Did you ever just go over and over a situation

So as the title says have you ever just let a person or situation go around and around in your head till it drove you nuts and what did you do to stop it.

I am right now and its driving me nuts, no matter what I try to do to stop it, it keeps coming back and start thinking about it again and Im so tired of it. This involves my partners father, he will never be my father in law. Anyway he is an ignorant ----- and I cannot stand being with him, I avoid any conversation with him but sometimes try and then regret it. This is one of those times. I dont really want to waste time trying to describe him as its done my head in enough already.

So anyway I am now letting the situation get the better of me, imaginary conversations, what ill say the next time to get under his skin etc etc etc, I mean its literally doing my head in. I am trying to focus on other stuff, trying to think about more positive things but eventually it all comes back to thinking about the situation over again, oh its terrible.

has anyone one any solutions to help me with this over thinking or obsessing or what ever, I mean I just want to be happy and waste time thinking of someone who I detest

It's okay for a little bit to wallow in anger and those "fantasy" conversations. However, eventually you just need to let go...which is easier said than done.

I've been throwing this around a lot on here recently, but a great way to stop harping on one topic (I learned about it because of my ex) is to force yourself to think about something else every time it pops into your head. Start going over a TV episode that you watched, or try to remember the lyrics to that one earworm you haven't heard in a few years, or start up a conversation with someone nearby. It'll be hard to do at first, but with time it'll get easier and you'll get it done.

Overthinking and obsessing is familiar to me and hard to break.

It helps me to get out, run errands. Say hello to every person at every cash register. Trade hellos. It helps.

Thanks for your answers.

I find it really hard to break, Im worn out. Id love to just have an off switch. Most of the problem right now is that it is 3 am here and I cant do much Im off to bed now but will try these techniques out then, Im sure Ill pick up where I left off in the morning lol.

Thanks for your answers.

 

I find it really hard to break, Im worn out. Id love to just have an off switch. Most of the problem right now is that it is 3 am here and I cant do much Im off to bed now but will try these techniques out then, Im sure Ill pick up where I left off in the morning lol.

During such times i have written ad nauseum. Done crosswords. Googled desperate questions like Why Do I Hurt? Lol but it knows the answer

You need to get over it, because keep the negative feeling will get you feel more worse. Start to try thinking about something better or it you can make you feel happy, don't let your mind focus on one problem....or you can think it will get better soon, and you will never meet this kind of problem again...

I used to have imaginary conversations with someone who really hurt and upset me more than he could ever know and would never have believed how I felt. When I walked my dog along a country road where there was nobody to hear me, I'd mutter to myself telling him what I wanted to say and how I felt about him. None of it was complimentary, that's for sure. I finally got sick of letting him have that kind of power over me and I was fed up with the space he was taking up in my head. So I decided anytime I started to think about him I'd distract myself, I'd sing, I'd think about something else, I'd get someone to come on the dog walk with me, so that we could talk about other things. It took a while before he was out of my head and no longer occupying me thoughts. It takes perseverance to get past these types of things, there's no magic cure, you just have to really want it and force yourself to think about something else. Dont let the person or situation get the better of you, it's not worth it.

I used to have imaginary conversations with someone who really hurt and upset me more than he could ever know and would never have believed how I felt. When I walked my dog along a country road where there was nobody to hear me, I'd mutter to myself telling him what I wanted to say and how I felt about him. None of it was complimentary, that's for sure. I finally got sick of letting him have that kind of power over me and I was fed up with the space he was taking up in my head. So I decided anytime I started to think about him I'd distract myself, I'd sing, I'd think about something else, I'd get someone to come on the dog walk with me, so that we could talk about other things. It took a while before he was out of my head and no longer occupying me thoughts. It takes perseverance to get past these types of things, there's no magic cure, you just have to really want it and force yourself to think about something else. Dont let the person or situation get the better of you, it's not worth it.

that's right. We need to make ourself distract from usual thought.

See I think part of the problem for me is that I bite my tongue and say nothing, because its my partners father and I dont want to get into an argument with him for her sake. He is a bit weird and thinks he knows everything about everything and nobody knows anything except him, he is awful to everyone, including his wife which he made her life a misery for 50 years till she died and even up to that he would be constantly at her, he cut the electricity cord for the dishwasher, turned off the heating in the room she and on and on. I find it hard to say nothing but the other option is to stay quiet and end up like this.

So have to come up with techniques to avoid over thinking and obsessing its doing my head in, so today I will try out the positive and keep at it till I get the hang of it. Thanks for all the suggestions

i thought i was over that, but the past year has shown me just how much others can enslave me with their misguided power.

i have watched my boss's egomania harm vulnerable people, i have had to expend lots of energy and strategic thinking to prevent being a "victim" myself. her character would not have bothered me. but the effects, very real ones, of it on humans who depended on her. one of those effects was a 22 year old boy's death. that...broke my mind. the workplace was such that you'd have been smart to keep mum about everything, i noticed, and was told by senior coworkers. it ate on me. the moral dilemma. i felt as long as i "keep mum" things like those would happen, and i would feel a guilty, spineless accomplice for having allowed it with my silence. i spent the entire year in constant mental arguing with this woman, with waves of fury and disgust and rage overcoming me.

disempowering oneself due to fear of consequences, or due to any reason really, is destructive because no one can endure a life spent in a state of powerlessness. once you have resigned your power (like you, around him, and me around my boss), you absolutely cannot remain in that state of imbalance. you need to regain a sense of some personal power somehow, and if you don't in real life, you'll do it in fantasy.

the solution in my experience is to find better ways of taking your power back. of course, that doesn't mean actually arguing with him (although sometimes statements that set boundaries, and cut off inappropriate behavior are necessary. just don't fall into the trap of stating them affectedly), it means finding practical ways to maintain your own power over the areas you feel this person controls.

also tremendously helpful is learning to reward his good behavior and make bad behavior an unattractive option to him by making it ungratifying. if he feeds off having people listen to his "i'm better than all of you" tales, or speaks aggressively, leave him without an audience. only stay in the vicinity when he is behaving himself. alternatively, find a polite comment you KNOW he would hate because it passes the "responsibility ball" back in his court.

you can give us more background or examples of the behavior that upsets you, and we could brainstorm for practical solutions, if that helps you.

Ugh that is awful, OP.

I offer a few suggestions.

1. Accept that we cant change nor save others.

2. Accept that some people make choices that to us look like painful choices. They have their reasons that are valid to them if not to us.

3. Accept that most people arent victims.

4. Assess whether it is importanf enough to invest yourself.

5. If yes ro #4 as in this case, make several action plans, evaluate them, and choose one. Often, this step proves out # 1 - 3 above.

6. If #5 results in an action plan, implement it.

7. If #5 does not result in an action plan, then begin the process of acceptance. Accept that we are sometimes powerless, and that is as it should be. Other people have authority over their lives and in that sense their power overrules ours.

8. Seeing other people choosing to dispense and accept abuse is painful. Minimize your exposure to it. Create a regular time to interact, at whatever amount nd to whatever degree suits your emotional needs. That may be nothing, and that is okay.

i thought i was over that, but the past year has shown me just how much others can enslave me with their misguided power.

 

i have watched my boss's egomania harm vulnerable people, i have had to expend lots of energy and strategic thinking to prevent being a "victim" myself. her character would not have bothered me. but the effects, very real ones, of it on humans who depended on her. one of those effects was a 22 year old boy's death. that...broke my mind. the workplace was such that you'd have been smart to keep mum about everything, i noticed, and was told by senior coworkers. it ate on me. the moral dilemma. i felt as long as i "keep mum" things like those would happen, and i would feel a guilty, spineless accomplice for having allowed it with my silence. i spent the entire year in constant mental arguing with this woman, with waves of fury and disgust and rage overcoming me.

 

disempowering oneself due to fear of consequences, or due to any reason really, is destructive because no one can endure a life spent in a state of powerlessness. once you have resigned your power (like you, around him, and me around my boss), you absolutely cannot remain in that state of imbalance. you need to regain a sense of some personal power somehow, and if you don't in real life, you'll do it in fantasy.

 

the solution in my experience is to find better ways of taking your power back. of course, that doesn't mean actually arguing with him (although sometimes statements that set boundaries, and cut off inappropriate behavior are necessary. just don't fall into the trap of stating them affectedly), it means finding practical ways to maintain your own power over the areas you feel this person controls.

 

also tremendously helpful is learning to reward his good behavior and make bad behavior an unattractive option to him by making it ungratifying. if he feeds off having people listen to his "i'm better than all of you" tales, or speaks aggressively, leave him without an audience. only stay in the vicinity when he is behaving himself. alternatively, find a polite comment you KNOW he would hate because it passes the "responsibility ball" back in his court.

 

you can give us more background or examples of the behavior that upsets you, and we could brainstorm for practical solutions, if that helps you.

Ok, so this particular issue that has me caught up in resentment and anger was the other day. I was over in his house to meet my partner there and he start talking about what I should be doing, I should go to college, he then proceeded to tell me about courses in a college that I actually teach in, I am a part time lecturer, I told him 3 times that I work in that college but it was as if I said nothing, I changed the subject and he blatantly said Im not interested in that and went on about the college, then start looking in the bin to find a paper with the list of college courses, I showed him the one I teach and then left.

What got me the most was the ignorance of him just wanting to say what he wanted to say and that was it.

Ugh that is awful, OP.

 

I offer a few suggestions.

 

1. Accept that we cant change nor save others.

2. Accept that some people make choices that to us look like painful choices. They have their reasons that are valid to them if not to us.

3. Accept that most people arent victims.

4. Assess whether it is importanf enough to invest yourself.

5. If yes ro #4 as in this case, make several action plans, evaluate them, and choose one. Often, this step proves out # 1 - 3 above.

6. If #5 results in an action plan, implement it.

7. If #5 does not result in an action plan, then begin the process of acceptance. Accept that we are sometimes powerless, and that is as it should be. Other people have authority over their lives and in that sense their power overrules ours.

8. Seeing other people choosing to dispense and accept abuse is painful. Minimize your exposure to it. Create a regular time to interact, at whatever amount nd to whatever degree suits your emotional needs. That may be nothing, and that is okay.

Thanks for that, I find it hard to forgive and forget and this is what causes the problems around acceptance. And on top of all of this I suffer anxiety too which I am trying to work on and get help with.

I think the anxiety part is the key what makes me over think situations. But definitely limit any time in the situation at least until I get a hold of the anxiety issue

Ok, so this particular issue that has me caught up in resentment and anger was the other day. I was over in his house to meet my partner there and he start talking about what I should be doing, I should go to college, he then proceeded to tell me about courses in a college that I actually teach in, I am a part time lecturer, I told him 3 times that I work in that college but it was as if I said nothing, I changed the subject and he blatantly said Im not interested in that and went on about the college, then start looking in the bin to find a paper with the list of college courses, I showed him the one I teach and then left.

 

What got me the most was the ignorance of him just wanting to say what he wanted to say and that was it.

My father used to do this. Sometimes it hurt. Eventually, we learned to make fun of it. It was embarrassing. He gets so committed to his topic he forgets his audience. It helps us to remember that we don't need his acknowledgement to make it true. Over time, we would say, "Thank you for your suggeations." And if he pressed, "I actually teach that course." First we would try not to embarrass him, sometimes I embarrassed him.out of pride and spite.

The best was to let him talk and accept that some things are beyond his understanding

Yes there are lifeling effects of this - but that is true for everything.

Thanks for that, I find it hard to forgive and forget and this is what causes the problems around acceptance. And on top of all of this I suffer anxiety too which I am trying to work on and get help with.

 

I think the anxiety part is the key what makes me over think situations. But definitely limit any time in the situation at least until I get a hold of the anxiety issue

Yes. Anger feels like a warm righteous blanket.

It also becomes a part of you and defines your personality.

Acceptance becomes a choice: Who do I want to be?

And then: Okay, then this is what I have to do. Let other people's behavior reflect on them and bounce off of me. Limit my exposure to everyone - EVERYONE - who feels to you like a negative force. The stronger you get in your own boundary, the more you will be able to join others' company without letting it bring you down. It still may use your energy, and it is important to recognize your path, respect it, and stick with it.

Let it go. Everyone gets a crap deal in some way. Having to deal with people who are.blind when you want so much to be seen by them - it is hard. See yourself and know that you are visible. This one man is but one.

Let that pain go. It hinders your progress. You can do this.

tricky the incident is just hilarious. not to minimize your distress, but it's ...like...his cogwheels turn backwards, when they turn at all.

is it possible to not go over to his house, and generally avoid him as much as possible?

it is harder to remove yourself on his terrain.

of course, you could just go "i'm flattered you like the course i teach so much as to recommend it to people. i will definitely be attending it. in fact, i have a class in an hour"

but i wonder if anything shuts him up at all.

on a different turf, when he answers your deflections with "i'm not interested in that", it's easier to just leave him to himself. additionally, it allows you to engage someone else in a different subject and carry such a dynamic conversation that he hasn't the time to speak. and interrupt him when he does, continuing your conversation.

how does your partner and the rest of the family deal with him? (if they do, at all)

and omg i would have just started reciting the lecture to him enthusiastically. he isn't interested in other topics so....

i'm sorry you have such people in your life. time to start googling elegant and funny ways to dismiss his statements.

In my family we were angry that my dad didnt know us better nor listen a d we took it. Personally. We were angry that he dismissed some people more tban others, some kinds of people more than others, and his kids most of all.

We learned coping skills that did result in some funny conversations.as you point out. We learned to let him talk. What he was saying wasn't a reflection of his audience so we valued it less.

It is no accident that i am still learning how to hear my emotions and know what to do; that I date men who are dismissive in general and of me specifically; that I value accomplishment and that I seek my partner's validation. All these are leftover from coping with my father and there are others, all learning journeya now.

My father was one of the smartest people Ive ever met and top 5 in the world in his field. He would lock on to idea and consume it; that same attachment to the idea is what allowed him to focus so deeply as he pursued understanding of that idea and made him brilliant. It also allowed him to overlook us and others in conversation.

And yes sometimes to painfully hilarious effect.