Heart wrenching regret

My name is Dan and I'm 29 years old. My ex partner Sarah is 25 years old. We are both professionals that work in the city.

We met a year and a half back and fell madly in love. We have so much in common, literally everything. The honeymoon period was great. We did a trip to South America together and did lots of traveling together.

However, we were not without issues when it came to how we would deal with conflict. We are both very strong minded and would struggle at times if we disagreed on something. This could boil up into a small argument. I would normally leave and go back to my apartment. She explained to me how much it hurt when I would leave and I promised to do my best to not do it again.

We continued on in our relationship in peaks and troughs with the good times and bad.

Eventually (12 months in) Sarah started to convey that she didn't feel I appreciated her or loved her the way she needed. Looking back I feel as though I brushed it off and didn't take her telling me this to seriously.

We started to have sex less and the power bickering increased with neither party giving in.

We flew interstate a month back and stayed with my parents. Sarah and I went to the beach one day and I was feeling ill. I threw a bit of a tantrum and conveyed that I did not want to sit in the sun so I went to sit under a tree near to the beach. Sarah went to sunbathe on the beach. After 30 mins I left the tree and walked back to the apartment which was 2 mins walk away. Sarah then called a little while later in tears stating that I had left her there and abandoned her. I told her she was overreacting and send her an image of my phone map showing her where the apartment was. Needless to say she was very hurt by this and was borderline ready to jump on the first flight home.

We managed to make up on that particular weekend and had an enjoyable trip.

After we returned home we were fine for a while.

We had been practising Salsa dance lessons together and there was a graduation party at a club that Sarah really wanted to attend. I told her that I could not make it due to having my son from a previous relationship stay with me. She was hurt by this and was of the opinion that I could of at least tried to come up with a better solution. She was right, I probably could have moved things around. But at this point in time I was still being indifferent about the whole thing.

I then stayed over at hers on the Sunday and could feel she was distant. At one point she got a message on her phone and then moved the screen on purpose so that I couldn't see. I didn't make a big deal but mentioned that I had noticed. She didn't say anything. We both went to sleep with no contact and I left for work the next morning.

That afternoon I text her stating that I wasn't feeling great as I can feel her becoming distant. I wrote that she doesn't seem to care anymore.

She responded stating what did I expect, I have treated her like rubbish for so long and not listened to her and now I'm surprised that she is losing feelings for me.

I gave her a few days space and text her saying we should meet for a talk hoping she had cooled down. We met for a walk and talk and she explained to me that this isn't the relationship that she wants and that she feels we are not a good match. I heard her out and didn't say too much.

A day passed and I started feeling more desperate about the whole thing and messaged her stating I was sorry and wanted to change to treat her better. She politely replied accepting my apology but still of the opinion that right now the best thing for us was to be apart.

I gave her a few more days with a text here and there wishing her a nice day. Her birthday was on the coming weekend. I really pulled out all the stops and got her an array of very nice gifts. She was hesitant to accept them but I told her that it would mean a lot to me for her to take them.

I then asked for 5 minutes of her time to say a few things. I had prepared a 6 page apology straight from my heart. I started to read it and teared up for the first time in front of her. I sincerely apologised to her for the way I had been treating her and promised to grow into the right person for her to meet her emotional needs. It really was a great apology that I read from my heart. I even told her about issues stemming from my childhood.

We then hugged and I left.

I got a message later in the day saying that it was very brave of me to open up and that she wants to believe me but feels like we have been here before and that nothing willl change and that people can't change over night. She said she wants to take a step back and have a chance to breathe and not rush into anything.

She also said that her planned holiday to Greece coming up in a week and a halfs time will be a good break for her. She is going for 3 weeks.

I responded and explained that this time I really have seen the light and will make the changes to not bicker anymore with her. I had been doing a whole lot of reading on relationships and told her I now know how poorly I treated her at times.

She held strong but continued to text me and some trivial things over the next few days.

She then told me about a salsa boat cruise on the coming Friday and asked me if I was going. I took this as an invite and said I would grab a ticket. She didn't oppose but said that she would be dancing for most of the night.

I met her at the pier on the Friday and we were both a little early so we grabbed a drink together while waiting for some friends.

We then boarded and the music began to play. We had the first couple of dances together but I could see her looking to see if she could see any of the more experienced male dancers to dance with. I then said she was fine to dance with others if she wanted to.

We then rotated and spent most of the evening dancing with other partners. It was quite tough to watch her dance so closely with other men. But I just appreciated being with her so we had an enjoyable evening and I offered to walk her home. She said she was fine to walk herself but I insisted. So we had a nice chat on the way back to hers about dancing and how much she loves it. When we got back to hers I asked to use the toilet and she offered me some of the left over b day cake from the weekend before. So we had a few laughs and some cake in her kitchen.

We then had a nice long cuddle and she kissed me on the cheek and I left.

The morning after I woke up and was feeling hung over. A few hours passed and I started to feel real down about the whole thing. I had a breakdown and cried my heart out. I then called her in tears and said that I need to know if the relationship is dead and asked her if she no longer has feelings for me. She said she no longer has feelings for me and that every time she thinks about the relationship she feels negatively around it. She also said that we aren't a good match for each other.

I explained how heart broken I was and that I really feel we can fix it. She disagreed.

I then asked her if she had met someone else. She got a little defensive and said "no, but even if I had it would be none of your business".

I then accepted it and said bye.

Since that phone call we haven't spoken, haven't text and I have been giving her some space over the last 6 days.

I text her this evening wishing her a great and safe trip.

I have read about the no contact rule but don't feel drawn to any games as this is what caused all these issues to begin with.

I had this whole idea in my head that I need to be the in control all the time and that I need to lead. I was very wrong.

I should have really listened to her and met her emotional needs.

I have done so much reflection and reading on relationships and truly feel that I have changed and that we could be a much better couple than the last sour 5-6 months.

She leaves for Greece tomorrow and I leave for India/Nepal in a week. We are not going to be around each other for 4 weeks.

I'm not sure if the space will be good or bad. I already miss her like crazy and hope and pray that she misses me and decides to give me another shot.

I really do love her and feel like I have grown so much from all the reflection that things would be much better.

Does it sound like I have a shot?

Any gentle advice would be appreciated.

I think the ship's past. Take the holiday for yourself and move on. A lot of couples don't make it past the 18 month power and control stage. Be okay that you loved. When you've healed, try again afresh! Good luck.

I'm sorry to hear about the break up you're going through. Based on her words and actions, It doesn't look good. She's been straight forward with you, although when you mentioned her hiding her phone and stating post break up it was none of your business if she had met someone else seems like that's more than likely what happened, but that's speculation. She has stated to you pretty strongly that you aren't a good match and in her mind, when she thinks about the relationship as a whole, she feels negatively about it. I would say it's in your best interest to let her go, no contact and start the healing process to move on.

She said she no longer has feelings for me and that every time she thinks about the relationship she feels negatively around it. She also said that we aren't a good match for each other.

My advice is to stay in strict no contact from now on and try your best to move on. It has nothing to do with games. It has everything to do with respecting her wishes. Once again, you are refusing to listen to what she has been saying to you. Sadly any communication you attempt from now on will probably feel as disrespect to her feelings/ an attempt to control her and thus is liable to push her further away. It takes two to tango and unfortunately she is NOT on board. Given all your opening up, she KNOWS how much you want to fix things. You need to let go and try your best to move on. If she ever changes her mind, rest assured that she WILL come after you on her own as you have made your feelings clear.

P.S. You need to stop beating up yourself so much. a) You did things the best way you knew how. b) It always takes two.

I agree with the above. You have to move forward and stay no contact. Even if there was a possibility she has to be one to make the decision to try again.

By you breaking down and begging to her didn't help. It creates more negative feelings of desperation which she doesn't believe.

When in the relationship if you attempt to address issues near the end of a relationship than rather during it is taking as disrespect to the person. It is like saying now that i pull the life line you want to change. Change should of happen sooner.

Again stick no contact. Work on yourself and possibly date other people.

I agree with the above. You have to move forward and stay no contact. Even if there was a possibility she has to be one to make the decision to try again.

 

By you breaking down and begging to her didn't help. It creates more negative feelings of desperation which she doesn't believe.

 

When in the relationship if you attempt to address issues near the end of a relationship than rather during it is taking as disrespect to the person. It is like saying now that i pull the life line you want to change. Change should of happen sooner.

 

Again stick no contact. Work on yourself and possibly date other people.

Thanks for all the advice people.

I just don't understand how she could just turn cold so quickly. It was literally like a switch was flicked overnight and she was done. And done without emotion too. It seemed really easy for her to call if off with me.

I am also confused at the additional trivial texts post break up and that she sort of invited me to the salsa boat cruise.

I have also read into when she wrote that "right now" she thinks we should be apart. And that she Greece will be good for her and give her a chance to breathe and not rush into anything.

PS. When I walked her home from the boat cruise her phone was going off like crazy with messages at midnight.

Thanks for all the advice people.

 

I just don't understand how she could just turn cold so quickly. It was literally like a switch was flicked overnight and she was done. And done without emotion too. It seemed really easy for her to call if off with me.

 

I am also confused at the additional trivial texts post break up and that she sort of invited me to the salsa boat cruise.

 

I have also read into when she wrote that "right now" she thinks we should be apart. And that she Greece will be good for her and give her a chance to breathe and not rush into anything.

 

PS. When I walked her home from the boat cruise her phone was going off like crazy with messages at midnight.

Based on your description of your relationship, this is not accurate. She had told you before that she was hurt by your behaviour. Repeatedly. You just failed to realize how significant those warning signs were and that she was seriously upset. Each time this happened, she was trying to tell you she was not happy. It wasn't a sudden change.

In any event, all you can do is believe her that she is done and not interested in reconciling.

And I think you are also probably right that she is seeing someone else. But she is also right that it's not your business anymore. This is why you need No Contact.

I just don't understand how she could just turn cold so quickly. It was literally like a switch was flicked overnight and she was done. And done without emotion too. It seemed really easy for her to call if off with me.

What you experienced was the end result of a long internal process that started half a year before. You wrote yourself:

Eventually (12 months in) Sarah started to convey that she didn't feel I appreciated her or loved her the way she needed. Looking back I feel as though I brushed it off and didn't take her telling me this to seriously.

Like many other dumpees you just failed to recognize the signs. The additional trivial texts post break up and that she sort of invited you to the salsa boat cruise are called "breadcrumbs". They are mostly motivated by guilt and passing emotional whims yet you end up over analyzing them looking for hope at all costs. "Right now" is also a way to let you down easy, a way to sugar coat the fact that she thinks you should be apart. You seriously need to go in strict no contact. Especially if there is a third party! If you stay in contact, your neediness and desperation will only serve to drive her further away and facilitate her transition to the next person. Read this discussion 199355&highlight=zorba[/url]

She didn't even sound that great of a person, am not sure why you felt the need to apologize for YOUR behavior when she never admitted fault for any of hers.

You make way too many excuses for her, like when you told her you couldn't go to the Salsa dance because you had your son to take care of and she got upset and said you could have gave him to someone else and gone with her, that's what she meant by "other arrangements" well, she's very self centered.

Also, am 99.9% sure she has already met another guy in this tiny short time you two have been on break, this explains her phone going off with messages at midnight, her being secretive of you not seeing the screen, and then getting defensive and telling you it's none of your business.

She's not even doing right by the other guy since she's still talking to you and spending the night with you, kissing your cheek, etc.

She only thinks of her needs and herself.

You need to realize it's over, she may or may not contact you again if it doesn't work out with the other guy she started talking to, but you should not take her back, she's way to ultra sensitive about everything and self centered.

Listen to what she tells you, she's not interested in getting back together, move on.

Thanks Vicky.

You are echoing what a close friend of mine has told me too.

Onwards and upwards! 🙂

I am sorry it has ended. I know it hurts and seems so easy to fix but she has obviously been chatting with some other guy during your relationship so basically she was emotionally cheating on you. She waited to end things with you till she had this other guy lined up and was sure he was a better limb to swing to.

The invite to the salsa thing was her way of making sure she was making the right choice and she may have hoped you would make a mistake so she could use that as an excuse to cut you loose.

I know you feel like you are mostly to blame for this ending but in time you will see that she had a hand in it too.

Go total NC and start working on the things you wanted to improve about yourself but instead of doing them for her you will now be doing them for you which is what you should be doing anyways. While you are healing and growing your view of the relationship will change as your feelings for her start to fade and she comes down from the pedestal. Don't dwell on what went wrong but certainly use it as motivation for growth and improvement.

You have learned a lot about yourself through all this so it wasn't a total loss and the next time you find yourself in a relationship it will be much different I am sure.

Leave her alone and focus on yourself and spend time with friends. Taking some salsa classes is a great way to meet women I hear

Lost

If we disagreed on something, I would normally leave and go back to my apartment. She explained to me how much it hurt when I would leave and I promised to do my best to not do it again.

 

Sarah started to convey that she didn't feel I appreciated her or loved her the way she needed. Looking back I feel as though I brushed it off and didn't take her telling me this to seriously.

 

We started to have sex less and the power bickering increased with neither party giving in.

 

I threw a bit of a tantrum and conveyed that I did not want to sit in the sun so I went to sit under a tree near to the beach. After 30 mins I left the tree and walked back to the apartment which was 2 mins walk away. Sarah then called a little while later in tears stating that I had left her there and abandoned her. I told her she was overreacting

Even with all the added statements where you try to play "victim" or excuse your poor behavior because of this or that, you really sound like you took her for granted, blew off how she felt, and pretty much always put how you feel first and foremost every time.

And even with all that you did, instead of really looking within yourself with what happened, you want to focus on it being that she found "another guy", and again tried to scapegoat being selfish by asking her if it was another guy. Asking her says, "I'm not accountable for my actions." Unless you learn to make your partner feel like a priority, the same will happen again and again in all your other relationships that follow.

BTW, the salsa graduate class was probably the hair that broke the camel's back.

It sounds like there were issues on both sides, yet you're taking the full brunt of the matter, therefore selling yourself a bit short. Although there's no indication of her finding someone else, there are many signs that point in that direction.

If that's the case, she obviously found a replacement and used this scenario as her ticket out. Either way, and (assuming) this is what occurred, you were dealt an unfair hand, as well.

Thanks for all the responses.

I suppose I was caught off guard with the ending. I knew she was upset but really didn't believe she would end it.

Only a few months back she was still showing strong signs that she was in love with me. She would do nice things for me, make romantic gifts for me and write really sentimental cards stating how much she loved me and that nothing would come between us.

I suppose I believed her and really thought we would be together for the long run.

The relationship did seem to be about her way a lot though and if we didn't do what she wanted she would get iffy. I would always have to cave in to any disagreement or there would be issues.

On the other hand though I was kind of happy with that though as what she likes doing I do too.

I am doing all the things that everyone is telling me to do including getting out there a lot but secretly I am holding on to a bit of hope that we can rekindle things.