Miscommunication need advice

I recently posted a similar question as a reply in a different forum and got no responses, so I'll try over here.

Long story short, I've been seeing an awesome guy for three months. I adore him and he's told me he adores me as well. Things started slow (5 dates before first kiss) and then became quite passionate and affectionate.

I'm new to his town, have only lived here for six months, so a few weeks ago took a trip back home to see my friends and family.

Upon my return, our first meeting was at his ballgame. I came straight from the airport to see him there. I brought along my cousin for moral support because I felt really shy about going to a busy tournament and finding him in the crowd on my own, and also knew this would be a first meeting with a lot of his friends. I felt nervous and way overdressed and really out of my element.

When he fist saw me, he didn't come over right away and I guess I misinterpreted this as well. He hugged me and said I gave him a side hug and that when he tried to kiss me I turned away. This may indeed be true. He said after that the whole afternoon felt really awkward and he wished I would just leave because he couldn't concentrate.

But here's thing. He never told me this for two weeks. Later that night after the game I stayed over at his place and things were very affectionate and I thought, totally normal. But he said to me weeks later that the fact I had, in his perception, snubbed him in public, in front of his friends, and then been affectionate with him behind closed doors was basically a horrid feeling for him.

So, during the two weeks I thought things were just fine between us, he took me to meet his mother and sisters, we had lots of sleepovers, cooked dinners together and basically did fun things, went on dates and hung out almost every day and night. These were almost all things he initiated or invited me to.

Finally, the night of his birthday, also the night before we were going away on a four day trip with all his friends, he told me how terrible that day at the park had been for him.

The four day trip ended up being really awkward. At times he was caring and affectionate toward me, at others, unkind and standoffish, and he told me he wasn't being himself around his friends (I assume he meant with me there) When we got back we talked about it, and he agreed this was the case and basically said that he still wanted me in his life and that he just couldn't get that day out of his head, that it had contributed to sexual dysfunction and he couldn't be affectionate with me because he would think about that day and feel terrible all over again. His feelings towards me had changed and he didn't know why or what he could do.

For him, I understand the significance. He spent three years with a woman that cheated on him repeatedly, everyone knew, and he kept taking her back. She used to act like they were just friends in public and all of his friends observed this behaviour and he felt like having me not kiss him back or allow him to really hug me in public that day would have registered with them. He basically said that he went through a terrible depression and counselling from this experience and his one boundary would be never feeling like a second class citizen in a relationship again. So my behaviour was inadvertently very triggering to him.

So, I assumed the other night he was breaking up with me, but he said he still wanted to see me the next day and has been in constant contact with me over text since then. He's still asking me to do stuff.

But he said it would be up to me as he saw how hard I'd been trying with him these last few weeks, knew that he had been unkind and had hurt me.

True. I wondered on our trip if it was worth it since something previously fun and exciting had become stressful and unhappy.

I guess I'd just love some other insight or perspective or advice.

I had just got to the point where I trusted this guy and had told all my friends about him, we'd rsvp'd to my best friend's wedding, which he was enthusiastic about going to and meeting my friends and I was looking forward to him meeting my parents next month.

Basically, I don't want to break up with him just yet but wonder how we might be able to get past this. It's something I've apologized for repeatedly and honestly never intended or knew I was hurting at all let alone so deeply.

Should we have a break from seeing one another? Or should we continue trying to have dates and spend time together. I wondered if some PDA in front of his friends might help even though I know that sounds like grasping at straws. I explained to him that I get very shy about PDA and have never had that with any boyfriends, so it was definitely not just him, but then I just think I'm trying too hard and if he wants me enough he will work through this issue and come around and I shouldn't push it in any way.

Right now I am very confused. The night we had the big talk I assumed was a break up, when I said, well I guess I should leave now he said you're welcome to stay over.

I'm just conflicted. We see all these quotations that say stuff like don't be afraid to be the one that loves the most and I'm trying to be loving and gentle with him and make it clear I still care and my feelings have not changed, but also I'm just sad and wonder if we can get back to the happy relationship we previously had.

I dated someone like him.

At this point I would continue seeing him but stop coddling him about the event. You've explained yourself enough.

It's suspect that he can't let go of it and continues to bring it up. If he can't get past it my guess is this is the first of

many other events just like this. You shouldn't have to pay for the crimes of others and if he can't self soothe in these moments and trust you, then he's not ready for a relationship and needs to get back into therapy.

You did the right thing, but placating him any further will reward him from playing the insecurity card and using it against you.

I can see you doing what I did, if I love him enough and prove that I am trustworthy, then he'll feel safe.

What happens is they just keep moving to goal posts and before you know it you've lost yourself.

When he fist saw me, he didn't come over right away and I guess I misinterpreted this as well. He hugged me and said I gave him a side hug and that when he tried to kiss me I turned away. This may indeed be true.

This wasn't a miscommunication. You were put off and pouty because he didn't run over to you immediately and passive aggressively responded with the side hug/turning away from the kiss.

Finally, the night of his birthday, also the night before we were going away on a four day trip with all his friends, he told me how terrible that day at the park had been for him.

Something about his reaction seems off and wildly over done. I am not sure, but it seems like he is having such a huge reaction as some sort of power play. Its been seen before. Someone who by default is controlling plays the wounded victim to get the other person to apologize, change behaviors do whatever it takes to please the 'victim'.

Its been 3 months and all this is going on? I would end it and keep looking.

This wasn't a miscommunication. You were put off and pouty because he didn't run over to you immediately and passive aggressively responded with the side hug/turning away from the kiss. .

I might have done the same. You just started dating someone, you walk into a crowd of their friends. I am not sure how to greet him so I wait for some sort of signal. Seems like they both did the same thing but his reaction is disproportionate to the moment.

I might have done the same. You just started dating someone, you walk into a crowd of their friends. I am not sure how to greet him so I wait for some sort of signal. Seems like they both did the same thing but his reaction is disproportionate to the moment.

I am not saying it wasn't warranted to a degree, just seemed like there was dancing around what happened and why and I thought it was obvious. And his reaction over several weeks to it was completely outrageous.

I agree that I wasn't put off and pouty at all. I do have the habit of misinterpreting reactions and micro-expressions though. In that split second I think I thought he wasn't pleased to see me and also didn't know how he was going to behave with me in front of all his friends. Shy and awkward is how I felt and not comfortable with public displays of affection to begin with.

He's making you walk on eggshells for no reason at all. If he was put off by your side hug, he should have said it much sooner. And you could have explained yourself, and you could be off having a fun time together. Instead, he's using this nonexistent thing to put distance between the two of you.

I was married like that once. It's no fun at all. Because once you finally do get past this (and you will), you'll walk on eggshells until the next "misstep" you make.

Even if you really were passive-aggressively giving him a side hug in response to feeling like he wasn't excited to see you, a little communication could have cleared this all up.

He's keeping you jumping like a jumping bean: great, affectionate, loving, and then, he has to remind you of your "mistake".

I know you love him, but please take my advice to you as a warning: this gets worse.

You explained yourself to him about the ballgame like you did here, right? If he does not understand that, then you've got no where to go.

He is obviously still trying to heal from the past and all you can truthfully do is tell him that you will not do those things to him and that you do care. Now it's up to him if he trusts you.

You should lay it on the line and tell him just that. That you meant no harm and were only nervous and that you want things to work and you do really care for him. But that he needs to trust you now and get over that incident and ask him truthfully whether he can, or not.

Get an answer once and for all but don't let him continuously punish you over this either.

If he is that triggered even after you offered a pretty reasonable explanation, he's not ready for a relationship.

You can expect more of the same. Be cautious moving forward and definitely don't continue to explain, justify and rationalize. He's blowing this out of proportion. I have seen this type of behaviour before and it's usually a sign of bigger roadbumps ahead.

I'd ask him if he's willing to chalk the incident up to mixing friends in too soon, and whether you both might benefit from enjoying one another in a private bubble of intimacy for a while. This would allow you to either get back to feeling comfortable with one another--or not. If he remains unwilling to stop gnawing that bone, you'll have your answer.

BTW--did you ever explain to him how overdressed and uncomfortable you felt before he even reached you? That could help him open to some empathy, but I wouldn't raise the incident again unless he does. If he won't budge off of his own problem after you confide your own insecurities, then he's not going to quit the martyr thing, and I'd leave him to that.

You were uncomfortable and he didn't see this. You should have let him know. I don't think it's too late though if you really do like this guy. But it sounds like he's not ready for another relationship. You may have to stop and remain friends until he can figure things out. It's only been three months. It sounds like he's having a lot of wishy washy feelings of insecurity. You could remind him politely and in a genuine manner that you are not his ex wife.

My husband came from an abusive relationship, yes it happens to men, and on a rare occasion I have to let him know that I am not going to react like her and talk him through situations. If you don't enjoy PDA you need to tell him this, and it's okay not to enjoy PDA. Not everyone likes it.

It just feels like you two haven't really sat down and have had an honest, down to it, conversation. Did you talk about his insecurities? Did you compromise on ways to make each other feel better? I.E. if his ex used to do something all the time, when you do it stop and reassure him. Are you even willing to deal with his insecurities? Because you don't have to.