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Abusive brother


annou

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Hello everyone...

I rarely talk to anyone about this besides my boyfriend and best friends. This has been an issue for me since i began going to high school, and still is. I have an older brother (he is 25) and he is abusive towards me every time we have a conflict or something isnt the way he wants. He has been abusive not just verbaly but also physically. Even though it doesn't happen that often, when it does i am scared of living in my own house. There were situations where he would hit me, but i mist say it is much rarer than him verbally insulting me, throwing my stuff etc. Our mother has always ignored this and saw it as childish (which I believe she still does) so there is no point in telling her any of the events after they occur. She would always say that we are just the same, and wouldnt take anyone's side. I am in collage now, so therefore cant move out for the next 2 years. That is the only way out that i see at the moment since i dont have anywhere else i would go. Please five me some advice on how to deal with this for the next few years, thanks

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being pouty and throwing stuff are things siblings do when they are kids. I had the same with my brother. Your brother, though, is too old to be doing this with his sister. I think I would normally not advise this but in this case - I would avoid conflict with my brother and don't escalate things. Why are you having conflicts with him? Are you picking childish arguments as well? What about your dad? Is he in the picture? if so, maybe you talk to your dad and say that you know he doesn't want to get in the middle of it but your brother should not be hitting girls.

 

Why not go out for pizza with your brother and talk to him about a truce?

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I am 90% trying to live my life and have no relationship whatsoever with him, since this has been going on for more than 8 years. Our conflits are ALWAYS about some minor, stupid things where i dont want to do as he told me to. I am 21, and surely know my actions, but i still do get scared when someone throws my makeup brushes all over the room just because i dont want to go get him something in the store...

 

It sounds stupid even when i write the situations or tell them to someone, but to me, they aren't that in the least...

 

My parents are divorced and we havent had contact with our father for 10+ years...

 

Also, I am starting to wonder whether my mother is scared of him and doesnt want to say anything, but im not sure if that is possible... i feel really lost and alone about all of this

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btw, my parents took my brother to counseling because he had anger issues and they were directed at me and my dad and we couldn't figure out why he was so angry.

We never had a divorce situation in my family.

 

Maybe he still harbors some resentment in some way. Would mom be game to take the three of you to family counseling to try to remedy this situation?

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You can't control you brother or your moms reaction to the situation. What you can control is you. Get yourself out of the situation. It will not be easy but since neither of them will change it's what you have to do. If you are not working right now find a job, any job, and start saving for rent on a little studio apartment/find some roommates to go in on a place with. If it means working night after class, on weekend, whatever it is do it.

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I agree with the above post, it's unfortunate what is happening to you, but the only human behavior we can control is "our own." You have to take this matter into your own hands and come up with a plan to remove yourself away from your brother and potentially your mother.

 

You do however, have choices. You either stay at home and get abuse or get a part time job and move out and away from this. The choice is yours.

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Weird, I thought I had answered this thread. I agree with the above posters though.

 

He seems to have some kind of problem and maybe hasn't come into terms with having a younger sister who probably gets lots of attention. Anyways, like the other posts say, it's in your hands to remove yourself from this situation. He's probably not going to change and to do so he needs lots of therapy and that your parents take this issue seriously, which at least from your mother it doesn't seem to be happening.

 

Maybe therapy would also be good for you and I think some universities have counceling for free or very cheap. But family therapy would be great, but I don't think your mother understands the situation so she'll probably avoid dealing with it heads on. So the best option would be to try to move out if possible and if not to avoid him to the max.

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Thank you all for replaying, your support means a lot to me! The thing is he acts this way when mom is not at home, for some reason he would always order me around and be "the boss"

 

I have thought about moving out, and that is the only solution i came up with also, so i decided to post here to see if others have had situations similar to mine and how they handled it... Moving out sounds like a scary idea, i wouldn't know where to go, who to live with, It's just a scary thought, this might sound stupid but I feel no one would support my decision in family and would treat me badly... so i am stuck in this circle

 

In my family, everyone avoids seeing his actions in everything (college, being unemployed, having bad grades etc..) where while I was working this year, everyone encouraged me to quit my job and do my best at collage... it got too hard to keep up with both things so naturally, I quit and am scared to start working again and not finish my studies...

 

My family wouldn't agree for therapy, since from my mother's point of view problems don't even exist... As I already said, she would always ignore his behaviour, and last time he hit me she just yelled at him in that very moment, but nothing happened afterwards...

 

Am I really supposed to feel unsafe in my own house? And how do I break it to my mother? I just hope I survive unil she comes back to the town...

 

Again, thank you all...

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Why would they treat you badly for moving out? You'd be doing it for your independence and sooner or later you'll have to move out. Unless you live in a culture in which women are supposed to live with parents until they marry, but even so living at home is not healthy for you at this point.

 

Your brother seems to be parasitic and maybe has some kind of serious problem which can be depression, unresolved issues or some sort of disorder... only a professional would know. I think it's possible that your family would respect you for taking the highway and trying to be independent and provide for yourself, something that your bully brother doesn't seem capable of doing. At this point it seems to be out of question for him to get treatment and deal with his issues and there's not much you can do about it. He has to want it and assume the responsibility for what he's doing. No one can do this besides himself.

 

There are many solutions depending on the situation: college dorms, online websites where people put ads of rooms to rent, friends or collegues of yours that might need a roomate. You just have to look. Take your time and explore those options. It's better to move out when you already have a part time secured. So maybe if you start planing your exit even if at the same time you try to solve things with your mother and with him, you'll feel better because you know you have a way out and that'll motivate you.

 

Also, do you have friends or other family members with whom you can talk about this? It's good to have a support network that can include therapy or not, even if just to vent. Don't isolate yourself due to this.

 

Even if your mother doesn't take it seriously, this is a serious matter and your feelings are justified. You don't feel safe at your own home, and this is something that needs to be dealt with weather you stay or you go.

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Your tuition covers mental health counseling, so start there for a referral to other resources. You can also contact any domestic violence agency on the net for a local referral to meet with a counselor who can help you. Another option is to call the police on him when he hits you, and press charges. Another option is to contact student housing and financial aid to go live in your school's dorm.

 

You're 21--it's time to act as your own advocate and learn the changes that are possible for you to make, then decide on the best options from there.

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Thank you all for replaying, your support means a lot to me! The thing is he acts this way when mom is not at home, for some reason he would always order me around and be "the boss"

 

I have thought about moving out, and that is the only solution i came up with also, so i decided to post here to see if others have had situations similar to mine and how they handled it... Moving out sounds like a scary idea, i wouldn't know where to go, who to live with, It's just a scary thought, this might sound stupid but I feel no one would support my decision in family and would treat me badly... so i am stuck in this circle

 

In my family, everyone avoids seeing his actions in everything (college, being unemployed, having bad grades etc..) where while I was working this year, everyone encouraged me to quit my job and do my best at collage... it got too hard to keep up with both things so naturally, I quit and am scared to start working again and not finish my studies...

 

My family wouldn't agree for therapy, since from my mother's point of view problems don't even exist... As I already said, she would always ignore his behaviour, and last time he hit me she just yelled at him in that very moment, but nothing happened afterwards...

 

Am I really supposed to feel unsafe in my own house? And how do I break it to my mother? I just hope I survive unil she comes back to the town...

 

Again, thank you all...

 

I actually didn't mention it to you but I've had my fair share of abusive people in my family. Not my brother, but others. My mom would always allow them to do it. That said, I focus most of my life on "what my family thinks", just like what you are doing right now. Then into adulthood, I was an emotional wreck!

 

I went through therapy for many many years. Not just one on one counselling but all the psychological help I could get. I decided to get help for myself, which I'm glad I did!

 

Here is something I learnt; Let go of the "why", stop wondering why your brother is doing this or why your mother is allowing it! Instead of focusing on why, focus on what could I do to get out of this and better myself. Don't torture yourself for his behavior, you may never understand it nor is it your problem.

 

Point here is, you have to stop focusing on what your family tells you or what they want. What do you want? You could only control yourself and your own behavior. It is scary to move out and be on your own, but I say you are at the age where you could/should move out and be independent.

 

You do not need your family's approval for anything. You are an adult! I've seen many people do it, I did it, you can too! You need to think of your health first.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you all so much for replying me! I know I havent replyed since all that happened but the thing is, situation calmed down since my mother came home. I thought about all the options you guys suggested but problem is That I am not from the US/UK and my country works a little bit different like I cant get accepted to university's dorm because I was born in the town that university is stationed at... so i dint really know if me moving there is even possible. Wages in my country are really low and without university I would be barely able to pay for my rented apartment and food.... thats a bit in that...

 

But, just as I got calm from everything, my brother wanted to organize a family dinner (to which i do not want to go) i lied to be having an exam that day, but now my mother thunks I am a liar and doesnt speak to me because she is mad. I did even told her that I am mad at him for the way he act towards me when she is not around and she started yelling at me that I am dissing the family, how I am the one always getting mad and making a fuss, and how i should speak to him. Even though I told her it's a situation that has been happening for the past 5 yers and how talking with him wont solve it, she just got mad after all of it and speaks only when its necessary to me... BECAUSE I AM GUILTY AND I CAN NOT BELIEVE THIS!

 

I am seriously so emotionaly drained to the point where I don't really care what will happen, If I don't feel like doing something I REFUSE TO DO IT. I hope me writing all this isnt really making u all feel biased towards my situation, but I just can not believe how my mom WHO LIVES with me doesnt see this situation.

 

I do not feel like going to that stupid dimner, therefore I wont go!(sry im writing this again im just reassuring myself)

 

Also if some of you would pls answer me this, I am starting to feel anything for my family. Like I dont care about them throught the day or think about them, I dont know... its been getting to me now that I realise I do actually feel this way... is that normal? Do you feel at least similar?

 

Thanks beforehand for all your replies!

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If anyone is physically abusive to you, call 911 (or the equivalent in your country/location.) Authorities will remove the offender from the home. Once a court date has been set, show up! Don't drop the charges! I realize that is difficult because it's your brother. However, there is no excuse for remaining in a physically abusive relationship no matter if it's a spouse, parent or sibling!

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Update: The dinner has passed and I didnt join them. I still dont feel as if I did anything wrong. my mother hasnt talked to me ever since she came home plus she spoke on the phone with my aunt and I assume they talked about me cuz i overheared some bits of their convo....

 

I know this situation will pass just like any, but I am really losing my trust in my family. I keep wanting to move out but I am also scared of being alone,(hope u understand what I am saying). Im scared I will fail in future if I leave and I dont want to come home begging them to accept me. If i go i would like to be gone for good. I hate this situation, I hate it that i am in college atm and I hate the fact that I cant do anything atm and even if I do, i would be judged for it again!

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