BF controlling what I post

This whole thing seems so silly, it's embarrassing to even write out, but I'm torn here...

My boyfriend and I are both in our mid-20's. So, call it dorky, but the opportunity came up to go to a cosplay convention. I know, we're old for this, but I've always wanted to go, and my BF has gone many times in the past, mostly for his friends. I've never gone before, and both our friends will be at the same event... So I thought... why not? We decided on it, and thought it would be fun to start going to all sorts of conventions. So I got my costume together. (The character is dVa from Overwatch.) I put it on and had him take some pictures, and the outfit turned out better than I expected. It was all fine until...

I posted one of my pictures on instagram, NOTHING inappropriate or sexy at all, and told him it would be fun to make an IG for our cosplaying. To my surprise, he blew up at me... He said I'm asking for it, and attracting the biggest perverts and don't care about his feelings. On one side, I understood his insecurity, but I felt defensive because he attacked me instead of just telling me how he felt. So I put up a bit of an argument and he interrogated the crap out of me, asking over and over again why I need to post pictures, cornering me until I would "admit" I am seeking attention and validation and that's all there is to it. This is stupid, because I've never posted anything risqué, not one bit my entire life, not even a swimsuit picture or anything! I told him I didn't need cosplay as an excuse if I needed validation. Yes, social media is vain in nature if you look at it, but he has one too where he posted pictures of him flexing at the gym months ago and it never once bothered me! Because I trust him!

This was all this weekend. During the argument, he kept checking the picture and asking who each and every person was that "liked" it. Most of them were my friends and family! So I said fine, if it makes you this uncomfortable, I'll remove the pictures! I did so, and when I even bring it up again, he gets mean, accusative and defensive again. He apologizes after each time, but then does it again if I don't agree with him. I told him I feel like he's trying to control me, and he's being nasty and not trusting me for no reason, treating me like he's my father. I am not an attention seeker, never have been. I don't flirt with others and I am very good to him and have my own job, pay my own bills and ask for nothing but love and trust...

My conflict is that I don't know who is right or wrong here. He says me putting up even one picture of me in costume = needing attention, putting "everyone on the internet" before him, and keeps asking why it's so important to me. It makes him uncomfortable and insecure, I get that, but is that enough of a reason to accept it?

My argument is, it's the principle of the matter, that he thinks I need his permission when I would never post anything "ty," and that it's unfair of him to be so harsh about it. I do believe in a relationship, there is always compromise and our insecurities aren't always justified but should be respected, but I also don't want to be controlled for the sake of keeping the peace... How should I handle this??

tl;dr- bf won't "let" me post a pic of me cosplaying as the character dVa from Overwatch because he thinks it's attention seeking and that I don't care how he feels, and that I'm "asking for it."

If anyone says " you're asking for it." And bullies you into admitting they want to hear and not what is the truth that tells you everything . I would be gone .

He got you to do what he wanted, didn't he?

How much are you willing to give up just to keep him?

He's controlling and possessive. There was absolutely nothing wrong with you posting that pic to Instagram. Nothing. You were just having fun and showing people what you were doing and a normal, healthy boyfriend would either not care or be proud. He doesn't have a side to this.

This isn't going to get better. Soon expect him to start cutting you off friends, then family, then needing to know where you are at all times, then stopping you from trying new things without his approval and not letting you be yourself. Some of this has probably already happened.

If you think this seemed to be an isolated incident (which I doubt) you should post that picture on every type of social media you can and tell him that you are your own person and won't tolerate this type of jealousy and control. Otherwise, I would run, not walk.

He says me putting up even one picture of me in costume = needing attention, putting "everyone on the internet" before him, and keeps asking why it's so important to me. It makes him uncomfortable and insecure, I get that, but is that enough of a reason to accept it?

 

My argument is, it's the principle of the matter, that he thinks I need his permission when I would never post anything "ty," and that it's unfair of him to be so harsh about it. I do believe in a relationship, there is always compromise and our insecurities aren't always justified but should be respected, but I also don't want to be controlled for the sake of keeping the peace... How should I handle this??

It doesn't "make" him feel uncomfortable and insecure. Nobody can "make" another person feel anything. It's just that he has certain unspoken rules about the roles of men and women - i.e. that you are his property, and need his permission for such things - and when you act in a way which affirms you as a person in your own right he feels his entitlement has been violated. This is controlling and abusive, and far from being a silly thing to be writing about, it's the tip of a very serious iceberg.

You don't say how long you've been together, but my guess is that in time more controlling behaviours will reveal themselves.

FWIW, I've had a couple of relationships where the guy dictated things like this, gradually getting worse and worse... I thought I could "make" the guy feel secure by complying with the demands. This was a nonsense, and it took a long time to get my self-esteem back after the end of the relationship.

Long story short... if anyone tried pulling a stunt like this with me nowadays, I'd be out of there so fast you wouldn't see me for dust!

My conflict is that I don't know who is right or wrong here. He says me putting up even one picture of me in costume = needing attention, putting "everyone on the internet" before him, and keeps asking why it's so important to me. It makes him uncomfortable and insecure, I get that, but is that enough of a reason to accept it?

."

You are the only person who knows for certain what your motivation and intentions are.

Read that again. ^^

He can tell you otherwise until the cows come home but you are the only one who knows your truth.

Do not ever let someone define your experience. He's not a mind reader.

His insecurities are his to deal with. You giving into this just reinforces his bad behavior. . so expect more of the same.

Well, if he is posting pictures of himself flexing at the gym and he goes to cosplay conventions with his friends often, then I would say what's good for the goose is good for the gander right ? Or is he the only one allowed to do anything ?

I could sympathize if he is a reserved person himself and you were posting pictures with your breasts all but hanging out looking for male attention online, but, if the costume was pretty conservative and it was pretty much your family clicking that they liked it... well, what's wrong with that picture ? I see nothing wrong with it. Seems harmless.

There just seems to be no happy medium in the relationship though, if you wear it and go to the cosplay, you won't hear the end of it from him, if you stay home then it's like you are missing out on doing harmless things that you might have really enjoyed doing and experiencing.

What bothers me personally is the fact that he does whatever he feels like doing, but when you do the same it's " you are attention seeking". Seems a bit sexist

The thing is, you've now shown him that all he has to do is throw a tantrum and you'll give in.

He's not acting like your father. He's acting like a petulant three year old whose Mommy wouldn't buy him candy, so he threw himself on the floor and kicked his feet and pounded his fists until Mommy gave in and did what he wanted. And you rewarded his tantrum by giving him what he wanted.

You're setting a dangerous precedent here.

The thing is, you've now shown him that all he has to do is throw a tantrum and you'll give in.

 

He's not acting like your father. He's acting like a petulant three year old whose Mommy wouldn't buy him candy, so he threw himself on the floor and kicked his feet and pounded his fists until Mommy gave in and did what he wanted. And you rewarded his tantrum by giving him what he wanted.

 

You're setting a dangerous precedent here.

I'm wondering just how accommodating he would be if she tells him that she wants him to take the picture of him flexing at the gym down because other women will look at it and he is seeking female validation and attention.

I'm wondering just how accommodating he would be if she tells him that she wants him to take the picture of him flexing at the gym down because other women will look at it and he is seeking female validation and attention.

Then they'll get lost in all the minutiae and lose sight of the big picture.

It's not that both of them should have the opportunity to be unreasonably jealous and controlling.

It's that neither of them should stoop to this immature behavior.

The moment the words "Asking for it," come out of someone's mouth should be the moment, the exact moment, you tell them, "We're done here. Never contact me again."

And then you block and delete them and don't look back.

Because that little comment right there says soooo much about this guy's character it's not even funny. This WILL get worse. How far are you willing to give up on all things in your life for this guy, because today it's all about you not showing a costume you should be dang proud of having created. Tomorrow the "you need to get rid of this friend, that relative, your job, don't make eye contact in the store, stop being on social media..." is next.

I'm sorry, normal sane people don't act like that. AND the words "Asking for it" don't come out of anyone's mouth, but those who are abusive and/or think it's people's fault when they are abused or bad things happen to them.

I know you are not going to want to see this for what it is right now. I know you don't want to believe someone you love has just shown you an abusive controlling side, but that is what just happened. And it will get worse. This didn't come out of nowhere. There were red flags before, you need to take a look back. This is just the one that's so big you can't ignore it and you shouldn't. At all.

There is no reason to accept his behavior. There is a ton of reasons to tell him to get therapy and to never come near you again. Then block him, delete him, heal from it and read up on warning sighs and red flags of an abusive relationship. Because those red flags are already flapping loudly and clearly in front of you. And no, that doesn't go away, it doesn't get better, no not even if you do what they ask. You don't get it's not about you having done anything wrong or him being insecure. It's about his addiction to controlling you and seeing how easy it is to make you jump when he snaps his fingers and just how easily you will let him take over your life.

I have nothing more to add to what has been said by other posters. You should be running, not just walking, away from this guy for good.

I think you should stay with him, in fact marry him as soon as you can. Why? Because as long as you are with him, he is going to control every single aspect in your life. In fact, you might not ever leave the house again. Why should you? You have the perfect mean. Things like freedom to talk to anyone you want, friends, when you go online, who you call, when you talk to your family, when you go outside, when you go shopping and even how you dress will all be decided by him. You really dont need that do you? You dont need friends or family right?

You are going to have an amazing life with him. Constant fights and you having to prove every single day that you are not cheating on him and how about giving your life to making him happy because you dont need to be happy as long as you are with him. Imagine, you are with a guy that has to be told every day that you have devoted your life to him and imagine if he gets physical with you because that would be the next logical step and he will for no reason what so ever.

You have picked the perfect guy. Freedom is way over rated.