter for fear of overdosing her.
  • She is always on at me for the lack of holidays and family time we have, despite only having one income and always being skint.
  • I have slept on the sofa for the past 5 years, she claims it is my snoring keeping her up.
  • We are hardly ever intimate. We used to be but now sex is only 1-2 times per year (and generally only if the is drunk enough to stomach coming near me).

 

My biggest issue above all else is that she has no idea how her situation effects me or our daughter, never once since this all began have I been asked how I'm feeling / coping. She is either unaware of the toll it is taking on her family, or she doesn't care. I dread to think of the long-term impact it is all having on our daughter.

 

I'm an introvert and struggle to communicate my feelings or emotions, even with my wife. Although on the few occasions I have plucked up the courage (and beer) to confront her about whats going on, she immediately flips the conversation on its head and it becomes all about how little I care and how lazy I am etc.. I have written an email to her so that she has to take everything in without stopping me talking, its saved in my draft's folder. I just cannot bring myself to hit send and go through it all again.

 

Considering the situation we are in am I being selfish in wanting her to consider my mental state? I know she cannot just flip a switch and be better, I just want her to stop and think about how she is effecting everyone around her.

 

One last thing, couples therapy is a no go. She will not entertain it at all (I've tried).

 

Any help or input would be appreciated.

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Welcome !

 

I have to say that NO, you are not being unreasonable or selfish, but your wife definitely IS.

 

So to recap

 

1. No sex for years, you have slept on the sofa for the past 5 years because she doesn't like your snoring.

2. She does not work inside or outside the home

3. She demands you help her on the housework she neglects to do all day long and waits for you to get home from a 12 hour shift at work to help her do it

4. She screams at her child for no reason and blames her kid for losing a hat, she makes a big deal out a hat ?!?!

5. Can't give her own kid medication and waits for you to get home to do it.

6. Calls you lazy and that you don't care.

 

 

Ok.... I would tell her....

 

1. I will no longer be sleeping on an uncomfortable couch when I have to bust my behind at work for 12 hours a day while you sit at home doing nothing all day long, if YOU are bothered by my snoring, that sounds like a personal issue to me and YOU are more than welcome to sleep on the couch. Also, it's not normal to go years or months with no sex, I'm a healthy adult with sexual needs and I would like to have sex with you, if you are not wanting to have sex with me at all, I will find someone to have sex with.

 

2. I put in 12 hours of work a day in a demanding job, you are home ALL day, I expect the home to be clean and food cooked when I get home, you stay home with NO ONE to care for because there is no one at home except you, no kids, no nothing.

 

3. I will NOT help with inside housework because you are here all day long to do this, if you have a problem with that then you can get yourself an actual job outside the house and then we can talk about splitting chores evenly among each other. ( Another thing is you have a 17 year old son, he should be doing some housework too, he is practically and adult )

 

4. She can not be screaming at a 7 year old about something as trivial as a lost hat, that does something to kids, kids take things to heart.

 

5. If her kid needs medication, she should NOT wait around for you to do it, she needs to be a responsible mother and give her child medication. It's like she's comatose or something, she's completely useless at everything and can't do the simplest thing that a 9 year old kid can probably do ! Since she wasn't always this way, am wondering if she's just being lazy and gotten too comfortable and used to you doing it all ?

 

The way it stands she's basically another child in the house you have to take care of, you have enabled this for years, it needs to stop. Encourage her to get a job, or pick up the slack at home or divorce, she should not be getting a free ride any longer.

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Thanks for the response Vicky

 

The way it stands she's basically another child in the house you have to take care of

 

This is how I feel in a nutshell.

 

I did touch on it in my post she is unwell with anxiety and depression which is why I've 'enabled' this for so long. She was a wonderful woman and loving wife until our daughter was born. I know women struggle often after childbirth but would have thought 7 years was long enough.

 

Just to respond to your points a little:

 

1) Its not a complete lack of sex, if shes drunk and randy I might get some I also don't mind the couch that much itself, its the laying alone that hurts me.

 

2) Yes! That's all I can say to the housework.

 

3) My 17 year old lives with his mum and visits on weekends. He is a great kid and is more than willing to help out when he needs to. I'm lucky in that regard as most 17 year olds are lazy fu......

 

4) I know, a chuffing hat. I used that example exactly because of how ridiculous it is, but it can be anything (she (the wife) has a headache, its everyones fault.)

 

5) I don't do it all, she does do a little (hoovering, washing pots, and cleaning bathroom once a week. Totals about 2 hours work). That and I've just stopped doing things, let Rome burn as it were.

 

6) I'm starting not to care, and that's the real issue. Her anxiety and issues are just the norm now so whenever she complains all she gets from me is a condescending look and no sympathy.

 

I'm so glad to see someone see things from my perspective. As she has been unwell I have felt I should just grin and bare it all for so long I don't even know any other way anymore.

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Lol. So she doesn't even have to sleep in the same room with you while she freeloads. She sounds like a master of the craft.

 

Without essentially repeating everything Vicky just said, no, of course you're not being unreasonable in your expectations. The only thing unreasonable is how long it's taken to come to a head. Honestly, her screaming at your young child over a hat for 15 whole minutes should have cued you in, if nothing else.

 

If she's not willing to go to either personal therapy or marriage counseling, nevermind both, there's unfortunately not much you can do from there. I'd seriously get in touch with a divorce lawyer. Sounds like she's been dependent on you for years, so yeah, there's a decent chance you'll get taken to the cleaners, but it only gets worse with time-- emotionally and financially. You need to look to your child's best interests, so if you're wife can't be bothered with personal responsibility and lashes out at your kid, I'd strongly urge you to seek custody.

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Thanks for the response Vicky

 

 

 

This is how I feel in a nutshell.

 

I did touch on it in my post she is unwell with anxiety and depression which is why I've 'enabled' this for so long. She was a wonderful woman and loving wife until our daughter was born. I know women struggle often after childbirth but would have thought 7 years was long enough.

 

Just to respond to your points a little:

 

1) Its not a complete lack of sex, if shes drunk and randy I might get some I also don't mind the couch that much itself, its the laying alone that hurts me.

 

2) Yes! That's all I can say to the housework.

 

3) My 17 year old lives with his mum and visits on weekends. He is a great kid and is more than willing to help out when he needs to. I'm lucky in that regard as most 17 year olds are lazy fu......

 

4) I know, a chuffing hat. I used that example exactly because of how ridiculous it is, but it can be anything (she (the wife) has a headache, its everyones fault.)

 

5) I don't do it all, she does do a little (hoovering, washing pots, and cleaning bathroom once a week. Totals about 2 hours work). That and I've just stopped doing things, let Rome burn as it were.

 

6) I'm starting not to care, and that's the real issue. Her anxiety and issues are just the norm now so whenever she complains all she gets from me is a condescending look and no sympathy.

 

I'm so glad to see someone see things from my perspective. As she has been unwell I have felt I should just grin and bare it all for so long I don't even know any other way anymore.

 

I have some depression and anxiety, yet I have a career and support myself and my child. You are giving her EXCUSES, and enabling her bad behavior, she's taken advantage of you.

 

People do what they have to do to survive, I could sit at home and mop around all day in my depression and anxiousness but then if I do that how will my bills get paid and my kid get fed ? I just have to "get over myself" and show up to work.

 

She has NO excuse, NONE. And she's being a terrible mother to her child and a terrible wife to you. This is no way to live.

 

Also, it's sad that she will only have sex with you if she's drunk, that sounds a bit disgusting to be honest. There should be mutual attraction and sex weekly, especially since you don't actually have any health problems !

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I have some depression and anxiety, yet I have a career and support myself and my child. You are giving her EXCUSES, and enabling her bad behavior, she's taken advantage of you.

 

People do what they have to do to survive, I could sit at home and mop around all day in my depression and anxiousness but then if I do that how will my bills get paid and my kid get fed ? I just have to "get over myself" and show up to work.

 

She has NO excuse, NONE. And she's being a terrible mother to her child and a terrible wife to you. This is no way to live.

 

Also, it's sad that she will only have sex with you if she's drunk, that sounds a bit disgusting to be honest. There should be mutual attraction and sex weekly, especially since you don't actually have any health problems !

 

This is the problem, I love her. I must be a fecking idiot but I do. (Or at least I love the woman she was).

 

I know I make excuses for her behavior, I see it in myself all the time.

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Also remember, Woood, life is short, once around the block. Is this how you want to live until the day you depart this world. I don't think so....

 

I know, and no it most definitely is not.

 

Thank you all for the boost in confidence about the whole situation. Just sent the email I wrote. Hopefully her having to sit and read everything at once without being able to cut me off can start things moving in the right direction.

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This is the problem, I love her. I must be a fecking idiot but I do. (Or at least I love the woman she was).

 

I know I make excuses for her behavior, I see it in myself all the time.

You love her, but it seems your daughter being involved has cued you into the fact your love for your wife as secondary to the responsibility you have to your daughter.

 

Your marriage is out of your control. Your wife is sick and refuses therapy for herself or your partnership. Now she has shown she's not above using your kid as her verbal punching bag.

 

If it were just you and your wife, I'd say "to each his own" if you wanted to continue to subject yourself to the shameless freeloading. But you've got to consider your daughter. Your wife needs help and obviously has no will or really incentive for it given how things are. I hope you're consider consulting a family attorney and exploring how best to secure yourself and your daughter, first and foremost. Not saying you need to be pulling the trigger on anything this second, but discover your options.

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When I read things like this I am often wondering about the partners voice in all of this.

If she had a voice, what would she say?

 

There is something apparently troubling her and I don't know what that is.

I say this because my ex could have written a long list of my crimes towards the end of our marriage.

He felt neglected and I had anxiety and the list goes on.

But if you were to just read his list without the benefit of my input you might crucify me too.

But what you wouldn't know was that my ex was abusive and these were all symptoms of bigger problem.

 

I am not saying you are abusive. I am just careful to not throw gas on someone's fire without knowing the whole picture.

She likely does not have some sort of mysterious character flaw and from what you describe, something is distressing her.

If she was here, in all fairness what would she say?

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When I read things like this I am often wondering about the partners voice in all of this.

If she had a voice, what would she say?

 

There is something apparently troubling her and I don't know what that is.

I say this because my ex could have written a long list of my crimes towards the end of our marriage. He felt neglected and I had anxiety and the list goes on.

But if you were to just read his list without the benefit of my input you might crucify me too. But what you don't know was that my ex was abusive and

these were all symptoms of bigger problem.

 

I am not saying you are abusive. I am just careful to not throw gas on someone's fire without knowing the whole picture.

Again. . something is distressing her. If she was here, in all fairness what would she say?

 

This is a very valid reply and one I want to address a little.

 

You are right that there are always underlying circumstances that not everyone is party too. I'm a genuinely loving and caring husband (of course I would say that wouldn't I, but I am), and my wife is a beautiful amazing woman when in the right frame of mind.

 

I obviously cannot say what her rebuttal to my post would be, and if I did why would anyone believe me. I'm bound to be biased.

 

The email I've sent her is gentle but to the point. I have not gone in with the 'were done' mentality at all, even though that was the general gist of the responses I got to my post.

 

I would sooner fix things, and I really hope that I can.

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Wooodd. It isn't your job to fix anyone, even your spouse. No spouse is supposed to be the other's therapist.

 

You remarked:

 

"couples therapy is a no go. She will not entertain it at all (I've tried).

"

 

IMO she needs therapy, but not what you call "couples therapy". The fact that she refuses the idea is of itself rather ominous. Why? Because in therapy she knows she may have to face some unpalatable facts, and doesn't want to.

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Wooodd. It isn't your job to fix anyone, even your spouse. No spouse is supposed to be the other's therapist.

 

You remarked:

 

"couples therapy is a no go. She will not entertain it at all (I've tried).

"

 

IMO she needs therapy, but not what you call "couples therapy". The fact that she refuses the idea is of itself rather ominous. Why? Because in therapy she knows she may have to face some unpalatable facts, and doesn't want to.

 

It is my responsibility (as well as hers) to try and fix our relationship though.

 

I have buried my head in the sand for the a long long time which has made things markedly worse. I'm not completely without blame.

 

She shut down the therapy idea in a fit of rage while arguing, if she reads all my email and digests it all I'm hoping that she may reconsider.

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This is a very valid reply and one I want to address a little.

 

You are right that there are always underlying circumstances that not everyone is party too. I'm a genuinely loving and caring husband (of course I would say that wouldn't I, but I am), and my wife is a beautiful amazing woman when in the right frame of mind.

 

I obviously cannot say what her rebuttal to my post would be, and if I did why would anyone believe me. I'm bound to be biased.

 

The email I've sent her is gentle but to the point. I have not gone in with the 'were done' mentality at all, even though that was the general gist of the responses I got to my post.

 

I would sooner fix things, and I really hope that I can.

Fair enough.

 

There are obviously two sides to every coin, but if we abstained from advice without hearing the partner's piece, this would be a ghost forum. Fact is I do agree that something is troubling your wife. It's not normal to be content freeloading or to have no sense of pride or work ethic whether it comes to a career or your home. It's not normal to bully a 7-year old over a missing hat. She's obviously sick in some way, shape, or form. The trouble is she's refusing 1) personal counseling and 2) marital counseling. Additionally, we're talking years of this being an issue. This isn't her caught in some seasonal rut.

 

Insert whatever rhymes or reasons you'd like behind her needing help, but the fact is she needs it and isn't getting it, and it's unfair to subject an innocent child to 15-minute tirades over a boonie cap that accidentally went missing under the couch. It's fine to be understanding, but you need to be diligent as well.

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Fully agree J.Man.

 

Woodd: In your op you said:

 

"She gets angry all the time over the smallest of things and flies off the handle. Just this morning, not being able to find our daughters hat resulted in her shouting at our daughter for 15 minutes how it was her fault.

I am the only one who works, and as such I do expect her to pull her weight and do the majority of the housework through the week. Is this wrong, she thinks it is as she is constantly complaining that I don't help out. This is despite me working 11-12 hour days and her doing maybe an hours housework a day. She wont look for work as she in scared she will mess it up (but will gladly volunteer and work for free for a friend).

The housework she does do has gotten less and less as time has progressed, and now consists of hoovering, washing pots, and cleaning surfaces.

She does not cook, ever (not even making toast). Her anxiety is such that she is paranoid she will poison someone and they will die.

She cannot take or administer any medication, even a spoon of calpol to our daughter for fear of overdosing her.

She is always on at me for the lack of holidays and family time we have, despite only having one income and always being skint.

I have slept on the sofa for the past 5 years, she claims it is my snoring keeping her up.

We are hardly ever intimate. We used to be but now sex is only 1-2 times per year (and generally only if the is drunk enough to stomach coming near me).

"

 

So, OP. You are not going to be able to "fix" all that on your own. Professional help is needed. We are looking at a severe anxiety situation, and I read that she also gets drunk (you said it).

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OP, your wife is 100% emotionally abusive to you and your kid. You have tried to bring it up, but she manipulates it back onto you. People who get abused think they have a hand in why. Um, no...you're just being abused by her. I'm sorry, but sounds like she hid her crazy while you were dating.

 

What are her parents like? People don't just sporadically become like this. And no, you can't fix her behavior, email or discussion in person.

 

My MIL has been like this for 15 years now with her son, my husband. He broke away 6 years ago, but she spent two years stalking us in doing so, and still is batty. Hence, why she has yet to meet her two grandkids who are now 5 and 1.

 

Sorry, don't mean to scare you, but I would read up on this.

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I think pretty much everything that needs to be said has been said. I just wanted to add that I'm very sorry you've had to deal with this for so long, I can only imagine. I think it's a great first step that you sent the email. Let her process on her own and then approach a conversation. You deserve a partner, and your daughter deserves a good motherly role model. She may be so angry at you, maybe even hate you, but ultimately you're doing the right thing for everyone, including your wife.

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And, OP, you also remarked:

 

"Since the birth of our daughter my wife has suffered with a variety of issues such as depression, anxiety, and OCD. These have developed over the last 7 years and gotten progressively worse.

"

 

Seven years of this! In heaven's name why did she not consult a) a doctor, and/or b) a therapist to help her to overcome these serious mental issues.

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So I thought an update was in order after sending my email.

 

After reading the email my wife txt me asking me to come home and saying "I'm devistated". This was like a swift kick in the goolies to me, it was like ahe had missed the whole point of my email. She never said anything in her email like "I had no idea you felt this way", "are you ok", or even just "sorry".

 

I hated her in that moment as I drove home, selfish , but when I got home she was sympathetic and listened to me as a broke down on her. She seemed genuinely remorseful towards how I felt and we talked for hours, calmly and like adults for once. It was such a relieve to air my fustrations and be listened too.

 

She agreed that we need external help and we are going to go to our GP to try and get an appointment with a therapist.

 

My original post was obviously written out of fustration (albeit still all true), but I do not regret it as it gave me the nudge I needed to send the email.

 

I need to try and fix our relationship, I get where some of the respondents were coming from with their replies of get out and run a mile, but I cannot do that to her. It would break her if I left and I love yer too much to do that to her.

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