Jump to content

My boyfriend wants me to move in with him. HELP!


Recommended Posts

Hi. I'm 22 years old, and my boyfriend is 23. We have been together for a year now and during this past year we have been through a lot of struggles. He cheated on me at one point and lied about a lot of things. We have moved past it now and I had gained most of my trust back with him. I had known him since I was 13 years old and we dated during our teen years but nothing serious like our relationship now. This is my first relationship. My first everything is with him. I took him out to dinner this weekend and he started talking about our future together and how he wants us to get our own place. He mentioned this multiple times before in the past and I had no issues with it. This time was a bit different. He lives with his mom and within the next year, his mom is planning to move out of the state. The problem is, my boyfriend works for his township and in his contract it says he isn't able to live in a different state or a certain amount of miles from his job. So when his mother eventually moves, he either is going to have to move with her and risk losing his job. (which is a pretty great job) or he has to rent a room with someone else. He told me he wants me and him to live together when that time comes. I'm currently in school working on getting my HS diploma which I should obtain by the end of Summer. After that, I plan on enrolling into my community college and then after 2 years go into a UNI. He told me I should just apply for the community college up where he lives. (He lives 1 hour away from me). I disagreed and told him I wanted to stay down here. He bugged out and told me it doesn't make sense for me to go to college where I live, If him and I are gonna live together up in the town he is living in. I do wanna move in with him eventually, but at the same time I have things here that are holding me back. I live with my mom and I have a great relationship with her. We are super close and I don't feel like I am ready to move out and leave her alone just yet.. I don't think I will be ready to leave in a year either. I told him that. I said it scares me to move out. He told me I need to grow up and I can't live with my mother forever and I can't have her "hold my hand through life". My boyfriend is also controlling if you have read my other posts you would know that. So I feel I am being pressured to move in with him when the time comes where he decides to find a place within the next year. I also don't have a job right now, I'm full time in school. Once I graduate I am going to get a job. Whenever I do have money he is super controlling over what I do with it. I can't treat myself to do anything without him over my shoulder lecturing me about how I need to save up. Of course, if he is asking me to buy him stuff there is no problem spending my money then.. Anyway, when I told him I don't know if I will be ready to move out in a year he got upset saying he doesn't know if I'm ready for a relationship and he said it made him feel like I don't care if he loses his job or not. He said he's gonna probably lose his job if he ends up having to live with his mom in a another state. I felt guilty and I don't think I should feel that way. I feel I am always going by his agendas and never following what I truly want to do in life. I can't be myself ever, and I also fear living with him will get rid of any freedom that I have left. Trust me, there isn't much left anyway. I just want someone's opinion and maybe advice on what to do. I don't wanna move out yet. I'm just not ready, and he told me if I don't do it when the time comes, he's going to leave me.

 

Thoughts?

Link to comment

Tell him it's over and let him go on with his own life. He has his own agenda and doesn't care about yours. He wants you to move and toss everything in your life, to help him cover the rent.

You've already admitted that he will become even more controlling if you do decide to move in.

End this, you have nothing good to look forward to and surely you can find someone near where you live who will be better to you and for you.

Link to comment

If he has such a great job, why on earth does he need to live with his mom? Doesn't sound like his mom needs him to be with her? Quite the opposite, she is going about her life as she needs to and she has given him notice to....essentially get out on his own. So, either he is able to live on his own, because he has such a great job and all that money saved up for a place (I mean he is clearly a financial guru since he even lectures you about that) OR he needs to get a roommate.....OR he needs to admit he is a total loser and follow mommy to wherever she is moving to....assuming she will allow it, which....I kind of doubt.

 

Anyway, as for you, you absolutely have no business moving in with him. More importantly, why are you wasting your life and time on this loser? Before you say that he isn't a loser....yes, a controlling, cheating ahole who dictates to you what you can and cannot do and doesn't support your educational goals IS a LOSER.

Link to comment

It isn't even about someone to cover his rent. I think he just wants a free maid, laundry girl, and a cook that he can boss around and feel like a "big man" instead of the pathetic loser he actually is, aka he wants a substitute mommy to wipe his azz and change his diapies.

Link to comment
If he has such a great job, why on earth does he need to live with his mom? Doesn't sound like his mom needs him to be with her? Quite the opposite, she is going about her life as she needs to and she has given him notice to....essentially get out on his own. So, either he is able to live on his own, because he has such a great job and all that money saved up for a place (I mean he is clearly a financial guru since he even lectures you about that) OR he needs to get a roommate.....OR he needs to admit he is a total loser and follow mommy to wherever she is moving to....assuming she will allow it, which....I kind of doubt.

 

Anyway, as for you, you absolutely have no business moving in with him. More importantly, why are you wasting your life and time on this loser? Before you say that he isn't a loser....yes, a controlling, cheating ahole who dictates to you what you can and cannot do and doesn't support your educational goals IS a LOSER.

 

He is totally able to afford an apartment by himself he makes $20+ an hour and has 19k in the bank already. His mom is allowing him to live with her, she is buying a house with enough rooms for her and him and her husband. So I assume she's fine with it, as long as he pays rent which he pays at the house he's currently in with her. I don't know what his deal is. I know he is super cheap though and told me if we lived together EVERYTHING is going to be 50/50. I know I would not be able to afford to pay half of everything and I told him that, and he said it would be very unfair to him to pay more money. If I'm making like 9 bucks and hour working at some retail store (he expects me to work there) and he makes $20, I don't know how that is unfair to him. It's more unfair to me.

Link to comment
It isn't even about someone to cover his rent. I think he just wants a free maid, laundry girl, and a cook that he can boss around and feel like a "big man" instead of the pathetic loser he actually is, aka he wants a substitute mommy to wipe his azz and change his diapies.

 

I agree a lot with this because I already cook, clean, and do everything for him. I drop what I'm doing and jump to his commands. I feel like a slave a lot of the time.

Link to comment
I agree a lot with this because I already cook, clean, and do everything for him. I drop what I'm doing and jump to his commands. I feel like a slave a lot of the time.

 

...oookay....and you are wasting your time on this loser because?????? I mean seriously. You are young, you are in school. You have a plan for yourself that YOU need to stick to. Why are you dragging this dead weight with you. Just tell him that your life plans are different and part ways. Focus on your school, graduate. Make new friends, get out and date other guys. Learn who you are and what you will and will not tolerate. I can guarantee you that you will change a lot in the next several years and those will be good changes - education, career, personal growth, tastes, life goals. The last thing you need is some cheap, controlling loser dragging you down and doing his best to stop you from learning who you are and trying to turn you into his mommy/slave/diaper changer/punching bag for his low self esteem.

Link to comment
He is totally able to afford an apartment by himself he makes $20+ an hour and has 19k in the bank already. His mom is allowing him to live with her, she is buying a house with enough rooms for her and him and her husband. So I assume she's fine with it, as long as he pays rent which he pays at the house he's currently in with her. I don't know what his deal is. I know he is super cheap though and told me if we lived together EVERYTHING is going to be 50/50. I know I would not be able to afford to pay half of everything and I told him that, and he said it would be very unfair to him to pay more money. If I'm making like 9 bucks and hour working at some retail store (he expects me to work there) and he makes $20, I don't know how that is unfair to him. It's more unfair to me.

 

Don't move out. Especially because you have already said you don't quite feel ready yet. It's okay to stay with mom- enjoy that time with her...enjoy not being stressed out about money while you're in school. Living with mom is a great opportunity to get to where you want to go- you have a plan. College. Work towards that. Live at home as long as your mom wants you to, and as long as you'd like to.

 

If this guy is going to end up working out, he'll be supportive and want you to do the best thing for your future...it's much better to have a degree and a career than be stuck working retail.

Link to comment

I haven't read any of your previous posts but based on what you wrote here, you need to drop the victim mentality. He has exhibited a series of red flags which you have correctly identified. From this point on you are making informed choices. You clearly know what you need to do. At the end of the day, you cannot make an omelette without breaking some eggs. He is controlling, emotionally abusive and selfish. He is also right in that you need to stop being so passive. Moaning yet going along with his demands doesn't make you less responsible for your life choices. If you choose to go along with his demands the responsibility for the consequences is all on you. He has shown you who he is.

Link to comment
He is totally able to afford an apartment by himself he makes $20+ an hour and has 19k in the bank already. His mom is allowing him to live with her, she is buying a house with enough rooms for her and him and her husband. So I assume she's fine with it, as long as he pays rent which he pays at the house he's currently in with her. I don't know what his deal is. I know he is super cheap though and told me if we lived together EVERYTHING is going to be 50/50. I know I would not be able to afford to pay half of everything and I told him that, and he said it would be very unfair to him to pay more money. If I'm making like 9 bucks and hour working at some retail store (he expects me to work there) and he makes $20, I don't know how that is unfair to him. It's more unfair to me.

 

Ooh... you're making him sound a real catch here...

Link to comment
I agree a lot with this because I already cook, clean, and do everything for him. I drop what I'm doing and jump to his commands. I feel like a slave a lot of the time.

 

Stop doing this. And don't move in with him, whatever you do. If you start to stand up for yourself I'd guess he'll lose interest quite quickly, but if you do take things any further you'll be subsidising his lifestyle both financially and practically - and very much at the expense of your own life and career.

 

This is a step which you have no good reason to take, so stick by your original plans. Or, to put it another way, take care of yourself, and let the relationship take care of itself.

Link to comment

took him out to dinner this weekend and he started talking about our future together and how he wants us to get our own place. He mentioned this multiple times before in the past and I had no issues with it. This time was a bit different. He lives with his mom and within the next year, his mom is planning to move out of the state. The problem is, my boyfriend works for his township and in his contract it says he isn't able to live in a different state or a certain amount of miles from his job. So when his mother eventually moves, he either is going to have to move with her and risk losing his job. (which is a pretty great job) or he has to rent a room with someone else.

 

There is a lot of him telling you what you are going to do, and not a lot of you and what you think is best here. If he needs to stay in town, there are surely some apartments in town he can get. There are always rooms for rent in the paper that maybe he can live in until he can afford a place of his own. He wants to go from mom cooking and cleaning to you doing it. Tell him NO. Believe me, when I had nowhere to go, there were countless people who were renting a room because their college kid moved out, people at church willing to help, young people near the school looking for a roomie. DO NOT DO IT. Focus n your education.

 

btw, when I was 25/26, my boyfriend's parents sold their house and he didn't have anywhere to go and I stupidly offered to get a place with him. it was the stupidest move I ever made. Never solve someone else's problems by moving in with them (i am not talking about moving in with mom/your child/grandma to help them after a surgery or when they are in hospice. That's totally different. I am talking about an able bodied young person). This move has nothing to do with your relationship and everything to do with his lack of responsibility

Link to comment

Let him move - he'll find another job. Or he stays and gets a room for rent. And please consider breaking up with this guy. If you jump at his commands now - i can't imagine how much you will be a shell of a woman when you move in. Do you want to be his servant?

Link to comment
I don't understand why you would sacrifice your future for this clown!

 

He has cheated, lied and is controlling. Don't really understand why you continue????

 

What are his educational plans?

 

 

And when she moves in - the control will continue and abuse will start.

Link to comment
I don't understand why you would sacrifice your future for this clown!

 

He has cheated, lied and is controlling. Don't really understand why you continue????

 

What are his educational plans?

 

He has no educational plans. His job he has now is the job he will have until he retires. He works for the state, so he is set. There's not schooling in his future.

Link to comment
Whenever I do have money he is super controlling over what I do with it. I can't treat myself to do anything without him over my shoulder lecturing me about how I need to save up. Of course, if he is asking me to buy him stuff there is no problem spending my money then..

 

You need to read and re-read that portion of your own post and over until it sinks in - this isn't a guy you should even be with at all, let alone moving in with him. You think he's bad now? Oh, just wait until you're living with him and he realizes he can quit his job and control you and your money, to his benefit. In fact, I'm not sure that isn't his motivation now.

 

Tell him you aren't moving in until a ring is on it and a prenup fully signed and documented. Then go out, live your life, until you realize you can do so much better than him.

 

I'm not even sure why you're with this guy at all, let alone allowing him to call the shots in your life instead of you doing so. That's not love, that's called red flags of a potentially very abusive/toxic relationship. You know these are wrong, and if you now keep walking off the cliff you cannot be surprised when you get hurt. Your gut is trying to tell you to get away and not link yourself to this guy's control even more, you need to stop it with the self-deception and wake up.

Link to comment
He has no educational plans. His job he has now is the job he will have until he retires. He works for the state, so he is set. There's not schooling in his future.

 

It's not a great job, and his pay is minimal. Why do you see this cheating, lying abuser as such a prize

Link to comment

Hi there. You are very young to be making life changing decisions around moving in with a guy who has issues. It is clear you already have doubts about his behaviour and intentions towards you and this is no basis for a full time live in relationship. If you feel he controls you now imagine what it will be like when you are sharing a place together especially if he is freeloading and you pay for him now? You sound like a level headed young woman with a good supportive family so don't let this guy take over your life. You deserve the best and sadly he isn't it.Go out there and have fun and leave him behind.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...