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Jibralta

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What a tough year everyone is having. Some are having it even tougher than others. It seems like a lot of people are facing a cancer scare on top of the whole COVID-19 thing. My heart goes out to them and their families.

 

My boyfriend and I are each facing career tumult. Mine came to a head a month ago, but the seeds were planted two years ago. I wasn't taken completely by surprise because it's been a constant battle.

 

Arnold's work-troubles all began with COVID-19. His family's business has been severely impacted and they've had to lay off most of their staff. It was heartbreaking for Arnold to watch his dad go through such a painful process. The future survival of their business is uncertain. This was totally unexpected.

 

We are both working from home, which has been nice. We live below our means and aren't terribly concerned about money at the moment. We enjoy each other's company. But we are each also in our own private Hell with our careers.

 

We both view the response to COVID-19 with a similar level of astonishment and wonder, but he has more anxiety about it than I do.

 

For me, the COVID-19 epidemic has been a relief of sorts. It means that I don't have to go into the office and face miserable managers that I can't stand. But I still wrestle with the ugliness of the situation that I am in. And the economic slowdown means that my job hunt is on pause.

 

Arnold associates COVID-19 with pain and anxiety for his father. It means he is losing contact with people that he cares for.

 

We were talking tonight about how it's tough to understand the pain that people are going though. We can't touch each other's pain, even though we are close and we know we are both going through something.

 

I look at his predicament and feel sad for him and his dad. But I don't feel the intense pain that Arnold feels about it. I know that he feels it. But I only feel sympathy, and a certainty they will ultimately be ok. It's almost as if I'm dismissing his problem, while he is stuck with the pain.

 

I know it's the same with him. He sees what I go through with my job, and he feels bad for me. But to him, this is just a temporary thing. I will make it through and be ok. He's on my side. But he can't feel my pain and sometimes that's frustrating to me. I realize that doesn't make sense for me to be frustrated by that.

 

The benefit of this, is that we each provide hope and clarity for the other. When I think of my hope for him, I know his hope for me is as clear and strong, and that feels good.

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They just laid off my coworker, Lisa. I am literally praying to be next!!!

 

She is one of my walking buddies at work. I will definitely miss her if I have to go back.

 

Working from home started out as a challenge. But it has gotten progressively easier as I adjust to my new set-up.

 

Right now, I am working on a short job for one of the principals, Daniel. I've never worked for him before. But so far, I like working for him the best. He's actually involved in his projects and doesn't deflect decision-making responsibilities back on to me.

 

I still have to conference in twice daily with Shannon and Jason. I've set up reminders for those calls in my phone. I've named them "Hate Brigade," and "Assh*le Conference." When the alarms go off, it actually helps to see those words along with the thumbs-down emoji and the vomiting emoji.

 

It reminds me of when I was trying to distance myself from this guy I was dating, and I set his ringtone to the wah-wah bugle music. That was surprisingly effective, too.

 

I am no longer in the loop for my last project (XYZ Project) with Shannon and Jason. I realized it yesterday, when the HVAC project manager, Lucian, started asking me questions about when we were submitting the XYZ Project. He told me that Jason said it was urgent that it got out ASAP.

 

I said, "I sent the XYZ project to the client last Friday and they are reviewing it. Jason knows that. He's the one who insisted I send it out without picking up all of the redlines."

 

Lucian said, "Well, you should call Jason and make sure."

 

I was like, "Well maybe Jason should call me if he needs something, instead of expecting me to guess what he wants."

 

Lucian said, "I'm just stuck in the middle."

 

I said, "So am I. I'm not even in the middle, actually. I'm outside of the middle."

 

This morning, Shannon complained that Lucian wasn't answering her calls. Jason said the same. I laughed to myself because Lucian always takes my calls!

 

They're also having trouble reaching the electrical project manager, Mitch. But Mitch always responds to my calls and texts.....

 

I guess there are some advantages to not being an assh*le. Maybe one day someone will let Jason and Shannon in on that secret.

 

Anyway, during the conference call, I indirectly learned that I was no longer on that project when Shannon said to Jason, "I forwarded you something about the XYZ Project."

 

After that, I called Lucian to inform him that I no longer appeared to be in the loop with XYZ project. He answered my call on the first ring. lol.

 

Then I called Lisa and checked up on her. She is stunned, but ok. She doesn't really need to work.

 

I'm turning in my project for Daniel today. Maybe they will lay me off after that.

 

If I don't get laid off, I hope that I get transferred to Daniel.

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Well, my prayers have been answered! A big thanks to you, if you also prayed for me to be laid off!

 

Late yesterday afternoon, Mark called me and laid me off. He sounded genuinely regretful about it. I am sure he was, actually. But only because he is uncomfortable looking like a bad guy.

 

I keep thinking about my conversation with him last month. How he couldn't give me a single specific reason for criticizing me, yet criticized me anyway. How he went directly into Paul's office afterwards, shut the door, and asked him, "What should I do?" (I know this last part because Paul told me. I find it laughable).

 

I texted and emailed with my coworkers to let them know what happened. Their supportive responses left me feeling really good.

 

I waited until the 5PM Assh*le Conference call to talk to my direct teammates about it. I am sure Jason and Shannon already knew that I was being laid off, but I didn't want to slink off like an injured animal, offering no form of goodbye.

 

I sat there on the conference call, wondering if they were wondering why I had dialed in. I figured they'd probably assume that Mark hadn't mustered the courage to tell me. They were probably wondering when he was going to tell me.

 

It was an interesting few minutes of bad acting.

 

At the end of the call, I said, "I just wanted to tell everyone good bye and good luck. I've been laid off."

 

There was a moment of silence, then an outcry of "Oh No"s, the loudest of which seemed to come from Shannon and Jason.

 

Shannon said, "Oh no, I'm so sorry, Jibralta. Nobody told me. I had no idea this was going to happen!" Then she said, "I heard Lisa got laid off earlier today."

 

It was a really stupid thing for her to say. It made no sense that they'd tell her that Lisa was laid off, but not me. Lisa works for a totally different manager.

 

I couldn't resist busting her on it. I said, "Wow, it's really strange that they told you that Lisa was laid off, but they didn't tell you that I was going to be laid off."

 

Shannon did her goofy Snow-White-and-the-Seven-Dwarves giggle and said, "Yeah, it is. I'm gonna have to talk to someone about that." Some accommodating laughter ensued.

 

After we ended the call, I received some "good luck" texts from my teammates. Jason also texted, saying, "This situation sucks. I hope you find something better where you don't have to feel like you're constantly under the microscope. Good luck."

 

Ugh.

 

Anyway, I am glad. I feel like I shouldn't say it, but it's true. I haven't been able to relax. Managing my job and my general career trajectory has been almost all-consuming.

 

That can all change now. The world has ground to a standstill. It's like a frozen moment in time where there's nowhere to rush off to.

 

I woke up this morning thinking, "Thus begins The Long Saturday."

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It's the first time I see someone praying to be laid off. I understand though. The majority of your posts the last two years were about your ordeals at work and the as*holes you had to put up with. All this backstabbing, gossiping and duplicity – you are a hero you stayed that long. I would have quit the first couple of months.

 

 

In any other case I would say sorry to hear but in this case I think you should celebrate it if anything else. It’s a good time to take a break for a few weeks and given the situation you don’t need to feel bad about relaxing a bit :)

 

I am an optimist and I always believe the best is yet to come. Take care Jib :)

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Thanks, guys.

 

I'm not totally stress-free about it, but I am definitely relieved.

 

It really helps to me read back through this journal and revisit some of the shenanigans that I witnessed while working there. I haven't even listed them all!

 

It's easy to forget that that this place has been effed up the whole time I've worked here, and that I witnessed this same thing happening to other people.

 

Even so, it's an ego-blow to be criticized and rejected and ultimately laid off.

 

I think perhaps a big part of it was my salary, which was pretty great. Mark mentioned it when I sat down with him last month. He said that my salary didn't match the level of responsibility that I had. I think he may have hoped that I would volunteer to take a pay cut.

 

Fat chance.

 

My response to him was basically, "I didn't exaggerate one bit on my resume. I'm willing to do the job; I just need guidance and support. When I interviewed with Frank, I told him there were gaps in my experience, and his response was that those gaps would be addressed. But they were never addressed. I've been left to my own devices the whole time I've been here."

 

I remember that first conversation with Frank, clear as day (side note: I originally named Frank "Bob" in this journal). I wrote about it in post #333:

 

I got the written job offer today. I was a little stunned by the level of responsibility I am going to have.

 

I went back and checked my resume, to make sure I didn't inflate my current responsibilities. I was very careful not to, but you never know how people might interpret things.

 

Even during the second interview, I told the guy that I have gaps in my experience that needed to be filled. He accepted this and said that this job would fill in those areas for me.

 

Well, I guess they're going to throw me right in!

 

And it's not like I just sat there and raked in the cash. I worked for my money, damn it! When I didn't know something, I asked questions. And when I couldn't get a good answer from people (which was often), I put in the time to figure it out myself.

 

This meant lots of extra hours during the weekday and on weekends. I put in 50 hours per week, minimum. It was probably more like 60 hours per week, average. And I was happy to do it. I'm still happy I did it, actually, because I learned.

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You may remember that I reached out to a former prospective employer, Bill, when this whole debacle first unfolded back in February.

 

I met with him in early March. At that time, he thought he might be able to take me on at the end of the month.

 

Well, I'm not holding my breath now, with this whole COVID thing. Plus, I want to take some time to clear my mind, decompress, and get my resume/portfolio together. But I do plan to reach back out to him in the near future.

 

Anyway, prior to our in-person meeting, while we were still emailing back and forth, I wrote, "I realize I make a nice, comfortable salary these days. My lovely salary comes with a lot of headaches. So, please don't let that put you off. If you decide that it's feasible to hire in the near future, make me an offer and I will consider it. Mentorship is as important to me as salary. One thing is not good at is mentoring and developing people. The experience is great, but the mentorship is lacking."

 

His response was, "I will keep that in mind. I can certainly be a mentor and teach you everything I know about architecture, business and real estate."

 

This response was like music to my ears. Well, eyes, since it was email.

 

When we met in March, I talked to him about how difficult it was to get answers to important technical questions at my job. I said, "I think people really don't know the answers, and that they're hiding their lack of knowledge."

 

He said that some people believe they will have an advantage if they know more about things than others. So, they have an incentive to hoard knowledge.

 

I said, "But it compromises the whole team and stops progress." I told him about how, in my previous career, one of my responsibilities was to train people to perform certain tasks. I said, "I taught them everything I knew, all the shortcuts and tips. I paid attention to the different learning styles. I could see what people's strengths and weaknesses were, and I provided support accordingly. Because if they didn't do it right, I'd have to do it myself. I wasn't afraid they would out perform me. I was confident in my ability. Plus, I like a level playing field."

 

For my next job, I want to work for someone who is not afraid to train their competition. I want to work for someone who appreciates a level playing field. Because ultimately, it isn't competition. It's collaboration. We can't get anywhere if one of us is always protecting their own ass.

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Because ultimately, it isn't competition. It's collaboration. We can't get anywhere if one of us is always protecting their own ass.

 

 

Amen! I abhor people who keep the know-how for themselves, notably nowadays where internet and technology are widespread and the knowledge is out there.

 

In fact, this is not about knowledge or information. There are some daily practical details which are unique to every job and someone has to show you how they are done. I don't fathom why some people act like they have strictly confidential MI6 secrets. Usually these people tend to be the same people who try to put everyone down to look better themselves. This is why corporate jobs suck, it's not about results, it's about who looks better.

 

We would work pretty efficiently and effectively together :)

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Jib , I think you really got it. They were viewing it as cutthroat competition rather than collaboration. A very unhealthy environment.

 

I sincerely hope your next job (when COVID has blown over) has healthy management and a well-oiled team that works well together. You deserve that.

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We would work pretty efficiently and effectively together :)

 

No doubt, Dias.

 

There are some daily practical details which are unique to every job and someone has to show you how they are done. I don't fathom why some people act like they have strictly confidential MI6 secrets. Usually these people tend to be the same people who try to put everyone down to look better themselves. This is why corporate jobs suck, it's not about results, it's about who looks better.

 

Yes, and this was my argument to both Shannon and Mark. In fact, in my email to Mark, I wrote, "Nobody knows it all. People should feel comfortable asking questions and not made to feel like idiots... Nobody here seems to feel that it is their responsibility to help fill in the knowledge gaps for a more junior employee. And yet architecture is supposedly an apprenticeship industry!"

 

I reasserted that same point to him in person, on the following Monday. But it was so obvious that my remarks fell on deaf ears.

 

Ironically, just one Friday before that, I'd seen my viewpoint validated in the outside world--the real world. It happened at the surgery center, during my visit for prolotherapy. While I was recovering from the anesthesia, I witnessed my post-op nurse train a newer post-op nurse on what to do after a patient (me) came out of surgery and started waking up.

 

The new post-op nurse performed all the tasks. I noticed the lack of hostility in the trainer's manner as she gave instructions. She didn't assume that the new nurse knew everything, or accuse the newer nurse of not knowing something she was supposed to know. The trainee did not rush around frantically, apologetic for her lack of knowledge.

 

It was as it should be: an easy, fluid process, where both nurses efficiently established their common knowledge so that they could find a middle ground and work more effectively together.

 

It was soooooo refreshing to see normalcy like that after two years of working at a place like this. It felt like I took a nice, deep breath of fresh air: normal people do exist!

 

And more importantly: It was reassurance that they were definitely doing it wrong in my office. If the medical field took my office's approach to training and development, people would literally die.

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I sincerely hope your next job (when COVID has blown over) has healthy management and a well-oiled team that works well together. You deserve that.

 

Thanks, luminousone. So do I!

 

They were viewing it as cutthroat competition rather than collaboration.

 

Yes. And the extent to which many of them will go in order to look good is nonsensical! This company actually throws itself under the bus.

 

What I mean is, it's common to hear a project manager tell a client, "We have everything ready on the architectural side, but the just can't get it together."

 

Apparently, the project manager thinks this makes him- or herself look good. And maybe it does. But it also makes the company look incompetent as a whole.

 

I've never seen anything like it.

 

Unfortunately, this attitude is filtered down from the owners, so it will probably never be remedied.

 

Mark has always been quick to blame the company's engineering departments for seemingly any problem that arises in a given project.

 

There are failures for sure, but many if not most of them are the result of poor scheduling and communication on the part of the architecture department.

 

Anyone who takes two seconds to look at the way the staff actually operates can see that, so I wonder if Mark's perpetual "blame the engineers" stance might simply be part of an ongoing struggle between him and his brother, Robert.

 

It is a family business, after all. The founder, Melvin, was their dad, and both boys grew up in the business. Mark became an architect and Robert an engineer, and it wouldn't be the craziest thing if some of the strife between the architecture and engineering departments stemmed from sibling rivalry.

 

In fact, the ongoing blame-war is so totally implacable and unrelenting that I think there can be no logical explanation other than sibling rivalry.

 

Anyway, the end result is that the owners and the employees do not understand that they are simply one part of a complete system, that their job is to make the system work, and not to make themselves look good at the expense of the system.

 

It's like a bunch of spoiled little kids vying for their daddy's attention and approval.

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Today, I went food shopping for the first time since the COVID pandemic. It wasn't too crazy. But it was weird.

 

Half the people were in surgical masks and latex gloves, half were not.

 

The parking lot was absolutely littered with latex gloves and disinfecting wipes. Apparently the "do your part" crowd felt entitled to leave their germy PPE to be cleaned up by the lesser mortals. Ironic.

 

The store was out of certain things: flour, yeast, and of course toilet paper (which I find endlessly amusing). It has rationed certain other things, like bottled water and hamburger meat. But otherwise, it was pretty well stocked.

 

Man, I thought the world went apesh*t in the 80s, when the AIDS pandemic broke out. But that's got nothing on this madness.

 

People were absolutely terrified of AIDS. I lived through the time when there was a 50% mortality rate and nobody was sure how the virus was transmitted. Little kids were getting it.

 

Yet we still went to school, we still left our homes. The economy did not collapse.

 

These be fascinating times, indeed.

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Dealing with my mom is so frustrating sometimes. She requires a lot of maintenance.

 

It's always been this way. There's something a little wrong with her. She knows it too, even though she insists that she's normal.

 

When we were growing up, the joke was that she had OCD. If everything wasn't exactly the way she wanted it to be, she'd lose her mind.

 

It was stressful for my sister and me because my mom became abusive. She was mean, and she would occasionally attack us physically. Then we'd get the silent treatment for days afterward.

 

But on the good days, the three of us were able to joke about her 'OCD.'

 

As I've gotten older, gone through therapy, and learned about personality disorders, I've begun to suspect that she has BPD.

 

All of her rages revolve around acceptance and (perceived) rejection. She is unable to argue rationally, unable to apologize.

 

Her only argument tactic is personal attack because to her, every disagreement is a personal attack upon her.

 

My mom's desire to be seen as 'right' is so powerful that she's even looked to our family dog for validation.

 

Yes, I know that probably sounds ridiculous, but it's true. I witnessed it in my early 20s, when my sister brought a dog into our household.

 

By that point, my mom's rages had become few and far between. The dog had maybe been in our household a year before my mom had one of her episodes.

 

The first time it happened in front of the dog, I was sitting on the couch in the family room. When my mom started yelling, the dog was completely confused. She (the dog) came over and sat by my feet, pressed up against my leg, and star up at my mom as she yelled. It was pretty funny (although I didn't dare laugh).

 

That happened a couple more times. My mom would flip out, and the dog would come and sit by me while it happened.

 

My mom noticed this, and didn't like the implication. One day, mid-tantrum, my mom walked over to the dog, picked her up, and continued to yell at me, all the while holding the dog in her arms.

 

From that point forward, my mom always yelled at me with the dog in her arms. She needed the moral support.

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It was definitely stressful, and it's left its mark on me in ways that I'm still discovering.

 

That entry was supposed to be about this stupid text battle that I got into with my mom the other day. I took screen shots and everything to post on here.

 

I had to dig back into my memories to set the stage for the whole write-up. But as I did that, a lot of old memories surfaced and distracted me, including the thing with my dog.

 

So, I let that tale go its own way and I'll post about the text battle sometime in the near future.

 

It wasn't anything crazy, just a microcosm of my typical frustration with her.

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I am getting ready to post my argument with my mom. You'll see that I've made obvious changes to some of the names in the screen shots.

 

Following here are a couple of facts to provide background and context:

 

1. My mom and Joe have been friends since childhood. They both had parents who immigrated from Greece and they grew up in the same Greek-American community.

 

2. Joe is an architect. I occasionally work for him when I have free time and will probably pick up work from him again now that I am laid off.

 

3. Joe lives in the same town that I do. He and his wife are currently in Florida until some time in May, and for the last two weeks I have been stopping by their house to check up on things.

 

4. Joe keeps in touch with my mom and it is obviously that they are often in close communication about me.

 

For example, last week, he randomly called and told me that Arnold and I could work from his house if we wanted. Shortly thereafter, I spoke to my mom and discovered that she'd told Joe that both Arnold and I were working from home. She asked me if Joe had offered the use of his house to us. I said yes. She said she knew he was going to and was curious as to whether we were going to set up there or not.

 

So yeah, she's a little over-involved. She's always been this way, and I am used to it.

 

5. As for Joe's house: It is awesome. But after some consideration Arnold and I decided that we'd just rather stay here in our cramped P.O.S apartment. It's home.

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These are the events that lead up to the text-argument.

 

After I was laid off last Friday, I called my mom and told about it. Then I talked to my stepfather (David) for a couple of minutes.

 

Just as I was getting off the phone with David, I said, "Tell mom not to tell Joe that I was laid off. I don't want him throwing work at me yet. I need some time to get my sh*t together."

 

I considered calling my mom and speaking with her directly to emphasize that I didn't want her to tell Joe. But I decided not to do that. I hoped she would respect my wishes without having to be told twice.

 

Fast forward to this past Friday. Arnold was making hamburgers and I wanted to bake hamburger buns. I had one package of dry active yeast, which was the perfect amount for my endeavor.

 

This was the last package of dry active yeast in State of New Jersey in the midst of this COVID crisis, and somehow between Thursday and Friday, I misplaced it.

 

It was sitting on top of the microwave on Thursday, but by Friday it had somehow escaped from my apartment.

 

After two hours of unsuccessful searching, it occurred to me that Joe might have some yeast at his house. He and his wife do a lot of cooking. So, I texted him.

 

A couple minutes later, Joe called me. He explained where they kept the yeast and then he said, "I may have some work for you. Do you have time?"

 

I said, "Actually, yes." It felt good to say that because I usually don't have time and usually don't accept work from him.

 

Then he said, almost apologetically, "Well, it's not going to be a lot of work, just some dormers on a Cape Cod."

 

I was like, "That's fine. Just let me know when."

 

He said, "Well, it may be a couple of weeks. The people are supposed to close on the house tomorrow."

 

I was like, "Joe, that's fine. I'm around."

 

He was like, "Ok, just let me write up a proposal and I'll get back to you."

 

I was like, "Ok. Not a problem." I felt like I was pressuring the guy for a job and I wasn't!

 

Then Joe said, "So how's work?"

 

I paused and then said, "Crazy....."

 

He said, "Are you guys working from my house?"

 

I said, "No, we decided to keep working from here."

 

He said, "oh, ok."

 

We said our goodbyes and hung up.

 

I sat there for a few moments, reflecting on our exchange. I wondered if my mom had told him that I was laid off.

 

So, I texted her.

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This is the argument with my mom. It's not major, but it is the first time I've ever been able to record one in some manner, and boy is it helpful.

 

It provides me with a map of how my mom rattles herself to pieces and lashes out.

 

My message is that I think she overstepped her bounds by telling Joe that I was laid off when I asked her not to.

 

I didn't attack her, I didn't criticize her, I didn't accuse her of anything--I didn't even argue with her lame defense.

 

I simply stated (and repeated) my feelings, giving her the opportunity to acknowledge them.

 

In the meantime, she repeatedly ignored/rejected my feelings, continued to justify her own actions, and attempted to prove her absolute supremacy by insinuating that I am a child and a liar.

 

It's sad, but this is why I am glad that we live 14+ hours away from each other.

 

If I show this screen shot to her in the future, and point out that I remained calm and unwavering, she will accuse me of passive aggressively trying make her look like the crazy one.

 

It's exhausting.

 

mom-convo.png

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It's hard to believe that it's only been a little over a week since I was laid off. Not sure why that is. It's not like I've been busting my ass. I've been mostly relaxing. Mostly.

 

Last week is a blur. I think I must have been overwhelmed by my feelings of freedom and elation.

 

This weekend, I realized just how much I've needed a vacation. I've also realized that a week isn't enough anymore!

 

I don't know if that's because I've been so stressed out, if it's because I'm getting older, or what.

 

The first few days after I was laid off, I caught myself taking long deep breaths here and there. Sighs of relief.

 

Over the last few days, I've experienced little pockets of anger towards Shannon, Jason, and Mark.

 

Nothing more that what I've felt over these last few weeks (and months), but striking nonetheless.

 

I think that's because until now, my anger was accompanied by (and smothered by) the intense pressure of all of that stress.

 

Absent the stress, it's just clear feelings, clear thoughts of "What the F is wring with those people? Why did I put up with that??"

 

Well, I know why I put up with it.

 

Anyway, the anger feels good.

 

I've also had brief pockets of anxiety here and there. I think that's normal, given the situation.

 

I bought a dope new computer last week so that I could touch up old projects for my portfolio and (eventually) do some side work if need be.

 

The computer hunt took up some time last week. So did the miscellaneous work-related house-keeping items, like returning the loaner computer and delivering project materials.

 

My boyfriend recommended his computer guy to me. I talked to the guy and I liked him. He set up a computer for me, but I got cold feet before I purchased it.

 

Despite his reassurances, the computer guy did not really seem that knowledgeable about the kind of hardware I needed. He's really more of a network specialist for general business purposes.

 

I texted the spec to Justin, the computer guy from my last job, and he said it was way bad.

 

So, I backed out of that and found a better machine (thanks to my boyfriend).

 

All of those conversations, all of the research, took hours, over the course of several days.

 

To me, it seems like it should be a 15-minute decision, but it's not.

 

Yesterday, I started a resume and portfolio overhaul.

 

So far, it's been lots of organizing, very little production.

 

It's quite an overwhelming undertaking. But I've been wanting to do this for years.

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Wow, that's a lot to take in!

Reading all this gave me flashbacks to what is now a little over a year out of my old job that was wearing me down for so many reasons. It took months before I felt fully decompressed and rested and processed the whole thing. Looking back, it was so crazy!!

 

Im wishing you the best and can't wait to hear about all the positive things that awaits you going forward. Now's your time for all those things that got pushed aside " when there's actually time and I'm not freaking exhausted!". I understand that so much.

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Reading all this gave me flashbacks to what is now a little over a year out of my old job that was wearing me down for so many reasons. It took months before I felt fully decompressed and rested and processed the whole thing. Looking back, it was so crazy!!

 

Wow, I didn't realize that you were also going through something like that!

 

Well, glad you are feeling better about it.

 

I am feeling better every day. I regret nothing lol.

 

Im wishing you the best and can't wait to hear about all the positive things that awaits you going forward. Now's your time for all those things that got pushed aside " when there's actually time and I'm not freaking exhausted!". I understand that so much.

 

Thank you :)

 

And damn straight! I'm catching up on my LIFE now :D :D

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In my effort to do a complete resume and portfolio overhaul, I've been going through tons of old project files from school and work.

 

I found an assignment that I did from February 2009, where the professor asked us to write two letters to ourselves.

 

One letter summarized where we would like to be in our careers, ten years from then, in 2019.

 

The other letter was an imagined letter from the future, a response from our 2019 selves to our 2009 selves, reflecting on the outcome of those goals.

 

It was an interesting read, especially because it's now just over 11 years later and I've lived all of those years.

 

I think I'm mostly on track. I haven't done any commercial real estate yet, but I plan to take a real estate course and get licensed starting this month, COVID permitting.

 

TEN YEAR GOALS

 

Where would I like to be in ten years from now? Simple: in a situation where the enjoyment of my life is

self-sustaining. I want to have a career that I love. I want to be able to pursue my hobbies and interests

to the furthest extent that I wish. I want to be capable and free and independent of others (but of

course enjoy family and friends).

 

The specifics of this goal are a little hazier, but I like it that way. I prefer to keep things open. I don’t have

any ‘hard’ goals, but I do like maps a lot, and I love history and infrastructure. I enjoy analyzing problems

and breaking them down for other people to understand. It might be nice to be involved in town

planning, or in the research involved in town planning. Or I might prefer to work in a position where I

was responsible for persuading investors to get involved in infrastructure/development projects & keep

them moving along—sort of like sales.

 

I definitely want to be involved with real estate, whether it’s my primary career or only a part-time

endeavor, so I should follow through with my real estate license. I’d also like to complete my IDP and get

licensed as an architect. Although I probably won’t work for a firm that designs buildings, I’d like to be

competent in that respect. I’d like to be able to buy and sell houses. If they require renovations, I’d like

to be able to make informed decisions about what needs to be done. I hope that my education in

infrastructure will help me to recognize the value of property. I’d like to buy a house or a condo

somewhere and pay off the mortgage as quickly as possible. I do not like to carry debt.

 

Wherever I am in 10 years, I want to have the power to do what I want to do. I want to enjoy my

friendships and my family. I want to have freedom. I am curious, and I don’t think that I will every want

to stop exploring. My life is sort of an experiment: The major question is, how far can I get being the

person that I am? Time will tell.

 

LETTER FROM THE FUTURE

 

You chose to major in architecture because you felt that it was your best bet for long-term career

enjoyment. Good choice. Architecture is both analytical and creative, and affords the type of career

flexibility that you were looking for. Make sure that you learn how to charge people for your effort! Pay

off your debts as quickly as possible and avoid incurring more debt.

 

Get licensed in architecture and in real estate. Complete your second master’s degree in infrastructure

planning. Take some public speaking courses and work in the commercial real estate industry for as long

as is feasible. Nothing makes infrastructure come alive like commerce.

 

You will achieve your goal of enjoying life as long as you understand that the quality of your life is largely

determined by whether you adhere to your values or not. Be completely honest with yourself and other

people. It is necessary that you differentiate between the things that you want and your perception of

what others think you should want.

 

Avoid ego and pride at all costs. These two things ruin everything. Nurture a healthy distain for money

and fame. Be sure to make as many mistakes as possible, as early as you can. This way, you’ll make

better decisions earlier. Be flexible about your future.

 

The majority of activity on this planet is well beyond your control. The largest measure of control that

you possess is in the actions that you take every day. Take aim before you take action. Be slow to act,

but act decisively and without hesitation when the time comes. Move steadily forward at the rate that is

possible. Don’t lose sight. Do not be reactive. Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. If you are not good at

something, get better at it. If you don’t know something, learn it. Take your time. If you are afraid of

something, face your fear.

 

You will be here soon.

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This May will mark 10 years since I completed my (first) graduate degree.

 

Graduate school was a great experience for me. I dropped a lot of the social barriers that I carried around and made an effort to be friendly with my classmates. The result was that our whole class (which consisted of about 22 people) got along smashingly well and nearly all of us have stayed in touch over the years. I think only three people have "dropped off," so to speak, and I'm sure they'd be welcomed back any time they chose to make contact.

 

After we first graduated, it was really easy for all of us to get together on a regular basis. But over the years it's become more difficult as our careers, relationships, and families grew and made our lives more complex. Some people are able to get together here and there, but it's been years since we've gotten everybody at once.

 

Back in July, someone forwarded the idea of having a ten-year reunion. Everyone jumped on it and after some emailing back and forth the consensus was that we should rent an airbnb (or airbnbs) somewhere for a weekend so that spouses and family could come as well. I was psyched.

 

Obviously, the COVID crisis has knocked that one out of the stars for the near future. But a week or two ago, somebody suggested we do a Zoom party instead. Even though it involved literally no travel or even effort on my part, I was reluctant. No particular reason; just senselessly lazy. I am such a homebody that I am even a homebody inside of my own home.

 

Anyway, the organizer was really persistent. I joined in and I'm glad I did. Only seven or eight of us were able to attend, but several of those were people I haven't seen in probably a year or more so it was worth it. And it was surprisingly fun, even though I was using my phone and couldn't see everyone at once.

 

Looks like my classmate Jack and his wife actually contracted COVID. They were never tested but remained in quarantine with their daughter for two weeks. They are pretty sure it was COVID because Jack's mother in law, who had been visiting right around the time they became ill, later tested positive for COVID. Everybody is fully recovered.

 

On that note, my sister thinks my mom had COVID back in February, but since there is no antibody test available at the moment, we don't know for sure. However, my mom had all of the preliminary symptoms and was then pretty much knocked out for two weeks with what she believed to be a bad chest cold. I remember how it just wouldn't seem to end. I didn't associate it with COVID because it was before the whole thing blew up. But I wouldn't be surprised if it was.

 

Fortunately, with the exception of some post-illness temporary fatigue, she has recovered fully. Her major challenge is this forced isolation, which she absolutely hates.

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Man, I made the most delicious tuna fish.

 

Usually with canned tuna fish, I just mix the contents of the can with lemon juice and mayo. Then I eat that with Ritz crackers.

 

But yesterday, I had to use up a bunch of fresh tarragon and I know that herb goes well with fish. And I have a lot of canned tuna fish on hand these days.

 

So, I chopped up the tarragon, grated a bunch of fresh ginger, and mixed it up with a can of tuna fish. Then I added a can of chopped water chestnuts, salt, a crapload of black pepper, lemon juice, lemon zest, and mayo.

 

MAN, it is GOOD.

 

I wish I had more tarragon. I'd make it again in a heartbeat.

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Bill, the potential new employer, emailed me on Saturday:

 

How are you doing through all this craziness? We are open and working remotely. Just wanted to touch base to tell you I'm still not giving up on having you work with us. Obviously this has been a bit of a curveball in our plans. Are you still working at XYZ Company? Would you have any time for working remotely with some Revit work?

 

I responded on Sunday:

 

Hi Bill,

 

Glad to hear you are all doing well. I've actually been laid off as a result of all this craziness. Let's talk!

 

Happy Easter (mine is next week)!

 

He hasn't responded back yet, and it's making me wonder. Did I do something wrong? Did I inadvertently email him a snapshot of my middle finger? Say "F*ck you" instead of "Let's talk?"

 

I think I'm a little sensitive about being laid off. Part of me feels like it is an infectious disease that future employers don't want to catch.

 

It's especially stupid that I am feeling this anxiety, since I would actually prefer not to work for the next few weeks. I am just now finally starting to relax after years of going at my career full throttle.

 

In fact, I've deliberately not reached out to Bill for this reason. Why in the world should I now want him to call me and offer me a job?

 

I think part of my problem actually has to do with protecting my daily routine.

 

It's been pretty lax, but there is some order to it. I've been spending a lot of time schmoozing, a lot of time walking around outdoors, and a little time doing resume/portfolio stuff.

 

If Bill offers me a part-time job, which is what this appears to be, I'll probably end up doing his work instead of my own resume/portfolio work.

 

I feel myself already making room for his work in my life, and that is stressing me out. I dislike suspense in these matters and I crave boundaries.

 

If my routine is going to be interrupted, I want specifics ASAP. How much work, what duration, etc.

 

I spent all day Sunday and all day yesterday watching Revit training videos to get ideas on how I can incorporate Bill's office standards into Revit. Two whole days I've invested into something that isn't even a sure thing.

 

Yes, boundaries are a must.

 

It's funny how easy it is to go all-out for other people at the expense of my own endeavors. It's a form of procrastination, and ultimately avoidance, I think.

 

There's a great line in The Last Unicorn, where Molly Grue accidentally stands up for herself and freaks herself out by doing so. She thinks, "it is easy to be brave for [the unicorn's] sake... but if I begin being brave on my own account, where will it end?"

 

In answer to that, I guess I can refer myself to Joe's old computer. Joe, who quit two weeks or so before I was laid off.

 

The company gave me his old tower to use as an at-home workstation when this whole COVID thing started to take off. On the tower, he'd taped a fortune: "Man's biggest mistake is to believe that he is working for somebody else."

 

Anyhoo, I sent a follow up email to Bill today to see if he got my initial response. But what I really think I should do is resume my Plan A, and put Plan Bill out of my mind.

 

No point in stressing. It never solves problems.

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