Not physically attracted

I have been dating this guy for a few months and we have so much in common and seem to have the same values. In his photos online he looks much more attractive but has put on a lot of weight since then. He also doesn't take much pride in his appearance. I have tried to see past this as we are a good match pretty much in everything else. I've noticed I feel embarrassed to be seen with him and I think (however vain this sounds) that perhaps physical attraction is more important to me than I thought. If he lost some weight he would look much better, let alone be much healthier. Is this something you can say to someone you have dated a few months? And if so how would you phrase it? The alternative is to just finish things.

I have been dating this guy for a few months and we have so much in common and seem to have the same values. In his photos online he looks much more attractive but has put on a lot of weight since then. He also doesn't take much pride in his appearance. I have tried to see past this as we are a good match pretty much in everything else. I've noticed I feel embarrassed to be seen with him and I think (however vain this sounds) that perhaps physical attraction is more important to me than I thought. If he lost some weight he would look much better, let alone be much healthier. Is this something you can say to someone you have dated a few months? And if so how would you phrase it? The alternative is to just finish things.

You should not be with someone you are embarrassed to be seen with - do him a favour and break up with him, he deserves a woman that loves him for who he is. Also, he shouldn't have to change himself to be with you, if he decides to get into shape because he wants too, that is fair play to him. BUT if he does it to make you feel less insecure it is the wrong reason.

If this is how you are right now, how are you going to cope when he is older and his looks fade completely?

I mean I could walk into Curves and I'm sure I'd find at least a handful of women who were a good match for me in every way but physically. Fact is I'm not attracted to overweight women, though. Thus I don't waste my time or theirs dating them.

Sure, shame on the guy for misrepresenting himself in his pictures prior to your first date, but that's when you say "no thanks" to a second date. Hell, I wouldn't even have held it against you if you chose to walk right out upon seeing him. But that's a choice you make then. It doesn't issue you license to give him reason to get attached over multiple months when she's straight up embarrassed of him. I hope, at the very least, you're cutting this guy's wallet some slack and not having him waste his money as well as time.

Dating isn't some test to see if, after months, you can find yourself tolerating someone. I'm a pretty big ***hole and even I see that as pretty cruel.

I have been dating this guy for a few months and we have so much in common and seem to have the same values. In his photos online he looks much more attractive but has put on a lot of weight since then. He also doesn't take much pride in his appearance. I have tried to see past this as we are a good match pretty much in everything else. I've noticed I feel embarrassed to be seen with him and I think (however vain this sounds) that perhaps physical attraction is more important to me than I thought. If he lost some weight he would look much better, let alone be much healthier. Is this something you can say to someone you have dated a few months? And if so how would you phrase it? The alternative is to just finish things.

He knows exactly what he is doing posting good looking pictures of himself on the dating site when in reality he looks nothing like those pictures anymore. It's a bait and false advertisement.

Two things need to happen in order to have a good lasting relationship, you have to be compatible in personalities and have things in common, and you need to be sexually drawn to each other. Without the sexual attraction, he is just a friend and not really someone you want to have sex with. You can't fake an attraction or force yourself to be attracted to someone you are not into in that way, and if you are embarrassed to be seen with him in public, well that's definitely not a good thing.

Let this guy go, funny how he is overweight and doesn't want to date an overweight woman.... he puts up pictures of himself that are old when he looked younger and in better shape to attract better looking and in shape women, and not the fat ones.

Don't feel forced to date someone you aren't attracted to, there are men that take pride in their health and appearance just like you do, dating is a trial thing, you date to see if you click and if you don't then you move on to someone else.

You should NEVER date someone you aren't physically/sexually attracted to, let alone feel embarrassed to be seen with in public.

This has nothing to do with being shallow or whatever, it's simply that physical/sexual attraction is one of the fundamental cornerstones of any romantic relationship. If it's not there, then all you really have is a friend. That's kind of the difference between friends and romantic partners - we love our friends, we have a bond with them, we have a lot in common with them, we love to spend time with them and have a blast doing it BUT we don't want to sleep with them. A romantic relationship is all of the above PLUS we dream about ripping their clothes and having red hot wild monkey sex with them. If that desire isn't there.....you don't date them.

Dating is not a project manager job. What you see is what you get. Do not date "potential". Have you been intimate? No attraction, no sex, don't string him along.

I have been dating this guy for a few months and we have so much in common and seem to have the same values. In his photos online he looks much more attractive but has put on a lot of weight since then. perhaps physical attraction is more important to me than I thought.

Attraction is very important for relationship,especially in it's younger stages. You are not vain for feeling this way, you just have your preferences.

I would dump this guy alone for misrepresenting himself with his pics online. That's lying and pretending to be someone you're not (at least not anymore).

I am not okay with liars or people who play games online. If you can't be honest from the get go, then I would tell him thanks but no thanks.

He shouldn't have misrepresented himself on the dating app. But I think this is kind of a case of "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I mean, once you went on that first date you saw what you were actually getting with him. If you wanted to be upset about it then that's fine but once you agreed to a second and then third date and beyond you kind of lost your right to be indignant about the deception.

For the record, it's not vain to want to be attracted to your partner. Feeling embarassed to be seen with someone is a bit of vanity but it doesn't make you a terrible person. But it's probably time to stop wasting this guy's time and your's.

He shouldn't have misrepresented himself on the dating app. But I think this is kind of a case of "fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me." I mean, once you went on that first date you saw what you were actually getting with him. If you wanted to be upset about it then that's fine but once you agreed to a second and then third date and beyond you kind of lost your right to be indignant about the deception.

 

For the record, it's not vain to want to be attracted to your partner. Feeling embarassed to be seen with someone is a bit of vanity but it doesn't make you a terrible person. But it's probably time to stop wasting this guy's time and your's.

I think she is a bit shallow, God forbid how she will behave when 20 years from now his looks has faded.

I think she is a bit shallow, God forbid how she will behave when 20 years from now his looks has faded.

I wouldn't go that far. Shallow is "overweight and unattractive people have no value," not "I'm not attracted to that person." I wouldn't like it either if I went on a date with someone I met online and it turned out that all of her pictures were 10 years and 50 pounds ago. You can't help who you do and don't find attractive. She just shouldn't string this guy along if she isn't feeling it.

If you aren't attracted you just simply aren't attracted and can't change it. As for photos it was on a dating site and he wanted to attract someone so you can't blame him entirely for that. I do blame the op for misleading him into thinking there is something more there.

Lisa

I do blame him entirely for that. No one should be misrepresenting themselves with old pictures or pics of when they were slim when they are overweight now. It is very unfair and make's them out to be a liar.

All pics shown should be within the last year and a full body shot. Be honest and don't waste people's time.

As for the OP, you don't find him attractive, so tell him you can remain friends but that you don't want anything more than that. No need to force something that isn't there or string someone along.

Why have you kept going out with him if you arent attracted to him?

OP no advice, just an observation. You are not in love with him yet. It may still happen, it may not. If it doesn't happen eventually, you'll lose interest in him and dump him.

For any guys reading this thread, do not take a girl's feelings so literal. This guy's physical appearance is not the cause of OP's dissatisfaction in the relationship, but a symptom of her emotional distance. It's either that he doesn't show her he cares enough, or more likely, he doesn't command her respect. Look for these subtle clues so that you can proactively address problems in your relationship, i.e., draw and enforce boundaries.

I'd ask yourself is it even close? If it's close I'd give it a chance. If it's not then let it go.

I have been dating this guy for a few months and we have so much in common and seem to have the same values. In his photos online he looks much more attractive but has put on a lot of weight since then. He also doesn't take much pride in his appearance. I have tried to see past this as we are a good match pretty much in everything else. I've noticed I feel embarrassed to be seen with him and I think (however vain this sounds) that perhaps physical attraction is more important to me than I thought. If he lost some weight he would look much better, let alone be much healthier. Is this something you can say to someone you have dated a few months? And if so how would you phrase it? The alternative is to just finish things.

I would just finish things up.

It's not vain to want your partner to be attractive.

Most people are not our match. That's just the odds. It makes no sense to latch onto a wrong match in hopes of converting them into a good one. That doesn't 'work'.

Dating requires the resilience to allow wrong matches to pass early. Set up a bunch of 20 minute coffee meets with local guys to check one another out. Make a rule that neither can corner the other to ask for a real date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, and if not, no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejection stuff off the table.

Keep meeting people until you find mutual simpatico and fully enjoy one another.

Taking up with someone you're not attracted to isn't against the law, but as you've noticed, it's a waste of time, and it positions you to hurt someone's feelings in order to move on.

If u want him to lose weight then do like my wife. Let him look at it from a medical side and tell him u are worried about his heart. And talk about working out and getting n shape. Ask him to go to the gym. When u do workout start very light. Some people hurt really bad the next day n give up. I started with walking. We. Would get out talk about our day laugh . as long as he is taking care of his overall hygiene and not just not showering n brushing his teeth u shouldn't be embarrassed of him. That shows a insecurity within u that needs to be worked out. Just being honest. Weight comes and goes and I guarantee u if u break up over this it may n probably would after some time push him to get into the gym diet severely and dangerously in order to date someone he's attracted to or win u back. U would see him later and I guarantee u would get jealous if u saw him dating someone as attractive as urself n moved on. Always approach things as a medical concern. If u have family that had passed away from heart disease or cancer or sleep apnea let him know this n say I want u to be around with me when we get older. I can't have u leave me early in life. Help him with his clothing. Tell him how handsome he is. When u are in public flirt with him and tell him n front of others how handsome he is and u love him. Kill ur own insecurity and help him overcome his own. I'm telling u if u help him and don't scold and criticize he will want to change. Weight will go he just needs a reason and u with one foot out the door isn't a good reason for him to lose weight. Be careful what u do because if u leave him it is likely something like this could happen to u in the future. What comes around goes around. And remember just help him get some style and be sweet to him. When u eat make healthy tasty food and eat with him and not just salad. Ask him to go walking and talk. I'm married and there is times I can't stand looking at my with because of things. But I know I love her heart and love she shows me. I love the inside person which makes me just love her so much. I tell her all the time how she takes my breathe away still today just as much as she did the day I saw her walking down the aisle. She does make my heart skip and I love being with her. That said we have been in fights b4 I couldn't stand looking at her and only saw a disgusting person. But I killed that emotion instead of walking away I hug her while her and i still are angry tell her I know I'm mad n i want to show u even when I'm mad I love u. Lets put this aside and go fwd. U may need counseling because the appearance issue is with u. If he's not taking care of his hygiene just because he's lazy that's on him. He may be n probably is depressed as well. Please be nice to him come from a medical point of view. Talk about working out and get him motivated. Call him by his last. Name and say this is TEAM SMITH or whatever. Help him but use positive emotions because calling him fat or a FAT POS or making jokes about him makes him feel unworthy n pushes him to eat and become more depressed. I hope this helps. Kill ur own insecurity help him with his and love the inside person. U love that inside person and the outer just becomes more attractive. I promise because I was so superficial and thought only date 10s n bang only 6s and above. I was horrible until I dated n fell in love with her. I wasn't sure for a while. I found her attractive but wasn't model potential I felt at that time. But she would come over and make me dinner and bring me things. Get me little things. She mailed me a letter and she only lived a block away. I eventually wanted to wrap her up in my arms and never let her go. Now I see her and I just smile and she tells me nearly everyday how handsome I am. Either give it a REAL shot at FIXING urself and your relationship or u just need to walk away and not look back because its not fair to him to make him believe u are secure in the relationship and not be and u cheat or leave. That's just mean. Be honest if u do leave and show him what kind of person u are and say I'm a superficial person and I'm leaving don't make it his fault u are leaving because u can't find beauty in him. I hope this helps because I was able to change and find the love of my life and find her more attractive today than 10yrs ago when I met her and as beautiful as the day I married her on 10/31/14. Also remember beauty does fade away. YOU WILL GET OLD ONE DAY and u will become less attractive and wrinkled and even fat but even then if the person ur with loves u on the inside he will only see the beautiful person he loved when he met u. Thanks

Women care more about physical attraction than men despite their claims otherwise.

Of course they do.

But where it is subjective is what they find attractive. My ex GF was pretty, and thought I was attractive. Personally, I think that I am not.

I have been dating this guy for a few months and we have so much in common and seem to have the same values. In his photos online he looks much more attractive but has put on a lot of weight since then. He also doesn't take much pride in his appearance. I have tried to see past this as we are a good match pretty much in everything else. I've noticed I feel embarrassed to be seen with him and I think (however vain this sounds) that perhaps physical attraction is more important to me than I thought. If he lost some weight he would look much better, let alone be much healthier. Is this something you can say to someone you have dated a few months? And if so how would you phrase it? The alternative is to just finish things.

If he misrepresented himself that's wrong but u should've killed the relationship right then over lying. Starting out in a relationship with mistrust is bad. If u found his PICTURES attractive then be PATIENT. Weight will go away. He will get motivated and workout again one day. If u found his pictures attractive that will be him again. He may even become more attractive. If u enjoy his company and love his personality and liked how his pics looked u have got the perfect package just be patient and motivating. Weight comes and goes. U either kill a relationship early over looks or u don't at all over looks and appearance. U have only dated a few months its practical to break up over anything. But if u invested in him u think u can't get past looks then shame on u and u need to try to invest in help for u because no one will ever be what exactly u want. My wife smokes and my relationship with her has been through it but she has stood with me and I love her now more than anything and would die for her without thinking if needed. I love my wife and ur heart changes love and u can change and find him attractive in every shape he grows or shrinks. Dont be mean to him because u don't find him attractive. I bet u are harsh on how u look and project u onto him so u feel u look better. Trust me someone will love him and take him and be patient or love him in all shapes that's just life and life is full of lessons. Learn!!!!