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Wife's Midlife Crisis and Emotional Affair


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Ok, at this point, I'm just looking for perspective, thoughts, feelings about dealing with a spouse going through a midlife crisis, and an emotional affair I've posted about before. 15 years of marriage, no kids by choice (especially her choice.)

 

I'm living with Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde. And I'm quickly coming to the conclusion that - as much as I love my wife, I deserve better than the way she's treating me. This was my conclusion on the emotional affair. I saw how it was tearing her apart, and still is. We nuked our relationship over it, and she said she would never forgive me for taking away this friend and that it would end our marriage. So fine, as long as it doesn't become physical, I said. Of course, I'm assuming it has been physical to some extent already. Much like the girl I dated in college who remained a "virgin" on various technicalities after the first dozen times she had sex with me, she denies it though I've more or less forced her to already admit there has been physicality I would consider inappropriate. But at that point I had decided I loved her and would be willing to forgive her, so I'd give her a chance to figure it out on her own. She'd decide to be the kind of woman I deserve, or else I would end our marriage.

 

She has tried to play the part, and 70% of the time, our marriage since then has seemed blissful. Then she sees her "friend" and she's an intolerable, miserable emotional wreck for 3 weeks afterwords. Then she comes back around and says, "I'm so lucky, you're so perfect, my life is so great."

 

It's really not about the other guy, who's pretty much a tool. It's that he and I represent the way she views her identity and the choices she's made. She's utterly miserable in her job, actually, in every job she's ever had. She's had crisis level conflicts with every boss she's had, and she's currently having one with the boss SHE hired after turning down the job herself. She says she feels like a fake all the time. She used to be passionate about fixing up our beautiful old Victorian home (which we purchased more for her than for me,) and about keeping a large garden. Now she refuses to garden or work on house projects or do any of the things we used to do together. She hasn't gone out with our mutual friends in months and instead lives her own separate social life. More than anything else, the core value our relationship was founded on was Epicurean philosophy of happiness: simplicity, self-sufficiency, community and friendship, contemplation, and savoring the joys of life.

 

Now she only wants to go out with her new "friend," a recent divorcee in his own midlife crisis, to the kind of ridiculous bro clubs that she and I STILL mock when we're together. She spends an inordinate amount of money on new clothes she primarily wears out to impress him, and gets drunk on $20 cocktails she used to hate. He lives in the kind of horrible suburban home that she most hates, and drives the kind of over-compensating car she mocks relentlessly when she's with me. She comes home and tells me how ridiculous it all was. Complete cognitive dissonance. And I see it's wrecking her.

 

I've read I should support my wife's transition to a different identity if the old one no longer works for her. I'd love to be able to support her through this. But, this other woman seems to have a completely different personality, too, different voice inflections, different physical manorisms, an IQ that seems 20 points lower, a horrible sense of fashion and taste in music and art. I can't stand her and certainly wouldn't want to be married to her. And at this point, there's not a thing left that she and I can talk about. I'm the enemy. I'm the life she doesn't want to be in.

 

So, here I am. My business is really taking off, seeing my first months over 7k in profit and the potential for that to grow significantly. Professionally, things couldn't be better. And it is simply advantageous for me to "ride it out" and stay in the marriage a little longer. So, perhaps she has another year to figure her own crisis out. I would consider myself the luckiest man alive to get to stay with the woman I married. She's the most extraordinary woman I've ever met, or will probably ever meet, period. And it saddens me, because I know the "friend" is using her and would not commit to a relationship or marriage with her, which will leave her in a lonely situation she'll regret. But maybe that woman is gone already. And I'm starting to distance myself and separate myself emotionally and financially.

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But, this other woman seems to have a completely different personality, too, different voice inflections, different physical manorisms, an IQ that seems 20 points lower, a horrible sense of fashion and taste in music and art. I can't stand her and certainly wouldn't want to be married to her. And at this point, there's not a thing left that she and I can talk about. I'm the enemy. I'm the life she doesn't want to be in.
unless your wife has an actual diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder, there is no "other wife, unintelligent, tasteless, and immoral". it is simply who your wife is.

 

i think cognitive dissonance is more of a problem on your end than hers.

 

people have crises all the time, and they don't choose to use them as an excuse for cheating- their own, or their partner's.

 

she cheats because she likes to, not because she is "having a crisis", has "a separate identity", or because "her friend is using her".

 

she told you if you get in the way of that, she'd end the marriage.

 

smell the roast, or develop another ten thousand rationalizations, excuses, and other colorful versions of denial of the shi**y reality that life with her is- and the irony is that the suffering that would entail would be consciously chosen and self-inflicted, as if she hasn't caused you enough of it.

 

sorry OP.

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unless your wife has an actual diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder, there is no "other wife, unintelligent, tasteless, and immoral". it is simply who your wife is.

 

i think cognitive dissonance is more of a problem on your end than hers.

 

people have crises all the time, and they don't choose to use them as an excuse for cheating- their own, or their partner's.

 

she cheats because she likes to, not because she is "having a crisis", has "a separate identity", or because "her friend is using her".

 

she told you if you get in the way of that, she'd end the marriage.

 

smell the roast, or develop another ten thousand rationalizations, excuses, and other colorful versions of denial of the shi**y reality that life with her is- and the irony is that the suffering that would entail would be consciously chosen and self-inflicted, as if she hasn't caused you enough of it.

 

sorry OP.

 

Thanks for taking the time to respond. From my reading online, there seems to be general agreement that midlife crisis and affairs - especially emotional affairs - tend to go together. I think this is the case.

 

This behavior started about 2 years ago, when she began openly talking to me about the conflict she felt between her choices and certain societal pressures she said she felt. When she met this guy, she began talking about how he represented this other set of what she sees as more mainstream, oblivious social values. The behavior is new. Like many who have spouses going through midlife crises, to me, she is not the same person I married.

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Can only second what the above poster so boldly said already. She cheats because she wants to and it is who she is. You have got to stop living in denial and stop making excuses for that. Also, you need to talk to a good divorce lawyer asap. Contrary to what you believe, waiting another year while your business is taking off more is liable to cost you that much more in the end, in terms of divorce. Heck, she might well make claims toward it and destroy it. You need to wake up today and get out today.

 

She already told you which way the land lies - if you get in the way of her cheating, she will leave you. So she knows already that you are a doormat she can wipe her feet on any time she wants and that she can actually threaten you with something so utterly absurd. YOU should be the one telling her that if she doesn't clean up her act today, she will find a suitcase on the doorstep next time she comes home and the locks changed and you don't give a rat's azz where she goes because you are divorcing her with extreme prejudice.

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15 years of what seems like providing amusement to her endlessly so that she doesn't go off her rocker, i wouldn't say the attitude is sudden, new, or surprising.

 

"midlife crises" aren't package deals with cheating, it requires a certain character, and certain choices.

 

i see no mention of either of you being in individual therapy, or in couple's counseling. but it woud be better suited than you trying to normalize the behavior which you cannot accept, and her trying to appease her endless needs and the wish to "fit in" by cheating.

 

 

if living like this is upsetting, and therapy isn't an option, and divorce isn't an option, then you truly are in a pickle.

 

eta:

And it is simply advantageous for me to "ride it out" and stay in the marriage a little longer. So, perhaps she has another year to figure her own crisis out.

until i reread this part, i didn't quite get that you weren't so much looking for suggestions as possibly venting.

 

you seem to be saying you'll wait another year and see if she just so happens to appease her problems with more cheating, so i guess if you're set on that, you can just revisit the problem a year from now.

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This is not something you should be supporting your wife through.

 

She's wasting your money on dressing up and gettin' down with this "friend". You know she has crossed at least some lines with him, and suspect that she's done or will do more. She's neglecting you in a lot of ways.

 

Talk to a divorce lawyer, and then talk to her. Contrary to what she seems to have made you think, she's the one who has worked to destroy this relationship and she'll have to be invested in saving it. That means getting rid of this dude from her life. She can live a different lifestyle without cheating on you and without alienating you entirely, she just doesn't want to right now because you're letting her have her cake and eat it. Give her a real wake-up call, and if changes don't happen soon (like, weeks at most) go through with the divorce.

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You know that being a "feminist dude" doesn't mean you have to put up with a woman's bull****, right?

 

Methinks the OP is supporting a particularly rare feminist cause - equal opportunity cheating for women. I know....I know....it's not exactly on the feminist manifesto and kind of hush hush, but somebody has to support this important equality challenge for all cheating wh... ooops ladies out there.

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So, perhaps she has another year to figure her own crisis out. I would consider myself the luckiest man alive to get to stay with the woman I married. She's the most extraordinary woman I've ever met, or will probably ever meet, period. And it saddens me, because I know the "friend" is using her and would not commit to a relationship or marriage with her, which will leave her in a lonely situation she'll regret. But maybe that woman is gone already. And I'm starting to distance myself and separate myself emotionally and financially.

 

Based on what you have shared, there is absolutely no motivation for her to change.

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Wow! Talk about living in a world of denial!

 

If you continue with this, you have no one else to blame but yourself. Wake up and stop ALLOWING her to disrespect you. Stop being a doormat!

 

The marriage is done, and she does not love you any more.

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You've grown apart, she doesn't want that life anymore. She wants to relax with people who are fun and make her comfortable. You can hang on but that's just the "whoever files for divorce first" game.

 

Unfortunately, she's way ahead of you on this 6821591] I'm starting to distance myself and separate myself emotionally and financially.

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How is she so incredible if she cheats on you and runs around with a jerk? She doesn't sound too great to me.

 

You are also excusing her behaviour when all the while, she might just be this person and was all along but hid it. She enjoys this man, let's just be honest here.

 

She enjoys him and does not want to give him up.

 

He gives her something on some level, and as much as you want to pretend that she really does think badly of him, the truth is, she thinks so much of him that she's willing to destroy a 15 year marriage for him.

 

This is her selfishness and you're excusing it all and allowing it to go on.

 

Tell her to get rid of the boyfriend or end it. To let her continue on like this is ridiculous and you are becoming a doormat to her.

 

A midlife crisis, my foot. This has gone on for too long. this is who she is.

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Yea, give her another year... Wait until you're making 14,000 a month. That's when she'll leave YOU and take half of what you make with her... someone has to have the money to change this dude friend she has nothing in common with into the man she can actually be happy with. O.o

 

You would do well to get the professional help you need to help you to find your dangly bits. She currently has them in her purse.

 

Sorry that you've let her do this to you because sadly, the minute you allowed her to have her cake and eat it too, she sub-consciously lost all respect for you.

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Yea, give her another year... Wait until you're making 14,000 a month. That's when she'll leave YOU and take half of what you make with her... someone has to have the money to change this dude friend she has nothing in common with into the man she can actually be happy with. O.o

 

You would do well to get the professional help you need to help you to find your dangly bits. She currently has them in her purse.

 

Sorry that you've let her do this to you because sadly, the minute you allowed her to have her cake and eat it too, she sub-consciously lost all respect for you.

 

Oh....I think she very consciously lost absolutely ALL respect for the OP. Sadly, once a woman loses respect for her man, it's over. Sadder still is how men don't seem to get that and think that if they just keep stooping lower and lower, giving up absolutely all self respect, that surely it will get her back, rather than just leave her looking at them with utter disdain and disgust. Also, I think she has brass balls while he is fully neutered, not by her though, by his own choice and of his own free will.

 

Anyway, I don't think we are saying what he wants to hear, so I doubt he'll be back to this thread, although I keep reading his post with morbid fascination. The case of denial and self delusion on the OP's part is fascinating..... in a horrifying kind of way......

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(My Armchair Psychiatry of the Mrs.) If she "consciously" lost respect for him she would have left him by now. She's still thinking she loves and respects our Op but her psyche is telling her differently and that's why she uses him until she's sure that her "friend" wants her the way she wants him. When she discovers that he still doesn't want to commit to her past the high school fiddling, she becomes maudlin and miserable yet again.

 

Bottom line, Op gets used for security and through habit which is the same reason why the Op doesn't just leave her. Co-dependent to the 9th degree are they.

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Hoo boy! Now don't anybody pull any punches on my account. Ha ha.

 

Well, I asked for feedback and I got it. And what I got was helpful, though not entirely what I thought I was looking for. I think some folks may have jumped to some conclusions or perhaps I gave a slightly misleading account.

 

As I said, I'm under no illusions here. I don't think I'm deluding myself. I fully acknwoledge the situation with the affair. And that my wife is not acting like someone I'm willing to stay in a marriage with.

 

But I'm quite certain that in this one very brief period of time, as my sweat equity and business investments begin to pay off, what I need is "anti-fragility." In a year, I believe I'll be able to afford to lose much more money and have my business absorb the shock. But right now, her claim on certain assets could set my business back years.

 

In the meantime, I have a hot wife, frequent adventurous sex, a companion who's company and conversation I enjoy, and she mostly tries to hide the fact that she's a hot mess from me. She only sees the guy every so often and it brings the mess to the surface, so I make myself scarce until she goes back to normal. In the meantime, she says she wants to stay with me and doesn't want an open marriage, but I've explained to her that I consider her behavior cheating, even if she claims she isn't "doing anything." So I don't feel guilty about "looking," myself.

 

So, I'm waiting. I have no reason to leave now, either.

 

Now, the question I was really wondering about is less the cheating that the midlife crisis. Whether others have seen a spouse go through something similar. I'm not looking to save my marriage by fixing it, though there COULD be conditions in which I stayed in my marriage. I do love still love my wife, even if this all sounds cold. But I'm more interested in how I could or should be for her, as a friend and someone I care about, regardless of whether she "deserves" it.

 

Today, she called in sick to work because she is miserable in her job. She talked to me. She basically SAID everything I said above, that she's confused by these two paths.... "I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want."

 

It's not just her marriage. She looks like she's torching her entire life in front of me. I wish I could help.

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I've read I should support my wife's transition to a different identity if the old one no longer works for her. I'd love to be able to support her through this. But, this other woman seems to have a completely different personality, too, different voice inflections, different physical manorisms, an IQ that seems 20 points lower, a horrible sense of fashion and taste in music and art. I can't stand her and certainly wouldn't want to be married to her. And at this point, there's not a thing left that she and I can talk about. I'm the enemy. I'm the life she doesn't want to be in.

 

.

 

Your wife is not transitioning to a "different identity". She is a cheater and you are an enabler.

 

This is not an interpretive literature course where we are dissecting the underlying themes.

 

Honestly, you need to grow a backbone.

 

You say you are "feministdude" but i think that means you put her on a big pedestal - this wonderful beautiful sexy creature does no wrong - she is only morphing into a new identity! You need to become a You-ist and be at least equal in this case and put your marriage first - meaning kicking the third person out of your marriage. Man up.

 

So go incorporate your business and divorce her. Or go to marriage counseling and she has to drop the other dude.

 

But this whole concept of supporting your wife's unfolding or transformation is a bunch of denial and hoo-ha

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But I'm more interested in how I could or should be for her, as a friend and someone I care about, regardless of whether she "deserves" it.

 

.....

 

It's not just her marriage. She looks like she's torching her entire life in front of me. I wish I could help.

 

Seriously, you need to get your man card back, Feministdude. You are not one of her girlfriends or her sister that just is an ear to listen to her woes about juggling men. You are her husband - so be one. Kick everyone else out of your marriage and stop being a doormat and protect your marriage. if you want to delay divorce, then she sleeps in another bedroom and you are no longer her ear to hold her hand through her "transformation".

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She is still with you because you let her play around and she has a soft place to fall.

You allow her to treat you like crap, you allow her to cheat, you allow her to have her "midlife crisis" with no accountability.

She sounds like a spoilt, pouty child.

No wonder she didnt want kids, she is one.

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