Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12
Results 11 to 18 of 18

Thread: Did you ever just go over and over a situation

  1. #11
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Age
    54
    Posts
    10,404
    Gender
    Female
    Ugh that is awful, OP.

    I offer a few suggestions.

    1. Accept that we cant change nor save others.
    2. Accept that some people make choices that to us look like painful choices. They have their reasons that are valid to them if not to us.
    3. Accept that most people arent victims.
    4. Assess whether it is importanf enough to invest yourself.
    5. If yes ro #4 as in this case, make several action plans, evaluate them, and choose one. Often, this step proves out # 1 - 3 above.
    6. If #5 results in an action plan, implement it.
    7. If #5 does not result in an action plan, then begin the process of acceptance. Accept that we are sometimes powerless, and that is as it should be. Other people have authority over their lives and in that sense their power overrules ours.
    8. Seeing other people choosing to dispense and accept abuse is painful. Minimize your exposure to it. Create a regular time to interact, at whatever amount nd to whatever degree suits your emotional needs. That may be nothing, and that is okay.

  2. #12
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    433
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by RainyCoast
    i thought i was over that, but the past year has shown me just how much others can enslave me with their misguided power.

    i have watched my boss's egomania harm vulnerable people, i have had to expend lots of energy and strategic thinking to prevent being a "victim" myself. her character would not have bothered me. but the effects, very real ones, of it on humans who depended on her. one of those effects was a 22 year old boy's death. that...broke my mind. the workplace was such that you'd have been smart to keep mum about everything, i noticed, and was told by senior coworkers. it ate on me. the moral dilemma. i felt as long as i "keep mum" things like those would happen, and i would feel a guilty, spineless accomplice for having allowed it with my silence. i spent the entire year in constant mental arguing with this woman, with waves of fury and disgust and rage overcoming me.

    disempowering oneself due to fear of consequences, or due to any reason really, is destructive because no one can endure a life spent in a state of powerlessness. once you have resigned your power (like you, around him, and me around my boss), you absolutely cannot remain in that state of imbalance. you need to regain a sense of some personal power somehow, and if you don't in real life, you'll do it in fantasy.

    the solution in my experience is to find better ways of taking your power back. of course, that doesn't mean actually arguing with him (although sometimes statements that set boundaries, and cut off inappropriate behavior are necessary. just don't fall into the trap of stating them affectedly), it means finding practical ways to maintain your own power over the areas you feel this person controls.

    also tremendously helpful is learning to reward his good behavior and make bad behavior an unattractive option to him by making it ungratifying. if he feeds off having people listen to his "i'm better than all of you" tales, or speaks aggressively, leave him without an audience. only stay in the vicinity when he is behaving himself. alternatively, find a polite comment you KNOW he would hate because it passes the "responsibility ball" back in his court.

    you can give us more background or examples of the behavior that upsets you, and we could brainstorm for practical solutions, if that helps you.
    Ok, so this particular issue that has me caught up in resentment and anger was the other day. I was over in his house to meet my partner there and he start talking about what I should be doing, I should go to college, he then proceeded to tell me about courses in a college that I actually teach in, I am a part time lecturer, I told him 3 times that I work in that college but it was as if I said nothing, I changed the subject and he blatantly said Im not interested in that and went on about the college, then start looking in the bin to find a paper with the list of college courses, I showed him the one I teach and then left.

    What got me the most was the ignorance of him just wanting to say what he wanted to say and that was it.

  3. #13
    Silver Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Posts
    433
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by IThinkICan
    Ugh that is awful, OP.

    I offer a few suggestions.

    1. Accept that we cant change nor save others.
    2. Accept that some people make choices that to us look like painful choices. They have their reasons that are valid to them if not to us.
    3. Accept that most people arent victims.
    4. Assess whether it is importanf enough to invest yourself.
    5. If yes ro #4 as in this case, make several action plans, evaluate them, and choose one. Often, this step proves out # 1 - 3 above.
    6. If #5 results in an action plan, implement it.
    7. If #5 does not result in an action plan, then begin the process of acceptance. Accept that we are sometimes powerless, and that is as it should be. Other people have authority over their lives and in that sense their power overrules ours.
    8. Seeing other people choosing to dispense and accept abuse is painful. Minimize your exposure to it. Create a regular time to interact, at whatever amount nd to whatever degree suits your emotional needs. That may be nothing, and that is okay.
    Thanks for that, I find it hard to forgive and forget and this is what causes the problems around acceptance. And on top of all of this I suffer anxiety too which I am trying to work on and get help with.

    I think the anxiety part is the key what makes me over think situations. But definitely limit any time in the situation at least until I get a hold of the anxiety issue

  4. #14
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Age
    54
    Posts
    10,404
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by trickykid
    Ok, so this particular issue that has me caught up in resentment and anger was the other day. I was over in his house to meet my partner there and he start talking about what I should be doing, I should go to college, he then proceeded to tell me about courses in a college that I actually teach in, I am a part time lecturer, I told him 3 times that I work in that college but it was as if I said nothing, I changed the subject and he blatantly said Im not interested in that and went on about the college, then start looking in the bin to find a paper with the list of college courses, I showed him the one I teach and then left.

    What got me the most was the ignorance of him just wanting to say what he wanted to say and that was it.
    My father used to do this. Sometimes it hurt. Eventually, we learned to make fun of it. It was embarrassing. He gets so committed to his topic he forgets his audience. It helps us to remember that we don't need his acknowledgement to make it true. Over time, we would say, "Thank you for your suggeations." And if he pressed, "I actually teach that course." First we would try not to embarrass him, sometimes I embarrassed him.out of pride and spite.

    The best was to let him talk and accept that some things are beyond his understanding

    Yes there are lifeling effects of this - but that is true for everything.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Age
    54
    Posts
    10,404
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by trickykid
    Thanks for that, I find it hard to forgive and forget and this is what causes the problems around acceptance. And on top of all of this I suffer anxiety too which I am trying to work on and get help with.

    I think the anxiety part is the key what makes me over think situations. But definitely limit any time in the situation at least until I get a hold of the anxiety issue
    Yes. Anger feels like a warm righteous blanket.

    It also becomes a part of you and defines your personality.

    Acceptance becomes a choice: Who do I want to be?

    And then: Okay, then this is what I have to do. Let other people's behavior reflect on them and bounce off of me. Limit my exposure to everyone - EVERYONE - who feels to you like a negative force. The stronger you get in your own boundary, the more you will be able to join others' company without letting it bring you down. It still may use your energy, and it is important to recognize your path, respect it, and stick with it.

    Let it go. Everyone gets a crap deal in some way. Having to deal with people who are.blind when you want so much to be seen by them - it is hard. See yourself and know that you are visible. This one man is but one.

    Let that pain go. It hinders your progress. You can do this.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    4,555
    tricky the incident is just hilarious. not to minimize your distress, but it's ...like...his cogwheels turn backwards, when they turn at all.

    is it possible to not go over to his house, and generally avoid him as much as possible?

    it is harder to remove yourself on his terrain.

    of course, you could just go "i'm flattered you like the course i teach so much as to recommend it to people. i will definitely be attending it. in fact, i have a class in an hour"

    but i wonder if anything shuts him up at all.

    on a different turf, when he answers your deflections with "i'm not interested in that", it's easier to just leave him to himself. additionally, it allows you to engage someone else in a different subject and carry such a dynamic conversation that he hasn't the time to speak. and interrupt him when he does, continuing your conversation.

    how does your partner and the rest of the family deal with him? (if they do, at all)
    Last edited by RainyCoast; 05-24-2017 at 05:21 AM.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member RainyCoast's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Posts
    4,555
    and omg i would have just started reciting the lecture to him enthusiastically. he isn't interested in other topics so....

    i'm sorry you have such people in your life. time to start googling elegant and funny ways to dismiss his statements.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2012
    Age
    54
    Posts
    10,404
    Gender
    Female
    In my family we were angry that my dad didnt know us better nor listen a d we took it. Personally. We were angry that he dismissed some people more tban others, some kinds of people more than others, and his kids most of all.

    We learned coping skills that did result in some funny conversations.as you point out. We learned to let him talk. What he was saying wasn't a reflection of his audience so we valued it less.

    It is no accident that i am still learning how to hear my emotions and know what to do; that I date men who are dismissive in general and of me specifically; that I value accomplishment and that I seek my partner's validation. All these are leftover from coping with my father and there are others, all learning journeya now.

    My father was one of the smartest people Ive ever met and top 5 in the world in his field. He would lock on to idea and consume it; that same attachment to the idea is what allowed him to focus so deeply as he pursued understanding of that idea and made him brilliant. It also allowed him to overlook us and others in conversation.

    And yes sometimes to painfully hilarious effect.

Page 2 of 2 FirstFirst 12

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •