Broke up due to genotype incompatibility

I broke up with my fiance because he is AC and I am AS. He has been calling me ever since telling me he is willing to go thru regardless of the situation. I really do love him but sincerely I'm scared.......

So there's what, a 25% chance of any kid you'd have being SC? Honestly, while I don't want to come off as a 1920s eugenicist by any means, I do think taking into account health risks for a potential child is a very valid consideration when choosing a partner, assuming you feel the absolute need to have a biological child rather than adopt.

How old are you both, how long have you known each other and how soon do you plan to have children?

In these situations, I look to consider what the alternatives are. What is the likelihood that if you find another partner, they will a) be someone you want to marry and b) have a similarly 'incompatible' genotype? I have no idea how common this is, but your genetic counsellor should be able to answer questions about that

I guess the question would be, why are you so hell bent on having your own kids ?

Are you filthy rich, good looking and in great health, no history of cancer or heart problems in your family ?

No one is asked to be born, life is a struggle, so if you aren't going to be able to provide all the best things, why bring a poor defenseless life into this over crowded world ?

Maybe adopt ? Tons of kids whose parents decided they weren't worth the struggle to financially support them, gave them away like a sack of potatoes. Those kids need a loving home and if you are one of those people who feels the need to have a kid, this is a good option.

I wouldn't give up the love of my life for something like us not having a compatible genotype. Unless, this person isn't the love of your life and having a kid of your own is your ultimate goal in life, I always find those people obsessed with having their own kid a little off...

ask a question...kill a thread.

I'm sorry, but what does AC and AS mean?

Does this have to do with sickle cell disease? (sorry, I don't know if the name in English is correct)

I'm sorry, but what does AC and AS mean?

yes, offspring of ppl with these combined genotypes carry higher risk for sickle cell disease.

How much is the chance of a "normal" child? 25%?

Is it possible to bypass this through "assisted reproduction"? (once again sorry if this is not the correct term)

if i were OP i would ask myself different questions.

if this were a partner of many years whom i have established excellent compatibility with, i would consider adoption, instead of ruling the partner out.

if this were a fairly new relationship, i wouldn't be planning children yet, and would not dump a guy for something that may or may not be an issue in the future.

How much is the chance of a "normal" child? 25%?

 

Is it possible to bypass this through "assisted reproduction"? (once again sorry if this is not the correct term)

25% is pretty significant. I remember watching a facebook video with some dude holding two sisters, both with a very extreme form of microcephaly (among other conditions, I'm sure). Couldn't speak, can't eat without assistance, and barely any motor function. It was of course heart-wrenching. I'd assumed they were twins. Then I read that, after the first sister was born, the parents elected to try again because they were informed it was "only" a 25% chance it could happen again. It takes a lot for me to get p1ssed over anything I see on the internet, but that sure did the trick.

Obviously, even if any potential kid of the OP's did end up being born SC, they'd stand to live a much higher quality of life than the two young girls I'm referring to, but that's just to say I think the OP's instincts are reflecting a very valid consideration for the health of her children, and that of her children's children.

if i were OP i would ask myself different questions.

Brilliant, RainyCoast! I've been trying to find an inroad to offer advice - you nailed it.

Good luck, OP.

75% chance for "normal." 25% chance of being SC, which can bring on a form of debilitating anemia, albeit one generally a bit less severe than full blown (SS) sickle-cell.

 

25% is pretty significant. I remember watching a facebook video with some dude holding two sisters, both with a very extreme form of microcephaly (among other conditions, I'm sure). Couldn't speak, can't eat without assistance, and barely any motor function. It was of course heart-wrenching. I'd assumed they were twins. Then I read that, after the first sister was born, the parents elected to try again because they were informed it was "only" a 25% chance it could happen again. It takes a lot for me to get p1ssed over anything I see on the internet, but that sure did the trick.

 

Obviously, even if any potential kid of the OP's did end up being born SC, they'd stand to live a much higher quality of life than the two young girls I'm referring to, but that's just to say I think the OP's instincts are reflecting a very valid consideration for the health of her children, and that of her children's children.

I might be wrong because this is an area I know nothing about, but I heard of cases of assisted reproduction where the doctors choose the right cells and discard the "affected" embryo and then implant the right one in the mother's uterus. But I suppose this is a complicated and expensive process.

I can understand why someone would be very afraid of having a child with such diseases and watch them suffer and never having life quality. It's very complicated and something I never thought about so I can't exactly give much advice.

I agree with RainyCoast suggestions though and I understand OP's motives.

I'm 29 and he is 33, we hope to have children as soon as we settle.

In all sincerity, i appreciate your comments. I have been in tears all day. I hope i'm not making a huge mistake by putting an end to this relationship. He is the nicest guy I have ever met. He has been with me through thick and thin. The issue is, from my findings, I realize dat it's not easy to manage an SC child when in crisis, the trauma of seeing them in so much pains & me not being able to help them in any way is too soul wrecking, i fear that the love may cease btw us when crisis comes. He said he would want to have only two kids with me. I would have opted for adoption but he wants biological children. I'm at a loose end. This is my third year with him.

there is also the option to test an unborn child...and terminate if the results scare you...but that honestly sounds traumatizing to me... .

maybe others wouldn't see it as psychologically so taxing...

i am concerned that he insists on biological children...yet says you can work through this...what precisely is his plan about working through this? just doing it, then possibly an ill child and you constantly trying to manage the disease and prevent crises...?

i share your doubts. "we can do it but i offer no solution and reject yours" isn't going to work. and usually means "you will be the one doing it/managing it anyway" and of course he won't be the symptomatic one. generosity with others' resources abd ability to endure avoidable trauma. smh.

i would also dare say it points to more general incompatibility. someone who shares your goals, values and concerns would not approach them with a lame dismissive statement.

not saing SC risks are not worth it necessarily, but they are not what i would welcome with a

partner who displayed this attitude.

has he seen a genetics counselor with you?

if not, ask him too. perhaps when explained, the insistence on biological children will change.

I broke up with my fiance because he is AC and I am AS. He has been calling me ever since telling me he is willing to go thru regardless of the situation. I really do love him but sincerely I'm scared.......

Have you actually taken the genetic tests - not relying on whatever you were told in childhood - but actually take a genetic compatibility test. I think Counsyl might be one of the companies? Its possible that one of you was not told the correct info - Ie if Grandpa had sickle sell - you think you have a 25% chance when in fact the gene could have skipped you and you are not a carrier because you take after the other side of the family with that gene. Also, from what i remember, males have a slightly higher instance of having it.

Before you break up - I would consider taking this test. I would consider also adoption. But I would also say you may have a child without it, or with early screening and being aware of it, your child could receive early treatment and it could be managed very well. I have heard of children being cured of it if they have a bone marrow transplant at teen age or earlier. Medical advances are happening all the time. Life expectancy now with sickle cell can be up to 60 years.

Also, there is no guarantee that if you do marry that you will have a child. What if you have a bunch of miscarriages? That could happen regardless of who you marry. Or what if he becomes sterile because of chemo. If you love this man and the only issue is the genetic - i would marry him.

If he is a good man and you would marry him if it were not for this, I would take a deep breath - get the facts before you throw it all away. If it was a dealbreaker for you, you should have talked about this before getting to this point. If you are of Sub-Saharan African ancestory and are attracted to the same, there is no guarantee the next guy won't be genetically clean for it, either.

In all sincerity, i appreciate your comments. I have been in tears all day. I hope i'm not making a huge mistake by putting an end to this relationship. He is the nicest guy I have ever met. He has been with me through thick and thin. The issue is, from my findings, I realize dat it's not easy to manage an SC child when in crisis, the trauma of seeing them in so much pains & me not being able to help them in any way is too soul wrecking, i fear that the love may cease btw us when crisis comes. He said he would want to have only two kids with me. I would have opted for adoption but he wants biological children. I'm at a loose end. This is my third year with him.

I feel for you going through this and having to consider the risks and difficult choices. Big hugs.

I realize dat it's not easy to manage an SC child when in crisis, the trauma of seeing them in so much pains & me not being able to help them in any way is too soul wrecking,

I am older than you. I know there is an increased risk in birth defects at my age. However, I could have a completely healthy child, too. My sister went through the ringer with her child - who was born perfectly healthy and hardly ever got much more than a winter cold - but who had an injury from doing something dumb when he was 14. It took a few years of touch and go and lots of surgery. So just because your child is healthy, you can't say you will never have the experience of watching them hurt and not be able to help them. Your child might be born with something different. My cousin's little boy was born with only one hand. You know what - he lives a very full life with lots of friends and even plays sports.

I would ask yourself what else in this relationship is bothering you that makes you not want to marry him? You want a husband that will be with you through thick and thin whether you end up being unable to have kids or have 12 or adopt = not think about a 25% chance that you could possibly have a child with sickle cell. So what else about this man makes you not want to marry him?

abitbroken; I realize dat it's not easy to manage an SC child when in crisis, the trauma of seeing them in so much pains & me not being able to help them in any way is too soul wrecking,

I am older than you. I know there is an increased risk in birth defects at my age. However, I could have a completely healthy child, too. My sister went through the ringer with her child - who was born perfectly healthy and hardly ever got much more than a winter cold - but who had an injury from doing something dumb when he was 14. It took a few years of touch and go and lots of surgery. So just because your child is healthy, you can't say you will never have the experience of watching them hurt and not be able to help them. Your child might be born with something different. My cousin's little boy was born with only one hand. You know what - he lives a very full life with lots of friends and even plays sports.

I would ask yourself what else in this relationship is bothering you that makes you not want to marry him? You want a husband that will be with you through thick and thin whether you end up being unable to have kids or have 12 or adopt = not think about a 25% chance that you could possibly have a child with sickle cell. So what else about this man makes you not want to marry him?........

Nothing else dear!

Thank you all for your advice. It has really been helpful.