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OK so after 4 dates here are the issues I have with her


moneymkt

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On two of the dates she made no effort to look pretty she just threw anything on and came to see me. I am not going to lie I felt kind of insulted because I thought a woman likes to look a little sexy when meeting up with a guy. And we discussed future plans but she has not offered to treat me at all.

 

So I'm not initiating another date at this time. I treated all 4 times and not one mention of I can treat you or let's watch a movie at my place. So I just feel she is not going to look her best again which is why I'm hesitant to go out again.

 

She only looked sexy one time which was date 3. And that was because she went to a housing seminar 4 hours before our date. Part of me feels she went to meet a guy because her hair was all done and she was dressed nice.

 

 

What do u think?

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On two of the dates she made no effort to look pretty she just threw anything on and came to see me. I am not going to lie I felt kind of insulted because I thought a woman likes to look a little sexy when meeting up with a guy. And we discussed future plans but she has not offered to treat me at all.

 

So I'm not initiating another date at this time. I treated all 4 times and not one mention of I can treat you or let's watch a movie at my place. So I just feel she is not going to look her best again which is why I'm hesitant to go out again.

 

She only looked sexy one time which was date 3. And that was because she went to a housing seminar 4 hours before our date. Part of me feels she went to meet a guy because her hair was all done and she was dressed nice.

 

 

What do u think?

 

You stop seeing her. Not everyone is made for everyone. You seem a bit entitled and rigid. Also, having an expectation of sex (that's why you meant by a movie at her place) after 4 dates may not serve you well. Good luck.

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Your sexism is rampant here.

 

She looked good before a seminar and it's to meet a man?! Please. Perhaps she just wanted to look GOOD. For her career, herself, whatever.

 

She doesn't owe you her sexiness. She may think she looked good but your idea of sexy isn't her style.

 

I agree, she should offer to buy. But otherwise, the rest of your post is misogynistic.

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You stop seeing her. Not everyone is made for everyone. You seem a bit entitled and rigid. Also, having an expectation of sex (that's why you meant by a movie at her place) after 4 dates may not serve you well. Good luck.

 

So I'm just supposed to treat forever? I treated all 4 dates.

 

I'm supposed to keep planning and paying? And the house thing wasn't about sec it was more about us being alone for once.

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Where are you taking her on dates? Are you wearing a suit and tie or going to fancy places where people dress up? If not, then she's "dressing for the occasion" or thinks you are not worth impressing.

 

No attraction = go no further

On two of the dates she made no effort to look pretty she just threw anything on and came to see me.
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Your sexism is rampant here.

 

She looked good before a seminar and it's to meet a man?! Please. Perhaps she just wanted to look GOOD. For her career, herself, whatever.

 

She doesn't owe you her sexiness. She may think she looked good but your idea of sexy isn't her style.

 

I agree, she should offer to buy. But otherwise, the rest of your post is misogynistic.

 

Well at least we agree on that. And I'm putting a effort into looking nice for her so why can't she do the same?

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she has not offered to treat me at all
This is a problem.

 

On two of the dates she made no effort to look pretty she just threw anything on and came to see me. I am not going to lie I felt kind of insulted because I thought a woman likes to look a little sexy when meeting up with a guy.
This is you needing to think a bit before you type.

 

Don't get me wrong. I can appreciate when a woman puts in an effort appearance-wise, but it's not like I'm exactly at home putting on foundation, picking out the right v-neck, and primping my chest hair to pop over my collar just right. If she wants to roll out of bed, put on a decent pair of jeans and a top, and brush her teeth real quick before meeting up with me, more power to her. She probably still did more than I did.

 

My sincere hope is that this is just snowballed resentment and not a legit feeling of a woman needing to treat a date with you as a red carpet experience.

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It sounds as though it's a mismatch; apart from the fact that she should be contributing something towards your time together, I don't see anything wrong with what she's doing. Some guys prefer their women to look natural, so this is a personal thing.

 

There are many ladies out there who place as high a value on appearance as you do, so there shouldn't be a problem with finding one.

 

Whatever, this one is clearly not the right lady for you.

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This is a problem.

 

This is you needing to think a bit before you type.

 

Don't get me wrong. I can appreciate when a woman puts in an effort appearance-wise, but it's not like I'm exactly at home putting on foundation, picking out the right v-neck, and primping my chest hair to pop over my collar just right. If she wants to roll out of bed, put on a decent pair of jeans and a top, and brush her teeth real quick before meeting up with me, more power to her. She probably still did more than I did.

 

My sincere hope is that this is just snowballed resentment and not a legit feeling of a woman needing to treat a date with you as a red carpet experience.

 

 

Well I did make sure my hair was well groomed and that I had on a nice outfit. Maybe she doesn't date much and feel she was doing nothing wrong.

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It sounds as though it's a mismatch; apart from the fact that she should be contributing something towards your time together, I don't see anything wrong with what she's doing. Some guys prefer their women to look natural, so this is a personal thing.

 

There are many ladies out there who place as high a value on appearance as you do, so there shouldn't be a problem with finding one.

 

Whatever, this one is clearly not the right lady for you.

 

She did contribute to the tip a Couple of times but hasn't offered to treat me yet. So that's why I decided to make it a phone only relationship and see how bad she wants to see me again .

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What is your question here. I mean you don't like her, so you don't date her and that's that.

 

If you like girls who like to doll up before going out, then go get them. Plenty of them out there. This girl is pretty casual and very obviously not up to your taste and that's perfectly fine. We date so we learn stuff like that about people. So early on, there is nothing to bellyache about. Maybe next time don't drag it out to 4 dates and cut things off faster when you aren't that into her.

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Maybe she doesn't feel she was doing nothing wrong.
Well I certainly hope she doesn't. There's not a single thing wrong with her not wanting to doll herself up.

 

Taking it personally or as a slight whenever someone doesn't meet your standards or preference is a pretty ****ty way to live. More power to you if you're putting effort into your appearance and want a woman does the same, but your reaction to one who doesn't should be "not my type," and not, "who the hell does this broad think she is comin' at me with nothing on her face but some dollar store moisturizer??"

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Don't ask her out again, move on. Not because of the looks things or dressing up, because you didn't specify that enough for anyone to figure out if it's just that she thinks jeans and a t-shirt with clean hair and minimal makeup is sexy and you don't OR if it's that she showed up with unbrushed hair, yesterday's crumbs on her sweater and those saggy sweatpants that should have seen a trashcan years ago. (I've just described what a guy I dated once showed up looking like. I mean, I didn't expect guys to get all dolled up for me, but yeesh at least be clean.)

 

BUT four dates in, no offer to reciprocate or offer to at least split the bill is a bad sign. It's 2017 people, men no longer need to foot the bill for dating exclusively nor should they. It's just bad manners to go four dates in without so much as an "I'll get the drinks, you buy us dinner" OR "next time it's my treat, see you here and here at 7:00 pm. for that on a day we both agree on." That's called good manners and making an effort. If she's not doing that, move on.

 

As to sexy, that's subjective. If you prefer women to dress up for dates then don't keep dating the one who won't. Where people get into trouble is they seem to have the idea, "This one person has said yes to me, so now I have to stick with them even though I'm totally bugged by something about them." So don't do that. It is a free country. You can date whoever or whatever type of person you want. Just don't keep dating someone who isn't compatible with what you're looking for then complain, "This person won't be what I'm looking for."

 

That's just silly. It's like going to a taco stand and complaining they don't serve a decent hamburger when it's not even on the menu.

 

Also don't be spending tons of money on people you're dating in the beginning. Coffee dates, sandwich shops, things you can afford.This means you're getting to know the person and weeding out moochers all at once, plus good coffee is never a bad thing. Anyways move on, keep dating, find someone you're compatible with. It can be very frustrating, I know.

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So I'm just supposed to treat forever? I treated all 4 dates.

 

I'm supposed to keep planning and paying? And the house thing wasn't about sec it was more about us being alone for once.

 

I do and have zero problem with it. I'm in a better financial situation than my gf so I pay, don't expect her to ever. I go to her house for the weekend, we go grocery shopping, buy food, beer, smokes etc. we go out I pay. She drives slap to Ky from Fl to see me, I give her gas money to get home.

She don't dress sexy enough for you? What could possibly be sexier than a woman in jeans, t shirt and hair in a pony tail?

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She sounds like the type of woman that expects the man to pay for everything and also be the initiator and take control, she sounds submissive with old fashioned traditional views. Except she isn't putting up her end either, she's not cooking you any home meals or taking pains with her appearance to look feminine.

 

I think that keeping things as a phone relationship for now until she asks you out on a date is just you wasting your time, she's passive and lazy and expects you to pay for everything and do all the work. You could just wait it out another 3 weeks and see where it goes, see if she initiates anything, but cut your loses after that.

 

I imagine with her attitude she will be single for life.

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And yes it irks me to no end to hear a guy complaining about his date not paying. If she offers to pay, then great let her, if not just IMO it's no big deal.
Used to this this way. But I like big ass TVs and good whisky a little too much to be subsidizing an able-bodied woman anymore.
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Used to this this way. But I like big ass TVs and good whisky a little too much to be subsidizing an able-bodied woman anymore.

 

I hear you, and if she don't work and just lays around on her ass all the time I wouldn't do it either, but if she works, takes care of her own bills, kid (s), and all that, I don't mind paying.

And while we are talking about it, what if this relationship that he's whinning about progressed to something serious? Would they have joint accounts? Or go by this is mine all mine and that's yours?

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Maybe she wants to have a guy that thinks she is sexy and thinks she is beautiful when she is natural. If you don't feel attracted to her or women in general without her looking a certain way then you are not compatible.

 

As for the treating. That's something you have to discuss. That might be formed by previous experiences on what is expected. I personally always offer to pay my own. Once years ago a guy was very upset when I offered to pay. I was young so on my next date I was very confused on what to do. So it's ok when going to cinema so say "if you get the tickets, I'll get the popcorn" Or "why don't you get your ticket first and I'll get behind you in the line" Or "please bring the check, we'd like to pay separately". It gives the hint but isn't offensive or big deal.

 

But anyways. You are not compatible so don't go out again.

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Perhaps she just wanted to look GOOD. For her career, herself, whatever.

 

Or perhaps she wanted to look good to meet another man. How would you know?

 

In many ways I consider myself a feminist, but when outlandish criticisms like this are made, it dilutes the important messages. There's nothing sexist about men desiring women to look attractive, especially when it's a choice. Stop making men apologize for their desires.

 

OP feel free to stop contact, but for your personal growth, I would tell her how you feel. Let her know that you liked it when she dressed up for your date and that you would like for her to cover the next date since it's only fair. You're not telling her what to do, you're telling her what you want and allowing her to make the choice of what she wants to do based on this additional information. There's a big difference.

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MM, its been a tough topic for you of late, this dating thing. Tough for me to, for just these kinds of reasons. I haven't the faintest idea how to be anything besides myself and I am certain I am not consistent with other people's expectations. To wit:

 

1. I do NOT like to look a little sexy on a first meet, unless its sexy-by-mistake. It creeps me out to feel like I am offering myself on a platter. Also, I think I self-sabotage a bit because I am weary of the bait and switch, wherein I am really being pursued for sex

 

2. I always offer to split or treat, or I bring a little present, something to show that I want to contribute. I initiate Date 3. You could hold back and see if she initiates with you, without writing her off altogether. For a good long time in the market, I would forget that is was my turn. It took me awhile to implement my intent to return the favor.

 

3. How I look when I go on a date is dependent on what our activity is. Based on what you describe, I am guessing she dressed for the housing seminar. I am guessing the housing seminar was perceived by her as more formal whereas dates with you seem more casual. If we are going for pizza, I will dress appropriately. If we are going to an evening dinner in a fine restaurant, I will dress appropriately.

 

If you like her in other respects, consider (1) one random hello without asking her out, and (2) complimenting her when she looks good and creating more opportunities for her to dress up. Its tough out there, and these are behaviors that can be addressed over time.

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Or perhaps she wanted to look good to meet another man. How would you know?

 

In many ways I consider myself a feminist, but when outlandish criticisms like this are made, it dilutes the important messages. There's nothing sexist about men desiring women to look attractive, especially when it's a choice. Stop making men apologize for their desires.

 

OP feel free to stop contact, but for your personal growth, I would tell her how you feel. Let her know that you liked it when she dressed up for your date and that you would like for her to cover the next date since it's only fair. You're not telling her what to do, you're telling her what you want and allowing her to make the choice of what she wants to do based on this additional information. There's a big difference.

 

She may have. But to assume she is?

 

Most women I know dress up to feel good about themselves. Not to impress a man.

 

He can want her to be sexy - but sexy is subjective. I can't believe I have to keep repeating this. She may have felt hot, he may disagree. That's his right. But to say she's scorning him because she doesn't fit his definition of sexy is insane.

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She may have. But to assume she is?

 

Most women I know dress up to feel good about themselves. Not to impress a man.

 

He can want her to be sexy - but sexy is subjective. I can't believe I have to keep repeating this. She may have felt hot, he may disagree. That's his right. But to say she's scorning him because she doesn't fit his definition of sexy is insane.

 

 

This. All of this. If I dress up "a little sexy" it's because I wanted to & what makes me feel sexy, not for anyone else. I don't owe it to a man to look sexy just because we're going out for a date/meeting up. I've donned Doc Martens and a leather jacket just as often as I've worn a sundress and a pearl necklace. It depends on the atmosphere and how I feel.

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