Finding out what a guy is looking for

I wrote about the gentleman I have been seeing before. He is wonderful: incredibly successful, passionate about life and his hobbies, an intellectual (which is the most important trait for me, personally), and I am insanely attracted to him. For me, I find it easy to make a physical connection, but it's very rare for me to form an emotional connection.

We see each other about once a week, which is great for me, because we both have very demanding careers, and active social lives. He texts or calls me every day. He tells me he enjoys spending time with me, that he loves that we have intellectual conversations, and that I'm beautiful. I've told him I like him, and he recognizes that that is not something I say often. We also recently slept together. This is the first time I've been intimate before having a discussion regarding exclusivity, but it felt right, and I'm not upset I did that.

At this point, I'm incredibly happy with the progression, I just don't know if he sees this as something fun and casual, or whether he is, in due course, looking for a relationship. I'm not ready to have a "what is this talk", because a month is too soon for that for me, but I would like to know whether that is something he is open to in the future or if he's only looking for something casual. I don't know how to find that out without it seeming like I'm pressuring him to commit, but I also know for my own sanity that I can't have something casual with him.

Yes, I know I should have figured this out before sleeping with him, but I didn't, and here I am. Is there anyway to ask what he's looking for without pressuring him or making it seem like I want a commitment at this very moment.

Thank you as always for everyone's advice!

I really do think that in this case you have limited options.

You really can only ask straight out if he wants something more serious or wait it out and see if his actions give you more clues to his seriousness.

Don't let the past or anxiety rule you. Sex, no sex has no guarantees. He could come to love you or leave you either way.

Either he likes you and your confidence or he views you as one of those women who lack confidence in men and themselves, freak out after sex and need guarantees that no one can possibly guarantee with 4 weeks of barely knowing you.

Oh, but that is Exactly what you are doing:

I'm not ready to have a "what is this talk"

I used to have the same problem and the conversation came up at around month #3. Turns out he thought we were exclusive but we just hadn't had 'the talk". So in my case it worked out.

I agree at this point its limited options. You could decided to date him exclusively and you could say something like "I just want to let you know I'm only dating you." Leave it at that. it opens the door for him to say the same, or to leave it vague on his part.

You could also say somehting like "I just want you to know I'm only sleeping with you." which is probably the option I would have taken if I had spoken up prior to the 3 month mark.

Could you just take it by day and figure this out later? You just have to be okay with not knowing.

Yes, I know I should have figured this out before sleeping with him, but I didn't, and here I am. Is there anyway to ask what he's looking for without pressuring him or making it seem like I want a commitment at this very moment.

I'm not sure why you would hesitate to ask. In fact, I would find it much easier to ask this simple question, as opposed to sleeping with someone without knowing where I stand.

I really do think that in this case you have limited options.

You really can only ask straight out if he wants something more serious or wait it out and see if his actions give you more clues to his seriousness.

I pretty much came to this conclusion, too, but figured it would be worth seeing if anyone disagreed. Thank you!

I used to have the same problem and the conversation came up at around month #3. Turns out he thought we were exclusive but we just hadn't had 'the talk". So in my case it worked out.

I agree at this point its limited options. You could decided to date him exclusively and you could say something like "I just want to let you know I'm only dating you." Leave it at that. it opens the door for him to say the same, or to leave it vague on his part.

 

You could also say somehting like "I just want you to know I'm only sleeping with you." which is probably the option I would have taken if I had spoken up prior to the 3 month mark.

Could you just take it by day and figure this out later? You just have to be okay with not knowing.

Yeah, I know I created this dilemma for myself. In general my risk tolerance is quite low, so I will just need to tough it out and take the risk. Thanks for your response!

Don't let the past or anxiety rule you. Sex, no sex has no guarantees. He could come to love you or leave you either way.

 

Either he likes you and your confidence or he views you as one of those women who lack confidence in men and themselves, freak out after sex and need guarantees that no one can possibly guarantee with 4 weeks of barely knowing you.

 

Oh, but that is Exactly what you are doing

 

My brain certainly sees a clear distinction between "are you, in general, looking for casual relationships or are you open to a commitment with the right individual" and "let's be committed now", but this is why I've asked for advice before saying something that would likely end up being miscommunicated.

Asking if you are exclusive, when it comes to sex and your health and well being seems like a no brainer to me. It's just a natural conversation to have. That said, exclusivity with you today is no guarantee that he won't dump you tomorrow for someone else. All it means is that he won't spread around disease.....or so you hope anyway. Whether you come across as desperate, demanding, etc., etc. etc, really depends on how you word things and how you carry yourself. Personally, it's a conversation I always have and have never had a guy run away screaming from that. Ever. Actually quite the opposite, if we didn't happen to talk about that ahead of time, it was the guy who brought it up himself and it's really very simple "just to be clear, we are not sleeping with other people from now on, right?" "Right". Done. Again, it's not a guarantee of anything other than not fck'ing around on each other quite literally.

I have been in your situation and went back to tell him that I may have made a mistake. That I respect and honor where ever he is in the process and that he needs to do what's right for him. But for me, I typically don't cross that line unless I know that we are on the same page. I am not looking to define it or a commitment but I am not good at casual sex (or having sex with someone who might be having sex with others) and if we are not on the same page, I need to take a step back and revaluate and do what's right for me.

The man in question shared with me that he wasn't looking to be exclusively dating at that time and wanted to keep it casual.

I have to say I wasn't disappointed, he was very transparent and very much a gentleman about it and we parted ways on good terms.

For the most part I was proud of myself that I was able to act in my own best interest.

If it was me, I'd want to know if we were exclusive or not. I've always found that a guy who wants to be your boyfriend, will ask you fairly early on to be exclusive.

Once-a-week dates plus a few texts in between, signal to me that he's looking for exactly what he's found: someone he can have fun with, finds attractive, has sex with, and doesn't ask too much of him.

I don't know how you feel, but if I really liked the guy, this wouldn't be enough for me.

If it was me, I'd want to know if we were exclusive or not. I've always found that a guy who wants to be your boyfriend, will ask you fairly early on to be exclusive.

 

Once-a-week dates plus a few texts in between, signal to me that he's looking for exactly what he's found:

 

someone he can have fun with, finds attractive, has sex with, and doesn't ask too much of him.

I don't know how you feel, but if I really liked the guy, this wouldn't be enough for me.

Bolded, which is as it should be, after only one month! And vice versa!

OP, give him time, again it's only been one month (four dates?).

And actually, after only one month, that would be enough for me.

OP, have faith in your connection and trust that it will all work out however it's meant to. Don't push it or force it.

Always use protection and enjoy! Talk, spend time, determine whether or not HE is right for YOU (long term).

When the time FEELS right, casually ask him whether or not he's dating/having sex with other women.

Or tell him you are NOT (dating/having sex with other men.)

Gauge his response.

It really is that simple, it does NOT have to be the big heavy formal "relationship talk" like many people make it out to be.

Make it all light and fun!

I would have brought it up sooner. On the 3rd date, we were already talking about what we are both looking for ultimately. He asked if I was open to marrying again (i was divorced), and what my opinion on kids was. It was so early on it didn't feel like "kids with ME..." We hadn't even kissed yet.

Agreed that it doesn't have to be a formal talk but i think it seems a little more loaded after sex, etc.

He is clearly interested - he communicates a lot with you. So at this point i would not have any big talks. Just start talking about your life and asking questions about his. Do you know if he has ever been married or engaged? You should know that. Any kids?

Yeah, I know I created this dilemma for myself. In general my risk tolerance is quite low, so I will just need to tough it out and take the risk. Thanks for your response!

It's not a dilemma. Discussing whether you're exclusive sex partners or not isn't exactly hysterical--it's practical and topical. Either you're both mature enough to talk about how safe you're being, or you're not. If not, what's an egg shell walk supposed to accomplish--deeper attraction to someone with whom you can't even converse about stuff that matters?

It's pretty common fare for adults who are dating to talk about what they're both looking for. Asking someone whether they consider themselves to be relationship material isn't a taboo subject. If he'd view you as some needy flake for asking, then how fabulous could he be? Isn't that something you'll want to learn early?

Head high, enjOy yourself, and be who you are.

Why so complicated and anxious? Just have the exclusive talk now that sex is in the picture. He sounds smart enough to say 'yes looking for long term' but that is no guarantee to you that this will go forward. So what is your goal with this talk?

Get your past baggage sorted out . Try not to come out of the gate so clingy and needy.

"Relationship talks after 4 wks and a handful of dates?...Yikes!! you, in general, looking for casual relationships or are you open to a commitment with the right individual"[/b]