Intimate with guy friend and now we're not friends-he's "done with me"

Hi, so i know this is a little different since we weren't really dating. However, we were friends/coworkers for over 2 years. We had a pretty obvious attraction and bond with each other in that time and even had an intimate moment once before that we moved on from. Since the first time, there was confusion of feelings on my part because i thought i felt more and that he felt more, but his actions also showed me he didn't. He would lead me on and then go on to date other girls. I accepted we were just friends and after numerous arguments and not talking, we found our way back to each other and rebuilt our friendship.

Recently, three weeks ago, he came over to my place and we were intimate. Given our past, i began to think, maybe overthink, the next day and told him that i needed to talk to him about how i was feeling. I told him i wasnt trying to start a fight or problems, but I wanted to let him know that i didn't want to be a FWB situation and that i felt confused. He said he understood and would give me space. I later apologized if he felt my words were harsh and he said "okay". The following days we smiled as we walked passed each other until one moment when it looked like he was ignoring me. I texted him that i wasn't mad at him, but if he was mad at me to let me know.

The following day, i texted him to talk in person just to make sure that we were on the same page and his response was basically "no not really. i'm over it. moving on." He basically told me that i made everything such a big deal and that i'm too emotional. He refused to talk in person and said he only liked me as a friend. Mind you none of my statements alluded to me wanted to make him my BF, in fact i was acknowledging that i knew he didn't like me like that!! ughh so after that, i told him to lose my number and delete me, but i beat him to it and deleted/blocked him on everything mostly because i don't want to see what he's up to. I know i made mistakes, but they were not intentional to hurt him, like he is doing to me. I know i don't deserve that nonsense, but i can't help but feel bad and frustrated.

What is it you "don't deserve?" You voluntarily had sex with a coworker who had made it clear he wasn't interested in a relationship. Nobody was slighted.

He's not intentionally hurting you. In fact, I'm thinking he's being a lot more patient than many would be in that situation. He told you he'd respect your space and you continued to press despite it.

You weren't wrong to have sex with him, but it was quite evidently wrong for you. Sounds like it'd be worth it to work on your sexual boundaries as well as work-life boundaries. You'll do fine. Best of luck.

I totally see what you're saying and i acknowledged that it was a poor decision for me in particular, given our history. I didn't press him on anything, after my initial asking for space, i decided to check in a week later. that's not pressing. We were supposed to be friends who have shared a lot of memories. The least he could do was talk to me face to face. He gave no indication he was upset about anything. I haven't bothered him since. That's all and i understand it's a different perspective. i'm not giving him an out for this, sorry.

An out for what?

It just kind of sounds like you're saying it's mostly my fault and that he's behaving in the best way possible given the circumstances and he ultimately doesn't have to take responsibility for ignoring it all. I acknowledged that we made a mistake and my feelings got temporarily confused ( i don't even know how to explain it). I acknowledged it to him, but i never indicated i was upset, blaming him, or wising/hoping/ praying that sleeping together meant we were more. I guess i was trying to communicate my feelings so that he would not interpret my body language of "needing space" as being mad at him. I guess that was too much communication. I just figured that given our history and even conversations that i could talk to him in that sense. I'll have to learn to keep that to myself then.

Well, you just keep bringing the same topic up over and over.

First you have sex with the guy, then you tell him you don't want a FWB, then you keep apologizing for what you said when you said NOTHING wrong, so he tells you he will give you space, but then you keep getting in touch with him and wanting to talk in person to apologize for NOTHING at all other than the fact that you said you didn't want a FWB, and now you are upset that he called you emotional so you blocked him all your social media and say you are over worried that he thinks you were hinting at him becoming your bf since you don't want a FWB.

STOP.

You have learned two valuable lessons.

1. Don't sleep with coworkers/ men that you have not established a relationship with.

2. Do not keep contacting a guy to continually apologize for the same thing, when that thing doesn't warrant an apology in the first place, you not wanting a FWB is nothing to apologize for, that's just stating what you want.

He knew you weren't mad at him. You told him you were "confused" after having sex. He quite rightly gave you space due to that. You used "thinking he was ignoring you" as an excuse to dredge it up again. Then you wanted to talk in person to make sure "you two were on the same page," which is absolutely unnecessary and, again, dredging up unnecessary drama. He seemingly and correctly asserted another degree of separation afterward. Bear in mind, you two share a workplace environment, so it really was in his best interest (and yours, for that matter) to do so.

I don't know where you're getting this idea of "fault" from. You both seem to have made mistakes on your own accords (him having a ONS with a coworker and having to deal with her emotional fallout, and you having had non-committal sex and struggling to cope with it), but as far as your mutual interaction is concerned, neither of you are at fault for it. You're two consenting adults. It simply is what it is. You live and you learn.

Thanks for your guys' input. I do over accommodate. Maybe afraid of just letting go of what's not working. I did stop, trust me. We haven't talked in 3 weeks and I'm ok with for the most part. just mourning the loss of a friendship, i guess. But yes, i shouldn't apologize for stating what i want in order to spare feelings. AND YES no coworkers/men that i haven't established a rel. with. Major faux pas on my part. Did exactly what i told myself not to do. too.

So, stop and be honest with yourself for a moment. Your words are saying "I don't care how he feels" and your actions are saying "Oh god I really care what he thinks of me and I don't have closure". You clearly wanted more with him. It's okay to admit that - more than okay. I think it's necessary. Never feel ashamed for growing feelings for someone, it is a wonderful thing and if someone doesn't reciprocate that doesn't make it wrong that you felt that way in the first place. Understanding this helps you move on.

Now, I'm not going to shame you for what you did here as I don't disagree with casual sex in theory, but I am going to tell you that your feelings on the situation at the moment are something which are entirely within your control...and you know that, which is why you keep apologising, because you're basically saying "I know I should have done something different here and I don't have the skills to do that right now". Your 'first mistake' was not sleeping with him...I don't believe that you were entirely sure how you felt about him before that. You stated you had mixed feelings for a very long time. Might I ask why? Is it because you knew that he was not particularly into you, or not really relationship material?

Your first mistake was telling him you were confused after the fact. Reaaalllly bad move, what is someone supposed to say to that? Never show someone that you regret sleeping with them, even if it's true. Ouch. What you should have done was take a few days and decide a) I actually like him, so I'm going to put myself out there and ask him to hang out again next weekend (at least then I'll know if he wants to see me again)...or b) That sex was not so great, this guy is not so great, I'm going to take some space from him for a few weeks/months and maybe in the future we can laugh about this.

Those are pretty much your only true options for dealing with the situation...But what did you do? You went to him with a halfway point that suggested negative feelings about the situation and a decent amount of insecurity that you were hoping he might help you with (why else would you involve him in your decision process?). His only real option is to let you figure that out on your own.

Your second mistake was a continuation of the first: You don't tell him that you want a relationship, rather you try to get him to help you resolve your feelings on the matter by asking him to talk. Again I'm not trying to shame you, but why??? It's not his fault that he couldn't find a way to help you deal with those emotions, by virtue of not being in the same place as you were.

It's okay that this situation didn't turn out so well. You are going to learn so much about yourself from this, and that is a hugely valuable thing. You can use this as a lesson in setting boundaries with people early on, and clarifying your own emotions before heaping them onto someone else. Unfortunately, we are the only people who can take responsibility for these things in our own lives...as you've just learned, you cannot rely on other people to do any part of this for you.

I'm sorry you are hurting...I hope you feel better soon.

He showed you he didn't care about you, but you kept on serving up the sex. That's on you. Be smarter next time.

Only sleep with people who actually want more from you that sex!

You had more feelings for him than he did you.

That being said, you shouldn't have had sex with him because it sounds like you expected something to come out of it while he only wanted sex.

Now you are frustrated that he did not have any romantic feelings for you and he is frustrated because he only wanted casual sex with no intimate relationship.

You need to let this go. You will only end up getting more hurt expecting that he is all of a sudden going to feel the same for you as you do for him.

It's unfortunate, but it's not going to happen

You are entitled to your feelings but you also responsible for them. He isn't. He made it clear that he didn't care. He didn't want any emotional involvement. Yet you kept dragging him into your emotional confusion so he asked to be dismissed. From an outsider's point of view, you overstepped your boundaries and created unnecessary drama out of nothing. You could not handle his indifference and you tried to keep him involved in your internal struggle in a passive aggressive way which became annoying for him. You need to learn to let go of people who do not want emotional involvement. Trying to stay friends in such situations is delusional. Unrequited feelings and 'friendship' do not mix.

I'm with the others.

You saw after the first time that he wasn't interested in a relationship. That is where this all should have ended. I get it sucks that he doesn't feel the same way about you, but I also don't really see where he was so horrible. You went along with it knowing he wasn't into anything more than hooking up. He backed off when you said you were confused. Then you wanted to talk about it again. He was wise not to go there - what's the point?

You say you're not giving him an out, but girl, he doesn't need "an out." You participated equally. Unless he promised you more (which he didn't) and then changed his mind, there is no "out" to give. Sorry.

Just leave this one and chalk it up to experience and a lesson learned.

I think this one is a draw, you each are at fault and neither of you is at fault at the same time. But you both just want very different things and each of you wanted sex from the other, but with strings attached. And yes, he had strings attached as well as you. Yours was hanging out plus sex was a means to get closer and into a relationship. His hanging out plus sex was a means to have a no strings attached FWB leaving him free to pursue other women while enjoying you on occasion too.

Each of you made clear to the other what you wanted and then went ahead with hanging out and having sex when you each knew the other wanted something different. So this one is a draw.

I think he could have handled it better, he's a bit childish but he's upset he didn't get his FWB just like you're upset you didn't get your relationship. It is what it is and you need to walk away too and stop interacting with him. Something he has realized and is enforcing now, both for your sake and his. Neither of you has a right to get mad at the other, but then again neither of you really had a right to continue on expecting the other would give in to what you each wanted. Walk away, learn from this. When they say they don't want a relationship they mean it. And sex will not change that, not even close.

If you are going to sleep with the guy, then own that decision. Period.

Freaking out about it in the morning, needing to "talk", backpedaling, "gosh it's just so not like me to do this", apologizing (for what?), etc, etc., etc is nothing but pure drama and it makes you look insecure and pretty much pitiful. It's unattractive and you are basically telling the guy "gosh sleeping with you was a terrible mistake I totally regret now." I mean that's not exactly flattering to him either. All that drama creates a mutually unpleasant situation and it shouldn't be a surprise then that the guy will walk away from you.

You slept with him. That's done. Hopefully it was good...lol.... Moving forward though, if you don't want an FWB, then don't sleep with him again. If he tries, then you can tell him that the ONS was fun, thanks, but you are looking for more. Is he in or out? Own your decisions, own what you do and don't do, be clear about what you want. If he is out, then you do not sleep with him again and look to date a guy who actually wants what you want. Never ever use or hope even that sex will bring a guy into a relationship with you. Doesn't work like that. The only thing sex will bring about with a guy is just sex.

Own your decisions, own what you do and don't do, be clear about what you want. If he is out, then you do not sleep with him again and look to date a guy who actually wants what you want. Never ever use or hope even that sex will bring a guy into a relationship with you. Doesn't work like that. The only thing sex will bring about with a guy is just sex.

I fully agree with everything, but I'd like to say that many people need to read this. It'd end lots of drama and insecurity. I've also made this mistake in the past and I've learned my lesson.

OP take this as a lesson and chalk it up to experience.