Thoughts, Rants, and Musings

Ahhhhh........ I'm officially on vacation

I'm going to spend the rest of the evening tidying up around the place. Tomorrow morning, we pick up the turkey. Then, in the afternoon, we're going to pick up the cocktails that I ordered--way too expensive, but I couldn't resist. They looked wonderful and I was curious.

My friend texted me earlier this week inviting us down to her house on Thanksgiving, or one day over the long weekend for some feasting. It was pretty clear that she didn't have plans for Thanksgiving, so I invited her to come and share our meal. We will definitely have enough food and drink to go around.

I posted this three years ago, literally to the day. I seem to be doing that lately:

I think a friendship may be coming to an end, and I feel weird about it.

 

I've been friends with this girl Carol for about 15 years. We met at work. After she left the company, we'd meet for a drink or a meal maybe once or twice a year, often with other work-people. Carol had a charming, quirky personality, eclectic tastes, interesting perspectives, and a wonderfully inappropriate sense of humor. Over time, our acquaintanceship evolved into a nice friendship.

 

Carol and my boyfriend get along pretty well. Since we all love good food and good conversation, the three of us make a point of going to new and interesting restaurants a few times a year. In the past, I've always looked forward to seeing her. But lately, I find her more annoying and aggravating than fun.

 

We went out on Saturday night, and again she got on my nerves. All day yesterday I thought about it. She's become rude. She complains loudly about waiters, she talks over me unapologetically, and she behaves in this flippant, silly manner that is not cute. It's like she's become less mature. But she's 44, so I don't know if that is actually possible.

 

Now, I know she is depressed. She's overweight and getting heavier. She's jobless again and has been mostly jobless for years. She's been single since I've known her. She lives with her mother (although the place is absolutely gorgeous and I almost can't blame her for staying). She's always in debt and makes really foolish decisions about money. In short, there's a lot going on with her and there always has been. But I don't think she's ever been unpleasant to be around until now.

 

I don't know what's changed, but I don't think this is something that I can talk to her about without her becoming defensive. I almost sense it on her, like this over-jovialness is a cover for inner anger--which I am sure she has. No one fails so persistently at everything without anger being the root cause. It just sucks, though. I feel like the best thing to do would be to take a big step back from the friendship. But that just seems so sad.

I've continued to remain friends with Carol. The thing is, I think she's fun. But she's not a good friend.

Oh, I think she'd pick me up at the police station at 2AM if I got arrested--and she'd laugh about it along with me! But she's not someone who would ever be on the sidelines, cheering for my success in whatever I'm trying to achieve. She might show up... but she wouldn't cheer.

Not that I expect all of my friends to form a cheerleading squad for me. I don't. It's just that I get the sense that Carol has a slightly greater interest in seeing me fail than she has in seeing me succeed. I don't think she actually likes me.

Oddly, I don't mind. It doesn't get in the way of our friendship. She still makes good conversation and she's fun to enjoy a meal with. I've learned to circumvent and/or tolerate a lot of her flippancy and silliness. I think she has a crush on my boyfriend, and I don't mind it either. I guess I'm just not threatened--in any way.

When I was a little kid, some organization brought a bunch of little baby ducks and chickens to our local library. I noticed that the baby chickens had pointy beaks and the ducks had rounded beaks. To my great delight, I got to hold a baby duck. The poor thing didn't want to be held, and it pecked my hand. It didn't hurt at all, but it triggered the same kind of fascination that I feel when I watch Carol's behavior toward me. Like, you can't hurt me with that little rounded beak. Why are you trying? Don't you know that your beak isn't sharp?

I had Carol over for dinner yesterday. She was mostly well-behaved. We were all laughing and having a good time. But towards the end of the night, she had a near meltdown over a youtube video. I'm not sure what triggered it. Arnold thinks we successfully navigated past it, but I've thought about it a couple times today for some reason.

Another thing that I've thought about a lot since it happened: When we started eating yesterday, Carol started with the stuffing. She took a corner, which is one of the best pieces because it has all of the crusty areas.* That was perfectly fine with me: she is my guest she can have all four corners if she wants. But what I thought was remarkable was that she served Arnold a corner, and me a center piece (the least crustiness!). I didn't say anything, but it made me smile to myself with irony. Like, which of us do you think is your friend, you dummy?

I have a wristlet that I usually hang on a hook by the door. It has my credit cards and ID in it. Before Carol came over yesterday, you know what I did? I put the wristlet in my bedroom. And I thought about doing that as I did it. I thought, why am I doing this? I didn't think she would steal it. I think she has more self respect than that..... but still, I did it. I don't remember ever doing that before when she's come over, either.

Today, I thought about the wristlet again, and it made more sense to me.

_______________________________________

*Well, that whole meal was a culinary disaster, so all the pieces sucked. But none of us knew that at the time.

Wow. Really interesting sort of almost "case study" on her and how you two interact. You know I just finished the book Monogamy by Sue Miller who wrote "The Good Mother" in the 80s. The analysis of the various female friendships in the book reminded me of what you posted above - I think you'd like the book -I had it on hold at the library for quite awhile (it's new).

I'll check it out. Thanks!

I love that you looked at this from every angle. Not to mention how insightful you are about it.

I relate to this so much. You've commented on my journal about my growing pains with my friends.

The part about her not being able to be happy for your success is the difference between being a friend . . . .or not a friend.

I don't think a person like that can *kinda be one.

But you already knew that, right? You hid your valuables after all.

Next time hide Arnold [emoji1787]

Next time hide Arnold [emoji1787]

LOL... she'd probably turn around and leave haha!

The part about her not being able to be happy for your success is the difference between being a friend . . . .or not a friend.

I don't think a person like that can *kinda be one.

But you already knew that, right? You hid your valuables after all.

You are right, reinvent. I guess I'm just biding my time with her until some decisive end comes.

At the rate this is going, it probably won't be for a long time. She's not a very decisive person.

Then Rob asked, "So do work out of the Blank City office?" I was like, "Yeah." He said, "Is it just you there?" Immediately creeped out, I said, "It's me and Craig." Rob was like, "Oh, ok. Well, I live right near there."

Turns out this Rob guy is not a creep. He's actually a really nice guy. Last weekend (not this past one), he helped me get my cost estimate together. I got to know him a little better. He's a new hire (as suspected), and a grandfather. He called me "kid" once, which I liked: "Don't worry, kid. We'll get this done." Nice guy. Just very chatty.

Turns out this Rob guy is not a creep. He's actually a really nice guy. Last weekend (not this past one), he helped me get my cost estimate together. I got to know him a little better. He's a new hire (as suspected), and a grandfather. He called me "kid" once, which I liked: "Don't worry, kid. We'll get this done." Nice guy. Just very chatty.

LOL I was kind of worried... the way he had contacted you before did sound creepy.

And that's fascinating about your friend that's not really a good friend, and sad . It's good you don't let her bother you, like the duck-bill analogy, she can't really do anything so her actions just kind of look petty or ridiculous.

I struggle with obsessive/intrusive thoughts. My thoughts are usually relationship-centric. Z and I were stuck here for ten days feeling miserable. She has been really down too and spends most days in her PJs. This is a woman who will put on a dress and high heels and do her hair and makeup for no reason at all other than that she just likes to be pretty. And since she got sick she is pretty much living in her PJs and bathrobe. She has some issues with depression and OCD too. So naturally, with us both recovering from being sick, and with us both being a little down right now, we aren't feeling that passionate toward each other. The rational part of my mind says this is completely normal and that will come back when everything gets back to normal. The OCD Demon in my head says, "But wait! What if what you thought was love was really lust and you've been lying to her and lying to yourself this whole time you horrible worthless piece of Sh-!" Then I start thinking about what if things go sour like they did in my last relationship. What if she starts to hate me like everyone else does? What if one day I realize I don't love her anymore? What if she dies? What if I die and she can't handle the grief? It just sets off this whole domino effect of just one negative thought after another and then I can't get those thoughts out of my head. Then I start arguing with myself like how do I know I really love her? How do I know I'm not lying t her? The voice of my awesome, now retired therapist pops up in my head and reminds me that I'm not a liar, that's how I know I'm not lying. And also I thought it over so many times before I told her I was in love with her because I wanted to be sure that I knew for sure before saying it. Well ok, what if being sick made me start falling out of love? It didn't. Right now we are just both dealing with some mental crap, some physical crap, stress about money, etc, so of course, we aren't all over each other wanting to have sex and profess our love all the time, etc. This is what couples go through. This is living a real-life together. What if I really wasn't ready for a relationship? Ok, I've always had OCD and I will always have OCD. My OCD isn't going anywhere. Having bouts of bad OCD doesn't mean I'm not ready for a relationship. The right person will help and support me during those times. So far, when things have gotten this way she has. Having OCD doesn't mean I should have to be alone for the rest of my life.

 

That's interesting. I sometimes struggle with obsessive/intrusive thoughts. Just last night, I was woken up by them.

 

They were caused by an aggravating work situation this time. But last night I realized that the pattern was exactly like my old "relationship anxiety."

 

It was really no different.

 

For me, the most intrusive thoughts come when I try to dismiss the anxiety. They say, "but what if you should be worrying about this? What if you're ignoring an important problem and it comes back to bite you?"

 

And really bizarre (and most annoying of all) is the superstitious belief that if I don't succumb to the anxiety, it will cause what I fear to actually happen.

 

I can see what's going on, but I don't know how to tap out of it.

 

I've worked through some of these issues in therapy. For me, it's just plain anxiety, not OCD. It just gets intense sometimes, probably due to events from my past.

 

I have made (what I think are) some really interesting discoveries in my journey through anxiety. I think that the discovery that I made last night will stick with me, even though it seems relatively small.

 

And actually, reading your description of anxiety reinforces it more, although our worries are different. The pattern is the same.

 

Sh*t, I'm posting this in my own journal!

..........

I think an underlying thread in much of my anxiety may be the fact that I am not doing as much for myself as I can. In the immediate sense, I mean.

I am more oriented towards long term goals, and I ignore important creature comforts that would improve my life now.

I think an underlying thread in much of my anxiety may be the fact that I am not doing as much for myself as I can. In the immediate sense, I mean.

 

I am more oriented towards long term goals, and I ignore important creature comforts that would improve my life now.

Interesting!! OK so this morning - I felt indulgent -seriously -when after my freezing outdoor exercise I took a hot shower and used my brand new turkish towel (Black Friday sale) - after, then made coffee -it really does me wonders - so I find if I first push myself a bit (the exercise in 27 degrees before 7am) then by contrast those "little things" mean so much. Creature comforts are really important and I never thought of them as an anxiety antidote -love that!

Yes, creature comforts like that are wonderful. Now that I'm working from home, I have more options. I can take a nice hot shower in the middle of the day, which is soooo nice. I often do it, and have wondered how much I'll miss it when I go back into the office.

But there are also less 'cozy' creature comforts that I can focus on, like organizing myself well so that I'm set up and ready to go. Lots of little loose ends that I can tie.

Yes, creature comforts like that are wonderful. Now that I'm working from home, I have more options. I can take a nice hot shower in the middle of the day, which is soooo nice. I often do it, and have wondered how much I'll miss it when I go back into the office.

 

But there are also less 'cozy' creature comforts that I can focus on, like organizing myself well so that I'm set up and ready to go. Lots of little loose ends that I can tie.

Yes - which are short term, you mean, as opposed to long term. I have friends who make to do lists for the specific purpose of checking things off! I relate to that.

I'm reading Post Cards From the Edge.

God, Carrie Fisher was really frickin insightful.

I watched the movie earlier this year. It was quality.

There's a scene in the movie where Merrill Streep and Dennis Quaid are kissing. It's a great scene. He's trying to schmooze her, saying things like, "I'm starting to have feelings for you." And her brain is still half working, so she's responding with things like, "How many feelings?"

She just can't stop busting his balls and that's totally me. I feel half embarrassed, half glad to see it. You never see that sort of thing represented in movies. It's usually roundly discouraged in our society.

I wish I could find the scene on youtube, but I think most people try to forget it, lol.

The other funny and relatable part about that scene is that she knows she's probably being played, but eventually talks herself into succumbing to it. I wish I could remember the dialog. I thought it was genius. I wonder if it's in the book?

I don't understand why I can't communicate with hairstylists. I just want to grab them and shake them and say, "Why can't you understand what I am saying? Please tell me the magic words to make you do what I want you to do, and not what you want to do." But of course, I never do this. I just go somewhere else.

Many years ago when I was in junior high school I went in for a 2" trim. It was at a beauty college and the student was doing what I asked her to do. Then the instructor came along and took the scissors and proceeded to cut my hair to a 1" length all over before I could even object. So I was basically given a buzz cut. I was horribly upset and was made fun of at school for a couple of weeks. I still feel traumatized by that and am very nervous every time I go in for a cut.

Omg. I would be enraged.

Every once in a while, someone gives me a good haircut. Then I go to them again and again, but they never quite achieve the same success. And it's downhill from there. It's like their mind has been erased.

I've run the gamut from cheap to ridiculously expensive. And the expensive ones have been no better than the cheap ones--just more charming (or in some cases, not charming, but idiosyncratic).

I don't get it.

I don't understand why I can't communicate with hairstylists. I just want to grab them and shake them and say, "Why can't you understand what I am saying? Please tell me the magic words to make you do what I want you to do, and not what you want to do." But of course, I never do this. I just go somewhere else.

Much like you, the first couple times are fine and then the wheels come off the bus.

I had the same woman cut my hair for 30 years. Basically my entire adult life and she finally retired. Miss that lady!

I've been through 3 in the past 2 years and now I just cut my own [emoji849] since covid.

I freaked out one young girl who was talking sooo much she wasn't paying attention. I ducked and grabbed her wrist when she went to cut the same place for the 4th time. I would have rather spoken up but I couldn't get a word in. She was a hot mess and in the industry they pretty much all know each other. I heard the salon owner invited her to be successful elsewhere.

The cost and the tip was maddening when I'd go home, check their work and have to fix it.

I don't get it either. And I've been on the other side of the chair.

Give-them-what-they-ask-for.

(If possible)

I figure a lot of it is ego driven for some. It's an artists mindset and they know better.

Trust me.Those thoughts would go through my head "but this would be sooo much better". But I don't have to live with it.

Unfortunately, at some point we don't come back.

I freaked out one young girl who was talking sooo much she wasn't paying attention. I ducked and grabbed her wrist when she went to cut the same place for the 4th time.

I wish I could trust myself to identify when that is happening, but I second guess myself. I may suspect they are distracted, but I really can't tell if they are making a mistake because I don't know enough about the process.

I do know that hairstylists have long days, just like everybody else. And their minds wander, just like everyone else. But of course, they don't have ctrl+z, like everybody else...

My mom used the same hairstylist for decades, until the lady moved out of state. I always thought everybody did that--choose a hairstylist and stick with them for life. But the truth is, you're lucky if you find someone like that. You have to be an advocate for your own hair!

I figure a lot of it is ego driven for some. It's an artists mindset and they know better.

Trust me.Those thoughts would go through my head "but this would be sooo much better". But I don't have to live with it.

Yeah, I suspect part of it has to do with how they see me, and how I see myself. Same with make up artists. Some of them nail the look I'm after, and others make me wonder what I actually look like to other people. It can be a little disconcerting....

When I went to the hairstylist the other day, I took the pieces of my hair that I didn't like, and said, "I need these cut off." Then I showed her images from Pinterest that illustrated the angle I was going for. Then I drew the line on the side of my head with my finger to show her where to cut.

She gathered hair from the back of my head and I thought, we're off to a good start. Then I noticed that she left out the pieces that I specifically asked her to include. So, I took one of the pieces and said, "You can include these, too." She actually took the piece and deliberately put it back in front of my ear as she talked about her upcoming vacation.

I should have stopped her right there. Instead, I said to myself, she'll get to it later.

But she didn't! When my haircut was done, those same stupid long pieces were there!

I said to her, "I wanted these to be cut so that there is a continuous angle to the back."

She was like, "But I did that, see?"

I wanted to say, "That's not a cut, that's a curl!" But I just gave up. What's the point of arguing? I want to say, Just fcking do what I tell you to do!! I know this can be done. Other people have done it before!! But that wouldn't be nice. We'd both walk away feeling pretty bad.

I know I can go back and ask her do it the way I want it done, but it just feels pointless. And frankly, I'm actually afraid that she may not know how to do what I want her to do. This might be her best attempt!

So, it's off to a new hairstylist for me. Again.

We know they can hurt us badly so we are afraid to speak up. Lol

Funny, if my burger isn't cooked right I'll send it back. I don't care if you like me and you'll never see me again.

But we don't want to be *that person* pointing out the same pieces we asked them to cut to begin with.

That and are holding sharp objects at your head.

I get it.

Cosmetology 101. Hair grows approximately 1/4 a month. If I come in every 6 weeks asking for a quarter inch off and you cut an inch and a half off each time. . Do the math! You are scalping me and my hair will be 6 or more inches shorter in the year that I've been sitting in your chair and you won't see me again. . And I'm wearing a hat in the meantime

Oh boy. I'm going to have to figure out how to navigate this new forum format....

LOL me too -I think KamurJ tried to post a roadmap but I don't have permission to view the post it says!

Hey guys. It's been, erm...an interesting few weeks to say the least. How are all of you doing?

48 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

LOL me too -I think KamurJ tried to post a roadmap but I don't have permission to view the post it says!

But we do have a variety of emojis!

😃💣👈🐉