Sister tells me her personal problems but balks when I give advice

It's usually relationship problems but sometimes it's just career path struggles or other things.

She lives in another state so we don't see each other often, but it's like, she will call me to talk about her problems which is fine and I don't mind hearing them, but the minute I say.... " Well Sandra, you shouldn't have stood the guy up 3 times if you wanted a date with him" or some other comment about what she did wrong, she ends the conversation by hanging up on me, will sulk for DAYS, and then the next time we talk she says I handled things wrong and that she just wants to be listened to not given advice.

I'm frustrated because I can see where she went wrong in some cases and it's like, well had she done it differently the outcome would have been much more to her liking, and sometimes it can still be salvaged if she's just willing to take that initiative.

So, how to deal with her ? Should I just put the phone on speaker and go about my tasks as she vents to me and not interject with any advice, or not answer her calls if that's all she wants to talk about ?

Listen to what she just told you. She wants you to listen.

Often times we already know the answer. It just takes us a while to get there. Bouncing things off of someone who is empathic and listens helps to sort it out.

Telling them how much they screwed it up isn't always helpful.

Your first option is honestly your best bet here if you want to keep in contact with your sister. Sometimes we just need to be listened too instead of told, if that makes sense? I can definitely get like that too, and I get irked when people tell me what I should have done or what needs to happen now unless I explicitly ask for advice, usually because I already know exactly what I did wrong or I know what steps need to be taken and I'm just in the mood to mope before moving on with life.

You can try talking to her about the fact that you can't handle all her personal drama all the time, and maybe she'll lighten up on it a bit. Don't be surprised if she gets her feelings hurt though; I'm the same way.

Your first option is honestly your best bet here if you want to keep in contact with your sister. Sometimes we just need to be listened too instead of told, if that makes sense? I can definitely get like that too, and I get irked when people tell me what I should have done or what needs to happen now unless I explicitly ask for advice, usually because I already know exactly what I did wrong or I know what steps need to be taken and I'm just in the mood to mope before moving on with life.

 

You can try talking to her about the fact that you can't handle all her personal drama all the time, and maybe she'll lighten up on it a bit. Don't be surprised if she gets her feelings hurt though; I'm the same way.

Ok, I see, I'm just going to pick up and listen, if she wants advice I'll wait for her to tell me she wants it.

It's just really hard to not give it ! It's like a pimple that I need to pop or something lol.

Ok, I see, I'm just going to pick up and listen, if she wants advice I'll wait for her to tell me she wants it.

 

It's just really hard to not give it ! It's like a pimple that I need to pop or something lol.

Especially when it's someone as close as your sister.

Your intentions are good. . but. . .

I have an "Everyone gets one" policy. You get one free complaint / gripe / whine about whatever. I'll listen without a peep. Complain about the same thing again, you get my $0.02. A third time, I tell you it's boring now. Be understanding and supportive of the ones you love, but don't let it get to the point of toxicity.

I have an "Everyone gets one" policy. You get one free complaint / gripe / whine about whatever. I'll listen without a peep. Complain about the same thing again, you get my $0.02. A third time, I tell you it's boring now. Be understanding and supportive of the ones you love, but don't let it get to the point of toxicity.

Well, some of her problems are repetitive, which I do feel is somewhat of a problem because other peoples constant negativity do drain you. The thing is, she's family so it's hard for me to not try and help out or say " Sorry, but your problems are draining me especially when you don't want any help with them and you just want to vent"

She doesn't really call me as much if it's not to vent about something.... Maybe I should suggest she see a personal counselor ? That way our relationship doesn't become too strained.

So, how to deal with her ? Should I just put the phone on speaker and go about my tasks as she vents to me and not interject with any advice, or not answer her calls if that's all she wants to talk about ?

She's told you that she just wants someone to listen.

If you need to put her on speakerphone and make encouraging noises every now and then, then do that.

I have an "Everyone gets one" policy. You get one free complaint / gripe / whine about whatever. I'll listen without a peep. Complain about the same thing again, you get my $0.02. A third time, I tell you it's boring now. Be understanding and supportive of the ones you love, but don't let it get to the point of toxicity.

I think this is absolutely, positively, even-for-j.man dead bang brilliant.

"Well Sandra, you shouldn't have

I've found it most helpful to avoid 'shoulding' on people, especially loved ones, by removing 'should' and 'shouldn't' from my vocabulary. They're provocative and rude words. There are more creative ways to help someone get to their own solutions. One teacher helped me to see this with her mantra, "If I say it, then I know it--but if YOU say it, then YOU know it." So using methods to get sister to say what you already know is the best way to help her resolve her own problems.

Badmouthing sis's actions will only prompt her to defend them, either vocally or just in her head. That's counter productive, because then she'll believe her own defense rather than YOUR solution. So skip that, it embeds her more deeply into her own mindset and alienates you and erodes your relationship--have you noticed?

Instead, ask questions until SHE voices her own solutions. Ask, "What would you like to do about that?" or "What do you wish you'd done differently?" or "How can I help?" Questions that shift her mind out of the emotional venting mode into a rational problem solving mode will serve her best to learn how to solve problems. When she responds, "I don't know..." you can simply say, "Well, the question can stay open if you'd like to revisit it with me." This allows her time to think and come up with answers on her own while you avoid positioning yourself in an adversarial role that doesn't serve either of you.

Most people need to spin their problems around and come up with our own answers, sometimes multiple times. The more gentle questions you can ask, the closer you bring her to learning how to resolve issues, which is the whole point.

Head high.

Google search the video "it's not about the nail". Aside from being funny, this explains what your sister wants. Just let her vent. Catfeeder makes a great point as well to let her come to the conclusions and solutions instead of you doing it for her.

I've found it most helpful to avoid 'shoulding' on people, especially loved ones, by removing 'should' and 'shouldn't' from my vocabulary. They're provocative and rude words. There are more creative ways to help someone get to their own solutions. One teacher helped me to see this with her mantra, "If I say it, then I know it--but if YOU say it, then YOU know it." So using methods to get sister to say what you already know is the best way to help her resolve her own problems.

 

Badmouthing sis's actions will only prompt her to defend them, either vocally or just in her head. That's counter productive, because then she'll believe her own defense rather than YOUR solution. So skip that, it embeds her more deeply into her own mindset and alienates you and erodes your relationship--have you noticed?

 

Instead, ask questions until SHE voices her own solutions. Ask, "What would you like to do about that?" or "What do you wish you'd done differently?" or "How can I help?" Questions that shift her mind out of the emotional venting mode into a rational problem solving mode will serve her best to learn how to solve problems. When she responds, "I don't know..." you can simply say, "Well, the question can stay open if you'd like to revisit it with me." This allows her time to think and come up with answers on her own while you avoid positioning yourself in an adversarial role that doesn't serve either of you.

 

Most people need to spin their problems around and come up with our own answers, sometimes multiple times. The more gentle questions you can ask, the closer you bring her to learning how to resolve issues, which is the whole point.

 

Head high.

This is good advice for ANY type of relationship, whether it's friends, family, spouse, thanks ! Will try this.

Agree with Catfeeder but with rare exception I would ask if she wants input -and use a neutral tone so it doesn't seem like you're chomping at the bit to give your input.

Agree with Catfeeder but with rare exception I would ask if she wants input -and use a neutral tone so it doesn't seem like you're chomping at the bit to give your input.

Yep. If she views you as the know-it-all who's out to show off or shame her, then you'll only teach her that you're not a safe person with whom to work stuff out. Guide her to think for herself in kind ways, and whenever she comes up with reasonably good answers, heap praise and consider rewarding her with something of value to her. It might be as simple as more of your time or treating her to an ice cream cone or helping her to feel like she's growing into a great problem solver.

The goal isn't to control her behavior, but rather to cultivate the best possible relationship where she won't cut you off from information out of embarrassment. From there, you're in an important position to help her grow into someone who's so good at problem solving through playing out potential consequences that you'll trust her in the future with confidences of your own.

Google search the video "it's not about the nail". Aside from being funny, this explains what your sister wants. Just let her vent. Catfeeder makes a great point as well to let her come to the conclusions and solutions instead of you doing it for her.

Hilarious video