Jump to content

How important is the spark? I'm a bit confused so any advice would be great!


StarGirl17

Recommended Posts

Me and my boyfriend have been together for two months now. We met on tinder, hit it off straight away and have been pretty much inseparable since. We both get on great with each other's families. The sex is amazing. We love being around each other and get on so well. Problem is, last night he seemed a bit down and I asked him what was up. He said he was worried he doesn't have the right feelings for me yet and he hasn't felt the spark he did with his exes. Also that he didn't want to just settle. I made the point that they were now exes. Also that we had only been going out for a couple of months and it takes time. He said he definitely doesn't want to break up with me and loves being with me etc, he just felt like he needed to get it off his chest. After we talked he said he was 100% fine. I don't believe in the whole love at first sight and spark thing to be honest. I think a proper relationship should have more than that. He said he felt a spark for his ex and she didn't for him and it was a horrible feeling. Should I be worried? He seems completely great after we talked so should I just let it go? Any advice would be great 

Link to comment

Sorry to hear this. After dating only 2 mos and way too much, too soon, too fast he just got over-saturated and lost the initial lust.

 

How long is he broken up with the ex? Sounds like a rebound situation where he needed a warm body and may be trying to get back with the ex.

 

He's telling you he'll still hang out, have sex etc until he finds someone else or goes back to his ex.

two months now. He said he was worried he doesn't have the right feelings for me yet and he hasn't felt the spark he did with his exes. Also that he didn't want to just settle.
Link to comment

Describing being with you as "settling" is a red flag imo. For whatever reason, he doesn't see potential in you and at two months his feelings don't sound like they have evolved towards the right direction. Regardless of the spark, the verb "settling" implies that he feels that you are not "good enough" and sorry to say that dismissing this would be unwise. It sounds like you like him more than he does you and that creates an imbalance that you should not underestimate.

Link to comment

Sorry but yes, definitely concerning. He basically told you that he is just not that into you after all. A good for now girl until the girl with the "it" factor comes along. Of course he felt better after telling you because now it's on you whether you stay or go. If you stay, you've been warned, so he doesn't have to feel guilty or like he is deceiving you about how he feels about you.

Link to comment
Me and my boyfriend have been together for two months now. We met on tinder, hit it off straight away and have been pretty much inseparable since. We both get on great with each other's families. The sex is amazing. We love being around each other and get on so well.

 

Problem is, last night he seemed a bit down and I asked him what was up. He said he was worried he doesn't have the right feelings for me yet and he hasn't felt the spark he did with his exes. 

 

Do you know what his relationships with his ex's were like? Was there a lot of chaos and drama? Ups and downs? Push/pull, hot/cold?

 

If so, those types of relationships tend to result in a lot of "longing" for your partner, due to all the drama and distance all those ups and downs and push/pull create.

 

And longing is indeed a VERY powerful emotion! It generates a lot of unbridled passion, along with all those emotional highs (and lows).... which of course can be very exciting for some people.

 

Problem is, sometimes people confuse "longing" with being "in love," which can be confusing when they meet someone for whom they don't feel that longing.

 

The RL is more calm, peaceful, stable. But for them, it lacks that "spark" your bf referred to.

 

I don't know your boyfriend's history, just thought I'd give my $.02, in case his RLs with his ex's were like described above, or similar.

 

Which would explain his confusion about his feelings for you now imo.

Link to comment
Me and my boyfriend have been together for two months now. We met on tinder, hit it off straight away and have been pretty much inseparable since. We both get on great with each other's families. The sex is amazing. We love being around each other and get on so well. Problem is, last night he seemed a bit down and I asked him what was up. He said he was worried he doesn't have the right feelings for me yet and he hasn't felt the spark he did with his exes. Also that he didn't want to just settle. I made the point that they were now exes. Also that we had only been going out for a couple of months and it takes time. He said he definitely doesn't want to break up with me and loves being with me etc, he just felt like he needed to get it off his chest. After we talked he said he was 100% fine. I don't believe in the whole love at first sight and spark thing to be honest. I think a proper relationship should have more than that. He said he felt a spark for his ex and she didn't for him and it was a horrible feeling. Should I be worried? He seems completely great after we talked so should I just let it go? Any advice would be great 

 

So he is paying you back for his hurt (ex didn't feel spark with him). I think you should stay broken up. You did move move way too fast if you already met his whole family and have had lots of sex - and being so inseperable within the course of 8 weeks - its a little much. Next guy take it slow. Go on a date. Don't do the morning/noon/night and then burn out. Sometimes the slow build up works best.

 

Anyway, if someone states that they are "settling" after only knowing you for 8 weeks- i'd look elsewhere. Its okay to after 8 weeks not feel someone is the love of your life yet - that's too high of an expectation. its okay to feel inside that you are just getting to know someone. When we met - i never once felt "i am not feeling it" - every date i looked forward to the next one and that's all i was thinking.

 

I think this is just learning for your next relationship.

Link to comment
Do you know what his relationships with his ex's were like? Was there a lot of chaos and drama? Ups and downs? Push/pull, hot/cold?

 

If so, those types of relationships tend to result in a lot of "longing" for your partner, due to all the drama and distance all those ups and downs and push/pull create.

 

And longing is indeed a VERY powerful emotion! It generates a lot of unbridled passion, along with all those emotional highs (and lows).... which of course can be very exciting for some people.

 

Problem is, sometimes people confuse "longing" with being "in love," which can be confusing when they meet someone for whom they don't feel that longing.

 

The RL is more calm, peaceful, stable. But for them, it lacks that "spark" your bf referred to.

 

I don't know your boyfriend's history, just thought I'd give my $.02, in case his RLs with his ex's were like described above, or similar.

 

Which would explain his confusion about his feelings for you now imo.

 

You are right about his ex. He said he really wanted her but the feelings weren't the same on her part. I think he's confusing there being a spark there and a longing like you said. I was talking to my sister earlier and she said the same thing you did.

Also, he only came out with this after we'd been fooling around and I hadn't seemed to keen to continue at that moment. I haven't been in the best of form the past few weeks and I'm wondering if he is thinking I don't feel the spark because I've been a little stand offish.

I seen him tonight and we went out for a walk with the dog and a drive. It was good and we seemed a lot closer. I think we need to be doing more together that's fun to be honest. Also, sorry if it's too much info, but I initiated the sex tonight and he seemed a lot happier. Like he knew I wanted him and he liked it. Maybe some of this is actually down to me too.

I know the whole settling comment didn't seem too great but I can sort of see where he's coming from but he definitely seem happier after we talked and today was so much better so fingers crossed. I think the key is for us to have light hearted fun and for me to show I appreciate him more because I don't think I've done that enough to be honest. Because we met on a dating site, the spark isn't going to be the same as if we'd met in person first hand. He said he doesn't want to break up with me and he is happy, loves my company and he really thinks and hopes the spark will come. Maybe he will realise that a relationship doesn't require a longing for someone like you said.

Link to comment
So he is paying you back for his hurt (ex didn't feel spark with him). I think you should stay broken up. You did move move way too fast if you already met his whole family and have had lots of sex - and being so inseperable within the course of 8 weeks - its a little much. Next guy take it slow. Go on a date. Don't do the morning/noon/night and then burn out. Sometimes the slow build up works best.

 

Anyway, if someone states that they are "settling" after only knowing you for 8 weeks- i'd look elsewhere. Its okay to after 8 weeks not feel someone is the love of your life yet - that's too high of an expectation. its okay to feel inside that you are just getting to know someone. When we met - i never once felt "i am not feeling it" - every date i looked forward to the next one and that's all i was thinking.

 

I think this is just learning for your next relationship.

 

We haven't broken up. He doesn't want to. He says he is happy, and wants me. I told him it is still early days and these things take time and then at least it will be more meaningful rather than something that burns quickly and ends just as fast.

Link to comment
I agree with all the others that he probably doesn't feel the spark because of the insta-relationship/too much too soon thing going on here. Back off and slow things down -let him miss you a bit.

 

That's what I fully intend to do. I feel we both need that space to fully appreciate each other and miss what we have.

Link to comment

I wouldn't reward him for already telling you he's just not that into you. I would scale way back - accept dates from others, go out with friends, etc. I wouldn't ever try to convince a guy that says he "doesn't want to settle and is not feeling it with me" that I am good enough and that I am not settling. Maybe in time he will decide you are who he wants to be with and will come back stronger - but any time anyone i know has been in your shoes and stayed with the guy they would have to reassure them later or the guy still didn't "feel it" unless she scales back and he either stops seeing her and finds someone else, or he figures things out and decides that he was really dumb.

Link to comment

I genuinely don't think it's a case of him not being that into me. I think he is mistaking the longing he felt for his ex to feel the same way as a spark. He said there is a spark with us just not a massive one like he was expecting. I can't date other people and nor do I want to because we are in an exclusive relationship.

I liked the idea about only seeing each other certain times a week. I honestly think that would be much better.

Link to comment
He said he was worried he doesn't have the right feelings for me yet and he hasn't felt the spark he did with his exes. Also that he didn't want to just settle. I made the point that they were now exes.

 

Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't have bothered making such a point because I'm not interested in convincing anyone to stay with me.

 

I deserve simpatico that's mutual, and I can't 'talk' that into happening. I'd thank the guy for his honesty and move on to find someone who's as wild about me as I am for him.

 

Anything less is settling for someone who's settling, and who needs that?

Link to comment
Speaking only for myself, I wouldn't have bothered making such a point because I'm not interested in convincing anyone to stay with me.

 

I deserve simpatico that's mutual, and I can't 'talk' that into happening. I'd thank the guy for his honesty and move on to find someone who's as wild about me as I am for him.

 

Anything less is settling for someone who's settling, and who needs that?

 

I wouldn't go to that extreme after two months. I'd say "of course you shouldn't settle so let's stop seeing each other for now and if on reflection you feel differently and believe we have potential, you can contact me and if I'm still interested and available I'll consider it". That way you're not putting a time table on "spark" especially early on but also practicing self-care and showing him you are.

Link to comment
I genuinely don't think it's a case of him not being that into me. I think he is mistaking the longing he felt for his ex to feel the same way as a spark. He said there is a spark with us just not a massive one like he was expecting. I can't date other people and nor do I want to because we are in an exclusive relationship.

I liked the idea about only seeing each other certain times a week. I honestly think that would be much better.

 

Did you have the "exclusive" talk or are you just simply only dating him? I am not saying go out and sleep with other guys tomorrow.

If someone tells me they are not feeling it with me, we are no longer in an exclusive relationship. That means i pull away - i get involved with friends and if someone else asks me to get coffee with them - I accept. You only dated 8 weeks and you told him that you are now exes but then backed off. I think sex has muddied the issue a bit.

 

He is into you sexually, obviously. But when someone verbalizes that they don't want to "settle" by being with you (even when the first few weeks they see you at your best) - believe me, even when they are cajoled into staying with you verbally - or by your actions (you still seeing him as if nothing happened), you will only be dissappointed later into the relationship when they try to break it off again or say something else that is hurtful and you will just justify it again or will break up. I have been down that road before. Or down the road, it will stick in your mind when you feel he is changing.

 

I think your emotional need to be in a relationship is what you are acting on, and not the idea that you are worth it and should accept no less than a guy who is really into getting to know you better and thinks you are fantastic rather than someone who doesn't. I spent a whole relationship saying "that's not what he really meant/he just said that because he is afraid". We are divorced.

Link to comment

I agree with the "too much too soon", I find 2 months of dating too soon to meet families and all that. As wiseman said he might have felt oversaturated or if he's talking about sparks with his ex and all that it might be a "rebound" sign and I'm also concerned about the "settling" comment. If you feel that things can work with him then I agree that it's better to back off a little and give him space and also don't move so fast in the "commitment lane". I know cases of people who moved too fast and things went great but I also know many cases of people who moved too fast and the "flame" went out also fast. So I'd say move with caution.

Link to comment

If someone's telling you that they don't know if they have the right feelings after just 2 months, then it unfortunately probably won't last. This should be the honeymoon phase, in which you're both excited and enthusiastic and building your connection.

 

I'm sorry girl, but you are right to be concerned. It's not a good sign.

Link to comment
If someone's telling you that they don't know if they have the right feelings after just 2 months, then it unfortunately probably won't last. This should be the honeymoon phase, in which you're both excited and enthusiastic and building your connection.

 

I'm sorry girl, but you are right to be concerned. It's not a good sign.

 

I do know of happy long term couples where one wasn't sure of the other for longer than 2 months - in the one case I know more about they took a break, got back together and later got married and were happily married last I checked. If he is saying he never felt any chemistry then sure I agree but if it's more that he's not sure he feels strongly enough that this is forever, 2 months might be too soon for that kind of knowing.

Link to comment

Good lord...you missed a good opportunity to show him the door. Are you desperate?

 

Don't say that you weren't warned when he dumps you for someone he feels a spark with...the "spark" may have little importance to you which really sounds like you are doing the head in the sand thing but the spark IS important to him. Good luck with that dude...

Link to comment
I do know of happy long term couples where one wasn't sure of the other for longer than 2 months - in the one case I know more about they took a break, got back together and later got married and were happily married last I checked. If he is saying he never felt any chemistry then sure I agree but if it's more that he's not sure he feels strongly enough that this is forever, 2 months might be too soon for that kind of knowing.

 

As far I can tell, OP didn't ask him about forever. She simply sensed something was wrong, and this was his reply.

 

In my experience, it's far more likely that this will end rather than continue to something solid and long-lasting.

Link to comment
As far I can tell, OP didn't ask him about forever. She simply sensed something was wrong, and this was his reply.

 

In my experience, it's far more likely that this will end rather than continue to something solid and long-lasting.

 

Yes, I agree and especially since he brought up "settling" -just mentioning that it need not be the death knell in all cases but certainly time to separate even if there is a chance things will work out down the road.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...