HELP how do i begin to heal :(

So- I was seeing a man for about a year. Truthfully, he did a lot of things that hurt me or made me unhappy-it was selfish stuff, he took advantage a lot and ignored me a lot. idk if he realized it- hes kinda reserved and colder- i am more warm and fuzzy- But all in all, he was good man. We are both divorced w kids. We shared deep intimate things about our lives- He had a lot of hurt in his life (so have I) I truly thought God brought us together and he was my soulmate. I deeply deeply loved him (still do)

So anyway, our relationship started breaking down over the last 3-4 months- he likes drinking and bars and partying when he didnt have his kids. He often chose to do that over seeing me. I was never included- it was hurtful. He had some stress come into his life workwise- I felt him pulling away from me and shutting down. I love him- we seriously discussed marriage. we discussed how i felt and that i was hurt and his stress and what we can do. I wanted to help and support him- His answer was "this is how hes made- he has walls up, and when things happen- his walls go up" But he did say he was wrong and sorry for hurting me- things would change. He realized he wasnt treating me right..... OK- Well things didnt change. It actually got worse. I was beside myself. And 1 night, without any planning or anything- i broke up w him. I didnt think he loved me like I loved him- i was never the priority over his partying- I was always last- I just snapped I guess that night and told him I dont think we should be together anymore Honestly we both cried and cried- He said he was sorry but he never said to get back- We cried for weeks- I returned some stuff- We cried again. It was a mess. We never really lost contact w each other tho. A week or more would go by- but then a text would be sent- we would start talking again. We were always always there for each other- in good and bad times.

i realized my feelings were not going away I love him- deeply deeply love him. and maybe i made a mistake So, I started to try to talk more. I tried to see if he felt the same way. It was a lot of mixed messages- We had some fights It was very confusing and just brought me more pain.

So we've seen each other a few times recently- we kissed- he cried after, sayin he couldnt handle it- hes not ready doesnt want that. I was heartbroken

he kinda blew me off this past weekend- which again hurt me- I know he has no obligation to me, but even as a friend, its hurtful.

we had a huge ugly conversation last night- i asked him- yes or no- do u love me, please tell me bc if u dont then we cant talk anymore. He wouldnt say. Gave kinda weird double talk answers. "He will always love me but doesnt want a relationship right now, and doesnt know if he will ever want one" "he doesnt know what the future holds and he cant think beyond the day" "he will always love me, but hes not in love with me" "he wants to be alone and fix his life issues" "i should let him go"

so with a broken heart, a broken soul and a broken spirit I am letting this man- not a perfect man (neither am I) but a good man and a man i truly loved go. i thought he was my soulmate our good times were so so good- our problems i felt were fixable i wanted to try again he obviously doesnt think me or our relationship was worth the time or a second chance to be better- which is what i wanted

how do i begin to heal because im devastated. beyond heart broken- i lost my best friend im beside myself in pain

I am trying to not be harsh, only realistic.

He chose the drinking and being irresponsible, over you. He told you he would put walls up, which is another problem. Doing that only signals that he is not ready for any kind of serious relationship, or relationship at all, with anyone.

You gave him the chance many times over to change his mind and to tell you that he would try to work things out, but he did not want to.

Don't blame yourself, it was his choice and who knows why he made the decisions he did, but it's done now.

You can't blame yourself, and you have to come to some kind of acceptance with all of it. Change your focus and concentrate on your kids, or being with friends and family, doing things you enjoy.

Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve, but to not get totally caught up in it.

Time is the best healer of all, and in time you will see more clearly.

If he were your best friend and had wanted things to work, he would have. He chose not to. You don't need someone in your life who is unwilling to go to the same lengths for you as you are for them.

This pain won't stay forever, it's only temporary and you will survive it and get past it. Believe in that and believe in your own healing and strength.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

He has abandonment issues. I feel very guilty that, in that moment, I left him. Despite what we did to me. He said when I did that a piece of his heart turned off. I apologized so much- He said he understood why I did it, and hold nothing against me- but he does.

I thought he truly did love me. To hear what he said. I feel like a fool and like our whole relationship was a lie. He discussed marriage and that he never loved someone like me before- i broke down his walls- i feel so bad that i broke up w him. I didnt like how he treated me, but he has had so much hurt

i feel like i hurt him too and i let him down.

No, no, no.

You wanted to work things out with him, you were fair with him, you told him straight out what was bothering you and what you needed. He refused to cooperate or try to make things work.

Now he is turning it all on you and making himself out to be the victim, that's bull.

He's a grown ass man, he knew better.

You tried! You tried so much that you became frustrated with not getting anywhere and didn't feel like you had any other choice to leave. I can see why!

He had the chance to be an equal partner in this and to care about what was hurting you and to try to work things out...HE did not want to.

Please confused, see the real issues here and stop letting this man get away with bad behaviour and blaming yourself.

If this man knew how many issues of his own he had and if he wanted to work them out and make things work with you, he could have suggested going into counselling for himself and doing what he could to repair things.

He made no such offer and in fact became more selfish.

You can't fix that no matter how hard you love someone.

hes in counseling for anger issues- He started after our breakup. I suggested it. But IDK i dont see a difference. I think he is trying, but just not w me. He hot and cold. When hes hot, and I get closer...he gets cold really quick and we fight nd he says go away. When I go away, he sends a funny joke- we start talking again.. he says he can do that bc we r friends. I told him hes more than a friend to me

then that whole conversation last night. sometimes i feel like hes testing how much i will take. to see if i will really stay- but he told me to let him go- hes not in love w me and doesnt want a relationship

what else can i do i am so hurt

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

He has abandonment issues. I feel very guilty that, in that moment, I left him. Despite what we did to me. He said when I did that a piece of his heart turned off. I apologized so much- He said he understood why I did it, and hold nothing against me- but he does.

 

I thought he truly did love me. To hear what he said. I feel like a fool and like our whole relationship was a lie. He discussed marriage and that he never loved someone like me before- i broke down his walls- i feel so bad that i broke up w him. I didnt like how he treated me, but he has had so much hurt

 

i feel like i hurt him too and i let him down.

 

You really need to stop with all of the excuses for this guy. He showed you time and again that you were not a priority, yet you gave him chance, after chance.

 

If he had valued/loved you he would have treated you with care and respect. I think that you need to address why you stuck around for this garbage, and failed to act on red flags.

 

Always follow the actions!!!!

 

No more contact. Block and delete, or he will be hitting you up for attention and sex.

TYSM Holly-

his words to me were beautiful- he looked at me, so sincere. hes funny and smart- he have the same sense of humor. we would seriously finish each others sentences and in a glance, know what the other was thinking. our good times were so good- so good

he didnt "chose me" alot tho. he chose me when he had his kids. when he didnt, he chose partying- it hurt. i met his family and married friends, but the group of single party friends (which is huge) i was excluded from- again, it hurt

he is a drinker- says it numbs his pain. i wanted to healk his pain with love. give him everything he never had......why doesnt he want that anymore. why arent i enough

i wanted to help him- he was hurting. i allowed so much bc i felt he didnt realize/or mean it and i loved him and wanted to help him

You were always on the periphery of his life. You almost make yourself sound like convenience for him. Not good.

Your final paragraph is disturbing. Where are you in all of this???

Stop looking for projects and people you need to rescue. You may also want to research co dependency.

He did mean it. You need to react to red flags, and exit

Geez Holly u r right. I was a great convenience for him. I work from home, so I watched his kids on his custodial days to save him childcare costs. I cooked, cleaned, errands- I was pretty much acting like a wife, but I wasnt treated like one. This is why on the non-custodial weekends- I wanted to be his girlfriend I adored the kids with all my heart- mine and his got alone great- It was perfect. But I also wanted to go out on fun dates and njoy our time together- We went only a handful of times in a year. I was happy staying home watching TV- I was happy to be with him. But he didnt make plans w me, but always had these partying plans. It was hurtful.

i felt like he was fragile, and honestly, I wanted him to be happy and feel love- he never had a lot of love in his life. I did see red flags but I thought- no body is perfect, he has a good heart. I was wrong- he broke mine to a million pieces

Unfortunately he used you as a free nanny and maid!

I'm mean this in the kindest way: do not ever allow someone to use you like this again. The fact that he rarely took you out, and chose to party with his friends says a great deal. This guy used you. The sad bit is that you wanted to continue on this farce, and saw him as a life partner and friend. He is nether.

You need to recognize that you deserved his better than this. This guy is a real POS!

I hope that you have him blocked?

I recommend that you check out baggage reclaim.com

You are so right- My nature is to help. Its good yet also can be bad. He took and took and took lol We were together so I was happy to help if I could, but it was a big 1 way street. I kinda figured- Okay, All week is kids and school and homework- I want to be a girlfriend when they arent here- I was home alone those nights- mostly crying. He would go MIA too.

Its day 2 since the conversation- Im gathering up stuff that reminds me of him and putting it away. Visual things tend to trigger me. Im not usually a strong person, Im a softy lol But he told me hes not in love with me- So I cannot go on

He made his choices- The crowd he runs with is all single never married no kids- Hes not, he has kids- I dont understand his choices, but I have to protect my heart

Thanbk you for the support- Sometime tough words are whats need xoxo

Unfortunately he used you as a free nanny and maid!

 

I'm mean this in the kindest way: do not ever allow someone to use you like this again. The fact that he rarely took you out, and chose to party with his friends says a great deal. This guy used you. The sad bit is that you wanted to continue on this farce, and saw him as a life partner and friend. He is nether.

 

You need to recognize that you deserved his better than this. This guy is a real POS!

 

I hope that you have him blocked?

 

I recommend that you check out baggage reclaim.com

I agree. You deserve better. Think about why you want to settle down with someone who doesn't treat you as a priority and blames you for things that aren't your fault. That's not going to make a good partnership. You are divorced...you already had a bad partnership. Why walk face first into another one?

You want to love him and make him better and give him what he never had. He wants you to snuggle him when he has to take care of his kids and babysit to save him money and then go drinking and partying without you when he's free. What kind of relationship is that?

Get free of this mess .... You need more than that. Protect your heart.

You are so right- My nature is to help. Its good yet also can be bad. He took and took and took lol We were together so I was happy to help if I could, but it was a big 1 way street. I kinda figured- Okay, All week is kids and school and homework- I want to be a girlfriend when they arent here- I was home alone those nights- mostly crying. He would go MIA too.

 

Its day 2 since the conversation- Im gathering up stuff that reminds me of him and putting it away. Visual things tend to trigger me. Im not usually a strong person, Im a softy lol But he told me hes not in love with me- So I cannot go on

 

He made his choices- The crowd he runs with is all single never married no kids- Hes not, he has kids- I dont understand his choices, but I have to protect my heart

 

Thanbk you for the support- Sometime tough words are whats need xoxo

Try volunteering, it is a lot more satisfying.

You need to focus why any part of this situation was okay. You really allowed yourself to used.