Thoughts, Rants, and Musings

I had a steroid injection in my neck today, so I had to take the whole day off of work.

Boo hoo.

Not.

When I got home, I watched a couple of movies. One of these was Bridget Jones's Diary, which I have a lot of affection for. I was about 24 when it came out, and while I've never faced the same matrimonial pressures as she did, I've always found her misadventures to be delightfully relatable.

One of the most relatable scenes in the movie is where she runs down the street in her underwear, in the snow, to catch Marc Darcy, her love interest. I may not have actually done that for a love interest, but I have often done this (in front of college neighbors) to get a cigarette out of my car while stoned and/or drunk, or because I was tripping and having a spiritual experience. I am ordinarily a very modest person, but when I have an objective, I tend to stop caring.

I did once jump into the ocean in my underwear in front of an NFL defensive tackle and his friends. I won't say the player's name, but maybe you can figure it out if your football knowledge is deep. He played for 12 years and he switched to a brand new team about midway. Both teams are currently forces to be reckoned with. That's all the info I'll give you. For the purposes of this story, his pseudonym is Brian.

I was 19 at the time. Here's what happened: My friend Joanna had met a male underwear model somewhere and was hell bent on meeting the guy down the shore on July 4. I went along with her. We met up with the underwear model and his friend later in the day, at his uncle's house, which was right off of the boardwalk.

Once there, we found out the uncle was this defensive tackle for xyz football team. We didn't expect the uncle to show up, but he did, late evening, along with two other big dudes. So it was me, Joanna, and five strange dudes, three of whom could snap the other four of us in half. But they were all totally cool. The DT and his friends didn't try to intimidate us girls or pressure us into sex or anything like that--possibly because they respected that we were with the nephew and his friend, possibly because they were ok guys.

I was drunk, I was thirsty, I stuck my head under the sink to get a drink of water and the three big guys decided I was nuts. I guess that's debatable. Brian dared me to jump in the ocean and that sounded like the greatest idea I'd ever heard of in my life. I love the waves. Plus, he offered me $20 as if I wouldn't do it for free.

Zero thought, I walked out of the house and down to the ocean. As I got closer to the ocean, I ran. Then I realized I wouldn't have any dry clothes if I went in as-is. So, I pulled off my shirt and my shorts as I ran. I remember some onlookers hooting and hollering, and then I reached the surf and dove in. It was perfect.

Those guys really thought I was crazy for doing it, but I felt like everyone should be doing it.

I've mentioned a couple of times that there is this guy at work (pseudo)named Andrew who often stops by my desk and chats me up. I became concerned about it because I thought it was excessive. I was afraid that he was trying to hit on me. I made it clear that I had a boyfriend, but that didn't seem to phase him.

At our office Christmas party last year, I introduced Andrew to my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I had some enjoyable conversations with Andrew and his girlfriend about restaurants and weekend excursions. Andrew's girlfriend was gorgeous. A couple weeks later, he proposed to her. After meeting his girlfriend and then them getting engaged, I felt like I was off the hook in terms of being hit-on.

However, Andrew never stopped visiting my desk. And a lot of the time, it was to complain about his fiance. That threw me off again and made me feel like he could still be hitting on me. So, I tried to sidestep that aspect of the conversation.

Recently, Andrew went on a lengthy vacation to Greece with his fiance. I think the vacation went well because upon his return, he didn't stop by my desk much or complain about his fiance.

But then, the other day, Andrew gave me a souvenir from Greece. It was small and pretty and I really like it. I'm not giving it back! But I texted a picture of it to my boyfriend explaining that Andrew brought me a souvenir.

I realize that all of this could be the most innocent of exchanges, even the visits and the complaints. But because I have some level of uncertainty, I felt that not telling my boyfriend about it would be akin to hiding something from him.

It's weird how emotions work. But it just feels better to keep my boyfriend in the loop.

He is not hitting on you but he likes you.

Yeah, you're probably right. He knows my family is Greek and that is probably why he has this affection for me. And he's a nice guy. Gets along with everyone. I know I can be a little hypersensitive about these things and thus quick to throw up boundaries where they may not be necessary. My comfort zone tends to be fck off, which isn't always fair to people.

However, in my defense, complaining to me about his fiance is not making him look good. I do get that this may just be his way of shooting the sht and that his 'complaints' may really just be very minor everyman topics to bs about. I'm not saying it is wrong to do so. But it raises warning flags for me and I am wondering why that is.

I think I can come up with two reasons off hand.

First, my relationship is off limits to people who are not in it. Minor day-to-day disagreements--even if they become very heated--aren't topics of discussion outside of my relationship. The only way that would change is if things got very bad, or if there was a recurring problem that we couldn't work past. Then, I would start to solicit the opinions of others. So, when people start talking to me about their relationship problems, I think my first assumption is that things are in dire straights.

Second, some people do actually use relationship-complaints as "feelers" to gauge the level of romantic interest in others. It's tactic that I've been blindsided by. So, unfortunately, my blindness in this area has tarnished my overall outlook (sort of a self-defense) and I can be a little jumpy.

When I was in graduate school, I made friends with pretty much everyone in my class. It wasn't a huge class--maybe 25 people or so. But we were pretty close-knit then and have loosely kept in touch these last 9 years.

I see some of them more than others. Two weekends ago, I went to dinner with three of them and their respective partners. When we said hello, we gave each other the biggest bear hugs. It was so nice.

Bridget Jones Diary ~ my all time favorite

It's so funny :)

I joined a fantasy football league at work. My boyfriend actually manages my team. Last year, we won. It was the first time either of us played fantasy football, but he was a natural at it. This year, we're starting off strong. But I'm not counting my chickens yet because I've seen crazy things happen with football.

I've never been big on football, but somehow fantasy football makes it more interesting and easier to learn. This year, I actually sit down with my boyfriend when he watches games. I actually make sure all of my work is done and I am home!

I'm not a fan of any particular team. I just like to see good players (and good teams). One stand-out team has been the Patriots. I spent a couple hours last weekend watching documentaries about Tom Brady and Bill Belichick.

Bill reminds me a lot of my old boss, Mark: Quiet, brilliant, organized, competent. Default position: gentle, kind. Yet still spent every recess exchanging punches with his friends.

He was a coach, too. All three bosses were coaches, actually. I've often wondered if that was why their projects ran so smoothly: they knew how to run a team, minimize conflict, maximize output.

I really miss all those guys. I like my job now and I like the people I work with, but I also miss the people from my old job. Especially Mark.

Today was one of those crisp, clear, gorgeous fall days. As I walked into the office from my car this afternoon, I abruptly recalled that it had been the same kind of day on September 11, 2001. That morning, I also marveled at the beautiful weather as I walked into my office... Once inside, I heard one of the secretaries say, "A plane hit the World Trade Center." I assumed some amateur pilot in a cessna made a big mistake. Then the other plane hit....

Mark called me into his office to talk this morning.

He started by saying that he sees how hard I work (immediately I thought something bad was coming!), and that part of the reason I’ve been bouncing around so much is that people have had doubts about my skill.

He said that a lot of that has to do with me being paired up with Catherine when I first started. I wanted to add, And because Frank capitalized mercilessly on that disaster and tried to make me out to be a moron... But I held my tongue. Mark went on to say that he sees potential in me. I thought, Oh boy, here comes the bad thing....

But it wasn't really bad.

He said that with two people leaving Shannon’s group (Jolene and Ahmed (who just gave his notice recently)), they wanted to put me there to help Shannon and Jason run the department.

Ah. I understood why so much preamble. People don't look fondly on that group. Some may see this as a bad move for me. But I don’t see it that way. I think it will be very good for me, professionally.

Mark didn't realize that I felt that way, though.

He went on to say something to the effect of me having “shop skills” or something (I can't remember the words he used), and referred to the spreadsheet I’d sent him when I first complained to him about Catherine last August. This was a spreadsheet with graphs that showed how my overtime hours had accumulated to a point where, at week 12, I had put in 15 weeks worth of hours on the project--and still we made no real progress. I sent it to support my argument and illustrate Catherine's complete lack of oversight. It was a pretty nice spreadsheet. I happen to be very good at excel.

Mark said that he felt this would be a good move for me, that it would help to round out my skills. He gave me this spiel about 'design architects' that don’t know how to build, 'nuts-and-bolts architects' that don’t know how to design, architects that can design well and can build well but who don’t understand real estate, and finally architects that design and build well and who do understand real estate.

He was probably going somewhere with that speech, now that I am thinking about it. He was probably trying to sell me the nuts-and-bolts experience that I am probably going to have with Shannon (a lot of architects balk at that; they think it’s somehow below them).

Anyway, if he was trying to make a pitch, he never quite got there. He said he was in the fourth category, and at the earliest point I could, I interjected and said that I was aiming to be in the fourth category as well. I said that I got into architecture after taking a real estate class, and that real estate has always been part of my vision.

Mark asked me if I minded moving my seat. I said no. He gave me a choice of desks to move to.

That's something, actually. I saw them move one of my coworkers (Ilene) to that department without saying a word to her! They just moved her sh*t to a new desk and she learned about it when she came in on Monday morning! Eventually, she quit--which I'm sure is what they wanted and why they did that. The fact that Mark actually sat down and talked to me about it beforehand and gave me a choice of seats tells me that they don't want me to feel unwelcome and leave.

I am optimistic about this. My project with Mitchell is languishing, and his department is slow on work right now. I'd rather have steady work than have to hustle sporadically and juggle multiple diverse projects.

The really ironic thing is that now I am sitting in Catherine's old desk!

Just yesterday, I was calling it the "ejector seat" to my coworkers. First Catherine sat there and she was fired. Then Ilene got moved there and she quit. Then Jolene was hired and she sat there. Then Jolene quit.

After I talked to Mark, he sent an email to the other principals and to Paul (the one-stop HR/finance/admin manager), notifying them that I'd agreed to be moved and that I would let them know which desk I chose.

After brief thought, I decided that the slight awkwardness of occupying Catherine's former seat wasn't awkward enough to make me wait a week for Ahmed to clear his desk. Plus, her desk was the bigger of the two.

I replied to Paul and said, "I'll take the ejector seat (Jolene's old desk)."

A couple minutes later, I heard Melissa (the billing manager) laugh out loud and I knew Paul had shown her my email.

Not long after that, Paul came to my desk and said, "I was putting you there anyway. It's the bigger desk."

I joked with my (now former) neighbors about going to the ejector seat. They reassured me that it would stop being an ejector seat once I got there.

Later, Damien in the print room said, "You'll hold it down. That's why they're putting you there."

I told my boyfriend what happened and he was angry that people doubted my skill. I said, "Yeah, that's tough to hear, but I knew it was going to happen. I knew I couldn't escape unscathed from that disaster with Catherine. The whole reason I complained to Mark about her in the first place is because I knew the situation was damaging my reputation. It's something I'm going to have to live down, even though I didn't cause that whole problem. I was involved, and that's their first impression of me."

People are busy. People are trying to get through their days, put food on the table for their families. They are involved with their own lives. They're not all that worried about whether I've been fairly represented in the court of public opinion. Rumor and hearsay is enough for most. It's the way of the world.

Fortunately for me, I don't rely upon the opinion of others to tell me what I'm capable and incapable of.

Today was one of those crisp, clear, gorgeous fall days. As I walked into the office from my car this afternoon, I abruptly recalled that it had been the same kind of day on September 11, 2001. That morning, I also marveled at the beautiful weather as I walked into my office... Once inside, I heard one of the secretaries say, "A plane hit the World Trade Center." I assumed some amateur pilot in a cessna made a big mistake. Then the other plane hit....

It was also such a day where I live. I took my son to preschool then drove home with my infant. I heard something on the radio on the way home, so I flipped on the TV when I got home. And the horror unfolded.

My husband's cousin across the street from there. I never talked with her about her experiences, but I'm sure everyone is scarred. She lives in Oregon now.

My sister worked in the building that was bombed during the Boston Marathon some years ago. She ran out of the building without her shoes or purse and kept running for a mile. She finally got on a city bus and explained to the driver why she had no money so he let her on. And when she got home she didn't have her keys or phone.

She no longer works in the financial sector as she started her own business. But she was so traumatized and I bet that played a part in her decision to take a different path in life.

The really ironic thing is that now I am sitting in Catherine's old desk!

 

Just yesterday, I was calling it the "ejector seat" to my coworkers. First Catherine sat there and she was fired. Then Ilene got moved there and she quit. Then Jolene was hired and she sat there. Then Jolene quit.

 

After I talked to Mark, he sent an email to the other principals and to Paul (the one-stop HR/finance/admin manager), notifying them that I'd agreed to be moved and that I would let them know which desk I chose.

 

After brief thought, I decided that the slight awkwardness of occupying Catherine's former seat wasn't awkward enough to make me wait a week for Ahmed to clear his desk. Plus, her desk was the bigger of the two.

 

I replied to Paul and said, "I'll take the ejector seat (Jolene's old desk)."

 

A couple minutes later, I heard Melissa (the billing manager) laugh out loud and I knew Paul had shown her my email.

 

Not long after that, Paul came to my desk and said, "I was putting you there anyway. It's the bigger desk."

 

I joked with my (now former) neighbors about going to the ejector seat. They reassured me that it would stop being an ejector seat once I got there.

 

Later, Damien in the print room said, "You'll hold it down. That's why they're putting you there."

I laughed out loud when I read this, and then reread it to confirm that you actually did say that. You cheeky one! Glad you are happy with the move and glad you have a chance to dispell the negative misimpressions.

But - it is frustrating that Catherine is still affecting you from the grave. I hope in time that will be proven false as people experience your work. But sometimes it is difficult to shake those first impressions.

For my sister, she started out at a (financial) firm right out of school. Actually she worked there as a young intern during school. So people there viewed her as the young puppy with no experience. Five years later she couldn't shake that, so she moved on to a job at another firm that recognized her talent and experience.

Hopefully, in time, people will begin to recognize your talent and expertise. I actually think that Mark was acknowledging it by his talk with you.I also think you now have a fan in Paul and Melissa. Lol. And, of course, your buddies in the copy room.

You must be so glad that you had covered your rear with that Excel sheet.

Thank you :)

But - it is frustrating that Catherine is still affecting you from the grave. I hope in time that will be proven false as people experience your work. But sometimes it is difficult to shake those first impressions.

One of the things that really annoys me is that Frank could have helped me out during that whole fiasco (and beyond). But he didn't. Instead of giving me a hand, Frank tried (repeatedly) to portray me as an incurable incompetent. I really think Frank did more harm to my reputation than Catherine, to be honest. I think he was trying to force me out the door. And he continued doing that right up until I involved Ivan.

I don't think I mentioned this, but I started recording Frank's every word back in February. He was saying the most effed up things to me, and it was really messing with my mind. I was losing sleep at night. Also, he is a huge liar and passes blame off left and right. So, I started recording him. I have all of the recordings. I'll tell you, it gives me great peace of mind to have them. The very first time I recorded him, it paid off because re-listening to the effed up things he said validated my feelings. I could reassure myself that yeah, that really did happen, he really did say that. It felt good to know that I wasn't crazy. I could show these recordings to someone else and they could hear the same thing. It really isn't just me.

Anyway, the crazy thing about the Catherine/Frank situation was that, according to Paul, Frank and Catherine were actually in constant, unfriendly competition with each other--something I was totally unaware of until after I wrote Mark that letter last year. If that was the case (and I believe it was), I don't understand why Frank didn't expose Catherine as incompetent and defend me. I think that something in Frank's mentality compels him to to ignore, downplay, and straight-out deny the capabilities of others, exaggerate (and even imagine!) their weaknesses, and to portray every flaw as incurable. The compulsion is so great that he does this even to his own detriment. This is just so opposite of every professional experience I've had--especially the one at my last job, when my boss sought out and embraced everyone's strengths.

Frank's mental. I think he's running scared, to be honest.

Anyhoo. Moving on....

or my sister, she started out at a (financial) firm right out of school. Actually she worked there as a young intern during school. So people there viewed her as the young puppy with no experience. Five years later she couldn't shake that, so she moved on to a job at another firm that recognized her talent and experience.

You know, that may happen to me, too. It happens. Plain and simple.

But I can't control what other people think of me. I can only control what I do.

My plan is to absorb as much as possible while I'm with this company.

I think I'm in a good place, as far as my career path is concerned. There are some very talented people here that I will be able to learn from--Shannon is one of them. Mitchell is another. Also, this firm is fairly unique in its size, structure, and capability. I can gain a lot of different experiences here that my peers generally don't have the opportunity to embrace. So, I will stick it out as long as possible.

My short term goal is to work here for about five years and then reassess. My long term goal is to open my own practice. So, any and all experience is valuable to me at this point. If one of those experiences turns out to be that my coworkers are perpetually unable to acknowledge my competence, well.... oh well! lol. Their loss.

But I really do think Shannon will find value in me. She's pretty quick.

People are busy. People are trying to get through their days, put food on the table for their families. They are involved with their own lives. They're not all that worried about whether I've been fairly represented in the court of public opinion. Rumor and hearsay is enough for most. It's the way of the world.

People like to be told what to think.

We hate to like it--I think most people would vehemently protest and possibly become angry with me if I said to them, "You like to be told what to think."

But since human beings vastly prefer answers to uncertainty, it is in fact a sort of default position for us to accept what we are told. We do so with very little question, especially if we are familiar with the person (or organization) that is supplying the information.

But I marvel at how easily influenced people are.

Take, for example, what happened on Friday, as Justin was moving my stuff to my new seat.

I was standing there, waiting. The people in my new department had just given me a nice welcome.

Justin came over with a box from my old desk and said loudly, "I don't know what you're going to do now--you hate AutoCAD! You're going to try to turn this into a Revit department!"

I knew he was joking because he's the IT guy and he sees me working in AutoCAD every day. But Shannon and Jason didn't necessarily know it was a joke. And like many, they are up in arms about Revit. So, I was kind of annoyed with Justin for stirring the pot.

I said, "I don't hate AutoCAD. I just didn't really use it until I worked here."

From behind me, Shannon and Jason started to pipe up. And pretty soon, Shannon was explaining to me why Revit just wouldn't work for them, as if I was actually trying to convert them to Revit!!

I pointed my finger at Justin and said, "He said that, not me!" And then Justin apologized profusely, but the damage had already been done.

For my sister, she started out at a (financial) firm right out of school. Actually she worked there as a young intern during school. So people there viewed her as the young puppy with no experience. Five years later she couldn't shake that, so she moved on to a job at another firm that recognized her talent and experience.

I think that some people cling to these opinions because it helps them manage their own insecurities. It's counterproductive to everyone, though, because people are not utilized to their full potential.

I think that can actually hamper someone's career development. When people think of you as incompetent in some way, they don't give you the same kind of work that they give 'competent' people. So then you remain inexperienced and prove them right!

I think your sister was right to move. A lot of people do that, actually. They are wise to mental stagnation and take matters into their own hands.

I actually think that Mark was acknowledging it by his talk with you.I also think you now have a fan in Paul and Melissa. Lol. And, of course, your buddies in the copy room.

It's good to hear that :)

I started taking a painting class a couple weeks ago. Turns out I can paint!

The image in the top right corner is actually the first one I painted in my very first class. I was just as surprised as everyone else.

I didn't have any of the correct colors (I used blue for some reason, and it worked!) and my brushes were busted up hand-me-downs, but I somehow got the painting to represent the apple pretty accurately.

The one on the lower left is the last one I painted (also in my first class). The paintings got progressively worse as the teacher gave me more and more advice, lol!

The teacher's favorite artists tend to paint with large chunks of color, so she instructs the class to paint in a similar way. But I don't know how paint works yet, so I take tentative strokes and sort of scratch things into the canvas, adjusting as I go.

During the second class, she was all over me to plop more paint on my canvas and I did try, but I didn't understand the results I was getting and I didn't like what I saw.

I find her over-involvement ironic, because it's a timed painting class, designed (according to her) so that we didn't get 'too precious' about our paintings. Paint for 10 minutes and move on to the next.

But she kept hovering!

During the second class, I got really frustrated. Two of my four pear paintings looked like sht because I took her advice.

Yesterday, I asked her to kindly F off. I explained that her chunky paint technique wasn't working for me and that I had to approach my learning experience my own way. She was very amenable to that and I was able to save my pumpkin painting from certain doom.

You are a natural. The first one you painted (without the teacher hovering above you lol) it's really cool. Well done. Talents don't need teachers :)

Thanks Dias!

For some reason, her approach stresses me out.

I feel bad, because she obviously wants to help. And I do think she has something to offer. But what she's offering right now isn't helping either of us.

It reminds me of when I went to this dude ranch about 15 years ago. I was younger then, and a lot less patient with people.

One day, the cowboys taught us city slickers how to throw a lasso.

This one guy kept yelling advice and encouragements at me. It broke up my concentration and really pissed me off.

I ended up yelling at him. Then I took my lasso and practiced roping somewhere else.

The poor guy never saw it coming and got pretty bent out of shape.

I felt slightly bad about that, but mostly relived that I wouldn't have to field any more of his 'help.'

I'm glad that I was able to handle it in a more tactful way this time.

I like the top right apple most too. The depth there and the blue are good contrast against the redness of the apple itself and you seem to have gotten the angle of the light bouncing off of it really well.

Did you layer red on top of the blue in the darkest areas of the top right apple?

Thanks. It was sort of a back-and-forth thing, actually. The red I had was too light, so I added blue. But that made it too blue--it was a blue emergency! So I added more red. I also used the turpenoid a little to thin out the areas where there was too much pigment, and applied color back on top of that. I was incredibly messy. The teacher and the other students must have thought I was Pig Pen or something. I certainly felt like Pig Pen.

lol don't worry. I know the feeling. There are large canvas sheets you can buy at an art store to protect your floors at home (if you're ever doing it at home). I like the lasso story too. I'm a lot like you.

I can see the blues in the apple. Sometimes you have to work out your own style and just roll with it. Every mix of colour and technique you develop for yourself just makes you more practiced or knowledgeable for the next painting. You'll know how to create reds with that blueish hue next time to develop a purpleish red. Your teacher might have taught you about the colour wheel too and cool reds or warm reds. The top right apple looks more realistic, to me, because it more accurately reflects different hues around a room from blues to reds and is not a flat or traditional red. Good for you for just letting her know her style wasn't quite working. Don't feel bad about that.

Thanks, Rose!

I think that some people cling to these opinions because it helps them manage their own insecurities. It's counterproductive to everyone, though, because people are not utilized to their full potential.

 

I think that can actually hamper someone's career development. When people think of you as incompetent in some way, they don't give you the same kind of work that they give 'competent' people. So then you remain inexperienced and prove them right!

 

I think your sister was right to move. A lot of people do that, actually. They are wise to mental stagnation and take matters into their own hands.

 

 

 

It's good to hear that :)

My sister ended up in a long and successful financial career. Her most recent job was at a company that was very ethical and made sound decisions. During the economic downturn, their clients did not lose money. They hardly made any money - the investments were just slightly in the black, bUT still, they didnt lose any. But that was remarkable at the time - so many people lost so much then. And when their firm was investigated by the SEC, they actually passed inspection with flying colors!

Being a mainly male dominated field, it was difficult for my sister to gain respect among her male colleagues. But she is scrappy and she held her own.

She quit of her own accord. She had dreamed of starting her own business - something completely different from the field of finance. The business is doing well, but she is working so hard. She now has 25 employees and she doesn't take many days off. It sounds like so much work, but she said she is still happy she quit.

I'm glad she is happy.