So confusing as to how to explain or think about this. Please advise.

After ending a 10 yr relationship last summer, around a month after I joined a dating app. After meeting a few guys I liked online, my trust was damaged badly by several catfish. Then a great guy got in contact in Dec. We moved onto a private forum to chat. I asked for his name, he gave one, I googled it and nothing came up. He was very forward and expressed deep feelings quickly, along with being gorgeous looking he was also very intelligent with a good career. However he lived in a different country in the UK. Yes, alarms bells were ringing.

During conversations he began to tell me of a past he regretted (he didn't eat babies/try to resurrect Hitler or anything like that), however his past could ruin his future or at least severely impact it. That explained the false name in my mind. But I was still wary. At Christmas I said I didn't trust he was 'him' and that I've been lied to before. He respected my decision to walk away. I didn't. We continued to get to know each other and he arranged to visit for a weekend, flight was cancelled due to Storm Doris. A family member of his then had an accident but everything seemed ok. He arranged to come over for a week, then the family member had complications due to the accident and the visit was again cancelled. I decided to search the pics he sent and they showed on a modelling webpage, I linked it and confronted him. He apologised I found them, said he sold the pics years ago for money and didn't use his name. I arranged to visit him, the visit was cancelled due to post-op complications.

He said he had told his parents and his boss that he'd met someone, then I told my parents about him. We really seemed to fall for each other but knowing he hadn't given me his true name was always causing me doubt. He wanted to know if I'd move Country to live with him. We discussed various topics it would entail. Then I inadverently frightened him about his past, he thought I told someone. He explained he'd already had a blackmail attempt. Time moved on but talk of us living together, even meeting up simmered down. I thought I was being completely messed around so I went back on the dating app. He contacted me under a fake profile and confronted me the next day, I admitted everything and apologised, explaining why I did it. He said he was angry, hurt and upset but he didnt want to lose me. He had gone back onto the app to see if I was serious about living with him. He asked to start again. He said he didn't want a life without me.

Soon after a friend asked about my love life, I told her I met someone, she asked for a pic. She came back to say without a question of a doubt the pic was of someone else and I was being conned. I asked him again about the pics. He said he'd already explained before, thought I'd had him investigated and blocked me. It was quickly resolved. A while later I said I still couldn't get my head around the pics, he blocked me again. It was resolved. He said he couldn't understand my actions, said I knew more about him than anyone in the world, yet all I could think of was 'yes, apart from your name'.

Anyway, very recently a family member of mine sickened and died. Emotions got the better of me and I bluntly asked him what his intentions about us were and that I struggled he even told me his real name. He ended it saying he'd specifically told me not to check his name, I was too much for him to handle and he wanted to call it a day. I messaged back to say that this had been caused by him not being genuine,to put himself in my shoes and to think things over before making things final. I heard nothing for 4/5 days, so I messaged to say that I guess I had my answer, I understood why he intially gave a fake surname but not why he continued to and that it had been impossible for me to trust him when he wouldn't do the same. I have had no reply in 5 days. I am not blocked however.

I know I've hurt him. He has hurt me. We are both most likely upset, angry and frustrated with each other. I believe what he has told me, yet what I could not cope with was how he could possibly love someone from behind the barrier of a false name. He most likely cannot cope with me questioning him about things he has (or believes he has) already explained. I think we are both in the right and both in the wrong.

He said we belonged together, could build a fantastic life together, he was in awe that I loved him and he never wanted to lose me. I don't want to lose him either. I think space will allow us to get perspective and to cool off, however I don't know where to go from here. Obviously there is more detail to the story but I've tried to keep it as short as possible. The relationship lasted 5 months.

I suppose what I'd really appreciate is your perspective, opinion and advice. Thank you in advance.

Two words: Nigerian scammer.

We have spoken many times on the phone, his nationality is authentic.

Have you face timed or Skyped? why not suggest this to him. if he balks or has excuses , I can assure you those pics were not his!

Fake name, fake pictures and he blocks you several times when you press for information. This doesn't sound promising.

Why don't you facetime ? Or ask him to send you recent pictures ? Or meet up in person somewhere public ?

He is too wishy washy. You can't make any concrete plans with him and he is coming off as evasive.

This is a long distance relationship which these types of relationships don't work out well for the most part anyways.

You just got out of a 10 year marriage and joined a dating app a month later, that's pretty soon to jump back in and then get quickly attached to this guy you don't even know.

There needs to be concrete plans to meet in person in a public place or end this, it's wasting your time.

I don't care how many times you've spoken on the phone.

I maintain: Nigerian scammer.

Look up how they do this. It's incredible.

I don't care how many times you've spoken on the phone.

 

I maintain: Nigerian scammer.

 

Look up how they do this. It's incredible.

While he may not be a Nigerian scammer, per se, he's definitely SOME kind of scammer. Fake name? Strike one. Possible (probable) criminal history. Fake pictures? Strike two. (Again, possible/probable criminal history and/or he's married or otherwise involved with someone else.) Cancelling meetings/refusing to meet up/expecting you to wait around for...what, exactly? Strike three. (Probably married or involved with someone else.)

At the very least, he is not at all who he says he is. If you're lucky, it's just that he looks nothing like the pics and is embarrassed by that and doesn't want you to have his real name so that you can't find out what he really looks like, and he's hoping to get you hooked on him so that when you DO meet and see him, you'll already be emotionally invested and won't have the heart to dump him. At worst, he's a criminal of some sort -- after money, or someone who might hurt you.

I would have cut him off after the fake name. Definitely after the fake pictures.

I know that after ending a 10-year relationship you are probably lonely and in need of feeling good about yourself, but...this is not the way to do it. This guy is trouble. All the signs are there, and they're blaring at you, telling you to pass on this one. Proceed at your own risk.

Stick to dating locally. This way, you get to meet a person within weeks of chatting and hitting it off. There's no more expense than a cup of coffee. You don't waste time with month upon month, involved in the fantasy world of cyber space. Meeting in person is key, because chemistry can't be determined with e-mail, photos and phone calls. Dating long distance is expensive. It forces the relationship to take an unnatural pace when you have to visit each other for long spans of time, which is smothering and seems to make the relationship appear to be more serious than it should be when you've just met someone.

I'm speaking from experience. After my divorce, I limited my dating to 50 miles within my location. I wanted a companion to spend time with, not a pen pal. Even if they were local, if they didn't ask me out within 2 weeks, I chose to move on to more viable options. It took several years of mostly failed experiences, but I eventually met my future husband through OLD. It was a lot of sifting through sand to find the treasure. We've been together 7 years, married for 5.

The 10 yr relationship I'd accepted was over long before it was final. I've met a few guys since and keep in touch with most.

I don't facetime or skype, not even with my family and I rarely take pics of myself. I skyped once with a guy and he logged into my computer. Nope, not doing it again. A lot of men have accused me of being a catfish. They ask to skype, I refuse. Ask me to take a pic holding up something specific, I refuse. I get blocked but I'm not a catfish. So I've always found it unfair to ask someone to do something I wouldn't do in return. He has never asked me for money, personal pics or asked me to help in any sort of crisis.

I asked several of the guys who'd catfished me, that if I'd have found the pics they said of them on the internet and confronted them, would they have continued to try and lie or admit it. All said they'd admit it and explained when they saw my profile they changed the the way they looked in order to try and get me to respond, but if I'd caught them, they would have come clean. They avoided giving me any specifics about their life and were always vague. Other catfish cut off contact permenantly as soon as you question anything I've found.

As far as this guy goes, he's a lot younger. I said he was too young, he disagreed and wanted to address my concerns. When the family member was in an accident, I was informed of the local and transfer hospital, what the surgeons said, what was happening, how his work was accomodating things etc. I'm no slouch when it comes to medical issues and everything he told me made sense and seeing as medicine is not his forte, I highly doubt he could have made it up, it was too complicated. I know about his family, what they do, town they live. I know the town he lives, the town he works, where he studied etc. I know of his pets, eating habits, hobbies, job etc. I know of a personal matters that he wouldn't want others to know about.

He knows the town I live, that's it. I've never given him my address, he's never given me his. He used to message everyday in the morning, lunchtime, afternoon and evening. He'd remember little things I'd said and used to tease me about my habits. If he was a catfish, he's he most unusual one I've ever come across. He's asked for nothing and never balked at meeting. I have Trucaller on my phone, his number is in UK and the name is an abbreviation of the middle name he gave me. It's his last name that doesn't check out. He was genuinely hurt when he found me back on the dating app.

He has not responded so asking him to Skype is pointless, also because I wouldn't do it anyway. I read online may people give a fake name or at least surname until they have met someone in person, it's not unusual. I just don't know what to make of things or how to move forward.

If you're 100% convinced he's not a scammer, he's still not worth your time.

Talk once or twice on the phone, text once or twice, then meet. Max.

Spending all this time on the phone, all these long emails, it's a waste of time.

Please trust me. I've online dated for 15 years; I even married one (now divorced). I've been on literally hundreds of online dates.

I met my current boyfriend of over a year online. He messaged me, we chatted back & forth for about 15 minutes, he asked me to meet him the next day. We met not even 24 hours after our first contact.

A guy who wants to meet you, meets you. Find one of those.

The 10 yr relationship I'd accepted was over long before it was final. I've met a few guys since and keep in touch with most.

 

I don't facetime or skype, not even with my family and I rarely take pics of myself. I skyped once with a guy and he logged into my computer. Nope, not doing it again. A lot of men have accused me of being a catfish. They ask to skype, I refuse. Ask me to take a pic holding up something specific, I refuse. I get blocked but I'm not a catfish. So I've always found it unfair to ask someone to do something I wouldn't do in return. He has never asked me for money, personal pics or asked me to help in any sort of crisis.

 

I asked several of the guys who'd catfished me, that if I'd have found the pics they said of them on the internet and confronted them, would they have continued to try and lie or admit it. All said they'd admit it and explained when they saw my profile they changed the the way they looked in order to try and get me to respond, but if I'd caught them, they would have come clean. They avoided giving me any specifics about their life and were always vague. Other catfish cut off contact permenantly as soon as you question anything I've found.

 

As far as this guy goes, he's a lot younger. I said he was too young, he disagreed and wanted to address my concerns. When the family member was in an accident, I was informed of the local and transfer hospital, what the surgeons said, what was happening, how his work was accomodating things etc. I'm no slouch when it comes to medical issues and everything he told me made sense and seeing as medicine is not his forte, I highly doubt he could have made it up, it was too complicated. I know about his family, what they do, town they live. I know the town he lives, the town he works, where he studied etc. I know of his pets, eating habits, hobbies, job etc. I know of a personal matters that he wouldn't want others to know about.

 

He knows the town I live, that's it. I've never given him my address, he's never given me his. He used to message everyday in the morning, lunchtime, afternoon and evening. He'd remember little things I'd said and used to tease me about my habits. If he was a catfish, he's he most unusual one I've ever come across. He's asked for nothing and never balked at meeting. I have Trucaller on my phone, his number is in UK and the name is an abbreviation of the middle name he gave me. It's his last name that doesn't check out. He was genuinely hurt when he found me back on the dating app.

 

He has not responded so asking him to Skype is pointless, also because I wouldn't do it anyway. I read online may people give a fake name or at least surname until they have met someone in person, it's not unusual. I just don't know what to make of things or how to move forward.

Well, it sounds like you're determined to keep in contact with him, despite him lying to you about several important things -- his name AND what he looks like.

It's one thing to not Skype, but he could at least send you REAL photos of himself. As for you not wanting to send photos, well...you're right, I guess, you can't expect anyone to do something you wouldn't do, but I guess I don't really understand NOT sending additional pictures (e.g. holding a specific object) if it would help to ease the other person's concerns.

And, I would add: Just because some people lie about their names until they feel comfortable doesn't mean it's OK to do so. Sending the fake pictures is just as bad, if not worse, particularly in combination with the fake name.

Another thing to keep in mind: Practiced liars often provide way too many details -- in an attempt to make their lies sound legitimate. They'll provide specific dates, locations, names, and a lot of details that you don't really need to know (like in this case, what hospitals his family members were taken to -- why would you need to know that?) People often think that vagueness is a sign of lying. It CAN be, but so can being TOO specific.

It sounds like you believe him, though if you were 100% certain he was for real I don't think you'd be questioning anything or posting about it here. If you decide to keep talking to this guy, be prepared for more things that don't add up, and decide how much you're willing to let slide before you move on.

OP.

No matter what nationality (or stated nationality) please heed what other posters are saying.

And above all, and this is important, do not part with any money.

You are being totally catfished regardless of the reasons. It's time to log off and go get some therapy to figure out why you're so hungry for any type of relationship you'd keep blowing past serious red flags that normally send people running. Oh, and look up his "real name" in a few criminal databases or online IF that's even who he is. I think you're going to find out why he was so big on selling you a fantasy, but never meeting face to face or telling you the truth then bolting whenever you pressed him. Either that or he's married with 12 kids and enjoys having a fantasy port in a storm should he decide to ever run away. Not that he will, but some people collect these types of online people the way others collect baseball cards. And no, that's not sane.

Plus am I the only one who laughed in a sort shocked, "You have got to be shipping me," when he pulled the whole wanting to build a great relationship with you at the end there when you confronted him, when hello the guy can't even meet face to face with you or tell you his real name or show you his face???? That's not a relationship, OP. You cannot build something with this guy no matter what delusions he's selling and you're buying.

His fault for being a scammer of some sort or having something really nasty to hide, a wife, a criminal record of the "Oh dear lord variety," something. Your fault though for not walking away after the first, second, third, I lost track and probably so have you time you caught him in lies and realized he's jerked you around about who he is.

At this point you cannot cry about this guy, it's kind of come back to you and your own willingness to deceive yourself. Block and delete him, because normal SANE people don't engage in those behaviors. They.just.don't. And then examine why you are so willing to blow past serious red flags, because you have let this go on so long and so far past the point anyone would normally have shut it down and walked away that you need to stop a moment and look at your own actions too.

None of what you describe is even remotely a healthy normal relationship. None of it.

You're right, he didn't need to tell me specifics about the accident and treatment. He was aware I'm relatively knowledgable in the area and was asking me why the family member was being transferred/what did it mean/what did the surgeon mean by that etc. He didn't understand what was going on and the medical jargon was confusing him. He also didn't understand why the surgery was 'successful' yet a few weeks later more surgery was being performed due to complications. He was asking advice.

As far as any pics go, I am aware that once the rights have been sold, they are 'fair game'. I don't neccessarily doubt the pics are of him as I've dated quite a few models and some of their pics also come up in random places under random names.

As far as his name goes, I trust his first and middle name, just not his last. He has a past that a lot of people would judge (nothing criminal) but it may be difficult for romantic partners to deal with, as well as others. I understand the use of a false name when getting to know someone and testing the water with sensitive information in case (as he has experienced) people try to use against him. If he wanted just to tell me things I wanted to hear then he wouldn't have told me many of the things he has. I just cannot fathom as to why he has told what I can accept, yet kept his last name a mystery.

The Irish Sea separates us, we can't just meet for coffee. Within 10 days of chatting he asked for us to meet in the New Year. He asked if I'd go to him. I said he could come to me. He agreed. He wouldn't be the first guy to have flown to Ireland to meet me, so I'd no reason to doubt that was genuine. However I am skeptical in general.

I'm not determined to stay in contact with him, I just want to make sure I'm not the one in the wrong, so to play devils advocate, let's assume that everything he has told me is true, apart from his last name, how would you then view and advise the situation?

Road. For the love of mike will you re-read this:

" He didn't understand what was going on and the medical jargon was confusing him. He also didn't understand why the surgery was 'successful' yet a few weeks later more surgery was being performed due to complications. He was asking advice."

Why you? If he wanted clarification then the people to ask were the medical team.

Get that radar up, Road.

Scams are a dime a dozen, and someone will ALWAYS fall for the scam. Remember the woman in Australia who was done out of 60.000 pounds (a lonely widow or divorcee!!) by a creep who sent her photos of someone else entirely, saying he was in a country in which he wasn't. She even took out a loan on her house to send him money.

So, as you can see, writing "fiction" is what these characters are good at.

Are there no possible dates available in your/my country? Surely there are!

He scammed you.

Why are you apologizing when he is the one scamming and lying?

He made one excuse after another not to meet (EXCUSES, not reasons, guarantee they are as fake as he is).

Is it absolutely impossible for you to meet a man in person? Or is it "safer" for you to continue this online fantasy so you won't get hurt?

According to the FBI’s Internet Crime Complaint Center, online romance scams account for higher financial losses than any other internet-based crime. It’s not uncommon for victims to lose tens of thousands of dollars.

http://www.pri.org

And:

Scammers will go to great lengths to gain your interest and trust, such as showering you with loving words, sharing ‘personal information’ and even sending you gifts. They may take months to build what may feel like the romance of a lifetime and may even pretend to book flights to visit you, but never actually come.

http://www.scamwatch.gov.au

And about his UK phoneline. That could be anyone's line, not his.

If it is a landline then you could possibly find out to whom the line is registered, upon which you will have an address.....

Yes, I have met several men in person. I'm not afraid of getting hurt, I've met some great guys, some that online look to good to be true, however they are who they are in person. Some I went on a few dates with, others just weren't my cup of tea in person, most I still stay in contact with. Some wanted more but I wasn't ready for a relationship at that time. I'm back on the market so to speak and yes, I will be meeting new guys in my own Country.

I guess the reason why I'm so open minded and slow to judge is because my own life story is pretty unbelievable at times. I've been accused of being a catfish more times than I can count. That hurt to start with but now I'm used to it. I've given off the majority of 'red flags' that have made people misjudge me unfairly. I've been through many major and unexpected difficulties for my age. I get back on my feet, shake it off and get on with life.

'Excuses' for example, on another occasion I must include my own, for fairness. The day before I would have flown to see him, my family were in Spain but my Dad was flying back that night and I was to pick him up then he was to take me to airport next morning, but his friend who had booked his flight accidently booked it for the month after, so my Dad couldn't fly back to UK and I couldn't fly to visit this guy because there was no one to look after the dogs. Sounds like an absolutely pathetic excuse but it's a fact.

LaHermes, have you ever tried getting 'clarification' from a medical team/surgeon/consultant in exploratory surgical matters? Often they won't and are very wary of providing information so they reduce risk of legal action due to unforeseen complications. Example, if a medical team advised they were safeguarding against blood clots, would you have insight into the standard procedures or possible explanations regarding the various types of clot dependant on the nature of the original injury, previous surgery, current surgical risk and previous medical history? I guess you must as you are so assured my opinion is of such little value.

So the consensus is agreed. Unexpectedly, this has really opened my eyes as to how some people would harshly view my circumstances if my story was 'told' from someone elses perspective. The bottom line for me, was that if he won't tell me his surname after 5 months then the entire relationship was pointless, regardless of what else may or may not have been true. My line of communication is left open to him, so that if and when he decides to contact it is an option but my stance would be either you give me your actual name or let things be. I trust everything but his last name but if he cannot give me the respect to tell me, then I have none to give in return.

Thanks for the links, LaHermes. Yes, he has a landline but I never asked for the number. I don't like giving out my address/landline, so again I wouldn't ask it of someone unless they volunteered the info. Also he provided the flight details the second time, the flight times would seem awkward to an outsider but our airports can have funny times depending on which UK airport is flown from on what days. He also couldn't get his head around why we had 'one airport for coming and a different one for going'. We get asked that a lot!

I just wish to add, he has NEVER asked or hinted for money, or anything of material value, naughty pics or anything else.

Has he ever asked for money? Have you sent any? He totally sounds like a scammer.

"LaHermes, have you ever tried getting 'clarification' from a medical team/surgeon/consultant in exploratory surgical matters? Often they won't and are very wary of providing information so they reduce risk of legal action due to unforeseen complications. Example, if a medical team advised they were safeguarding against blood clots, would you have insight into the standard procedures or possible explanations regarding the various types of clot dependant on the nature of the original injury, previous surgery, current surgical risk and previous medical history? I guess you must as you are so assured my opinion is of such little value.

Cool down, Road. I did NOT say your opinion was of little value.

Are you a doctor? And even if you are/were the internet is no place to be giving out opinions to a stranger on a medical situation (which by the same token, might not even be true.

And yes, I have asked people in the medical profession questions in the past and got answers. Obviously no medical team with any ethics is going to give me information about someone's else's condition, operations or treatment.

I am not a doctor so I would be in no position whatsoever to give a stranger on the net medical advice about anything.

We have all been through the stuff that life throws at us, myself included.

However, caution never goes to loss. L.

Lady Amalthea, no. He has never once requested, mentioned or hinted at the subject of money from me. He said he was comfortable enough to pay his bills currently but in a few years time he would have enough money to buy me the material things that mattered. He has never asked how much I earn, what I own or my financial status. I never asked him either, any info about his finances he gave was after a few months of us chatting, off his own choice to do so. He has never claimed poverty or struggle nor requested a need for 'help'.

LaHermes, I was giving an example, not providing an opinion to a stranger on the internet. The info I provided him was on a private, personal forum (personal mobile forum), explaining what was probably going on, I ensured he knew I was speculating as I had limited info etc. I offered no diagnosis/prognosis, simply advice on the most likely causes and what could be possible outcomes, explained jargon, example he asked 'They said they are making them comfortable, does that mean?', he thought they meant they were preparing for death, I explained it was a typical term for settling a patient into a ward and providing appropriate pain relief. The injuries sustained in the accident, subsequent surgery, post op complications and further surgical investigation fitted the initial description he told me. My point is, there isn't a chance he made it up. Therefore I cannot logically consider the cancelled flights as excuses. Especially considering the role he had to undertake for while the family member recovered as he'd already told me previously what they did for a living. Due to my background I was also able to ask questions that he would not have been able to answer efficiently if he had been lying about it. I know when people are lying about medical, veterinary or animal husbandry issues. He most certainly wasn't.

My problem is despite the warning flags (which I'm guilty of myself), I trust he is telling me the truth. Apart from his last name. Which he probably sees as largely irrelevant but I see as critical. I pretty much have no reason to doubt him, I'm pretty sharp and learnt from previous catfish, he has never failed on 'little details', irregularity in his life, age, job, mannerisms, I haven't been able to catch him out on anything but his surname, in truth. I wish I could describe his 'past', then things would be seen in a different perspective, I don't doubt he is being truthful about that either. Nobody would make it up if they didn't want to risk someone bolting out indefinitely.

I'm so skeptical in general and fear I'm guilty of mistrusting people in the same way others have mistrusted me.

Seems like you're absolutely determined to "believe" and "trust" him despite the mountains of evidence he is a scammer.

So, how long are you willing to accept excuses why you can't meet or why he "can't" give you his real, full name? Are you willing to attach yourself to letters typed on a screen and a faceless voice over the phone for years, perhaps?

No, I'm not determined to do any such thing.

Re-reading Roadrunner:

"He contacted me under a fake profile and confronted me the next day, I admitted everything and apologised, explaining why I did it. He said he was angry, hurt and upset but he didnt want to lose me. He had gone back onto the app to see if I was serious about living with him. He asked to start again. He said he didn't want a life without me.

"

I have understood from your posts that you actually haven't met this man in person. Is that right? If so how does he know "he doesn't want a life without you.?

Just trying to get a handle on all this.

You remarked in another post that you had a phone number for him and that it is a U.K. number. It could be someone else's number, but leaving that aside you do know that you can locate the address where that phone (if a landline) is located/registered.

And:

" He was very forward and expressed deep feelings quickly, " Now that's a big red flag.

I just find the situation very worrying.

You are perfectly entitled to investigate who he is. For your own sake.

When seeking a relationship with someone I would run when they started lying about their name or other important things. I don't understand why some people want to dig out the truth from someone who doesn't respect you enough to give it. Whether he is scamming or not, it doesn't change the situation much. Bad news.